Re: books about baseball.

I also suggest all of W.P. Kinsella’s novels and short stories that have to do with baseball.I’m not a huge baseball fan, but my dad was —
Kinsella’s baseball books make me all warm and fuzzy and remind me of him.They’re well-written and entertaining and he has a feel for baseball and people’s devotion to it that really (if you’ll excuse the metaphor) hits home for me.

Wishes she could think of a clever alias

Dear Wishes,

I can’t believe I forgot Kinsella yesterday!He’s great — GREAT.

The movie version of Field Of Dreams is wonderful, but the book is even better, and The Iowa Baseball Confederacy is even better than that — why haven’t they made a movie out of that book yet?Kinsella is an unabashed romantic about baseball, and a superstitious lover of coincidence — two of my favorite things.

You could also try Malamud’s The Natural, but the movie is far superior.(That’s the only quotation from my yearbook page that I didn’t mention in this week’s essay — Roy looking out over the field and breathing, “God, I love baseball.”)

Hey Sars,

I’d like your opinion on something that’s really been bothering me.I live in an apartment with three friends.We all have our own bedrooms.One of my roommates has a boyfriend.They’ve been together for a couple of years.He’s an awesome guy and I enjoy his company, normally.Before we moved into the apartment, a few months ago, we agreed that we wouldn’t allow boyfriends to sleep over all the time.We only have one bathroom, so it’s already tough in the morning to get out of the apartment on time.We have a very precise showering schedule that works fine.When you throw someone else into the mix, it gets almost impossible.So we decided that weekends are fine for boyfriends to sleep over, and occasionally during the week.

My roommate’s boyfriend has been at our apartment since Saturday, and today’s Wednesday.And he’s sick.He thinks it’s a sinus infection, which one of my other roommates gets occasionally and really doesn’t want one right now.She just started a new job last month and doesn’t want to get sick.He goes to law school, but hasn’t gone to class the last few days.So why doesn’t he just go home?He lives with his mother and sister.Both of them, I’m sure, would have no problem helping him out if he needs anything.He’s been lying in bed watching TV for four days.And he showers a couple times a day too.My roommate didn’t ask any of us if it was okay with us if he stayed.If she had, we would have said no.But I don’t think she even realized she should ask us.

My roommate is very sensitive, very defensive, and very assertive.One of my other roommates wants to confront her herself and tell her she’s not happy with him staying at our place.My other roommate is scared to confront her by herself.She’s overly nice and doesn’t do well with arguments.How should I confront my roommate to tell her that he shouldn’t be at our apartment?Is it not right that we even care this much about it and that we don’t want him there?I don’t want it to seem like we’re ganging up on her, but I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again.And I don’t want to cause any more tension in the apartment.Usually we all get along very well.

Mel in Boston

Dear Mel,

Tell her what you just told me.”Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I like your boyfriend a lot, but he’s disrupting the shower schedule and exposing the rest of us to germs.It’s fine if he’s here on weekends, as we agreed, but beyond that, well, he’s not paying rent, so he needs to spend a little more time at his own place during the week, and when he is here, he showers last.Okay?Okay, great.Thanks.”Lay it out for her and leave the room.

If she gets mad, she gets mad — but her boyfriend doesn’t live there, and that’s the bottom line, so don’t get sucked into a petty argument about how much soap he’s paid for or whatever.Remind her that he’s spending too much time there, make it clear that you expect her to fix it, deflect any bitching with “well, we all agreed to this, so, whatever,” and go about your business.

That tension you want to avoid?Already exists.Confront it.

Dear Sars,

I love Tomato Nation. You’re such a terrific writer —
I aspire to be like you some day. But then, you’ve heard that before, so I’ll (get down on my knees, look beseechingly up at your radiant visage, and) pray that you can offer some perspective on my situation.

To shorten it a bit: My boyfriend, “James,” nearly transferred to another school (a thousand miles away) for junior year, then told me last week that he’d changed his mind and was coming back. In the meantime, I’d got an apartment with my best friend, “Yvonne.” James asked if he could stay with me and Yvonne for part of the time he was looking for a place, so I said okay. I told her he’d probably be staying with us (in my room) for a week or two at most, and told her that I realized it was her apartment too and if she wanted anything or had any concerns, I wanted her to tell me. I do realize it’s a tough situation.

