Welcome to The CHiPs Drinking Game, which I have compiled for the simple reason that, if Tempus and I have to suffer, so do you. And besides, if you’re up at four in the morning watching these reruns, there’s no reason not to drink too.

The look of non-love

Jon has what looks like a perm that is confined to a two-inch-square section of his head: 1 drink
The ineffable brilliance of Ponch’s three thousand teeth slams you into the back of the couch, arms thrown over your face, corneas hissing like a hot frying pan: 1 drink
It’s an endless Police Squad-style freeze-frame shot from which the violently yellow credits offer no relief: 2 drinks

A zombie gopher fell from a very tall building onto Bobby Nelson’s head: 1 drink, but make it a small one, because that gopher has a SAG card

Your eye is inexplicably drawn to Ponch’s package: 1 drink
Ponch’s package is, to your eye, sizable. Like, remarkably sizable, to the point where it looks like it’s buttressed by a scaffold of some sort: 1 drink
And in fact entered the current scene several minutes ahead of the rest of Ponch: 2 drinks
You pause the episode to compare Ponch’s package to the package(s) of any other guy(s) in the shot while bellowing, “Dude, look at that — I mean, LOOK at that!”: 2 drinks

Ponch is kitted out in civilian clothes borrowed from Mr. Furley: 1 drink
And doing the hustle: 2 drinks
While flashing The Teeth: don sunglasses, finish it off

Ponch looks better in a flashback devoted to his lawless drag-racing days than he does now: 1 drink
In spite of the fact that the hair wrangler dropped a bowl of black linguine on his head: 1 drink
Ponch doesn’t look nearly as good in dolphin shorts as he thinks he does: 2 drinks
Of course, it would help if he left his damn shirt on…but he didn’t: make it a double, bartender

Reality checks

Ponch and Jon interact with their bikes in the manner of a six-year-old girl: 1 drink
Ponch and Jon have trouble removing their helmets and delivering lines at the same time: 1 drink
Either of them has helmet-head, ever: not going to happen, so…social!

Ponch and Jon conduct a conversation in normal speaking voices while riding their noisy motorcycles on the noisy freeway: 1 drink
With a helicopter overhead: 2 drinks
You can see the trailer pulling them in the shot: 2 drinks
Really slowly…an extra pushing his stalled-out Eagle just passed them on the left: 2 drinks

Ponch or Jon takes a header off the bike: 1 drink
It’s actually Ponch who takes the header for a change, because Larry Wilcox lost a record 451 coin tosses in a row: 3 drinks

Okay, so…Jon takes a header off the bike that is accorded The Gravely Serious Stunt-Double Slo-Mo Of Daaaamn, That’s Going To Leave A Mark as he somersaults through the air, pitches headlong into a Pinto, shoots out the other side, skids along the shoulder of the road through an inch of broken glass, dirty needles, and nuclear waste, bounces off the divider, lands on a VW van full of live chickens, cocaine, and loaded pistols, and ignites it: 1 drink
Jon then gets up and brushes exactly one molecule of lint off his uniform while announcing that he’s fine, despite the presence of the guy picking up his stunt double with a sponge in the background: 1 drink
Jon actually winds up in the hospital: chug that puppy

Ponch and Jon stop for lunch: 1 drink
Ponch and Jon order a lunch item obviously destined to give them diarrhea: 1 drink
Getraer saves them from a Montezuma fate by ordering them to a crime scene over the radio before they can start eating: 2 drinks
Ponch gets all crabby about it, like, hi, eat on your own time or learn your way around a pita, princess: 2 drinks

Ponch and Jon pull someone over after a ten-minute freeway chase that causes a twenty-eight-car-and-one-glue-truck pile-up, then let the person off with a warning: 1 drink
That person is not a busty woman with a blowjob mouth: yeah, good one. 2 drinks

A runaway vehicle has shot brakes: 1 drink
A runaway vehicle’s driver had a heart attack: 1 drink
A runaway vehicle is stolen: 2 drinks
A runaway vehicle is carrying two blondes and on fire due to the injudicious over-the-balcony pitching of barbecue coals: 2 drinks
A runaway vehicle is a dune buggy, a sailboat, a skateboard, or any other non-car form of transport: 2 drinks
A runaway vehicle used in a kidnapping is not a tricked-out Econoline: 3 drinks

A car crashes into another car: 1 drink
A car crashes into another car and rolls over twice, even though it only nicked the fender: 2 drinks
A car “careens” down a “steep” embankment at five miles per hour, then explodes: 2 drinks
The occupant of the recently exploded car walks away with only a cosmetic smudge of make-up department soot on his/her forehead and a couple of little Camille-esque coughs: 2 drinks

