Sars,

You are the best person to answer my problems as they are about grammar and the Yankees.Yay for you!

1. I’m writing this guy to tell him some documents are missing from a package he sent to me.I’ve read the following sentences out loud 800 million times and both of them sound correct.So which one is right?Microsoft Word doesn’t catch either of them in a grammar check.I know that’s not saying much, but still.

a. …however, there appears to be several items missing.

b. …however, there appear to be several items missing.

I know that if just one item was missing, it would be “appears.”So it seems that the correct choice would be the opposite, meaning “appear” would be correct.But it doesn’t sound like there is a correct choice when I say it out loud.And I’ve tried to think of similar sentences and how the subject/verb agreement thing goes in those, but whenever there are multiple subjects, I can’t figure out which verb to use.Everything sounds right.”There needs to be a lot of apples.””There need to be a lot of apples.” Aghh!

Moving on…

2. I’ve loved the Yankees since I was a kid, but I’m a horrible debater.You’ll see how this is related in a second.My boyfriend and most of my friends aren’t Yankee fans at all.I mean, they FOR REAL hate the Yankees.So I’m always getting badgered whenever they’re on TV.I try to talk shit, but I don’t really follow the politics involved with baseball.I don’t know every statistic out there or which team traded who for who and why.So my shit talk is more like, “Well, your team sucks more.”I’ve also tried the “I’m just a fan; I didn’t sign their contracts” approach, but that just results in “way to defend your team.”So this is where you come in.I need some responses.What do you say when people are all, “They’re trying to buy the championship” or “even with all that money, they’re still losing games” or “they’re using creative ways to get around paying these guys their salaries, but eventually they’ll have to pay and then George ‘Darth Vader’ Steinbrenner and his evil Yankee empire will fall.”I’ve actually heard that last one.

Thanks in advance.

I appear to be a Yankee fan.(And I know that sentence is right.)

Dear Appear,

1. Weird as it is to apply any tenet of Dr. Phil to usage questions…you can be right, or you can be happy.A lot of the time, it’s easier just to change the construction to one that’s less ambiguous.In this case, just throw in a “would,” make it subjunctive, and it’s “appear” regardless: “There would appear to be several items missing.”Or: “It appears that there are several items missing.”

I think your second example is the correct one, but in your position I’d just write around the question.Life is short.

2. Okay, Yankee-haters, listen up: You can’t complain that Steinbrenner is buying championships, then turn around and gloat that it’s not working.EITHER you’re pissed that it’s unfair OR you’re smug that it’s ineffective, but both…that dog won’t hunt.Especially since the Yanks’ last World Championship was in 2000.Also…Giambi.I wouldn’t characterize the last few years as imperial.

Don’t bother “defending” the team.It’s the Yankees.They don’t require a defense, and in any case the true haters won’t accept any that you offer, so let them splutter, shrug and say “okay then,” and change the subject.

Dear Sars,

I love your writing and I think you give terrific advice. And I’m at my wit’s end about something really weird. Okay, here’s my problem. I’m Chinese and I’m too feminist for my own fucking good. My parents aren’t exactly traditional but they also demand that some things be traditional. Like certain marriage processes.

See, I’m engaged to the most wonderful guy on earth (BTW, he’s also Chinese) and we’re happily planning to get married sometime soon. As soon as we work out parent- and financial-related snags. Well, the thing was, I did know that traditionally, Chinese weddings have tea ceremonies and stuff where relatives embarrass the hell out of the bride and groom. What I DIDN’T know was that I have to be “bought” from my parents with money and gifts. Yes. Bought like a house, or an animal or a coat. And I was pretty firm about it. Dammit, I’d do the tea ceremony and all but no one, and I repeat ABSOLUTELY NO-FUCKING-ONE is BUYING me from anybody. Like, people! The 15th century has been dead for five hundred years! Let it rest in peace, huh?

Well, Mom and Dad didn’t take too well to it. There was talk about how I was being disrespectful. Like, excuse me? Disrespectful? To what? The culture? Yeah sure, what about respecting me as a human and not as merchandise? And it’s not like they’re funding the whole shebang. Me and Himself are funding it ourselves. And Himself’s parents won’t object as long as we invite his entire clan of relatives for a nice wedding dinner and perform the tea crap.

My parents know I’m huge on the whole feminism thing and all. And we are so un-Chinese, it’s a joke. Hell, my sister and I can’t speak or write Chinese to save our lives. So why would my parents, who brought us up this way, be so anal about this one thing? Are they being anal or am I making a too big deal out of nothing? Should I give up my beliefs that women are not anyone’s property to be married to a wonderful man? Or should Himself and I just fly to Las Vegas, get married, then fly home to announce the wedding dinner? Seriously, Himself has objected to Las Vegas, which is why I’m at my wit’s end. So tell me, o wise one, what should I do?

