Dear Sars,

So how ’bout that security last night at Yank-me Stadium???

Love always,
Bill Simmons’s Dad

Dear BSD,

I would like to apologize to you on behalf of Yankee fans, New Yorkers, and humanity for last night’s total horror show in Section 655, because ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Okay, here’s the deal.BSD and I went to the game.BSD put his Sox hat on outside the Stadium.Time it took to prompt a howl of “BOSTON SUCKS”?Eight seconds.Which is pretty awesome, actually, and that’s how BSD and I took it — that, and most of the rest of the ribbing he got.BSD and I go to Yanks/Sox games all the time, he always wears his hat, people always give him shit, people always give me shit for fraternizing, I yell back jokes about how he paid me to protect him, everybody chuckles, and it’s all in good fun.

But last night it crossed a line, because in addition to throwing shit onto the field, which, ha ha, not, Yankee fans were also throwing shit at Boston fans.Shit like full beers.At Boston fans’ heads.And hitting the Yankee fans next to them.In the head.What the fuck, folks?

No, seriously.What the fuck?First of all, those beers cost eight bucks, and if you’re so rich that you can throw fifty bucks’ worth of beer at a guy who didn’t even do anything to you, just hire a hit man already, tough guy.Second of all, throwing a full beer at someone whose back is to you is horseshit.Third of all, learn to aim, because you hit me, like, twice.Fourth of all, I love this game and I could talk about it all day, but — it’s just a game.Calm the fuck down and learn to accept defeat with some grace, you mook.

I mean, my God.I’d like to thank the guys in driving caps in Row B who were totally like, “Hey, Stretch, your guy’s RIGHT THERE” and ratted the beer-thrower out for us so we could make security do something.I’d like to thank the fans who WEREN’T dicks and who were fun to banter with and talk baseball with, on the way into the Stadium, and in line to get a pretzel.But Stadium security and the lazy-ass cop in our section specifically can kiss my bony ass.I had ANOTHER mole surgery yesterday afternoon, and if one of those beers had hit my shoulder, I’d have hung that fuckwad from the foul pole by his underpants.SARAH SMASH!

We had to leave before the game ended.BSD made me; he didn’t want anyone around us to get hurt.I wanted PLENTY of people around us to get hurt, so it’s good that we left, probably.But…look.The rivalry is great.Shit-talking is fun.Hey, shit-talking is how I make my living, and I’m happy to tune up my skills live; BSD expected to take some guff, it’s no big deal, and you can learn some really cool new insults at these games.But don’t throw things and think you’re all cool, dickhead, because it’s classless, childish, dangerous, and distracting to other fans, and one of these days, BSD’s cooler head is not going to be the one that prevails.One of these days, you’re going to clip a guy who’s going to kick your fucking ass.Save everyone the trouble and quit it.

And while I’m up, one more thing: “Boston sucks” is a fine old cheer.Pithy.Chanty.Often true.”Boston’s a bunch of homos”?Where to start with that?It’s got no rhythm, it’s factually inaccurate, even if it were accurate it doesn’t mean Ortiz can’t hit, and can we just generally speaking close the doors of the “Fuckin’ Faggot” School of Cheering and fill the place in with cement?How is this still acceptable?Yeah, yeah, it’s the Bronx — no excuse.No excuse for it anywhere in 2004.I’m a big fan of lustily-yelled insults, but when you and your homo-panic call Curt Schilling a goddamn queer, because it really is the worst thing to call someone in your “it’s only gay if you’re giving the blowjob” world, you tell me a lot more about yourself than you do about Schilling.Homophobia is over, dude.Live in the now and keep your bigoted shit to yourself.

Dear Bill Simmons’s Dad,

Do you think the Red Sox will let Pedro Martinez go once he becomes a
free agent at the end of the season with or without a championship?

If, heaven forbid, the Yankees and Astros meet in the World Series, as
a loyal Red Sox fan, I can’t decide who I want to lose more, Roger
Clemens or the Yankees, any advice?

