Sars: Michello!

Miss Alli: Oh my GOD, seriously. SHE IS INSANE.

Sars: I had a few moments last night where I thought, fleetingly, that her whole shtick is a giant put-on. Because who can actually act like that?

Alli: I would certainly like to think so. But I don’t.

Sars: I don’t really either.

Alli: And I really think his desire to raise her daughter is super-creepy.

Sars: SO DO I. “Brielle.” Of COURSE her daughter is named Brielle.

Alli: I know.

Sars: I still struggle to understand how he can even feign an attraction to her. She’s not ugly, but she has those weird brows, she’s not nice, she’s not funny…she seems to have no actual personality traits aside from Want Win Brad Now, which isn’t really a trait itself, even, quite.

Alli: I don’t understand how he has concluded that she’s a great mom. Based on what?

Sars: That Brielle hasn’t died? I don’t get it either. She had some comment about wanting more babies that I found unsettling as well.

Alli: I worry that he kind of wants the insta-family aspect, which is also why he’s over-attached to Emily. Sad, sad Emily.

Sars: And her FANTASTIC shoes!

Alli: That is the truth.

Sars: I really liked those sparkly heels. Would you like to guess what I really did NOT like?

Alli: I am guessing it is someone else’s dress.

Sars: Incorrect! There’s a laundry list, as always, but let’s begin with Lisa’s hair.

Alli: Which one is Lisa?

Sars: Rat’s Nest.

Alli: Oh, sure. (It kind of makes sense now.)

Sars: Something has got to change with that shit. Either flat-iron it or use rollers, but the whole air-dried snarly thing…and she’s still using a Bump-It!

Alli: Well, it’s not going to change. Can I just say that Meghan seemed nice, but that bubble dress was so very unflattering? I thought maybe that was what you were going to say.

Sars: That wasn’t a good choice either. But at least it didn’t put me in mind of that scene in Wet Hot American Summer when Janeane Garofalo has her entire head of hair moussed up and over to one side.

Alli: That is a fair point. Here’s my thing, though: Didn’t last night’s show consist of the same conversation about eighty times in a row?

Sars: I know Brad busted out that skeezy “come here to me, please” line at LEAST three times. Bleah. I’m back to not liking him.

Alli: Well, and it was all “This makes me uncomfortable, please reassure me” followed by kissing. Followed by someone else showing up and doing the same thing.

Sars: That was a VERY interesting scene with the therapist. I was encouraged by Brad basically saying, it’s kind of fucked up that I end up kissing all these women; it makes me uncomfortable.

Alli: Honestly, I forgot who the therapist was, and I was just thinking it was his buddy, and the scene played the same way.

Sars: Then the therapist totally enabled him and was like, there’s no other way, you have to french them all in order to “keep your walls down” or whatever horseshit.

Alli: And no consideration of the mental health of anyone else. No “make sure you’re not leading on anyone you will actually damage.”

Sars: I’m with Meghan: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having A secret or TWO. This part of the season is where I get frustrated, because there’s a chance to actually look at what they’re trying to do, and acknowledge that it’s creepy, but they never do.

Alli: He’s unusually good at making it seem like he’s really, really serious about each individual one.

Sars: And I’m glad that at least HE knows that that is, itself, very weird.

Alli: Interesting to see Ashley H. go over the edge. Weirdo-style.

Sars: I literally could not bear to watch her tiptoeing towards him and Britt while they were making out.

Alli: SO CREEPY. Not that all the making out with multiple people on the same day isn’t, in and of itself, a bit creepy.

Sars: And the recycling of the same mack line.

Alli: It was a pretty barfy week for our Bachelor.

Sars: And for Dr. Drew.

Alli: Seriously, WHAT?

Sars: Brad had a line after that that that grossed me out even more than that actual date.

Alli: Do tell.

Sars: “I’ve never had these women more engaged in me than before now.” [sic]

Alli: Well said, Einstein!

Sars: And the sentiment is oogy, too.

Alli: It is indeed.

