The Vine: May 23, 2006
Sars,
I’m
hoping you can help me out with my boy troubles.
I recently started a “thing” with a boy I’ve been friends with for
about three years. We were flirty for a long time, and all our
friends took bets on when we’d finally become a thing, so this
relationship has a lot of expectation/importance to me. He is sweet,
smart, cute, and funny and I was attracted to him for most of the
time we were friends.
The trouble is, I am very afraid of relationships.
Dates send me into
a panic and the idea of having to have a boyfriend that I call every
night and see every weekend terrifies me, for some reason. Every time
he wants to go out I feel as though he is encroaching on my
independence, even though he just wants to spend time with me. Every
time he kisses me I am the one who pulls away. Every time we are
together I’m the one who is constantly on the edge of my seat wanting
to leave. Then, when I am alone, I want to be with him desperately.
Why do I feel this way? I know I’m still attracted to him. Why am I
so unable to be intimate with somebody? Is this totally abnormal? Am
I just not cut out for relationships?
I don’t want to hurt him, but it is my senior year of high school and
I want to be with him but still be my own person. If there’s a girls’
night one weekend, I don’t want to have to check and see if he is
okay with me going. If I don’t see him for a while, I don’t want to
feel guilty. I guess the problem is my ideal relationship is one that
conforms to my schedule, that I can pick up when I want to and leave
off when I want to. I know you can’t do that to another person.
We’ve talked about this a few times and he says he is okay with us
not having a conventional relationship but I feel like I’m hurting
him. I don’t want to end things with him but I feel like there’s a
real problem here. I also feel like there’s something horribly wrong
with me — what girl doesn’t want to spend time with her boyfriend?
What normal girl is only attracted to boys until they want
relationships with her and then becomes terrified of them? Am I
doomed for the rest of my life to run away from boys who want nothing
more than to spend time with me?
Thanks for listening,
Intimacy Issues
Dear II,
I think various girls don’t want to spend time with their boyfriends all the time — and I think your first job here is to give yourself a break. Yes, your “ideal” relationship is a little self-centered, but you know you’re kind of off-base there, so just give yourself a little time to work it out.
Your second job is to try to make your peace with the fact that relationships are not perfect cinematic things all the time. I suspect that this is an element of your problem here, that the idea or the concept of having a boyfriend is not really matching up with the reality. But that comes with time, I think; you get used to the other person, or, in your case, because you’re still relatively young, you get used to the facts of having boyfriends, that you have to share, that you have to compromise, that you have to let people in. Not everyone is a natural at this stuff.
And your third job is to try to put less pressure on yourself. It’s a friendship that turned into more than friends, and that happening was, like, a foregone conclusion; that’s kind of a lot to live up to, and I think a big part of your reluctance to get close is a fear that you’re going to screw it up somehow. It’s not him you’re afraid of; it’s yourself.
These are all totally normal responses; no, they’re not that fun to deal with, but at least you’re in touch with the fact that you’re having issues, which is better than some people ever do. So, think about these things. Write about them in a journal. Take a minute before you react to him, if you can, and think about why you’re reacting that way. Be aware of your feelings (and of his), and try to get them onto the same page.
Dear Sarah,
My husband and I are visiting New York City for a long weekend, and having a wonderful time. An acquaintance of his has been so very kind enough to let us stay in her (and her family’s) apartment while we’re in town. She and her husband and two kids have really gone above and beyond the call in making us feel welcomed and at home and making sure that we’re having a good time.
Before we came, we’d told several friends about their kindness, and that we intended to reciprocate by taking them out someplace really nice for dinner and then, after we returned home, sending a thank-you letter with a gift certificate to a favorite store or restaurant (in an amount around $250 or so). Our friends and family (in the Midwest) all agreed that that would be the “right thing to do” to thank them.
Due to their busy family schedule, we have not been able to go out to dinner, and our hostess told us “oh, that’s not really necessary” when we mentioned it, anyway.
Okay, so not a big deal, we’ll just get them a nice gift card… Today, visiting one of the many beautiful museums here, I came across a guidebook to NYC in the gift shop, and leafed through it randomly as I waited for my husband. Imagine my surprise to find a mention that in New York City, bringing a hostess gift or sending one after you return home again is not only unnecessary, most New Yorkers would actually consider it “rude” to do so.
Sars, is this the truth? The last thing I want is to be rude to these nice people, but they’ve been SO nice, and I know that if they came to our city, we wouldn’t be able to return the favor by putting them up in our home (it’s MUCH smaller).
