Sars: Bachello again.

Miss Alli: Bachello!

Sars: I’d just like to say right up front here that I kind of got a little for-real crush on Brad when he called that marshmallow “little buddy.”

Alli: I was watching with Stephen, and we agreed that was the most endearing part of the show.

Sars: The crush evaporated when he gave Michelle a rose, but for a brief shining moment there…

Alli: It seemed SO CLEAR that he was going to be like, “Get lost, Michelle,” after she did her whole “We’re having a fight” thing. When he didn’t, and when he declared that he loved it, I was baffled.

Sars: It has to be a producers’-choice thing with her. It has to be. And did you remember that she had a kid?

Alli: I totally did not. That was horrifying.

Sars: My issue is not that she went on the show when she should be home with the blah blah whatever; there’s an argument to be made there, I suppose, but I don’t have a problem with that. It’s that she’s such a WEIRDO. Like, does she pull that clumsy Bride Of Lurkenstein routine on her child?

Alli: She did that twice. That same thing. Twice! You’re telling me that didn’t turn him off? Whatever.

Sars: I was also a bit puzzled by his volte-face on Ashley. He’s all dismayed that she’s putting up walls (whatever), he just wants her to be comfortable (ditto — like the process allows for that), and then he decides to kiss her and everything’s all rosy between them now? “Ashley’s pulling away from me and I don’t get it.” Uh…she knows you frenched Michelle. How would you feel?

Alli: Well, and I maintain: Ashley H. is my favorite, because she’s the only one whose reaction to the whole “redemption” storyline is to be like, “Uh, I’m afraid you’re going to feel OBLIGATED to pick someone no matter what.” Which is heart-stoppingly logical, by this show’s standards.

Sars: I assume you saw the interview on Reality Blurred in which Brad addressed that. That guy says “I promise you,” like, a lot.

Alli: I bet he does.

Sars: Probably means it, too.

Alli: If only he had successfully made an adequate promise to Fangsy!

Sars: The sad thing is, I agreed with Brad — her decision to bail on it made me like her way more.

Alli: No, I thought so, too. If you know he’s not the guy for you, and you just wanted to be on TV, and you realize some of the girls actually LIKE him, that’s the right thing to do.

Sars: I was irritated with the show for spinning it as though she was jealous of Emily. The one time someone on this show actually has a logical, clearly stated rationale for walking away from it, and they have to turn it into something catty.

Alli: Yeah, agreed. I couldn’t figure out what the mentions of Emily were about.

Sars: By Madison, or by the other girls? Did they assume that she was envious of the solo date Emily got? Because I didn’t get that at all.

Alli: Well, they kept showing Madison talking about Emily, and I couldn’t figure out what the point was. And by the time she left, I still didn’t really think that had much to do with anything, even though I think Emily’s story made her feel sad. I just respected her for walking off the show saying, “You know what? It’s my fault; it might have gone better if I had come in without the fangs and the bullshit.”

Sars: I assumed that she figured, I’m a model with no children, I don’t actually “need” this the way some other women might.

Alli: Hmm, yeah, that too.

Sars: And yeah, I liked how she took out the fangs to talk to him seriously.

Alli: You’d have to, wouldn’t you?

Sars: You’d think.

Alli: What does Brad’s tattoo say, above the cross?

Sars: “Sucker”? I don’t know, let me try to find a photo. …”Prosapia,” apparently the Latin word for family.

Alli: Now I understand why they shoot around it. Nobody would know what it was. Everyone would think it was a band.

Sars: Or “Propecia,” hee.

Alli: I bet that, too. They clearly try not to show it too much, as far as the letters.

Sars: Why wouldn’t he just get “familia,” though?

Alli: God knows.

Sars: (Major nerdery alert!) My recollection is that “prosapia” actually means more like “household staff.” To the dictionary!

Alli: God, if Brad has “household staff” tattooed on his back, I WILL DIE OF JOY.

Sars:…”Stock; race; line.” So more “lineage” than “nuclear family.”

Alli: Hmm. So it’s the symbol of Womackiana.

Sars: As tats go, that one’s okay. At least it’s not misspelled.

Alli: Oh, it could be much worse, certainly. I don’t like it when Brad makes me think he’s not a terrible person, though.

Sars: I’ve never thought he’s a terrible person, but I also do not enjoy being actively charmed. Don’t talk to snack food, Brad. It’s Buntnip, and we can’t have that.

Alli: Right? I have this problem also. Now and then, he’s likable, and it really bugs me.

Sars: Right before that, Emily told her tale, and he looked positively stricken. Exactly the right response, Brad! STOP THAT. Be more of a dick! Give someone a purple nurple! Help us out here!

Alli: When she said she found out she was pregnant and had a kid, and he asked if it was a boy or a girl, Stephen and I had the EXACT same reaction, which was, “That is exactly, exactly the right thing to ask, though it’s hard to say exactly why.”

Sars: Same with me!

Alli: It expresses curiosity, it clarifies you’re not horrified, it gives her something incredibly easy to say next…

Sars: It’s you, making the story meaningful to yourself and sharing it, somehow.

Alli: Right. “I want to stay in this story.”

Sars: So he can just stop that shit right now.

Alli: Yeah, he really can.