Obvious night/day continuity issues: 1 drink
In the “same” scene: 2 drinks

People-pleasing

Ponch befriends a kid: 1 drink
Ponch turns a kid around: 1 drink
Ponch befriends the kid’s mom or older sister, and turns her around, if you know what I mean, and alas, I believe you do: 2 drinks

Ponch befriends and turns around an entire group of kids: 1 drink
At least one of the kids is pushing forty and/or wearing a ridiculous beret: 2 drinks

Ponch befriends a kid who swears she’s seeing alien ships: 1 drink
Ponch serves as a temporary foster parent to the alien-ship kid: 1 drink and a phone call to Child Protective Services
Ponch tucks the alien-ship kid into bed: 1 drink for every inch of flesh that crawls; 1 drink for every stuffed animal in the shot that Ponch already has in his apartment, for no good reason that you can think of, ew ew ew put The Teeth AWAY

Ponch hits on a woman: the tiniest sip you can possibly take. Just wet your lips. Really.
Ponch starts going out with the woman: 1 drink
Ponch makes a major adjustment in order to go out with the woman, like learning a new language or converting to Judaism: 2 drinks
No, he didn’t really convert to Judaism: 2 drinks if you believed me, but if the show had stayed on the air another season I bet we would have seen that…and guest star Sammy Davis Jr. for good measure
You never hear about the woman again, even though she died in Ponch’s arms while burbling through a mouthful of blood about their honeymoon after getting hit by a car: I know, right? 3 drinks

Jon hits on a girl: never happens, but what the hell, 1 drink
A girl hits on Jon: 1 drink
The girl is not a member of the medical profession: 2 drinks

Jon is all business-like and “excuse me, ma’am?” about it: 1 drink
Ponch rolls his eyes and hits on the girl FOR Jon: 1 drink
That shit actually works: 2 drinks

Jon and the girl go out on a date: 1 drink
To a supposedly “fancy” restaurant that actually looks like a cross between Shoney’s and Medieval Times: 2 drinks
With Ponch and HIS date: 2 drinks

At the end of the date, right before they kiss, Jon yanks Ponch in front of him and Ponch kisses the girl FOR Jon: 1 drink
That didn’t happen either: 1 drink if you believed me
Right before they kiss, Jon yanks Ponch in front of him and kisses Ponch: oh, if only. Sorry, folks. But hey, it’s always a good time for a social, so…social!
Okay, okay, seriously. Jon kisses the girl all by himself like big boy, but it looks more like he’s wrangling a forty-pound bag of mulch up a rickety flight of stairs: 1 drink
“I can’t believe I used to have a crush on that guy”: 2 drinks

What’s that? Oh, all right. Jon and Ponch share an And Then…They Kissed Look: 1 drink
Jon and Ponch share a Larry Wilcox Hates Erik Estrada So Much That You Can See An Artery Pulsing In His Forehead Look: 1 drink
The AT…TK Look and The LWHEESMTYCSAAPIHF Look are the same look: 3 drinks

Ponch and/or Jon befriends an animal: 1 drink
The animal takes a shine to another member of the force: 1 drink
The animal is not a dog that looks like a poor man’s Benji: 3 drinks

Ponch and/or Jon befriends a senior citizen: 1 drink
The senior citizen makes eyes at Ponch and/or Jon: 2 drinks
The senior citizen is not a “crazy old coot” who imparts great wisdom to Ponch and/or Jon: 3 drinks
The senior citizen is famous for appearing on Gilligan’s Island: I’ll get you, my Lovey, and your little dog, too! 5 drinks

Signs of the times

A pre-1970 car that’s in perfect condition: 1 drink
A dated cultural reference that you have to think for a minute before you get it: 1 drink
It’s an E.T. reference: 1 drink
It’s a roller derby reference: 2 drinks
It’s a “no nukes” reference: 2 drinks
It’s an “answering service” reference: 2 drinks
It’s sexist: 2 drinks
Hey, remember when kids actually loitered around video arcades and got up to no good? Me neither: 2 drinks
How about the whole Valley Girl thing? Remember that?: oy. 2 drinks

And speaking of alien sightings…

Worf: 1 drink
You bet your boyfriend a dollar that it’s totally not Worf, you look it up, it totally is Worf, and you act really ungraceful about having it wrong even though, seriously, who cares: 2 drinks

Bruce Jenner: 1 drink
Any other retired athlete: 1 drink
The faint but unmistakable sound of Jim Brown’s acting coach crying hysterically: 2 drinks