We’re going home in just a couple of days, and I want to make sure I do the right thing to thank them. I WILL at least be sending a thank-you letter, but maybe there’s some other gift I could send that wouldn’t be rude? Or maybe that idea of it being rude is just one person’s opinion that I should disregard?
Thank you!
I Never Thought I’d Have Something To Ask You About, But I’m Glad You’re There
Dear Thanks,
“Rude”? What guidebook were you reading, because…no. Yes, a $250 gift is probably a little much, but I for one would not react in pearl-clutching horror at your bad manners; I might think it was too generous of you, and not necessary, but “rude”? Hardly, and I don’t see how that conclusion would get drawn, either. I mean, no, you don’t want to send something physically large, generally, because we’re working with limited space, but beyond that, there isn’t a city-wide policy whereby you’re raised by wolves if you send, like, a toiletries basket or what have you.
If you feel really strongly about sending something, go for it. I would tone down the price a bit, maybe — the family isn’t graduating (heh) — but it’s a kind instinct, and I’m sure your hosts will be touched, or at least not horrified, by the gesture.
Dear Sars,
So I was hoping you’d write about the Barry Bonds question, because I love your baseball writings. Hence this.
When I was a kid, I was a Braves fan. An unashamed, unrepentant Braves fan. Dale Murphy and his wife were having a kid at Piedmont Hospital the same night my little brother was being born there. (Admittedly, Murph had roughly six thousand kids, so my brother is not all that special in that regard.) I was there for the Andres Thomas/Bruce Benedict/Zane Smith years. I was at the game where Bob Horner hit four home runs (against the Expos; the Braves still lost, that’s how bad they were at the time). I was all Future Mrs. Tom Glavine in middle school. And then I can tell you all about how in the early ’90s everybody had to stay up to find out what the Dodgers were doing because the Braves were still in the National League West and the morning paper didn’t print scores that late. Et cetera. Et cetera.
And now…I still love Tom Glavine, no matter what uniform he wears, but the Braves…I don’t know what happened. Partially that I have been asked one too many times to get excited in August and pretend I don’t know that come October Bobby Cox starts preparing early for his winter vacation and Chipper Jones forgets how to hit. Partially because Chipper strikes me as an unlikeable frat boy and the Best Centerfielder Evah propaganda about Andruw Jones has finally petered out. Partially because we made a big stink about John Rocker but John Smoltz gets a pass even while sounding like the most obnoxious stereotype of a conservative Christian. Partially because the only good thing associated with AOL-Time Warner now is Cartoon Network. All of that; but frankly, all teams have their ownership squabbles and their unlikeable players and their streaks of collapse, and the fans hang on.
And I haven’t hung on. I turn on the radio and Pete Van Wieren and Don Sutton are talking just like they’ve been talking for most of my adult life, or Skip Caray is on and muttering asides like he’s been doing as long as I can remember. Two years ago I would have kept it on just because it was the Braves and it was comforting. Now I flip. I cared about Mark Lemke and Jeff Treadway and Jeff Blauser, I cared about poor Otis Nixon, I cared about Andres Galarraga (who got shipped off far too soon), I even cared about Julio Franco, God bless him and his craziness. But I cannot bring myself to give a rat’s ass about Jeff “That Nice Boy from Lilburn” Francoeur, and I have no idea what place the Braves are in right now.
And that saddens me. So, Sars, I’ll take any advice. You can stick in all the “Buffalo Braves” snark and references to ’96 you’d like, just as long as you can help me reconcile with my hometown team.
Fair-Weather Fan
Dear Fair,
Well, I could make any number of “the Braves suck, no wonder you’re disenchanted” or “Skip Caray is obviously the problem here” comments, but they probably aren’t terribly helpful.
I went through a period myself, in college, where I didn’t care about any particular team anymore. Part of it was that it was a lot harder to keep up with the Mets, which was my team then, because what we watched on TV had to be voted on, and on the few occasions when baseball won, the Yankee fans usually prevailed; part of it was that, seriously, the Mets were maddening back then; part of it was that I had other things going on in my life and wasn’t home a lot…I still loved the game. I just didn’t have room for the team.
But I came back to it. You probably will too, but right now, you don’t care; it is what it is. Just let it lie fallow for a while, read some baseball books or something, and come back to the team when you’re ready.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette
