The Vine: June 6, 2006
Dear Sars,
Okay, quick background — 27, virgin, all-around good-girl. I don’t smoke,
don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and have absolutely no intention of ever
starting (religious and family reasons). I just moved out on my own (yeah
me!) and am already liking the feeling of having my own space.
So now what? Well, I’m on my own and want to try exploring the different
sides of my personality — like a love of fantasy and science fiction,
cooking, hiking and biking, learning French and Italian, and music. And
that’s where (hopefully) you can help. See, I like rock — Linkin Park, Nine
Inch Nails, Hinder. I would eventually like to go to concerts and see these
people. But, I am so not that type of girl. I’m the good girl, the one who
tries to please everyone. I am also naive and extremely shy. Think bunny
rabbit. I am a freaking bunny rabbit who longs to be a tiger. A Meg Ryan
(pre-Crowe) who longs to be an Angelina Jolie (without the whole tongue-kissing-the-brother bit).
But, but, but. I don’t know how. Wahhh wahhh poor me. Anyways, I thought I
start by pursuing this interest, by going to concerts and hanging out wherever people who like rock actually hang out. And I have no idea where to
start, or even if I should. I’ve spent my life being the “good girl” and
it’s all I know. I am hoping you can help. I like other types of music as
well, but there’s seems to be something about the rock-chick lifestyle that
I doubt very much I can handle. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my
life listening to Cold by myself with the blinds drawn and the door shut and
feeling ashamed because there are days when I just can’t take another
country song.
So, I need to know how to act. I need to know how not to appear as a poseur
or some kind of narc. Or worse, someone’s middle-aged mother wandering
around muttering, “You kids these days.” And please don’t tell me to be
myself because that never works for me. People don’t like me. I’m not
paranoid, and I’m not bitter (not much, anyways). Something in my
personality turns people off. I know I don’t “get” whatever in the world I’m
supposed to get, and I appear stupid. Whether I am or not is a whole
something else. Whatever, I’m dealing. I don’t fit, so by pursuing my
interests and working on my talents I’ll find someplace I do.
So, any advice for a wanna-be rocker chick? I mean, anything else and there’s
a class, somewhere, I could take or a book I could read. Anything you can
give — what to wear, what not to say, how not to stand out like a sore thumb —
would be appreciated.
Babe in woods
Dear Babe,
I don’t know what you think goes on at rock shows, but it’s not like it’s an exclusive club where everyone else already knows each other; if the other people there don’t know you, they seriously are not going to pay you any mind.At all.It’s not you they’re there to see, and you bought a ticket just like they did, so if you want to go to your favorite bands’ shows, just…go.Save your pennies, buy a ticket and some earplugs, and go enjoy the music.Nobody’s looking at you.
No, really.Nobody’s looking at you.Nobody cares what you’re wearing; nobody can tell that you don’t drink; nobody’s interested in your opinion on whether they smoke pot in the parking lot before the show.
And nobody expects you to become a groupie, either.You seem to think that there’s a dress code, or a handbook, or that going to one Warped Tour gig means you have to buy a bunch of leather pants and start giving blowjobs for beer.It doesn’t.Wear what you want, do your own thing.If you see someone wearing a cool studded cuff and you want to copy it, go for it, but if you rock a preppy look and you want to keep doing that, go for it.It’s not a declaration of intent.It’s a concert.That’s it.
I can give you some basic guidelines for rock-show etiquette here, and if people are engaging in behavior you don’t, or of which you disapprove, not staring is your best bet, but other than that?Just go to one and see for yourself.Then go to another.See what they’re like; get used to the atmosphere.But liking a certain kind of music is not really a “lifestyle” and doesn’t require any wardrobe or behavioral changes from you, so give yourself a break.
Hi,
My kid loves baseball. He’s played for the last eight years and he loves
every minute of it. We have had a few conversations about the big guys
and steroids and we all agree we hate it. So, my first question is what
do you know about juicing in the minors? We live in southeast Kansas.
We are about dead center between Tulsa and a minor-league team, and
Kansas City and a major-league team (sort of). I worked at the Tulsa
stadium in high school and I always liked the way the players were with
the fans. I like the fact that at the Tulsa games you can get close to
the field, close to the players and it doesn’t cost an arm to get in
the door. (Although the Royals suck it’s still pretty pricey for a
family of five to make a day of it.)
Okay. So, I guess I wanna know
should we go see the Royals because…it’s the MAJORS and, who knows,
they may play a really cool team? Should we go to Tulsa? If I knew that
the minors weren’t juicing I would rather go there just to reassure my
kid that grown-ups CAN play without drugs. Okay, I guess that’s it. I
know this isn’t really a question for The Vine but if you have time I
would really appreciate a little advice. You clearly love and respect
the game and you are far, FAR more knowledgeable about it than I am!
Thanks for your time,
M
Dear M,
According to a Sports Illustrated article from a few years back — if I’m not mistaken, it was the same one where the late Ken Caminiti went on the record about juicing, but several dozen anonymous sources were also quoted — steroids were a problem in the minors as well.Again, this was a few years ago, and you do see reports in the baseball press about minor-leaguers getting clipped on the tests, so it’s my impression that 1) yes, steroids is an issue all the way through the professional system, and in college ball, but 2) they’re trying to get rid of it.