Yes-I-just-told-tradition-to-go-to-hell-if-you-have-a-problem-take-it-up-with-me

Dear As Requested,

You might think about whether your attitude is the problem here.Not your beliefs about the “purchase” — I’m with you there.But I don’t get the feeling from your letter that you put it as calmly as you could have.In other words, if you immediately reacted by screaming and cursing that no way would you participate in this and they couldn’t make you, no, your parents aren’t going to take that too well.Because, you know, you’re yelling.

You’re paying.It’s your thing.Calmly explain to your parents that you’ll do the tea ceremony, but you don’t believe in setting yourself up in a situation that treats you like chattel, so you’ll be skipping that aspect — you hope they understand.But the key word is “calmly.”I think your parents are feeling like maybe they let too many traditions fall by the wayside over the years, so now they’re sort of trying to knee-jerk this one back in — for tradition’s sake, not because they’re anti-woman or anything.You don’t want to do it, which is fine, but if it’s not up for a vote, just say so and move on.

Again, I agree with you, but if your parents aren’t funding the wedding, I don’t think I understand why you’re so het up.It’s not going to happen.Your parents will get over it.Just stick to a reasonable tone of voice.

Sars,

I have a somewhat (okay, totally) humiliating problem, and cannot imagine confessing this to anybody who isn’t anonymous on the web.

My boyfriend and I are embarrassingly old to be in this situation, but here it is: we are in a happy, multiple-years strong long-distance relationship and can’t wait until we’re both local.Due to a series of dramas along the way, we haven’t had actual sex (as in, intercourse) yet.The one time we did failed miserably, mostly due to our ineptness (we are both relatively new to the relationship thing) and inability to put on the condom.I’m not worried about that, because we were both content to wait on intercourse until we were local, so that if a crisis (pregnancy) arose, I wouldn’t have to deal with it alone.But that’s what my question is: how do we put on the condom?The instructions are pretty vague, or at least we’re technically challenged, because I don’t know things like “Did we leave enough space at the top like they said,” et cetera.

It’s a totally embarrassing situation to have at this late stage in life, but there we go.Any advice or how-to-ness would be completely appreciated.

Thanks,
Not a Beginner, But Might as Well Be

Dear Not,

Okay.Before I begin, here…that part of the program is still pretty awkward, even for people who have done it a hundred times.Things get stuck.People get snapped in the wrist.The spermicide is very cold.It’s kind of an uncomfortable, interrupty moment just generally, so accept it for what it is.

All righty.First off, I’d advise getting those LifeStyles condoms that come in what look like little strawberry-jam containers.Way easier to open in a hurry (there’s a little pull tab).Once the condom is out, there really isn’t much to it, but two things can trip you up: 1. the penis isn’t hard enough, and/or 2. you’ve got the condom inverted, either of which can make it really agonizing to try to get the condom on.So, make sure your partner is erect enough, then take a quick sec to eyeball the condom.If you hold it at eye level, flat, with the reservoir tip facing up, do the sides roll up from the outside, like a pantleg?Good; it’s right side up, then.Place the rolled condom flat on the head of the penis and roll it down; don’t worry about leaving enough room, because the reservoir tip is built in such a way that it leaves the room for you (it’s much narrower than the head).

If you’re trying to unroll it and it’s not happening, double-check the roll, or take a break and try again in a minute or two — you’ll get the hang of it, but even after you do, you’ll still have times where there’s a weird angle and a fingernail and show’s over, folks, so try to just go with the flow (so to speak) and laugh about it if it’s getting slapsticky.Not everything about sex has to be deadly serious.

Sars,

O ye fount of wisdom, would that my question not lie unanswered at your feet. (or inbox, whatever) Recently I’ve read, heard, and been party to an uproar over the mispronunciation of words like “nuclear” and “oyster.” As such, my friends and I were debating tonight (after a few delicious beverages) how to correctly pronounce Pabst Blue Ribbon. Is it “Paps” or “Pabbs”? Does the “T” matter? Is it easier to just say “PBR”? The majority of people here, below the Mason-Dixon, seem to know it only as “Paps.” As if it was something their grandfather concocted. Like when the university in South Carolina with a tiger as a mascot, Clemson, is pronounced with a “p” following the Clem instead of a “Clemz” sound.

Just confused about pronunciation

Dear Just,

Well…it’s “Pabst,” but that “-bst” sound is tough, especially butting up against the first B in “Blue,” so people just elide it to “Pabs” or “Paps,” depending on what’s easier for them.We call it PBR up here, which is probably the best workaround.That, or to switch brands.Heh.

If you’re asking whether any of those pronunciations is wrong, no, I don’t think they are.

Okay. My problem might be kinda small, I don’t know, but anyway.

I don’t really think my religion (rather lack thereof) is my parents’ business. They do. (They’re Christians, but not particularly hardcore until threatened.) And they insist on talking about it not once a month, not occasionally, but incessantly. How do I tell them to back off?

Background: I let it slip that I was agnostic about a year ago, and my parents (divorced) pounced on it; I’ve been receiving hell lectures ever since. I’m not close to either of them, and frankly I don’t even like them very much. (For a variety of reasons, but it isn’t just some teenager thing, I don’t think. My mom’s tried to convince me to get an exorcism, my dad once threatened to punch my teeth in when I didn’t want to do the dishes, we’re really not close and I don’t want to be.) It’s not like I bring it up at dinner every time the conversation lags — I respect their right to think whatever the hell they want, and worship whoever they please, it’s none of my business. But this is, what, the sixth time we’ve gotten into a two-to-three-hour argument, and I’m growing really fucking tired of it.

I can’t think of what to do — I mean, I’ve told them outright, okay, we’re not going to agree, back off, at the very least you’re going to have to let the thing run its course for a few years, don’t tempt me with the teenage rebellion stuff, you’re only worsening it. And that did, y’know, zilch. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried pointing out the inconsistencies of their arguments. I’ve tried being all, if you don’t see it, you don’t freaking see it, blah blah blah, just drop it. Nothing works, and I’m still a minor; I wouldn’t mind so much if it was only enduring a few months or whatever, but we’re talking years here (I’m fourteen) and I don’t need a “you’re wrong because you’re wrong! Heathen.” speech every time I walk through the door. Believe me, once is enough.

My mom’s more insane about the Christian stuff, Dad’s more general assholery, but it’s not like one is particularly preferable to the other and I should try to get the courts to shift me over there permanently. For awhile, it looked like I might be able to go to school abroad in England next year (wealthy dad), which would pretty much rock, but that doesn’t look like it will be happening now for at least a year or two if at all, so…eh. How do I deal with this till then? I’m supposed to be seeing a therapist soon (sold my soul for Chinese food once a week), which I’m actually kind of looking forward to, if that doesn’t sound insane, so hopefully I’ll deal with the bulk of the I-think-they’re-sucky-parents stuff then, and maybe s/he would have some more suggestions on how to deal with the parents, but until then. (Incidentally, do you know if therapists will agree to absolute confidentiality when dealing with a minor? I don’t want notes and assessments given to parents, I don’t want discussions and suggestions. Just me. And my issues. Is that workable?)

Thinking of England

Dear Thinking,

You’re fourteen.There’s a certain amount of shit you have to put up with as a minor, and that being the case, you have to pick your battles.You’re losing this one every time.Leave the field.

I say this for a number of reasons.First, they can’t make you believe anything.They can get you to concede their points, but you don’t have to mean it, and if you have to go to church, you don’t have to believe in what goes on there.You can just sit quietly and keep the peace.So, there’s that.Second, if you’re actually telling them to “back off” and “just drop it”?I got grounded for attitude like that.I’m not saying your parents shouldn’t just leave the agnosticism be, because I made a similar pronouncement at your age and my parents were like, “All righty, drama queen,” and let it alone, which was the smart move…but if my mother had asked me whether I really believed that and I’d snotted at her to “just drop it”?She’d have “just dropped” me headfirst down a well.

My point is that I know it’s frustrating when parents just blow you off all “it’s a phase” or “it’s a teenage thing,” but you can’t give them ammunition to do that by acting kind of snotty about it.So, if you’re doing that, stop, and think about whether you’re contributing to these three-hour arguments.

Again: you’re fourteen.You will have to make concessions to that fact.You don’t have to like it — few of us did — but you also have to look at the situation realistically and understand that there are ways to make the time pass more peacefully for yourself until you can get out from under your parents and do your own thing.

See what your therapist says — although, from what I remember, absolute confidentiality probably won’t be on the table — but generally speaking, think about where you are with this right now.You aren’t changing your parents’ minds; you aren’t happy with the current situation.Is there anything you can do to break the stalemate?And if there is, but you haven’t done it, what’s preventing that?Just think about it.Consider other possibilities for your own handling of it.See what you come up with.

[12/8/04]

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