Sars,

(This is in response to your answer to Colleen.)

While I agree that Jeff Weaver was not the best choice for a pitcher, you have to take into consideration the fact that he had just pitched a perfect eleventh. By all accounts he was right on the money with his pitches. All a home run means is that a pitcher throws one bad pitch. It happens to Mussina all the time. He’ll pitch great games, but with two or three mistake pitches, which end up costing the team the game. Why didn’t Stottlemyre put in Mo? Because had Mariano come in in the twelfth, he would have had to pitch a minimum of two innings, even if the Yankees had scored, since they were the visiting team.

Additionally, and I think this is the most significant point, a game is won or lost by the TEAM, not one player. Aaron Boone didn’t win the game for the Yankees last week. He drove in the winning run, in extra innings that would had never happened had it not been for Mussina, Matsui, Williams, Jeter, Posada, Giambi, and Rivera. In the same way, The Yankees would not have lost had they gotten better production from Giambi, Sorriano, Boone, et cetera. In fact, I would more likely blame the hitter who’s struck out 25 times this postseason, or the hitter who missed two identical inside pitches with the bases loaded, than I would the pitcher who gave the Yankees another inning with which to work, and just happened to throw one bad pitch. We all know the name Bill Buckner, but how many of us know that his error didn’t cause the team to lose the series. His error cost them the game, which tied the series. It was Buckner’s team that ultimately lost the series.

Ultimately, while I wanted to yell at Weaver, or yell at Stottlemyre, I remembered that it was the entire team who lost the game. Blame it on chemistry, blame it on a lack of offense, blame it on a poor first inning, even. But to blame the loss on Weaver? That fails to recognize the entire concept of baseball as a team game. I respectfully acknowledge your status as a rabid and loyal fan, with a good decade on me. However, baseball is full of nuances and carefully thought-out coaching decisions. It is a game of inches and sometimes of pure luck. Every single millimeter in the course of the game affects its outcome, but it is when all the lineup decisions, perfect breaking balls, smooth double plays, precision bunts, and that extra burst of running speed comes together, that you truly have a ball game.

Thanks for reading this far,
Yankees Fan Since Birth

Dear Weaver’s Mom,

I’ve only followed the game since 1985; I hadn’t a clue about the team aspect.Thanks for the lecture![Eye-roll.]

Sorry; I don’t mean to pick on you, but…yeah, I know what happened.I watched the game.I also watched the rest of the season, and to tell you the truth, I don’t actually blame Weaver.Yeah, he threw the crap pitch(es) that ended it, so he does have some responsibility here, but really, I blame whoever decided to put him in, because a fetus could have predicted that he’d serve up at least a run or two, because that’s what he did all season.I feel for the guy, with every writer on the team beat psychoanalyzing him all year and whatnot, and he didn’t belong on the postseason roster in the first place, and it’s not his fault that he hadn’t pitched for, like, a month — but on the other hand, it is his fault.He hadn’t pitched in so long for a reason, namely that he doesn’t get guys out.

“But he had a great eleventh inning!”Yeah, he got it done for one inning — but he did that all year too, holding up okay for an inning or two and then falling apart for no discernible reason.He bought them an inning on Wednesday; after that, Stottlemyre should have quit while he was ahead and yanked him.Why?For the same reason you can’t compare Weaver to Mussina in terms of mistake pitches — in a relief situation, you just plain do not have the luxury of waiting for the guy to settle down, especially not in extra innings and especially especially not in the goddamn World Series.Mussina hangs a curve in the second, fine; the team has a chance to make up the deficit over seven innings (which they rarely show him the courtesy of doing, because he gets the crappiest run support on the team, but that’s a different column entirely).Weaver does it in the twelfth, that’s the game.Eventually, Moose will settle down and hold off the opposition, but in extra innings, you don’t have that kind of time — and Weaver doesn’t do “settle down” anyway.Again, I feel for Weaver, but he is a known head case, and bringing him into a World Series game and leaving him there is a demonstrably bad call.(And…does he have naked pictures of Joe Torre or something?I admired Torre’s determination to stick with this kid, up to a point, but that point came and went in July.He can’t get major-league batters out consistently.What is he still doing here?)