Any light to shed on the horrible Red Sox hair this season?

Daughter of Sam in New Jersey

Dear Dirty Water Jersey Daughter,

I wish I had the answer to that question.The conventional wisdom is
that Pedro will return to Boston, but he’ll receive offers, most likely
from Anaheim and maybe the new Washington team.Yes, the Yankees will
likely dabble in it as well, but I expect that to be more of a ploy to
drive up his market value more than anything else.We’ve all seen
Pedro’s game decline a bit over the last few years.You don’t think the
Yankees have noticed too?Plus, I see them going after a younger gun,
like Florida’s Carl Pavano (who, ironically, was one of the pitchers the
Red Sox traded to Montreal, along with Tony Armas Jr., to acquire
Martinez).So your guess is as good as mine, but I think he’ll be in
Boston next season.

As for a possible Astros/Yankees World Series, I have no problem rooting
for Roger and his team to win it all.Roger’s never been one of my
favorite players, but it has less to do with his leaving Boston than it
does for him just being — allow me to quote Gandolfini’s favorite curse
word (as per Inside The Actor’s Studio) — a “fucking douchebag.”He’s
hardly a likable person, and brings most of it upon himself (Piazza
much?).However, I never held it against him for leaving Boston, for I
too, like Dan Duquette, thought he was in the “twilight of his career.”
Leaving Beantown resurrected his career and was the best thing for
him (and for Boston, as they acquired Martinez shortly after).I respect
him as a pitcher, maybe the greatest ever, and will always remember the
many great years he put up in Boston.Plus, I’m not particularly fond
of Pedro either, but he’s on my team so you tend to just play along.
So, no, it will not be hard for me to root for Roger and the Astros over
the Yankees.But it’s too bad for the Yankees that it will never come
to that.(Heh.)

BSD

Sarah,

Liked your voting essay, and I have a question for you.I know you’ve said you voted Libertarian last time, and I wouldn’t ask you to reveal who you are voting for this time, but I was wondering if you had advice for someone like me who voted for Bush last time, has been quite disappointed with his record in office, particularly on social issues, but cannot in good conscience vote for John Kerry, since the terrorism/war/economy issues seem to trump social concerns at this point in time, and I just completely disagree with Kerry on those issues.

Not to get into a political discussion right now, but nothing at all in Kerry’s record leads me to believe we’d be safer from attack with him in charge than Bush.And nothing in his economic record or proposals leads me to believe we’d be better off with his policies.So while I can’t stand Bush’s religious rightward tilt while in office, especially his anti-gay stance that affects me personally, I think pragmatically I need to vote for him.Voting Libertarian or Nader or not at all just doesn’t seem worth it — they’re not going to win anyway.

So although I’m sure you completely disagree with my theories on Kerry and war and the economy, given that I believe strongly in my opinions (and they aren’t going to change), is it wrong for me just to vote Bush again and be done with it, even if I’m sacrificing some other core beliefs that I don’t think are quite as crucial post-9/11?

Sincerely,
Very Shaky Bush Supporter

Dear Shaky,

I don’t disagree with you as strongly as you might think.I voted Lib last time because it seemed the closest to my actual social liberal/fiscal conservative beliefs, so it sounds like, theoretically, we’re closer together on the spectrum than you might believe.And I’m voting for Kerry (early and often…hee), but it’s worth pointing out that I’m really voting against Bush, who I find utterly reprehensible.I wasn’t born yesterday; I know it’s basically a “meet the new boss, same as the old boss” deal where Kerry’s going to make a lot of mistakes too.But as an Ovarian-American, I don’t feel I’ve got much choice.I can’t vote for a guy who hates my ass.

But I’ve got friends and family in your position — can’t in good conscience vote for Bush, but can’t in good conscience vote for Kerry either — and it’s times like this where I really wish the federal ballot had an official “no confidence” box, or some way that the electorate could communicate that this is a lesser-of-two-evils thing.Maybe if they put “Death Is Not An Option” at the top?I don’t know.

