Sars,

I had to respond after reading “Might as well change her name to ‘and she’s smart too!'”‘s letter.I was that child growing up.People stopped my parents all of the time to comment on my looks.I learned to respond in the same way that Might’s daughter did.

To be blunt, it fucked with me later on.I know that I am also smart, and that in the end smarts matter way more than looks, but as I got older and people stopped being so vocal about their appreciation of my looks, it did really bad things to my self-esteem.Today I am still told I am an attractive young woman and I notice appreciative looks, but my own self-image is skewed badly.My parents (especially my mom) reinforced to me how intelligent I was, and my dad made sure that I applied myself and didn’t coast on looks alone.I still somehow equate how much someone loves me or whether they want to be around me with how attractive or unattractive I feel I look.It sucks and I know it’s a screwy way to look at things, but there it is.I have a seven-year-old daughter who resembles me so much and though her father and I do tell her she is pretty or looks nice, I really try to emphasize her internal qualities — she’s kind, considerate, intelligent and very much loved.

I know it’s an individual thing and Might’s daughter could very well turn out just fine, but I think she is wise to at least acknowledge the potential for damage and to attempt to show her daughter that she is more than external.

M

Dear M,

Our society’s relationship with relative notions of beauty, especially for women, is so profoundly fucked up that I think it’s important for kids to learn as early as possible to value themselves for their individual selves.

I think it’s also important later in their lives, because I don’t need to remind any of you that puberty does not grade on a curve.I went from “pretty cute little kid” to “hideous blob” in about six months, and The Orthodonture Years are a rough enough adjustment for kids who aren’t used to being thought of as model material.And when they become adults, having self-identified too strongly as beauties, or invested a lot of their identities in their looks…I mean, looks fade.Everyone has issues with his/her appearance, and part of that, again, is a culture that venerates prettiness as an actual facet of personality.But in my experience, it’s maybe a bit easier not to take that cultural crap seriously, and to make your own way as a person, if your sense of self isn’t wrapped up in how you look and in the maintenance of that.

Again, I can’t lie and say that I don’t stare at myself in the mirror all “WHAT is with my CROOKED EYE?!” sometimes, because I totally do, and I don’t judge anyone else for doing it.We don’t live in a perfect world where everyone is judged by what’s inside.But I do feel relieved, frequently, that, while I occasionally have thought, “Hey, I look good these days,” I don’t really think of myself as “the pretty girl” so much as “the smart, ruthlessly prompt girl who knows about baseball.”Which I can be at any age.

In the end, though, I think you probably just have to love your kids a ton, and if they know that, they take it out into the world, and it lets them be good to themselves and to other people, regardless of what they look like.

Dear Sars, Final Authority (when lacking the OED, as now):

A question covering both manners and grammar.

When talking about “manners” in the general sense, does the noun act as a singular? I just typed the phrase “It’s good manners that separates group A from group B,” and looked at it funny for about five minutes. I can’t make it scan. “Manners” appears plural, so it messes up subject-verb agreement in a way that niggles at me.

To me, it looks like when you’re using “manners” to talk about someone’s overall grasp of what is and is not fitting (as in “having good manners” — you’re not referring to one specific thing, it’s almost like a condition) it almost has to work as a singular. “They are good manners that separate…” doesn’t work, and “there are good manners that separate” is a little better but looks like it might take a different meaning.

Is there are rule governing this, or is it one of those strange idiomatic lacunae in which you just shrug and use what sounds most pleasing?

Thanks!
Should Have Taken Linguistics This Semester

Dear Ling,

I suspect that it’s one of those “group nouns” that acts like a singular, and the 11C does list it as a plural, but the definition is composed of singulars like “conduct” and “deportment.”Let’s see if Garner has anything to say on the subject…

Okay.Garner’s term for nouns of this type is “collective noun,” and he doesn’t use “manners” as an example, but he does say that the trend in American English is to treat nouns like “faculty” as singular subjects, and to match the verb accordingly, so I think that’s your best bet.

Sars —

I know you harbor an irrational hatred for my beloved Braves, but I respect your baseball knowledge. So, I’m hoping you can give me your take on Bobby Cox’s (mis)management of his pitching staff. Granted, he clearly knows how to win, but I’ve always been aggravated by his handling of his pitchers. He just leaves them in too long, no matter how deep and skilled the bullpen may be.
I can’t be the only one who feels this way, judging by Leo Mazzone’s timely Rain Man imitations.

Tell me please, is this why Atlanta has only one World Series win after all these years of NL dominance? Can you feel my pain? It’s so bad I’ve started watching Cubs and Red Sox fans for tips on handling disappointment.
Seriously, how does it look from that side of the fence?

Frustrated in Atlanta

Dear Frustrated,

Well, it looks like yet another Atlanta postseason ended in relatively short order.I don’t know enough about the club to say whether it’s due to Cox’s mishandling of the hill crew, but I’ve often lamented Stottlemyre’s slow hook; in fact, it’s the easiest couch-coach call to make (viz. me on Weaver last year, everyone and their mama on Grady Little last year, and others about Gardenhire in the Twins/Yanks ALDS).

But the fact is, when a manager or a pitching coach leaves a guy in and it works out, nobody really says anything.You have to look at the other choices available to him, and especially in the NL where the choice is influenced by the batting order in the next inning and who you can bring in off the bench, it’s not as easy a call as it looks.I yelled “hook ‘im already, Mel” at the TV plenty of times during Contreras outings, but if it was the third inning, I understood that he didn’t have much choice; he had to leave Contreras out there for another hour or so and hope the Yankee bats would bail them out.

