The Vine: May 7, 2004
Sars,
The site rocks.Rocks, I say!Ahem…
So, this question has to do with what seems like two favorite topics of
yours — baseball, and grammar (there might also be some cat stuff thrown in
if I decide to be really clever).
The more I listen to or watch baseball games, one particular phrase keeps
gnawing at me: “flied out.”As in “Soriano flied out to Vernon Wells.”
Call me crazy, but I thought the past tense of “to fly” was “flew,” as in
“I flew out for a conference in Portland last week.”Do the differences
stem from a difference in meanings or context, or is everyone who uses
“flied out” as in the first example just wrong, wrong, wrong?
It grates on
me every time I hear it, so I’d like to know if I can feel smugly in the
know, or if I should just drop it and concentrate my psychic energy on
making the Blue Jays not adopt the crap-ola new logo/color scheme they seem
wont to don come next year.
Thankfully yours,
Hoping For a Few Grounders Until This Gets Clarified
Dear Take Two And Hit To Right,
To my delight, the dictionary does distinguish between the contexts.The third definition of “fly” is listed as follows:
fly vi flied; fly-ing (1893) : to hit a fly in baseball
So, in the context of the game, “flied out” is correct.
Dear Sars,
I’m 32 and have been married for 14 months.My husband, S, and I were together for four years before our wedding, cohabitating for three of those years.We work for different departments of the same company.I love him dearly and feel his love for me every day.
I like to drink.When I go out with my friends, I tend to drink too much.Excessive alcohol consumption affects me differently than anyone else I know.My hangovers consist of terrible headaches and violent vomiting that lasts for most of the day after I’ve indulged.Since S and I have been together, I’ve missed approximately three days of work per year due to hangovers.I’ve been known to polish off an entire bottle of red wine by myself while watching an awards show or HBO’s Sunday night lineup.I don’t drink every day; my average consumption is 2 to 3 drinks per week.
I overindulged a few months ago, and missed a day of work.Before S left for work that day, he told me that he was quickly losing sympathy for me when I was hungover, and that he was concerned that I didn’t know when to stop drinking.I had never heard him speak that plainly about how my drinking affected him, and I was moved to tears, profuse apologies, and promises to modify my behavior.
Then, a couple Fridays ago, I went out with a group of co-workers for happy hour.S stayed at work later than usual, and when he was finished he came by the bar and asked if I was ready to go home.I said that I wanted to stay out and asked if he was okay with that.He said he was, but he expressed skepticism about my well-being.I assured him that I’d be fine.Well, I wasn’t.It was as if the conversation we’d had months ago never happened; in fact, I didn’t even remember it while I was consuming two neat Scotches and four beers.
I stumbled home at midnight, slept on the couch, and was useless the next day.One of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had, and that’s saying a mouthful.S was really angry and disappointed.He said that it felt like I was choosing alcohol over him, and asked why I would want to hang out with acquaintances instead of going home with him.He said that one of the things that makes our relationship work is that we allow each other our freedom, but that if I kept fucking up, he would always be suspicious of me, and the trust would be gone, the freedom would be gone, and our marriage would be in jeopardy. As he talked, the conversation a few months ago came flooding back to me, and again I was filled with remorse.I sobbed and blubbered and told him he was the best thing in my life, and again said I was sorry.He said he appreciated my sentiments, but that he’s heard this from me before and he wouldn’t really believe me until I showed him that I could change this behavior.
The thing is, Sars, I’m the apologizer in this relationship.I say “I’m sorry” all the time, and I always feel like I’m the one in the wrong.S is very headstrong, speaks his own truth, and rarely apologizes to anyone.I told him that I would stop overindulging, that I would respect my limit, but that I would need support and positive reinforcement from him.I had two glasses of wine on Thanksgiving and stopped, but I haven’t really been tested in a true social setting.There’s still part of me that feels that if I make the choice to be puking and miserable the next day, that’s my business, and it shouldn’t bother him so much.I mean, 98 percent of the time I’m a fully functioning member of society.I’m a good person and a good wife.On the other hand, why would any rational person willfully indulge in a substance that renders her puking and miserable?
How do I emerge from this with both my marriage and my dignity intact?I don’t want to grovel for S’s approval, or feel like I’m the delinquent whose next misstep could ruin everything for everybody.Do you think I should seek counseling? Marital or substance abuse?Or both?
Thanks for your time and your help,
Is My Name Bill W?
Dear Billie,
Before you head for the nearest church basement, I think you need to talk to S — sober, not hungover, when everyone’s calm and there isn’t a recent “incident” to cloud the issue.You need to ask S how he feels about your overindulgence — in exactly those words.Do not use phrases like “why you have such a big problem with” or “why you make me feel like”; ask him how he feels and why, and really listen to the answer.Don’t interrupt to plead your case, because you’re not trying to “win.”You’re trying to discern what S needs here and whether you can work with that, so sit quietly and listen to the entire answer so that he speaks as honestly as he can.