Sure, you can blame Wednesday’s loss on a lot of different factors — Soriano’s struggles at the plate, Clemens losing focus early on, the team not releasing Weaver in August and doing him a favor — but the team hauled itself back into it, and could have won it if the bullpen had held the line.The bullpen didn’t hold the line.Whose fault is that?Because it’s someone’s fault.Baseball isn’t a dice game of the gods; the game is won or lost by guys doing their jobs or not.In this case, I think Stottlemyre’s job description had one line, to wit: “Don’t bring in Weaver.”

A couple other notes: I don’t think anyone who follows the game in a serious way thinks Aaron Boone won that Game 7 for us, up to and including Aaron Boone.Grady Little’s inability to pull the trigger on Pedro won it for us.Again, we blame one guy for an entire team’s loss…and it’s a valid place to put that blame.

Same goes for Buckner.Most thinking fans know that his manager put him in at first because the Sox needed his bat in the lineup and couldn’t use the DH at Shea, and that said manager should have yanked him in the late innings in favor of spryer defense.I sympathize with Buckner, but he’d probably made that identical play without incident a hundred times; that time, he bricked.No, it didn’t lose the World Series for Boston; they had another game the next day to work with, and they didn’t get it done.But he did fuck up.

Anyway.I see your point about nuances, but I don’t think it applies here — relief pitching isn’t about nuance.Either you shut the other team down, or you don’t.And I don’t think it applies to Weaver, either; Mussina, sure, the bats don’t rally for him a lot of the time and it’s hard to blame him for his losses when he’s getting a single run to work with.Weaver is not a good case for that argument.He’s fundamentally unreliable; you don’t hand a guy like that the ball in big games.Stottlemyre did.It was asking for trouble.Trouble showed up with a suitcase.End of story.

Hey Sars,

Love the site. Have problem.

I currently live with two girls in a great share-house situation. Other
people have come and gone. Girl 1 has been there the longest, I’ve lived
with Girl 1 for about a year. New Girl moved in about two months ago. Girl
1 is moving out — which makes me very sad, especially since we’ve become
great friends. But it means New Girl and I have to recruit for new blood.
And we’ve hit a snag.

I’ve found a friend who’s keen to move in — let’s call him “Boy.” Boy is
cool. I’ve known him for years, not incredibly well, but well enough that
we add each other onto those mass emails for parties, et cetera. He’s more than
an acquaintance, not a good friend, but a very likeable guy. I think he’d
be fine to live with. We don’t have a massive overlap of friends, but that
could be okay, in that “we need to live with each other but I don’t want to
hang out with you all the time” kind of way.

The problem is that when I mentioned to New Girl that I had a friend
interested in the room, New Girl immediately said something along the lines
of “I’d rather have someone that neither of us know.” I think I should
emphasise that this happened before she met Boy, before she knew that Boy
was in fact, a boy — it’s just a general policy. She’s keen to advertise
for someone on a bulletin board.

To be frank, I find this insane. She has met Boy now, but is still keen to
look wider, even if she’s not immediately ruling him out. I think she’s
worried that me and Boy will be bestest buddies, and she’ll be on the
outside.My view is that it’s always better to go with someone you know
won’t be crazy or steal stuff, whether it’s one of her friends or one of
mine. Having said that — all of myself, Girl 1, and New Girl ended up in
the house through answering advertisements. But I see ads as a last resort
— no one you know needs a place? Then try the classifieds.

I think I need a second opinion on whether New Girl has a point. Or whether
you think there’s something going on here that she doesn’t want to tell me
directly. I thought New Girl liked me fine. I thought New Girl got on with
my friends that she’s met okay. But maybe there’s something else going on
here. And I just feel slightly bewildered that we’ll have to go through
strangers wandering through the house and those godawful interviews of
prospective housemates because — well, why, exactly? Am I wrong to find
this weird?

Thanks for your help,
Flatmate hell

Dear Flat,

I doubt it has anything to do with New Girl not wanting to wind up “on the outside.”I’ve said a number of times in The Vine while mediating housing disputes that the most important element of peaceful coexistence isn’t friendship; it’s harmonious approaches to things like quiet hours, vacuuming, and the disbursement of the last cookie.

It’s often easier to live with someone you didn’t know well, or at all, before he/she moved in — everybody tends to view the arrangement in a more businesslike, less emotional fashion — and that’s probably where New Girl is coming from here.Plus, you’ve said you don’t know Boy all that well — can you absolutely say that Boy isn’t crazy, or a klepto?You never know with people.