Again, I don’t know your staff very well.An ace bullpen is great, but if you go to it every day, you’ve got guys who are out of gas by October (Exhibit A: Quantrill, Paul).Maybe that’s why your boys can’t seem to get to the big show.Maybe it’s because the batting order can’t cover the staff’s mistakes.I don’t know.I do know that, often, reluctance to pull the starter is symptomatic of other weaknesses in the roster, and just happens to be the most visible problem that we fans can seize on; look deeper.A mediocre bench could be the cause, or thin middle relief.

Sars,

Oh wise maven of grammar and baseball, my beloved Astros have
(finally) managed to actually win a series in the post-season and that
got me thinking a little bit.I grew up in a baseball family, my dad
played a season of AAA for an Expos (I know) farm-team between high
school and college, so I grew up with a true and deep love of the
game.

Anyway, my question is what do you think the worst change in
baseball has been?Free agency?Interleague play?Bud Selig?My
dad and I are sort of purists, so for us it’s the interleague play
thing, I also don’t really like the three divisions thing and the
“division series” bit, but that I can get past.I don’t remember a
world without free agency, but interleague play is just a crime
against man and God.And Selig, well, everyone hates him.A tie?
Please.

I’m Sorry, But in the AL I Must Go With Boston

Dear Not As Sorry As You’ll Be When “Ankle Express” Schilling Gets Another Start,

I hate Selig, too, but among the choices you’ve offered me, I’d have to go with interleague play.There’s no reason for interleague play; there’s no reason for towns to have “subway serieses” in June.It takes a little of the novelty away from the World Series, in my opinion, and it also wastes time in the schedule that teams should spend playing league rivals.The games the Yankees had against the Mets this year served…what purpose, exactly?First of all, we had an actual Subway Series here in 2000; second of all, and not unrelated to that first point, this year’s Mets squad was not fooling anyone that this was a rematch, because that team was wretched.Third of all, I’d rather the Yankees got a closer look at the western division teams for a few games, for later, in case.Tough competition out there — why are we back here wasting rounds of powder on a Phillies game?

I mean, nothing against the Phillies, but if we’re going to see them, it should be in the Classic.I’d prefer to clap an eyeball on the Athletics and see what their pitching’s up to.

I don’t think free agency is bad in and of itself.The players have the right to find out what the market will bear; the market itself is whacked, and I guess it’s easy for me not to mind the huge salaries when I root for a rich team, and I wish Curt Flood hadn’t had to eat it to get it to work, but generally speaking I don’t think it’s bad.

But the worst change in baseball is the prevalence of steroids.Ken Caminiti just died, apparently of a heart attack, at the age of 41.Caminiti had a number of substance-abuse problems, but he did use steroids, and I don’t think that helped his cardiac health.Steroids are a serious and potentially deadly problem in baseball, and as much as I dislike the DH and wish organized baseball would ditch it, it’s been in effect since I was a newborn and I’ve sort of made my peace with it.This is a much larger issue; Caminiti’s death is getting lost in the Christopher Reeve shuffle, and it’s a shame, because I think it could serve as an overdue heads-up to baseball that they need to lean on the players’ union and standardize some sort of testing regime, get players in the minors educated about the risks, implement a zero-tolerance policy — something, anything, or more guys are going to die young and a lot of records are going to need asterisks.

So, yeah.This is part of why I hate Selig.I mentioned this in my Pete Rose piece, but if he doesn’t make steroids his top priority in the next couple of years, the rest of baseball needs to oust him and install an actually impartial commissioner who cares about the game.

Dear Sars,

After moving to Boston not too long ago, I’ve
discovered that I know nothing about baseball.I
mean, I think I understand the nine-innings,
three-strikes-and-four-balls, hate-the-Yankees things,
but I feel seriously out of my depth.This has become
a bit more acute with the advent of the ALCS.(By the
way, what is the difference between the American
League and the National League?It doesn’t seem like
a geographic division.)

What would you include in a primer for baseball (and
the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry)?Any suggestions for
good sources with which to educate myself?

Many thanks!

Baseball Neophyte

Dear Neo,

The first thing to learn is that your team sucks.

Juuuuuust kidding.I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; steeping yourself in the game during the season is the best way to pick up what you need to know.But here we are at the end of the season, so you won’t have the opportunity to do that.

First, grab a copy of The New Dickson Baseball Dictionary (which I was just reading in bed last night, because…dork, right here).It explains a lot of terms very simply and gives you good background in the game’s lingo; I’ve mentioned it in The Vine recently, in fact.

The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, where to start, but basically it’s because Babe Ruth came to the Yankees and proceeded to put up monster hitting numbers and the Sox haven’t won a World Series since — allegedly.Watch the ALCS, they’ll flog the rivalry story to death.Bucky Dent, blah blah — you’ll pick it up.

The National League was actually the first “major” league; the American League was the American Association, a minor league, before becoming a major league, which is why the National League is sometimes called “the senior circuit.”The only difference now is that the American League uses a designated hitter in the line-up instead of allowing pitchers (who generally hit for shit) to bat for themselves.So, you don’t see as much flailing in the bottom of the order in the AL, but you see much less nuance in bullpen strategy in the AL than you used to.

In the off season, read some baseball books — Roger Angell’s older stuff, Roger Kahn’s Boys of Summer, Jim Bouton’s Ball Four, and for a real grounding in old-school baseball, the Fireside series (check eBay; it’s long out of print and I had to read my dad’s copies as a kid).Watch Ken Burns’s Baseball series (your local library will have it).The Bill James Historical Abstract is another good book (but weighs a ton).

And when the new season starts, read your local columnists every day; find a Red Sox blogger and hit that site every day; check out The Hardball Times (I know I’ve flogged these guys twice now today, but it’s a really good site).It takes some time, but after a few months, you find that suddenly you understand and know things about the game and you feel at home talking about it, which is a cool feeling.Have fun!

[10/13/04]

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