Because I suspect that the problem is not the drinking itself, or the puking.It’s something else.And you need to ask yourself the same question you ask him — how do you feel about drinking?Leave S out of it; why do you do it if you apparently have a physical allergy to it, or if you can’t acknowledge your own limits?What is it about drinking way too much that’s so appealing?Because, hey, it is appealing at times; I won’t act like Carry Nation over here, because I like a tipple.But if you get puking drunk every time?Why?What does it give you that you need?Why is it a hardship to confine yourself to a couple of glasses of wine?Why do you have no in-between?
Get these questions answered.I don’t think you have an alcohol problem, exactly, but before you jump straight to “it’s unfair of him to make me choose between him and drinking,” take a long look at why it’s come to that.I do kind of agree with you that, if you want to get wrecked now and then and you don’t expect him to hold your hair back, it’s not that big a deal — but now, somehow, it is a big deal, for both of you, so treat it as such and try to figure out what’s going on underneath.
Don’t make any big decisions yet; talk to S, and talk to yourself.I mean, not out loud in the supermarket, but the next time you get an invitation to go out for drinks, think.Think about how you envision it, about how you feel, about how you think it’s going to go.Think twice.Like I said, something else is going on.Stick to Sprite until you figure out what it is.
Dear Sars,
I love my boyfriend with all my heart, we’ve been together a year and a half, but now my parents think he isn’t treating me right. They won’t let me talk to him, see him, or anything. We have the intention of getting married and everything. My parents are really strict, if they could have it there way, they would keep me home 24/7 indoors, because they don’t want anything to happen to me. They always butt into my business and everyone else’s too. They told me today that I would have to choose between them or my boyfriend. What do I do?
M
Dear M,
I have exactly none of the information I need to answer your question.What it is exactly that your parents accuse your boyfriend of doing — hitting you?Cheating on you?How old are you?Do you still live at home?Do your parents still have the right to interfere because you’re a minor child, or is this “it’s him or us” drama designed to keep a 21-year-old in line?
I have no idea what to tell you; I know nothing about the situation, really.I can tell you want me to take your side, but seriously, I wouldn’t have the first clue where to stand in order to do that.
Write back to me when you’ve got some information I can use.
Please, please, help!
So there’s this guy…I originally met him about three years ago at a bar (with all that entails) and really hit it off.Yadda, yadda, yadda, we went back to my place, fooled around (without actually offending my Catholic religion), and kind of left it at that.Ran into each other again a year later, hung out all night, but then realized (as in “realized”) that we were both otherwise involved.
FF to last weekend.After the bumping into each other, we talked for quite a while and discoverd we actually had things in common.Can I yadda yadda again?Because we ended up at his place.Lots o’ fun, and good times ensued.And now the Issue.Two days later, I made up an excuse to call him, telling him I lost my ATM card and thought it was at his place.We ended up running into each other (small town) and I (stupidly, drunkenly) told him I made up the whole ATM fiasco.
Where to go from here?I think he thinks I’m a little off-balance, and I’d like to disprove that, but should I?Or do I just hang my head in shame and learn a lesson from this immature behavior?
Obrigada,
Eileen
Dear Hee,
Ohhh, the faux leave-behind.She is a harsh mistress.Hey, at least you copped to it; if he isn’t sort of charmed by the fact that you went to such lengths to talk to him again, or he doesn’t think it’s at least kind of funny, bah.The hell with him.
Call him up again, no gimmicks this time, and ask him out for a drink or to go bowling or something.Then if he’s like, “Er…you craz-aaayyyy,” tell him to lighten up, hang up, and forget his uptight ass.
Hey, Sars!
A question asked by another reader and your answer (Mind Boggled: wracking
vs. racking) caused me to wonder:If you rack your brain, and that’s
derived from the torture device, when you get stressed out, are your nerves
wracked or racked? I always thought the correct term was “nerve-wracking,”
but maybe I’m wrong?
Also (and this has been bugging me for quite some time): when one narrows
in on something, is it “honing in” or “homing in”?I’ve been using “homing
in,” assuming that it was derived from something like a homing device.But
I hear people using “hone [or honing] in” all the time now, and I want to
know if I’m feeling superior for no reason.
Thanks, Sars!
Honing Pigeon
Dear Get Off My Windowsill,
Garner claims that it’s “nerve-racking.”I believe I’ve been using that one incorrectly for twenty years also.”Thanks,” Garner.(Heh.)He does explain that “to rack” means to torture or oppress, while “to wrack” means to wreck and destroy utterly, but it’s not a helpful distinction here, at least not to me.If “nerve-racking” means “nerve-torturing,” what’s wrong with using “nerve-wracking” if you mean that the situation is destroying said nerves?
Silly me, trying to apply reason to rules of usage.Anyway, evidently it’s “nerve-racking.”Sigh.Next!
“To hone” means “to sharpen”; it sounds sort of like it might fit, but it doesn’t quite.The etymology does derive primarily from the homing pigeon.”Home in” or “home in on” is correct.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar health and beauty the fam