She’s agreed to consider Boy, so keep an open mind yourself.It’s better for the two of you to agree on the new roommate.

Dear Sars,

So I have this problem. About six months ago I broke up with a guy who I thought was the love of my life. It was love at first sight, my first and only serious relationship (lasting two years), and encompassed both the best and worst times of my life. He treated me like dirt, I foolishly stuck by him, blah blah blah cry-me-a-river cakes. It ended with me breaking up with him because I could tell he didn’t love me anymore. (I know, I know — clearly I should have dumped his ass a long time ago. But bygones.)

The last six months have consisted mainly of me wallowing and trying to put my life back together. (He has since moved to NYC for graduate school and luckily I’ll never have to see him again.)

Two months ago, I met and have been dating this great guy who is amazing. He treats me fabulously and makes me feel wonderful and is charming and sweet and good-looking and practices good hygiene. Ad nauseam. Ad infinitum. Most importantly, he has dramatically helped me move on and start to forget about the ex.

Things look good, right? Well, no. Our relationship has been perfect except…the sex. He can’t seem to…you know…finish. Ahem. He’s told me repeatedly that he doesn’t need to finish to enjoy the sex, and that he just wants to please me. (Yes, I realize I shouldn’t be complaining.) But half the fun of sex is making the other person feel good, and I don’t want to make him feel self-conscious and hurt by bringing this up the wrong way.

He is also in a fraternity and frequently drinks and smokes pot. I’m pretty sure that the drugs are causing at least part of the problem, but since our relationship is so new, I can’t ask him to quit. I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, so I don’t get what the big deal is. I’ve told him it bothers me that he smokes at all — because he flat-out asked me — and he doesn’t do it around me anymore, but he still smokes almost daily.

I want to bring this problem up to him because it weirds me out that he can’t perform the way I was used to in my last relationship, and I know all guys are different…but the fact that he doesn’t care about having an orgasm really bothers me. Can I bring this up to him in a way that he won’t get really upset and want to not see me anymore?

Any help would be appreciated,
High and Goodbye

Dear Bye,

The booze and pot probably have something to do with it, yes, but it’s interesting to me that 1) you don’t feel comfortable enough to bring it up after two months, and 2) you told him you don’t like it that he smokes pot, but he does it anyway, and you stay with him.It’s not necessarily a deal-breaker for some people, and I don’t mean that you should make it one, but it does suggest that you have trouble asserting yourself.

The next time the two of you have sex, ask him about the lack of climaxing afterwards.Don’t make it an interrogation, and definitely don’t mention your last relationship; just ask him what’s going on there.Tell him that it turns you on when he’s turned on, and that he doesn’t have to hold back for your sake — and if that’s what he’s doing (i.e. it’s not a physical issue), you wish he wouldn’t every time.

No, he doesn’t need to finish to enjoy the sex, but if he never finishes?That sounds like a line to me.I wouldn’t tell him that, necessarily, but I would tell him that you find it disconcerting that he never comes.And seriously, if he does get really upset and break up with you when you try to talk to him, leave him to his frat brothers, because whatever.Adult relationships require adult discussions; if he can’t handle it, better you find out now.

Oh Wise-Beyond-Your-Years Sars,

I have a dilemma.Or, rather, my writing group has a dilemma.You’ve addressed similar problems in the past, and I’m hoping your enlightened outside perspective can help.

One of our group members is prone to verbal diarrhea, more severely than anyone I’ve ever met.At first we all thought, “Nerves.”That was eight months ago.Now we all think, “Shut up,” because it’s grown worse.For every topic, she has a comment, an opinion, a way of making it about her.She repeats herself, tells stories only she finds humorous, and is completely oblivious to the fact that people will physically turn away from her mid-sentence, just to escape.

I honestly feel badly for her.She’s basically a good kid who actually does have interesting views from time to time, but she’s got the social skills of a bull in a china shop.Were this sort of situation to arise in my other circles of friends, someone would either tell her to cool it, or tell whomever had brought her into our circle to do something.But this writing group isn’t like that.