Sars: “Dr. Drew forced them to share intimate details on the air, and to throw themselves at me. Awesome!” Yuck. But the best moment for our friend English was, and I quote, “Please be confident of the fact that I am so wildly attracted to the fact that you’re everything that I have not been with in my past.”

Alli: Oh, man. I heard that one, too. That made my dictionary hurt.

Sars: He went on to say that he loves the fact that she’s independent…which he also loved about DeAnna. I’m not even sure who he was talking to at that point. Chantal, maybe?

Alli: I can’t remember. I think it was Chantal.

Sars: The ONE thing I liked besides Emily’s shoes was Stacey going “oh no no no no no! oh God,” when Chantal started crying on the couch. That was cute of her. I like the ones who can remain human beings to each other, at least.

Alli: It really was, and I didn’t blame her, because what a crazypants show that turned into.

Sars: You didn’t blame Chantal, or Stacey?

Alli: I didn’t blame…well, either of them, but I was thinking of Stacey.

Sars: Is Stacey still there? Meghan went home, Orange-Hair Teacher went home…who else? Ma…rissa?

Alli: I think Marissa was the one I didn’t realize existed before LAST week’s rose ceremony, or this week’s rose ceremony either, so yes, I think it was she.

Sars: Hold on, cable interruption, back in 5. …Argh, sorry. Someone is apparently trying to download Shoah on Blu-Ray on my wifi connection.

Alli: I understand. Michelle chewed through your cable.

Sars: So that’s how she got that black eye.

Alli: What the hell? How do you think she really DID get her black eye?

Sars: I’ve gotten weird injuries like that while sleeping before. If she sleeps with a really firm pillow, and the corner jabbed her in the eye during the night? But my fantasy explanation involves Emily stage-whispering “don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” and people’s-elbowing Michelle in the face, but: probably not what happened.

Alli: I am envisioning her poking herself in the eye with a toothbrush for attention.

Sars: Well, we know she didn’t poke herself with an eyebrow tweezer…but I can totally see her Googling where/how to jab herself so that she would get attention and pity, but not look all that ugly.

Alli: Exactly the right amount of bruising!

Sars: Looks bad-ass, but not frumpy!

Alli: Like, I get that she’s hot. I get it. I don’t deny it. But so many of them are hot! Why is he ignoring, like, her entire personality.

Sars: AND HER EYEBROWS. She looks like a Samurai Jack villain! Or Samurai Jack himself.

Alli: She does not have natural-looking eyebrows.

Sars: Yeah, that’s some drag action right there.

Alli: No doubt.

Sars: Oh, Michael. You so crazy.

Alli: When she pantomimes hitting people, I sort of believe her. Sleep with one eye open, Emily!

Sars: Those air punches are pretty convincing, you’re right. I was scared for the stunt guys on that group date.

Alli: What was with Brad in the hot tub? Did he really decide not to give Ashley the rose because she was acting kind of psycho?

Sars: I guess. I totally understood 1) what she was trying to say, and 2) that she didn’t do a good job saying it because she was drunk; I also get that they don’t have the luxury of expressing, or acting on, doubts about involving themselves with a man who is definitely making out with 15 other people. But if I were him, I’d be more likely to keep someone who wasn’t completely given up to the whole process, not less. Like, if you want a wife and a best friend, isn’t that a better bet, to go with someone who’s honest about being weirded out? Aside from going on TV, etc.

Alli: Well, and this is one of the things we liked about her, is that she feels concerned that he’s going to feel forced to pick someone, which is a smarter worry than the “commitment-phobe” thing.

Sars: Didn’t he admit to someone last night that, if he’s not feeling it this time, he will not hesitate to walk away again?

Alli: Well, I think that’s been his argument. I don’t believe him.

Sars: Oh, I don’t either.

Alli: He seemed to be having a really good date with Chantal. But then later, it was like, “WOW, MICHELLE, WANT.” And I was totally baffled. Those are opposite girls.

