We apologize for our tardiness in bringing you this week’s episode of Bradelor! DUN! We’re busy people…who, if we may speak frankly, didn’t have much to say about the latest Michelle-nanigans. Because what can you say?

I will say this: Miss Alli is Linda Holmes, and you can find her at NPR’s Monkey See blog. I’m Sarah D. Bunting, and I’d like to throw Michelle out a window like a pair of pickled limes. Together, we’re Bradelor! DUN! And yes, that is chicken.

Miss Alli: DUN!

Sars: Well…more like “Du…un?”, this week. Although I think Emily is not the pony to bet anymore, but that’s kind of all I got out of the episode.

Alli: I think they’re setting up that Michelle’s days are numbered.

Sars: Did they really need to set that up? Are they under the impression that anyone DOESN’T think she’s still there thanks to the producers?

Alli: Well, I guess I just mean her demise is closer at hand? But of course, you are right.

Sars: Maybe “America” isn’t as cynical as we are.

Alli: What made you change course on Emily?

Sars: I’m getting the impression that Brad is starting to feel impatient with her cautiousness.

Alli: Yeah. I think he still really likes her, but I do think that if you’re going to look for a guy to handle your complex, lengthy process of healing, that guy may not be Bradelor Womack.

Sars: I think he realizes the same thing. But I also think that his impatience with all of them, vis-a-vis being weirded out by the process, is unwarranted.

Alli: No, sure. I mean, the process is stupid, but they signed on for it, but that doesn’t make it not stupid and weird.

Sars: And if he’s that eager to find a wife, he should be able to talk about these things with them without getting all bent that they’re not happy. Not that I’m the marriage expert over here, but I really think he thinks that it’s all standing around in the kitchen playing grab-ass and eating salad? And it’s annoying.

Alli: Especially with the one where he’s toying with parenting her child. Sorry, the ONES.

Sars: And yet, it’s Jackie who goes home, and can I just say…you gotta boot more than one at a time. Oh, wait — Alli is gone also! We’re both eliminated! You hung on a while!

Alli: That was a weird one. I get that they have no chemistry, but I don’t know why he only figured that out now.

Sars: That was so cringey. “Is this chicken?” Oh, honey.

Alli: Yeah. Alli: “I just think you’re great and I feel sooooo close to you!” Brad: “Mmmm, about that.”

Sars: At least she got it on the first version of the conversation. Remember Hillary? But I kind of wonder what the ones he does have chemistry with find to talk about. It seems like they have three topics: each other; the situation; the date they’re on.

Alli: That is very true. I mean, I don’t know how much more Brad has to talk about. Therapy?

Sars: It was nice to get a vacation from Dr. Jamie. Or, as he’s actually known, Jamie.

Alli: Yeah. That guy…I have to think his business card has a lot of scare quotes.

Sars: And that he has two sets. The other one is for his pool-cleaning business.

Alli: I was thinking erotic massage.

Sars: GROSS!

Alli: He would massage you and also tell you that you just have to worry about your journey.

Sars: Ohhhhh, that’s gross.

Alli: It really is.

Sars: Probably totally true, too.

Alli: I kind of couldn’t believe Jackie stayed that long. It was like, “Wait, is she still there?”

Sars: Britt, too. Why keep one and not the other? And hey, why not, ohhhh, I don’t know, GET RID OF MICHELLE.

Alli: When she came to his room, I seriously thought she might eat him, and not in the sexy way.

Sars: Now here’s my question. The producers obviously suggested that she go. They deliberately lit the scene as though it was spontaneous, but it wasn’t. Do you think HE was in on it? Because he looked genuinely scared of her.

Alli: That’s a great question. I’m not sure he’s smart enough to ask, “What are you doin’?” in the way I seem to remember, if he knew the whole time.

Sars: Because it seemed to me like, when she was being so high-maintenance at the zipline (…? I think), he was already kind of over it with her. And then…that. And then she’s still there!

Alli: That zipline might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen on The Bachelor. And think about what that means.

Sars: I thought it looked fun, but you know me and ziplines. And pneumatic tubes. Maybe they’ll go through a pneumatic tube next week!

Alli: Well, I mean her whole “we vowed we would only repel [sic] together.”

Sars: …Right. That was ridiculous. And then he’s like, and here the two of us are, by ourselves, FREAK, so calm down.

Alli: Like, what was he supposed to tell the producers? “I REFUSE!”

Sars: He should have winched himself back up the minute she started down, and run for the bar. That’s what I basically did while watching it. …”Repelling.” That’s what you’re doing, all right.

Alli: Seriously, she is so stupid. She’s not even an interesting villain. She’s just a dope.

Sars: Here’s another question: if he had ditched her this week, do you think you’d be super-bored going forward?

Alli: I’m not that un-bored anyway. But…maybe?

Sars: Sorry, “MORE super-bored.” Because I don’t think his previous season needed Bettina…but I’m afraid this one might need Michelle.

Alli: I don’t know. I feel like they just gave him too many women who are all alike.

Sars: I’m starting to worry about Chantal.

Alli: She cries a lot.

Sars: Looks like next week is going to be a nonstop tearfest for her, too. It’s particularly cruel that they make them have these meep-and-deaningfuls in bikinis.

Alli: If they get married, her vows are going to be, “I am soooooooo drunk.”

Sars: She does have that glassy aspect.

Alli: She does.

Sars: That conversation where she went to the love place…[shudder].

Alli: Oh, and then took it back? Yeah.

Sars: Oh, Chantal.

Alli: My question was why he didn’t let her take it back. She’s drunk! Let her take it back! Pretend it never happened! Sometimes that’s okay!

Sars: You’re just going to send her home anyway, who cares! Be a gentleman.

Alli: HA HA HA! Good one.

Sars: Well, he seems pretty focused on projecting that image…even though apparently he proposed to someone else like two minutes before going back on the show.

Alli: Apparently so! The scandal.

Sars: I…don’t have much else to add, honestly. This episode was dull, despite Michelle’s best efforts.

Alli: It really was. I concur. I have little to add.

Sars: Let’s both pray for a multi-punt episode next week.

Alli: Man, seriously. GO MICHELLE GO, SERIOUSLY RIGHT NOW.

Sars: It’s got to be next week. It’s got to be!

Alli: PLEASE.

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