When the booze companies tell you to drink responsibly, what they really mean is “don’t drink and drive, and especially don’t drink and drive and then sue us if you wind up with no legs, because we told you not to do that shit, and if you did it anyway, it’s your tough.”

But when the Deadly Nightshade Industries Annex of Learning tells you to drink responsibly, what we really mean is “don’t drink six beers, switch to lemon drops, and expect to end up anywhere except puking into a hedge, because we told you not to do that shit, and if you did it anyway, it’s your tough, and also, you should really know better at your age. And thanks for barfing on my shoes. Not.”

And you should know better. If you can vote, you can remember the last time you drank three quarters of a bottle of port in a single sitting, and you can say to yourself, “Self, that sucked, and I will never ever do it again.” Or maybe you can’t remember that time, which is not a great sign either.

With that in mind, the D-NIAL is proud to present “Drinking: The Master Class.” Designed for everyone from the newly minted 21-year-old to the veteran wine-in-a-box purchaser, “Drinking: The Master Class” covers all the important issues, from the proper sequence of consumption to the correct etiquette for yacking out the window of a moving car. In just eight short weeks, you can learn the ropes or brush up on your skills.

Not sure if D:TMC is for you? Glance over our syllabus. We think you’ll find that, at the Deadly Nightshade Industries Learning Annex, we’ve got you in mind — especially at cocktail hour.

WEEK ONE — Introduction to Drinking
A brief overview of favorite alcoholic beverages. Elementary principles of consumption (“beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, never fear”) and mixology. Carbo-loading. Goggling.

WEEK TWO — Common Pitfalls
Fruity drinks that disguise the taste of alcohol. Drinks with fruit in them that send the alcohol directly into your bloodstream. Champagne on an empty stomach. Gulping martinis to “get them over with” because they taste disgusting, thereby killing the brain cell that holds your name and address. The skunked pint which, because you don’t want to “bother” the bartender, you drink anyway instead of asking for a repour, even though it smells faintly of fish. Giving in to round-of-shots peer pressure. Correct timing of bong hits. Benefits of just going home already when the keg is tapped instead of stupidly switching to bourbon at one in the morning.

WEEK THREE — Intermediate Theories
Chianti, and the boomerang effect often observed after five or six glasses. Links between cheap scotch and intense, relentless pain. When “grabbing a slice” occurs too late in the evening to forestall disaster. Whether a Guinness is a meal. Going out the night before a big event, vowing to “keep it mellow,” failing to “keep it mellow,” weaving home at first light, and enduring the big event while turning every shade at the green end of the spectrum and calling yourself a moron.

WEEK FOUR — Special Occasions
Drinking after not eating all day. Nerves and alcohol. Inability to breathe in formalwear and its effects on your buzz. Operation of high heels after fourth vodka tonic, “light on the tonic.”

WEEK FIVE — Special Occasions II: Seasonal Prudence
Cold weather: Mulled wine; Oktoberfest; polite but firm refusal of eggnog; leaving the office holiday party after no longer than one hour. Warm weather: the booze cruise (comparing symptoms of actual seasickness to those of gin-punch-itis); the Fourth of July, including treatment of pass-out sunburns, designation of sober grillers and firecracker-lighters, and nimble sidestepping of local open-container statutes; white-wine sangria, and the maudlinity and singing which it inevitably inspires; psychological effects of watery ballpark beer.

WEEK SIX — Overindulgence
Insisting that you aren’t “that drunk.” Asserting that you are “faaaaane.” Repeating sentences four or five times against a rising tide of slur. Hearing those around you yelling, “MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!”; needing help up off the ground. Others speaking to you in tones of voice usually reserved for babies who are crying in church; others physically restraining you. Making out with coworkers. Squealing. Weeping; weeping into phone. Pointing a lot. Falling asleep with forehead pressed against door of toilet stall. Mysterious pains. Flashing. Skinny-dipping. Demanding piggyback rides. Deep conversations that go nowhere. Abiding thirst. Going the hell home already before you embarrass yourself any further.

WEEK SEVEN — Overindulgence II: Vomiting
Review of Weeks One through Five in re: vomit prevention. Fighting the spins versus hurling and having done with it. Rolling the car window down prior to barfing out of it. Distinguishing between the helpful belch and The Ominous Precursor Belch of Doom. Whether the circumstances that brought you to this point qualify you for sympathy; requirements of significant others regarding cleanup.

WEEK EIGHT — Overindulgence III: The Road Back
Preemptive strikes: Alka-Seltzer, Advil, B-complex, volume hydration, diner food. When you can reasonably bail on or reschedule plans the next day; deployment of “sick voice” on office voicemail. Hot and cold caffeine delivery systems. Correct application of Bloody Mary or other hair-of-the-dog remedies. Getting through the work day. Napping. Hangover “second winds” and their correlation with digestive function. Claiming not to remember anything, even though nine times out of ten such a claim is complete bullshit intended to void responsibility for getting topless and licking your front door the previous evening. Vowing never to drink again, or to drink a particular brand of alcohol again. (See also: blaming tequila.)

Please join us at the D-NIAL for “Drinking: The Master Class.” Sign up today!

May 10, 2004

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