So the next day, she tells me (over ICQ; we live far away from each other) that she “doesn’t really want James staying with us, especially not long-term.” Now, I admit my hackles went up. I realize it’s her apartment too, but she and James are friends (of a sort), she knew James and I were together when she signed the lease, she knew he planned to stay over with me sometimes whether he was living a block or a thousand miles away, and it’s a little late for her to say she doesn’t want him to visit at all.

But on to the next part of that sentence. I told her he wouldn’t be there long-term — and I asked her how long she wanted him there. She said less than two weeks. I said that wouldn’t be a problem (and it won’t); it can be three days, five, whatever she can deal with. She didn’t believe me. I told her again, it would be much less than two weeks. She said I tend to try to make him happy, and he might try to take advantage of us, and what if he started a fight with me about it? I said he wouldn’t, but that didn’t matter; I’d make him leave. She said she was worried we’d get kicked out of our apartment (our lease specifies only two people living in the apartment, but allows for guests). I said he wouldn’t be there that long, and anyway, I’d get him to leave when she wanted. She said I’m bad at organizing things and enforcing rules. Yes, but I keep my promises. She said “I feel I have to be tough about this, or you will walk all over me.”

Way out of left field, that one. She’s way more dominating than I am; last year we used to fight because she would come into my room and I couldn’t get her to leave. Not to mention, I did care what she wanted in this matter; I just didn’t care to be insulted while finding out. Between that and the other insults to me and my boyfriend, I was literally seeing red. I essentially said, “You’re abusive and controlling and possessive and I don’t know why I’m friends with you, fuck off.” We sortakinda calmed down later, but I’m still seething.

James has told me just to let her win this one; he’ll go somewhere else. All right, fine. But I am still half blinded with rage. Every time Yvonne is unhappy, I get all these emotions dumped on me; she’s just “telling me how she feels,” but if her feelings involve “you’re incapable of enforcing rules, your boyfriend is a user, and you’re going to walk all over me,” I’d just as soon not be told. We’ve had week-long fights because I can’t handle being insulted, silent-treatmented, and bitched out for things that are not my problem. And if she decides not to trust me, if she thinks I and James (her friends!) are out to get her, if she’s lonely because I haven’t been on ICQ in two days (a recurring fight of ours), I’m sorry, but that is not my problem. She always bitches, cools down, and forgets about it within hours. I seethe for weeks. It’s driving me crazy.

I love her, and I’m no saint myself. But I’m afraid that the next time this happens, I’m going to get violent. Forget her; I feel like I’m the one being walked all over. I’ve tried talking to her, not talking to her, yelling at her (a lot of that lately), and none of it works. Is there any way I can change this, or at least learn not to let it bother me so much?

Thanks kindly,
Evil Roommate From Hell

Dear Evil,

Glad you like the site.

I don’t see why you moved in with Yvonne in the first place; it sounds like you knew going into the situation that she had a problem with boundaries, but you chose to ignore that or set it aside for whatever reason.But in any case, you live with her now, and you’ve got to deal with it…by not dealing with it anymore.

Here’s what I’d suggest.First, tell her what you just told me.Don’t get mad; don’t accuse her.Just inform her that, if she has issues with you, she can bring them up in a constructive, adult way.No freezing you out.No squalling at you about your personality traits.No more.You’ve had it.

“But that’s not going to help because I’ve tried talking to her about it and she always –” Yeah, yeah, okay, but the point of the conversation isn’t to get her to change her behavior, because she probably won’t.The point of the conversation is to put a ceiling on what you’ll put up with from her, and to shut her down with a flat “I’m sorry you feel that way” the next time she hits that ceiling.

She leans on you, and you let her.She tries to manipulate you, and you go for it.She’s needy, and you permit it.Don’t.It’s not about ignoring her feelings, or avoiding her, or always getting your way.It’s about deciding that you won’t let her dictate the terms of your friendship anymore, because that’s what she’s doing.

And I’d start checking the apartment listings.Good friends don’t always make good roommates.Better to get out now and try to salvage the friendship than to stay there and have both relationships ruined.

[10/24/01]

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