I bitch about clichés for a living: movie clichés, television clichés, clichés about the supposed differences between men and women. Still, clichés enter the language – and stick around long after we’ve tired of hearing them trotted out – because they describe or represent a universal truth, and none more so than “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” The question of attractiveness is a highly subjective one, and we all have different definitions of beauty. I have what we might charitably describe as strange taste in men, and after suffering enough offended howls of “ewwww, THAT GUY?” and threats to stuff me into the trunk and drive me to the nearest Lenscrafters for a stronger prescription, not to mention the stony silence with which Wing Chun greeted the revelation that I didn’t find David Boreanaz wholly unattractive and in fact cherished a small crush on him, a silence which she followed by announcing that “you are dead to me – DEAD,” an error I compounded by remarking that I had a thing for Scott Glenn, at which point she informed me that “a man old enough to remember the cooling process of the earth’s crust cannot be ‘cute,’ and also, don’t ever call here again” and then the line went dead, and let’s not even get into the time I made the mistake of admitting to Maria Jesús that Brad Pitt didn’t really do it for me, and she grabbed me by the shoulders and demanded, “Are. You. INSANE?” and to tell the truth, I should have seen that coming, given that she did the exact same thing back in high school when she walked up behind me and saw a picture of Mats Wilander hanging in my locker – well, I’ve learned to keep my opinions on the subject to myself. I dare you to find another woman born after 1950 who kissed her teenage pillow and pretended it was Michael Redgrave. No? I didn’t think so.

So I have a few weird predilections in the celebrity-crush department, but at least I genuinely find my crushes attractive . . . unlike, say, certain magazines that compile lists of the foxiest people in the world based on box-office receipts and the say-so of publicists . . . magazines like, say, People, which published its “50 Most Beautiful People In The World” issue over the weekend. I didn’t just tumble off the back of the truck; I understand the complex synergies of entertainment publishing. But People‘s list has as about much to do with beauty, subjectively defined or otherwise, as Keanu Reeves’s work has to do with acting. If you think the editors would have put “Tooth Or Consequences, NM – Population:” Julia Roberts on the cover if Erin Brockovich had tanked, think again. If you think they’d have slumped over their keyboards until the wee hours, wearing out Shift-F7 in search of synonyms for “luminous” and “engaging,” if Roberts didn’t have scrumptious-in-his-own-right Benjamin Bratt as her beau, think again. And if you think I find that barrier-reef rictus of hers anything but terrifying, think again. She’s quite pretty when she keeps her mouth closed, but she’s got more teeth than a comb factory, and the smile scares me.

Slashing my way through a thick underbrush of starry-eyed superlatives and childhood pictures of Whinny The Pooh, I arrived at a picture of George “Luka Kovac Episode One: The Phantom Menace” Clooney. In spite of the recently-aired “Fail Safe” and the forthcoming release of The Perfect Storm, I’ll give People the benefit of the doubt here; Clooney is a fox.

Faith Hill . . . not so much. She’s not ugly, but she’s one of those famous women that has benefited a great deal from the constant attentions of hair and make-up artists. The blurb of Hill quotes a friend of hers as saying that she “‘has flawless skin,'” but based on the picture People ran, we can only tell that Hill has a spatula and a fifty-gallon drum of foundation.

I can take Tom Cruise or leave him. I had a mad crush on him back in the day, in the All The Right Moves era, but The Tooth That Dare Not Speak Its Name got more and more pronounced as time went on, and then I saw Cocktail, which pretty much put an end to that. He’s gotten more attractive lately, as the article points out, but no way is he 5′ 9″, unless they left out a square-root symbol somewhere. Nicole Kidman is my height, and in every picture I’ve ever seen of them, she’s at least a head taller than Tom – even if we subtract for high heels, it’s just not possible. If he’s 5′ 9″, I’m the bloody Colossus of Rhodes, so I guess that in this case, “beautiful” means “minuscule.”

I used to consider Catherine Zeta-Jones beautiful, until she got engaged to Michael “Woodsy The Jowl” Douglas, which killed it for me, and in the picture People chose to run, she’s wearing a clubbing-in-South-Jersey sequined mini-dress and a case of lazy-eye. But I’ll give them this one – she’s beautiful.

