I had no choice. I’d already tried running Scan Disk in Windows, running Scan Disk in DOS, running Scan Disk on an Amiga, defragging the drive, bellowing the word “NOT!” at the monitor in various …

Stomach: Psst. Hey. Hey, you guys. Psst. You guys, wake up.
Liver: [Mrfflle.]
Stomach: Hey, wake up, you guys!
Liver: Shhhh.
Stomach: You guys?
Lower Intestine: Shhhh!
Stomach: You guuuyyyys…I’m huuuuungry.
Kidneys: SHHHH! God!
Stomach: Well, it’s eleven-thirty, and —
Liver: Dude, shut up. …

I’ll tell you what I really miss, living in New York City. Sure, I miss the sound of a breeze blowing the leaves together on an autumn night, and the elusive three-dollar-and-fifty-cent pint, but right …

Internal Memo
From: Dick Manley, COO, Guy Corporation
To: Customer Service, Sales
Cc: Marketing, Public Relations
For immediate distribution
Just a quick heads-up on the latest round of product recalls, folks. Last month’s union work stoppages continue to take their …

“We just have to get to June.”
“June.”
“Juuuuune.”
“Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuune.”
“How long has May been going on for, now?”
“Two years? Three years?”
“Longer. I think Chevy Chase still had a talk show when May started.”
“I think you’re right.”
“It’s bad.”
“Well, it’s …

I’ve never understood picky eaters. I’ll eat anything — and I mean anything. I’ve always eaten anything and everything, even as a little kid; I knew from reading the comics pages that kids as a …

“Man-made leather” is not leather. It has very little to do with man, or any real “making” as we understand the word. It is not pleather; it is not vinyl; it is not plastic, or …

Sarah: So you just left?
Regina: Yeah.
Sarah: Just grabbed your bag and —
Regina: Hell yeah!
Sarah: No explanation. Nothing.
Regina: Dude. He ordered a girl drink. It’s not like I could stay there.
Sarah: What kind of girl drink?
Regina: …

You could say, “Oh, come on, now,” to the rain as you and Gustave walk to Penn Station. Then you could comment that your hair already looks like a terrifying cross between Willow’s on Buffy …

An entire cottage industry of humor — or, more accurately, “humor” — has sprung up around the following apocryphal sequence of events: woman emerges from dressing room, bathroom, or other outfitting alcove; woman strikes pose …