That’s not the world we live in.I don’t know what to tell you.I think you should vote against Bush, and if that means you happen to vote for Kerry, well, okay.But I also think you should see what’s going on with your local elections — research how any Congresspeople and Senators and assemblyfolk up for reelection in your area voted on matters of intelligence and national security, and support those at the state and federal legislative level who agree with your assessment of handling the terror threat.That’s just as important as who’s in the Oval Office when it comes to these policies.

So I have a sort of “matter of opinion” question for you.I live in a
southern state both geographically and in its mentality towards
change/minorities/gay rights…well, pretty much everything.I know
that everyone from Oprah to Christina Aguilera is telling me to vote,
but for me, what’s the point? With the set-up of the electoral system,
my vote really doesn’t count.

I know that when I drive to my nearest
polling place and get out of my fuel-efficient sedan with the John
Kerry sticker on the back I’ll get angry stares from the soccer moms,
the rednecks, and well, probably everyone else there. I’m concerned
about the future of our country, but at twenty years old I already
feel very disillusioned about our political system and my inability to
cast a vote that counts.

Is there any way to make more of a difference
even in a place where everyone but me seems to own a rifle and think
that George W. put God back in the White House?

The Lonely Democrat

Dear I Feel You,

Vote anyway.I’m going to be in the same position as you, the only person with a Kerry pin on her bag, because I live in a neighborhood where people tend to fall for that exploitive “a vote for Kerry MEANS YOU HATE THE DEAD FIREFIGHTERS” crap.I actually caught shit for my Kerry bumper sticker from a guy on the street once, although actually we wound up having a cool talk about Bush’s handling of the VA.Anyway…I hear you.This ain’t liberal country out here, either, and it’s New York City.

But I’d vote anyway, just to know that you tried, that at least when they count the popular vote, yours is part of the total.Voter apathy is a big problem and if enough people who thought the same way as you came out to the polls instead of staying home and cringing in front of CNN, we’d be looking at a different race here.So, please go.It counts.It counts because you cared enough to stand up for your political beliefs even if you thought you’d probably lose.

And it may not work, but there’s plenty you can do at the local level for more liberal causes — I don’t know what you’re into, issues-wise, but organizations like Greenpeace and NOW and whatnot have local and state chapters, and they’re always looking for people to make calls and stuff envelopes.And if there’s a specific policy of Bush’s that’s adversely affecting your community, find — or found — an organization that’s trying to fix it, and join up or start it yourself.

But — vote.

Hi Sars,

I have what is most probably a very basic baseball question for you: why are we on Game Seven of the ALCS?Five is an odd number, why not best of five?It seems like seven is a strain on the bullpen with the World Series on the horizon.What’s the origin of the number of games played in the championship series?

Thanks,
Trivially Challenged

Dear Triv,

I don’t know for sure — email me, readers, if you’re better informed — but my guess is this: back in the day, you had two leagues of eight teams each.Whoever had the best record in each league at the end of the regular season had won the pennant and proceeded straight to the World Series; they didn’t have playoffs.(They did have so-called “second division” teams, but that only meant that the team was in the bottom half of the standings.)

So, the World Series is seven games.The World Series was not always seven games; baseball tried best of fives and best of nines, and in fact the notorious 1919 series was a best of nine.(Can you name the White Sox’s opponent in that series?First person to email me with it gets magnets.)But eventually it was decided that a best of seven was the way to go.

Then came expansion, and the League Championship Series…eses (?), which were also seven games, probably because the Fall Classic was seven games, so it seemed fair to do it the same way (I believe initially that the LCSes were five games also, later expanded to seven, but I’d have to check that).But then came more expansion, which necessitated the Division Serieseseseseses, and I imagine that these were envisioned and set at five games so that the postseason wouldn’t drag on for three months like the NBA’s seems to every year.

I do think seven games gives you a more “accurate” result in terms of the better team prevailing; as I said in a column last week, flukes would seem to even out better over the course of seven games than over the course of five.

[10/20/04]

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