Ben Affleck is another guy I can take or leave. He has his moments, but he’s a little beefcake-y for my taste, and he needs to take a dip in Lake VO5. Good smile, bad hair . . . let’s call it a push.

Bo Derek. Huh? She’s nice-looking enough, and fit, but one of the fifty most beautiful in the world? I don’t think so. One of the fifty worst cases of split ends, maybe.

I have no arguments with Denzel Washington. Not one. Beautiful. Plus, I’ll give him extra points for looking a little cheesed out by the whole affair in the picture.

Ordinarily, age makes no difference in whether I find a man attractive, but Freddie Prinze Jr. just looks too young. I can see why the teen mags put him on their covers all the time, but it’s like looking at one of my brother’s friends; I just have a block there mentally. Prinze has a pretty good sense of humor – he gets off a decent quip about his eyebrows looking like Bert from Sesame Street – and I’ll give you “cute,” but “beautiful” is a stretch.

Jude Law is beautiful. I haven’t torn his picture out of any glossies, but he’s beautiful.

I don’t care how many times they tell me she’s beautiful, or pretty, or sexy. Neve Campbell is d) none of the above. See my comments on Faith Hill; Neve isn’t ugly or anything, but she owes her career to judicious use of eyeliner. And let’s distinguish between “unconventional beauty” and “squinty,” shall we?

I’ve never heard of Henry Simmons before, and I don’t have an opinion now that I’ve seen his just-a-little-too-hairy chest. Maybe he looks different on NYPD Blue, but the picture is a little too Playgirl for me to get a foothold on whether he’s beautiful or not – I kept expecting to turn the page and see him wearing nothing but a wristwatch.

And now, from The Department Of Unintentionally Revealing Quotes: “Amanda Peet says that during much of her childhood ‘everybody thought I was a boy.'” Gee, a lot’s changed. Not. I’ve seen less manly hands on pro basketball players. And if El Peet’s dentist happens to read this, here’s a word of advice: if you want to call the steroidal Chiclets you Krazy-glued onto Amanda’s existing front teeth “caps,” go ahead, but if you keep it up you’ll lose your license.

Rob Lowe is a little too beautiful. He looks dissipated in spite of himself, like all aging pretty boys do, but he’s beautiful anyway, I suppose. We wouldn’t see him on the list if The West Wing hadn’t survived, though.

Next to the word “beautiful” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Goran Visnjic. I will not hear debate on this. The man is breathtaking.

If you continue leafing through the dictionary to the word “skanky,” you’ll find Ananda Lewis. The casting call for the lead in Camel Toe stops here, folks.

I’ve never heard of Galen Gering either, although he has a pretty cool name. When I used to intern at American Woman, it fell to me to sort the soap-opera-polling letters, and I couldn’t believe how pornographic the entries got – I had a whole file folder devoted solely to housewives’ anal-sex fantasies about the guy who played Roman on Days Of Our Lives – and I can only imagine the kinds of letters they get about Galen Gering. He’s got that Latin-lover look going on and he has about a million teeth. He’s not my thing, but he’s beautiful.

Nia Long is beautiful. The picture in the issue emphasizes the ingénue in her a little too much, I think, but she’s gorgeous.

Tracy Pollan. I’ve never found her particularly attractive; she’s got a long nose and a short chin, her skin’s a little pocky, and you could cut glass with her jaw. Not to harsh on her overly, but I think the sympathy vote weighed heavily here – except for a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode and a bunch of standing around while paparazzi photographed her husband, what has she done lately? All right, all right. She has good abs, and she did really well in that L&O. But still – too severe-looking. Not beautiful.

An ex-boyfriend of mine hooked up with Amy Holmes back in college, a fact he felt contractually bound to mention every single goddamn time she showed up on Politically Incorrect, so I should probably reserve judgment on her, but that’s never stopped me before. She looks like Lucy from Degrassi – nice-looking, but a little too toothy for “beautiful.”

Cristián de la Fuente. Another cool name, another actor I’ve not heard of, and another “beauty” who just isn’t my thing. Little too much forehead there, in my opinion, but I see their point. Call him “beautiful.”

The next person on the list gets away with “beautiful” on sheer attitude, because I’d like to see T-Boz tone it down a little with the tight pants and the hair-processing, but she’s still a bad-ass.

Rupert Everett is beautiful, yes sirree.