With that said, I think the larger issue here is what we tell kids about this, i.e. The Role-Model Question, and I will tell you what I told a friend of mine when we got into an argument about putting Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame — not exactly the same situation, but analogous, I think.My contention is that Rose should go into the Hall.My friend strongly disagreed and felt it set a bad precedent, and “what are we supposed to tell kids?” and I said, you know, I’m sorry, but if you’re looking to Pete Rose to tell your kid how to behave, you’ve got bigger problems than Rose’s gambling.I mean, it’s one thing to have a favorite player and love watching him hit, and root for him more than you do for other players.But kids’ role models are people they know, people they see every day, and they’re not aware of incorporating those behaviors and values into their worldviews, but they do — and if you abdicate responsibility for that modeling to Barry Bonds, that’s on you, not Bonds.
Let me put it another way.When I was a kid, my favorite player was up on the stand during the Pittsburgh drug trials.The only famous player out of my hometown got convicted on drug charges and did time for intent to distribute.This is what I had to work with — cokeheads.But I still had a Keith Hernandez poster in my room, and I still loved to hear my mother tell about wheeling my stroller down to Memorial Field and watching all the scouts watching Willie Wilson.But I didn’t know those guys.Those guys didn’t tell me how to live.My parents did, and my parents volunteered, and drove carpool, and quizzed me on Renaissance-masters flash cards until I had it down, and talked to me about ethical issues.(And cursed when they dropped dishes, too.You can’t be Gallant every minute.)
And this is what your son absorbs.He’s not getting that you tacitly approve of steroids by taking him to a Royals game.(Insert your own “if the Royals were on steroids, they’d suck less, so problem solved” joke here.)He’s getting that baseball is a thing the two of you can enjoy together, and that you’re interested in his opinion on steroids, and that you’re concerned that he’s informed — and whatever else he sees you doing and gleans from interacting with you every day, like that littering is bad and he needs to say “please” and “thank you.”
Go to both kinds of games, I would say, but mainly, keep talking to your son about this stuff, and trust him to love the game, and to love certain players, but to know that they’re not saints.
Hi Sars,
How do you get over hurting someone?
I’m in the middle/end of a divorce.My ex and I had been married for five years and I left him for a woman last fall.Obviously it was an incredibly difficult decision on my part and one which I made after almost becoming physically ill from stress.We had been to a marriage counselor eight months previously, but questions about my sexuality hadn’t come up with her.We mostly talked about communication difficulties and issues of trust.My ex, however, knew it was an issue and at one point asked me point-blank if I was a lesbian.My answer was “I don’t know.”I still don’t know for sure, but there are many ways that my current relationship just “fits better,” both sexually and emotionally, so maybe I am.
In any case, I initially made a decision after we reconnected during our marriage therapy to really buckle down and try to make it work with him and to ignore crushes I had on women, and really focus on him and our marriage. Now I think it was mostly fear that led to that decision, but it was also because I care about him and we had a pretty good life together.So fast forward through the purchase of a house (a really bad decision, but the house was so cute and I thought it would make me happy — blah blah blah denial-cakes) and some fun times over the summer and I find myself in September with a crush on a female coworker that I just can’t ignore.Long story short, I leave my husband partially because of her and partially because I realize that this issue isn’t going to go away so I better start dealing with it.
Seven months later I’m a good place with my new relationship, and feel confident that I made the right decision for me and my ex (even if he’s only starting to realize that).But my ex is having a hard time emotionally, and that, coupled with a rather large financial loss on the house, is making me feel incredibly guilty.
I know that it’s harder to be left than to do the leaving, but it’s still difficult to be the one doing the heartbreaking and I just don’t know how to let it go.I think constantly about what I could have done differently to make it easier on him, or to make it so mutual friends and his family didn’t think I was the evil lesbian bitch from hell.I just want to let it go, and I know that some of that will come with time, but I’d really like to just relax and be okay with being happy instead of beating myself up and feeling guilty for every second of happiness I have.Do I even have the right to be happy now?Or is this my punishment?
Some marriages definitely have a lifespan, at least from the viewpoint of an evil lesbian bitch from hell
Dear Evil,
I think it takes time.And overall, I agree that it’s harder to be left — but in some ways, it’s just as hard to do the leaving.It’s just a different kind of hard, and not one that other people tend to have as much compassion for, and I think at this point, you’ve absorbed enough of that lack of empathy that you think to yourself, wow, they must be right about me.I must be a heartless bitch.
Now, I don’t know the circumstances of the marriage itself and whether your sexuality was an issue that you assured your husband was dead at the time you got married — but based on what you’ve told me, you made the best of a bad job, and sometimes, that’s all you can do.You tried to work things out in counseling; you tried to invest in your future with him; when it became clear to you that that wasn’t going to work, you left the relationship rather than hurt him further.It’s not ideal, but…it’s a divorce.”Ideal” is tough to come by.You did your best to make things right and minimize the fallout, but there’s only so much you can do.
Give it time.Give your ex his space, and if friends and family side with him, well, people think what they want; don’t take it too much to heart.Yes, you hurt him, and yes, the house is a problem, but you did what you thought was right and loving at the time, and anyway, you can’t go back, so give yourself some credit for the effort even though it didn’t work out.
You could have handled it much worse — and again, you can’t handle it over even if you want to.Try to feel good about what you can, and what you feel bad about, give yourself twenty minutes to brood and then move on to something else, because beating yourself up doesn’t help anyone.
Tags: boys (and girls) kids
