The Vine: January 6, 2005
Dear Sarah,
I have a problem with a co-worker. Or to be more precise, she has a
problem
with me.
We are both members of a small, close-knit department.
Although she
is senior to me in age and status in the company, my job involves
checking
her work and asking for modifications (she designs, I edit).
Designer-lady
and I have had a great working relationship for the past 18 months, and
have
been very friendly in and outside work. This has come about mostly
because
Designer-lady has made very strong overtures of friendship to me,
calling me
at home for long-winded chats, asking me to go out with her to the pub
and
the cinema, and to go shopping with her and she has come round to my
house
several times. She has also confided in me on numerous occasions about
some
very traumatic things that have happened to her in the past couple of
years
— she was sexually assaulted, became suicidal, got back on her feet,
fell in
love and got dumped, all in the space of a year. I’ve done my best to
be a
good friend by listening to her, comforting her and trying to get her
to go
to a counsellor, as I know she’s not going to be able to get her head
sorted
out on her own. (When floundering on occasion, I do find myself
wondering
What Would Sars Say. It helps.)
I’ve been drawn into this friendship without ever consciously wanting
to be
— I get on with her as a colleague and I like her as a person, but she
has
dumped a huge amount of angst in my lap in the past few months and has
taken
up a great deal of my time and energy. Moreover, I have had a number of
problems myself in the past couple of months — serious, stressful
difficulties. Designer-lady has responded to these problems (which she
knew
about because I had to take time off work) by talking more loudly about
herself. Every sentence she says has “I,” “me,” or “my” in it. She has
become
incredibly self-absorbed, to the point where she will spend an hour or
two
talking non-stop about her search for a new flat to rent, and expect me
to
be involved in it. (Which I am, principally because I’m trying to
discourage
her from moving anywhere near me, which she’d like to do because her ex
lives a few streets away…)
So this is the situation. I give her
forty-five
minutes of attention during my lunch hour to hear her talking about
whether
mould in the bathroom is a deal-breaker when renting a flat (it is),
and she
sends me a six-word text message to congratulate me on getting the
all-clear
after six months of worrying that I had cancer.
Then things got
irritating.
Last week, she announced to the team (several of whom have also had
hard
things to deal with lately) that she had something incredibly exciting
to
tell us. A random man had seen her picture on thenNet, where she was
advertising for flatmates. He’d contacted her and they’d been
conducting an
email flirtation which was going to culminate in meeting up, even
though she
wasn’t keen on his looks or his personality, from what she’d seen of
his
emails. She showed me some of his emails, and I got a bad feeling about
him
— I think he lied about his job, he’s very manipulative in the way he
keeps
the conversation going (when she tried several times to wind it up) and
he
comes across (to me, anyway) as a misogynistic twat. I was lukewarm in
my
response. Lukewarm to the point of saying, “I think it’s a bad idea
for you
to meet up with him.”
The silent treatment ensued for the rest of the
day,
followed by a long, abusive phone call later on that evening, during
the
course of which she accused me of being cold, cynical and hard, of not
wanting her to be happy, of not understanding that she has to take
risks
because she’s not in a relationship and I am, and of being rude and
hurtful
about her ex. Who I have never met. While she was at my house for FOUR
HOURS
one weekend, talking about herself, she was holding forth on how
wonderful
he was, how it will take her at least two years to get over him, and
how her
chances to have a baby are slipping away (she’s 31). I pointed out
(rather
firmly) that he had let her down badly, he hadn’t been there for her
when
she needed him (around the anniversary of her attack), and that
although he
was in some ways a nice guy, he needed to get a grip on reality — he
had
been a shit when he broke up with her and there were no two ways about
it.
All this came back to haunt me. Evidently, the problem in her life is
me.
Although I am very hurt, I don’t see that there’s any point in talking
to
her about what she’s said. She is convinced that she is right to be
upset by
my attitude. I’ve asked her (in a non-antagonistic way) not to talk to
me
about her personal life if she doesn’t want my views; I’ve asked her to
get
professional counselling so that she can talk things over without
feeling
judged. I didn’t go looking for a big friendship with her and I
certainly
don’t want a big friendship break-up to affect the office dynamic we
all
enjoy. I’d like her to leave her life out of the office to some extent
and
I’d like to have a friendly, warm, professional relationship with her.