Queen Rania of Jordan is not beautiful, no sirree. I will say in her defense that she’s probably taken far better pictures than the one People ran. And she does have excellent hair. I would kill for hair that thick. Okay, I can’t even tell if she’s beautiful or not from this photo, so it’s a no-decision for Queen Rania.

Yum – Billy Campbell. Yet another one that comes down to personal preference. I think he’s beautiful, in an old-fashioned way.

Michelle Kwan is beautiful.

Jan-Michael Gambill, tennis player and cheese puff, isn’t beautiful. If the Backstreet Boys had a Stu Sutcliffe, it would be Jan-Michael Gambill. Too much bleach on the head, not enough hair on the chest. I just don’t like that gel-monkey look.

Soledad O’Brien is a tough call. I have a pet peeve regarding leather pants: I don’t wear leather pants because I have a beanbaggy ass and they don’t look right, but I absolutely can’t deal with it when other people wear leather pants but they don’t wear them rock-star tight. Like, it’s a pair of LEATHER PANTS. Jim Morrison, people! Jimi Hendrix! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll – in that order! Go hard or go home! If you haven’t had them fitted, there’s no point, frankly, and the whole well-to-do-professional-woman-in-her-thirties-in-leather-slacks look doesn’t cut it. Anyway, Soledad has a pair of leather slacks on in the picture, which works against her, but I guess she’s beautiful, although she’s probably another one who should thank God for the makeup lady.

Ditto Ashley Judd. I don’t see the big deal here. She’s not going to age well, either. I’ll give them “beautiful,” I guess, but grudgingly.

Tina Turner is beautiful. Great smile, great legs. Very sassy. She could wear frumpy leather slacks and make them look good.

I can think of five baseball players on the Yankees alone more beautiful than Scott Erickson. He looks like a Tom’s Of Finland model – not that that’s bad, but I don’t go for super-craggy. He is, however, sporting a pair of rock-star tight red leather pants. Okay, okay, I’m not made of stone. He’s beautiful.

Andie MacDowell is so, so, SO annoying. In theory, she’s beautiful, but in practice, I cannot abide anything about her, and she went to the same dentist as Amanda Peet did for those caps – she can’t even close her mouth. And she really, really, REALLY needs to.

Charlize Theron is beautiful. I covet her haircut in The Devil’s Own; I keep trying to get mine to do that, and it won’t, no matter how far over I part it. It’s weird – I always get her confused with Ashley Judd, but when I look at the two of them in the magazine, I think Charlize is definitely the stand-out.

Ashton Kutcher looks a little too much like a girl, but he’s funny as hell on That ’70s Show, and he can really wear a puka shell – and I don’t say that lightly, because of all the men’s-jewelry trends that have come and gone, the puka-shell necklace is one of the dorkiest, and while I’m on the subject, men of the world, if you have it in mind to don a puka-shell necklace, first ask yourself one question: am I a Cassidy? If your answer is no – if you are neither David nor Shaun – you must put down the puka-shell necklace and let the dream die. No, I don’t care if you live in Hawaii. No, I don’t care if you surf. No, Barry Watson, clones don’t count. Um . . . right, so Ashton Kutcher is beautiful.

“Alison Deans, Financial Analyst”? In the words of the Jerky Boys, “Ehhhhhhh nope! Thank you!”

I have no objection to Heather Graham. I get the feeling that, in five years, she’ll live in the “Where Are They Now” file, but she doesn’t bother me. I’d like her to hand her boyfriend over to me, but whatever – she’s beautiful.

Ming Tsai is a hottie. I love Asian men, and he is particularly cute.

Candice Bergen is still beautiful. I don’t know about the new hair, but it makes her look a lot younger, and I think she’s had some work done on her neck. She looks great. Beautiful, definitely. If you want super-beautiful Candice, rent The Group and fast-forward to the part where a drunk Larry Hagman paws her and makes a bunch of lesbophobic comments while she tries to drive an MG. She’s wearing a turban, for god’s sake, and she still looks great. Plus, it’s so camp you’ll need a canteen.

Oh, (Backstreet) boy – Nick Carter. Not my thing, but he’s the best of that lot. He’s pretty cute. “Beautiful” is pushing it, but out of sheer relief that the editors didn’t select that scary geometrically-facial-haired guy, I’ll give it to him.