Thus far, other than rolling of eyes behind her back and “sweet holy Moses will she EVER shut UP??” discussions when she’s not around, nothing has been said or done.That’s not right nor fair.She’s negatively affecting the group dynamic, is unaware of it, and something needs to be said.The majority of the interactions the group has occur online (where she’s fine, by the way), and no one is particularly close to her.Therefore, there’s not really any one person we could point to and say, “YOU.Deal with her.”

Do you have any suggestions as to how approach this?Can it be done in such a fashion as to be constructive and gentle, yet effective?I really hate to think we’d wind up scheduling events and deliberately not tell her, but I’m worried that’s where we’re headed.

Thanks a million for your input!

Wanting To Be Kind Without Being Cruel…

Dear Kind,

How you handle it depends on the structure of the writing group.Do you meet to workshop pieces and discuss the process of writing?Because if she’s rambling while everyone else is trying to get work done, the occasional “sorry to interrupt, but we really need to move on” should do it.She might not get the hint, but at least you’ve stemmed the tide of verbiage for the moment.

If the group is more of a social/support network, though, the solution is less clear — or, rather, less appealing, because if you do want her to simmer down, one of you will have to say so.In so many words.I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — if people got hints, I wouldn’t have a column here.

Whoever shoulders the burden should understand that there’s really no good way to tell her that she talks too much.No matter how gently it’s put, she’s going to feel embarrassed, and get defensive.The best way is probably to couch it in terms of other members not feeling like they get a chance to talk, so it’s more about them and less about her; phrase it kind of positively, like “because you have such a forceful personality, some people feel like they can’t express” blah blah blah.

It’s highly likely that you’ll hurt her feelings, and it’s possible that that’s the answer here — that she gets offended, doesn’t hang out anymore, problem solved.But if she’s having a negative impact on the group as a whole, you need to do something.If that something means she stomps off in a huff, well, so be it.

Dear Sars,

This email is completely serious.I’m not trying to pull your leg.

A few nights ago, the guy that I’m seeing came over to my place.We
took a shower together.I washed his back, he washed mine.
Afterwards, I dried him off with my towel.In hindsight, this probably
was not a good idea.I had a fresh towel there for him, but we were in
the moment, and not thinking too clearly.

One or two days later, I found out that he had bronchitis, bilateral
ear infections, and a sore throat.My first thought was, “Oh my God.
Did I do this to him?”My second thought was, “Did my
apartment/bathroom/cat do this to him?”I know it’s insane, but I have
been racked with guilt.

I am a fairly clean and neat person.I take two showers a day (the one
in the morning is more to wake me up than anything else).I’m a bit of
a germaphobe.I hate to touch anything in public restrooms, public
transportation, et cetera.I clean my apartment once a week.I may not be
as thorough as Martha Stewart or Mr. Clean would like, but I try.I
try to get rid of the cat hair, clean the toilet, et cetera.I have to
admit, I’m not religious about scrubbing the shower, but I had just
done that before he came over that night.

I’m feeling perfectly healthy these days, so I haven’t caught
anything.He, however, has been working a heck of a lot of overtime, and was overtired.Perhaps his immune system wasn’t
what it should have been.Or maybe I’m just coming up with reasons to
not to feel guilty.

I’ve been plagued (no pun intended) with thoughts that I have a mutant
strain of mold or spores that I’m immune to since I live here, but that
visitors are not.I’ve had frightening thoughts that I have a scary X-
Files virus or infection living with me, and I don’t even know it.

I haven’t seen my man since that night.He’s been to the doctor, and
was given antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine.He told me that he
hasn’t been this sick in a long time.He’s missed work because of
this.I haven’t been to see him because he’s told me that all he wants
to do is sleep.I don’t know if I’d be any good at being maternal
anyway, but still…and every time I bring up the subject of me or my
apartment/bathroom/cat making him ill, he is mum.

Please help!

Feeling guilty and unclean,
Kit

Dear Kit,

I imagine he’s “mum” because the idea that he caught his bronchitis et al. from your apartment is absurd, and he doesn’t know how to say so.And it is absurd.The problem is not the towel, or you would have caught the creeping crud too.The problem is not spores, or he would have caught the creeping crud long before now.

If you want to bring him over some chicken soup, just do it already and stop spinning neuroses about whether you gave him an ear infection.You didn’t.If he thinks you did, his understanding of how bacterial infection works is as weak as yours.Drop it.

[10/24/03]

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