How
can I achieve this without literally turning my back when she starts
talking
about herself again, as I know she will? In short, what’s the best way
for
me to set boundaries?
Do I look like Dr. Phil?
Dear I Hope Not,
Ask her for a moment of her time, outside of work or at lunch, and repeat to her exactly what you say in your last paragraph above (you might leave off the first bit where you say there’s no point in discussing it with her). End by saying that you’re sorry if you hurt it her…but, pursuant to that, perhaps it’s best if you don’t discuss her personal life at work, at all, ever, because you don’t want it to affect the work environment. Then avoid contact with her outside of work. Religiously.
She’s an emotional vampire. Cutting off her blood supply might prompt her to try to make things difficult for you in the short-term at your job, but if she’s the type of bint who announces to her work team that she has an internet date…they know what she is, is my point, and separating yourself from her extracurricular drama will probably help your standing at the office rather than harming it.
It’s tempting to just sort of give in to her version of events and try to placate her, because it seems easier, but over the long haul, it’s better to try to get free of her. Do what you can to maintain a working relationship, but after hours…caller ID. Learn it, live it, love it.
Hello Sars! I adore your website!
Okay, I’ll jump right to my problem. My fiance and I have decided that we will each have three bridesmaids/groomsmen each. I have asked my best friend, my cousin, and his cousin B to stand with me. My fiance has selected two of his best friends, and B’s brother. Now the trouble starts. We have asked his two other cousins, C and D, to participate as ushers. Their mother is upset because she feels that B and B’s brother are being given a place of honor, while her sons, C and D, are merely ushers. C and D are excited to participate and happy to have been asked, but their mother will not return any phone calls or messages and refuses to discuss it. How do we handle this situation?
Thank you for any advice you can give,
Bride to Be
Dear B2B,
You’ve already handled it; you’ve made your decision. Their mother is not in the wedding and as such you can just work around her; yes, she can make things difficult as far as your getting in touch with C and D, but you can figure out another way to reach them, and you should.
I’ve said it before in this space, fairly recently, and apparently I need to say it again: the purpose of a wedding is not validation of you or your relationships by the bride and groom. The purpose of a wedding is to form and celebrate the union of the bride and groom. If you want to get offended by the whos and hows of other people’s weddings, you may certainly feel free, but being difficult about things won’t get you the coveted reading slot or bridesmaidship you want. It’ll get you written about in The Vine. Just something to keep in mind.
Thank you for tackling the “third wheel” vs. “fifth wheel” debate, as well as “I could care less” vs. “I couldn’t care less.” Those have always bugged me. However, can you please tell me if it’s “worse case scenario” or “worst case scenario?” I think it should be “worst” as in “This is the worst thing that could happen to you.” But I think a lot of people might be saying “worse.” What’s your ruling?
A
Dear A,
It’s “worst-case scenario.” (Don’t forget to hyphenate it.) Garner doesn’t have a specific note on it, but think of it this way — the opposite term is “best-case scenario,” not “better-case scenario.” You need a superlative there, not a comparative; otherwise we’d just say “bad-case scenario,” which nobody does.
Hey Sars,
Long-time reader, first-time writer, blah, blah, blah loveyoursitecakes…
I am a huge Red Sox fan and I have always enjoyed your musings on baseball, even from the perspective of a Yankee Fan. I received Stephen King’s and Stewart O’Nan’s book Faithful for Christmas and have spent the last few days blowing through it while stuck in airports across the country. So far, I’ve really enjoyed it.
This is the first book I have read about any particular sport and, although I have been able to pick up a lot of strategy hints over the years by watching, I am eager to learn more for the upcoming season so that I can play Couch Manager with the full knowledge that comes to those who watch from the sidelines. Hence, my question.
O’Nan recommends a book by Jerry Remy, former Sock and now their color commentator on NEON, called Watching Baseball. I was wondering if you have heard of it or read it, and if you would recommend it to someone who has knows a little about the game, but is by no means an expert.
Signed,
Go Sox 2005!
Dear Now Pitching For The Mets: Pedro Martinez,
I haven’t read it and hadn’t heard of it prior to getting your letter, but I’ve heard Remy broadcasting, and he’s very good and accessible. Also, Amazon mentions that people who bought Remy’s book also bought Keith Hernandez’s Pure Baseball, which is a very detailed analysis of two different games, pitch by pitch; I can recommend Hernandez (his ghost writer is really sharp), but Remy is a better choice for you, probably, because his focus is the Sox.