Kate Dillon is beautiful. She has a cool tattoo. It’s a really weird picture of her, but I’ve seen her before; she’s lovely. The inclusion of a plus-size model pleases me.

Dylan McDermott is beautiful. If you’ve ever watched Home For The Holidays – a cinematic endurance test at best – you’ll know what I’ve gone through just to see his face. Never seen it? Well, Anne Bancroft nearly took my arm off while chomping everything on the set and the two sets adjacent to it, and Holly Hunter in hair extensions – I’ve sacrificed, people. And it’s worth it. He’s divine. Some people don’t like his new “Dog Boy” hair, but I think it suits him.

Iman is absurdly beautiful. Every morning, Beverly Johnson wakes up and stretches, and she thinks hazily that it might be a good day, and then she remembers: “Dammit! Iman exists!” Kidding. Beverly Johnson is beautiful too, but she’s an idiot, because she dumped Chris Noth. Mmmm, Chris Noth.

What can I say about Ricky Martin? He doesn’t even look human; he looks like a really cute anime character. I get no pheromones off the guy whatsoever. I went through a ten-minute phase when I found him tasty, but then the Biscuit started calling him a cyborg and doing the robot dance every time we heard “Livin’ La Vida Loca” playing, and we heard it a lot, so after that I couldn’t think of him as anything but a cyborg. So he’s beautiful, but in the way that a Ferrari is beautiful.

Blair Underwood is beautiful. He’s not my taste – something about his lips bothers me, I don’t know what – but he’s very attractive.

Shania Twain should work it now before her face cracks and falls right the hell off. Wear the ponyskin, ditch the bra, and shimmy while you still can, girlfriend, because in ten years it’s New Tuck City. Better yet, don’t. Go away. In short, I ain’t buying what Revlon’s selling. She’s not beautiful. She’s cheap.

Brooke Shields has moments when she looks quite masculine, but other moments when she looks stunning. She’s beautiful. Her show stinks, but she’s beautiful.

I’ve never heard of Joshua Bell, the violinist, but he’s quite fetching. Beautiful it is.

Penélope Cruz is beautiful. She’s constructed from Salma Hayek’s DNA, of course, but it’s good DNA.

Matt LeBlanc is not really beautiful, but he’s cute in his way and he’s got great comic timing. He looks like a schlep in this picture, though. It’s a hung jury on Matt LeBlanc.

Hilary Swank is beautiful. I think she’s more beautiful as a boy; I had a big girl-crush on her after seeing Boys Don’t Cry. But she has a nice figure. She can wear clothes well, and she’s slim but not scary and pointy. Good bone structure, including her big teeth, which she wears well. I’d hear arguments against it but I think she’s beautiful.

Okay, so – hey, what’s this, now? No more people? That’s it – that’s the whole list? No Chris Noth? No Famke Janssen? Nobody from The Sopranos? Where’s Edward Norton? Where’s Janeane? Where’s Julianna Margulies? More importantly, where’s Julianna’s boyfriend, Ron Eldard? I know nobody’s ever heard of him, but he’s beautiful. And they couldn’t throw Benjamin Bratt a bone? What about Angie Harmon? Christian Bale belongs on the list. So does Sela Ward, come to think of it, and how about Joshua Jackson? He doesn’t really do it for me, but he’s a lot cuter than the Backstreet Boy. Where’s Ivan Sergei? Where’s Dean Winters? Where’s Noah Wyle? Sandra Bullock has about ten movies out – why didn’t she make the list? Russell Crowe, anyone? Dennis Quaid? Dennis Quaid is as beautiful as a whole day. Josh Hartnett? Chris Klein? Kirsten Dunst? Katie Holmes? Who had final say on the list, anyway – Louis Braille?

Actually, I can think of a lot of annoying non-beauties that didn’t make the list this year, and for that I feel thankful – Britney, for instance, and Christina Aguilera, and Nicolas Cage, who keeps sneaking onto these lists in spite of his disturbing resemblance to a gorilla, and any of the female “Friends” (although I could have lived with Lisa Kudrow), and – shudder – James Van Der Beek. And of course you probably won’t see me on the list any time soon, because nobody cares what I eat (a lot), or what I do for a beauty routine (shower, blow-dry hair, put on Chapstick), and besides, they’d need an airbrush the size of a small pony. Happily, this frees me up to pick nits.

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