Sars: And they’re each very different from Emily, who I suspect is giving him a tragedy boner.

Alli: That picnic thing was weird. I agreed with the girls who found that an odd element to introduce into a cocktail party.

Sars: I suspect that Harrison was like, “They’re not freaking out enough. Let’s add some drama.”

Alli: That’s probably true. That guy does seem kind of invisible this season.

Sars: I loved his bitchy narration the last time, but that’s apparently gone now.

Alli: Heh.

Sars: So, yeah. I don’t actually have that much to say; it’s the part of the season where I just want him to cut the hopeless cases already and get on with it.

Alli: Agreed! Cut! Print!

Sars: I did enjoy the shot of the group-date rose sitting on a tray with a bunch of shots, but other than that: enh. Move it along.

Alli: I was glad he let Meghan go. She needs to go think about why she did this, and why she RAN OUT OF THE HOUSE on her little shoes at the end.

Sars: She handled her ouster well. Seemed to get it, wasn’t destroyed by it.

Alli: No, she wasn’t. But she never should have been there. She is not that girl.

Sars: Noooo no no, she’s not. I’m always torn with the Meghans: I like them, because they’re like us, but then, it’s like, what are you doing here? You’re like us! Come hang out with us instead! We’ll introduce you to someone nice!

Alli: Well, and someone who is…not interested in going on The Bachelor.

Sars: My theory about Meghan is that, because she works in fashion, she feels like she doesn’t meet any straight dudes.

Alli: That is certainly a possibility.

Sars: So her friends were like, ha ha, try out for The Bachelor. Maybe I just want to believe that someone, anyone on that show is attempting to game the system.

Alli: I wish. I really wish.

Sars: We should try to get on it sometime, just to report on the process.

Alli: HA HA HA! Yes. Exactly.

Sars: So, any change in your prediction on whom he eventually picks? I found myself wavering last night, but then the picnic appeared, so I’m still betting Emily.

Alli: Well, I’m off of Ashley H. completely. Chantal emerged last night as a possibility. Dark horse, still. I think Emily is looking like a better and better pick.

Sars: It was Chantal who made me wonder if I’d spoken too soon.

Alli: He did have an interesting reaction to her. The whole “I just feel like I’m hanging around in my regular life” reaction can be a powerful one.

Sars: I wouldn’t have a problem with that pick, certainly. She seems sweet. I like other Shawntel better, but I think she might be a little too…centered about this whole thing for his tastes, if that makes any sense.

Alli: Yeah, I think she doesn’t take bullshit, and not in a “you call me out, har har” kind of way.

Sars: Yeah, his reactions in that regard are odd. “I love that you do that” actually means “I’m supposed to love that, but actually it’s not that awesome for me.”

Alli: He says that all the time. He says “And ah love it” after basically every date.

Sars: About every quality you could name. That and “Come here to me, please.” Once: cute. Repeatedly, over two seasons: bad-touchy.

Alli: Well, and with every woman, it’s like, “You’re like nothing ah’ve ever had. And ah love it.”

Sars: “You’re a black man named Tito, and ah love it. Come here to me, please.”

Alli: Yeah. I don’t understand Brad, not that this should surprise me by now.

Sars: I don’t either. And ah don’t love it.

Alli: If Brad met me, he would be like, “You don’t like me or trust me, and you think ah’m kind of a d-bag. AND AH LOVE IT.”

Sars: “Brad, it’s not pronounced ‘repel.’ The word is ‘rappel.'” “Ah love it!”

Alli: “Brad, I’d prefer it if your kissing occasionally involved movement, as if you are fully alive.” “AH LOVE IT!”

Sars: “Stop borrowing my brassieres; your pecs are too big for them.” “Ah love it!”

Alli: What he must love, because he certainly sees it enough, is mascara running. They must not allow waterproof. They just must not allow it.

Sars: I wonder if there’s a bag search when they arrive.

Alli: No waterproof mascara, no Xanax.

Sars: And there’s our exit line!

Alli: Oh, Brad.

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