It’s eleven bucks on Amazon; I’d go for it.
On a related note: Any readers out there read Bill James’s This Time, Let’s Not Eat The Bones? If so, is it worth the nuttily high prices I’m seeing for it on Half.com? I want to read it, but fifty bucks…? Email me with any thoughts.
Sars, O Wise One,
Long-time reader, first-time writer here. I liked your reply to Squashed about writer’s block…which brings me to my own dilemma.
I’ve had writer’s block for four years now. I am not kidding. I used to write constantly; I’d have nights when I couldn’t sleep until I set down whatever story was on my mind.
Now? Well, I have lots of ideas. But when I sit down to actually write something, I freeze, and whatever I’d had in mind flies right out of my head. Then next thing I know I’ve spent hours staring at a blank page, and have nothing to show for it.
I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I’ve tried writing on the computer, and writing with pen and paper. I’ve tried starting something new on an old page, so that the white space isn’t sitting there staring accusingly at me. I’ve tried to dictate a story into a tape recorder to write down later. I’ve read a lot of articles on dealing with writers block. I’ve Googled story ideas and writer’s challenges and all the rest, looking for some way to get going again.
I set aside time each day to write, but 99.9% of the time, that time goes by and I’ve come up with nothing.
Like I said, this has gone on for several years now, which is seriously frustrating me. And depressing. I have no idea what triggered this. And I still love to write. On the rare occasions that I do come up with a new piece, it’s still the greatest feeling on earth.
Help!
Sign me,
Desperately Seeking Words
Dear Des,
You’ve got two problems here, I suspect. First, you’ve gotten yourself worked up about this block to the point where it’s probably self-sustaining. Second, I don’t think you have a realistic idea, or expectation, of what a “productive” writing session is, so you’re getting torqued up over “coming up with nothing” when what you really need to do is redefine “nothing.” Let’s take the second one first.
A lot of people think that a writing session is worthless if you don’t get Anything Good out of it. Get over that, right now; you’re making needless trouble for yourself. Some days you get a chapter, other days you have to settle for a punchy verb, but if you only got a lone word down on paper in half an hour, well, “Rosebud” is only one word but it’s done pretty well for itself in the culture. My point is that vomiting up a list or a stream-of-consciousness diary-entry-type of thing or a string of adjectives is still writing. It’s not polished, it’s not formed, but you can do that later — figure out what it’s supposed to do and how. For now, get out of your own way and just put things down, anything, whatever comes in your head, and once you’ve done that, leave it. Don’t edit, don’t fix, don’t delete; write, save, do it again tomorrow.
Take a few days or a week off. Don’t think about writing; don’t do any. Read, watch classic movies, take pictures — do something else. Let your mind lie fallow for a bit. Then start core-dumping, every day, for a half hour or an hour or ten minutes, whatever — do it at the same time every day, and again, do not try to make it awesome or even go back to fix typos. Put hands on keyboard, spew, Ctrl-S, shut down computer. “But –” No. Trust me. I feel you, but…resist.
Do that for two weeks. Every day. Do not reopen those files once you’ve finished with them. Do not beat yourself up if all you did last Wednesday was type the word “fuck” forty thousand times; been there. Just type for the allotted time and get it out. At the end of two weeks, reassess. See how it feels. See if it’s getting easier. See what you want to do next, if anything, and if nothing occurs to you, just do the exercise for another week and spend the rest of your free time inputting culture instead of trying to output.
And give yourself a break. This shit is hard, yo. I mean, I’m not E.B. White over here, but, using myself as an example, my essays don’t proceed from my head to the internet in an orderly, sentence-y fashion. Often, I have to do a brain dump and see what’s there that I can work with. I actually gave up in the middle of a Famous Ghost Monologue several times and was like, “Okay, time to write about the cats, because I am out of gas here.”
I do it for a living (ish), so I’ve found ways to force myself past the blocks or to live with the occasional limp piece of writing when I have a deadline; you can do it too. Just take a few weeks, breathe easy…it’s hard enough. Don’t make it harder. Do what you can until you can do more.
Tags: etiquette grammar workplace