Robbie Rist: 1 drink
Robbie Rist again: 1 drink
Aaaaand again: 1 drink
“He’s Grossman’s cousin now?”: 1 drink
“He’s Grossman’s cousin ON ACID now?”: yeah, tell me about it. 2 drinks
Any other former Brady in the same episode as a former Partridge: 2 drinks
Danny Bonaduce, alone or in conjunction with a Brady, prompts a shoe to fly towards the television set: 2 drinks
Any other former or future child star, of any kind: 2 drinks
Who is now dead: 3 drinks

The Eight Is Enough cast, en masse: 1 drink
Any Wayans: 1 drink
Any Knievel: 2 drinks
“I love it when a plan comes together”: 2 drinks
“Ooh! Ooh! Mistuh Kottah, Mistuh Kottah! Ooh!”: 2 drinks
“Heeeeeere’s Johnny!”: 2 drinks
Oh, Leif Garrett. First you paralyze your friend in a car wreck, and now…roller-skating? GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF, MAN!: 3 drinks

Phyllis Diller: 1 drink
Ruth Buzzi: 1 drink
Dr. Joyce Brothers: 1 drink
Michelle Pfeiffer. Yes, “that Michelle Pfeiffer”: 2 drinks
Ponch’s cheesy-ass gold Trans-Am: 3 drinks
A jet-pack: mmm, cirrhosis! Finish it

Moon Unit Zappa: 1 drink
Any other then-current music “star”: 2 drinks

Heather Locklear: 1 drink
Any other actor who later turned up on a soap opera: 2 drinks

Any actor who later turned up in a horror-movie franchise: 1 drink
Any actor who later turned up in a horror-movie franchise, got murdered, and inflicted her fame-whore true-crime-columnist father on the rest of us as a result. Yeah, THANKS, Dominique! [urp]: 2 drinks

Any actor who later turned up in Dazed & Confused: 1 drink
Any actor who later turned up on Night Court (might want to pace yourself on this one): 2 drinks
Seinfeld’s father: 3 drinks
Donna Martin’s mother: 3 drinks
Scott Baio’s mother on Charles In Charge, playing Robbie Rist’s mother: bottoms up
Edward James Olmos: break bottle over head, wait for death
Reeeeeege!: death is coming soon…soon…
But not soon enough, because the thing is? Chuck Woolery. I know. I’m sorry.: open next bottle while calling death’s cell phone and drumming fingers

Juuust in case you don’t have alcohol poisoning yet…

Ponch and Jon play “good cop, bad cop”: 1 drink
Jon ever gets to play good cop: 2 drinks
Jon ever gets to do The Hotheaded Thing instead of The Rueful Head-Shaking Reaction Two-Shot Thing: 10 drinks

Ponch and Jon ride jet-skis: 1 drink

Grossman is Pointedly Wacky: 1 drink
He’s still your favorite character: yeah, mine too. Still, 2 drinks
Doesn’t mean I need to see him in a bathing suit, though: 3 drinks, niiiice big ones

Harlan gets teased about his diminutive stature: 1 drink
By Ponch, who is maybe five foot seven if he leaves the boots on: 2 drinks

Getraer tries to act mean: 1 drink
Anyone, anywhere takes it seriously: 2 drinks
Oh, wait, there’s that big guy who literally picked up a car and moved it like in that Mentos ad so that he could get a parking space, and it did look like Getraer would have kicked his ass if he’d had to: he did face the guy down, but the man has a bowl haircut, so…bottoms up

Oh, Very Special Holiday-Themed Episode. Please go away: 1 drink
You too, theremin. No, seriously. Go away: 1 drink
That’s not…ohhhh, that’s a Santa hat. For fuck’s sake: 1 drink

One of the PSA signs hanging up at CHP HQ is given pride of place in the shot, even though presumably a police officer already knows that he should wear a seatbelt: 1 drink
A chalkboard announcement in the briefing room is given pride of place in the shot, even though it makes no sense: 1 drink
A running donut “joke” becomes a subplot: 2 drinks

Shouts of “oh, oh, it’s, it’s THAT guy!” accompanied by frustrated finger-snapping and a dash to the IMDb: 1 drink

You can tell which season the episode is from based on the proportion of rhumba horns in the theme song: 1 drink
You get into an argument with your boyfriend about which version of the theme song is better: the rhumba-horns version, or the Casio-keyboard disco version: 2 drinks
You side with the Casio-keyboard disco version…and lose: 3 drinks

Any utterance of “Seven Mary Three”: 1 drink. Hee.

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