Sars: So, do you have a favorite right now? I still think it’s Emily in the end, but my favorite is…dammit, who’s the Seal date girl? Is she an Ashley also?

Alli: Seal Date Girl is the other Ashley. S, I think? I actually think he’s going to pick wee Ashley from the carnival date, though I also think he’s pretty hot for Shawntel, who was the action-movie person.

Sars: He likes an active lady, that’s true. So you’re changing your mind that it’s Emily in the end? You think it’s Dentist Ashley?

Alli: I’m not sure. Could be Emily, could be Dentist Ashley, could be Other Ashley. I think those are the three possibilities.

Sars: Well, we SHOULD have bet on whether Sarah or Alli would last longer, but now Sarah is gone.

Alli: Damn! That is true. Alli was one of the ones who got jockblocked by Michelle last night.

Sars: I like her! I noticed that she and Sarah both had cocktail dresses with pockets on at the party. My people!

Alli: I like her, too. She has trouble getting Brad’s attention, though.

Sars: Well: Michelle.

Alli: Very true.

Sars: Boxblockade!

Alli: True.

Sars: But other than Michelle, and the singing, which I just have a thing about that it makes me uncomfortable, that episode actually didn’t make me want to kill myself last night.

Alli: No, it was…slightly fun. But the singing was REALLY shocking. No matter which of them I listened to, I couldn’t figure out what key it was supposed to be in.

Sars: That cut to the producer resting his head on his arms was pretty funny, too. STOP IT, SHOW. …Although, when I think about it, obviously the producers knew this story about Not-Dentist Ashley and her dad, and deliberately put her in that situation…AND made Emily get on a teeny plane. Which is gratuitous and cold.

Alli: Did it make sense to you that Non-Dentist Ashley shared that song with her dad? That seemed weird.

Sars: A little? But then again, my mother and I are strongly bonded over “Soldier Boy.” It’s probably just one of those family things that makes no sense to civilians.

Alli: No, that’s true. My mother and I really like Mythbusters. …There were one or two at the end, even still, that we have no idea who they are.

Sars: Yep. “There’s a Kimberly?” And yet Rat’s Nest endures. Honey, get a mirror and LOOK IN IT. At the BACK, too. GOD.

Alli: There was one in a red dress with reddish hair? That we were like, “Who is that?”

Sars: Lisa? Melissa? For a two-hour show, it sure cuts out a lot of key conversations.

Alli: It really does. Like, “Hi, I’m Brad.” “Hi, I’m [whoever I am].”

Sars: “How are you enjoying your time on The Bachelor?” “…Wait, this isn’t the Wipeout set? Shit, I need to call a cab.”

Alli: There was a great moment last night, when Brad said something to a girl about how he didn’t just like her for what’s on the outside, but for “who you are.” Stephen finished his sentence, “Which I believe is…’Chantal’?”

Sars: Hee. “A Chantal of some…kind?”

Alli: There are still multiple Chantal/Shawntels!

Sars: It’s a pretty interesting insight into naming trends, that’s for sure. Send this season back in time 12-15 years, and even after eliminating two Sarahs, he’d still have at least six left. And twelve Jennifers, and a Stephanie.

Alli: It’s true. Who knew Shawntel was a name?

Sars: It sounds like a hotel chain for cougars. “Shawntel: a great place to get some rowwwrrrest!”

Alli: Wow, that is SO true.

Sars: Cutting the ribbon on the flagship property: Emily, who is probably 24 tops, but is wearing so much makeup that she looks ten years older. Not so much blush, presumptive winner!

Alli: Well, and she could use the good cheer of winning. And of a blush makeover.

Sars: She really doesn’t need it, either. All that teal and candy pink, eugh.

Alli: I thought it was funny, the one (er, Meghan?) who was like, “Well, you want to hate her, but she’s really nice, so.”

Sars: That was pretty funny. I like Meghan. And I suspect she’s got no shot, because she’s…real-looking. But I thought that about Jenni last time, so.

Alli: She’s very normal-looking. Very. I guess you never know, but I maintain that she is not one of the three or four who are really in the race.

Sars: If she doesn’t get serious one-on-one-date screentime in the first half hour next week, she’s toast.

Alli: Right, totally. There’s a whole haul of them who are clearly not in it, and it’s hard to believe there are still fourteen left. One thing we were talking about is how different the world of kissing is than it used to be. He kisses everyone!

Sars: I was wondering last night if the kissing had started this early on in his last season. I don’t feel like it did. The kissing remains weird, too — what’s. With. The long. Motionless. Pauses?

Alli: Yeah, it wasn’t as bad as the kisses last week, but there’s still a lot of kisses like they’re posing for a photo with a really long exposure.

Sars: And in a way, they are.

Alli: So true!

Sars: Well, I can’t think of anything else. I hope the show makes me splutter with rage again next week because this feeling of VERY slight, VERY faint fondness for a majority of the participants is unnerving.

Alli: I KNOW. This is what happened last time! I didn’t totally hate Brad! We can’t let this happen again.

Sars: I’m sure Michelle will do something hideous next week and restore our cynical detachment.

Alli: We can hope.

Tags:   Andy Dehnart   Brad Womack   Bradelor! DUN!   Buntnip   earwigs   hairdon'ts   Miss Alli   nerdery   parenting gone horribly awry   Seal   Stephen Thompson   try-hards   TV