Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: Oh, hello.

Wing Chun: Oh, dear.

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: Well, that isn’t a “we haven’t spoken in the phone in a while” “oh, hello.”

Sarah: No, no, it isn’t.

Wing Chun: That is a “guess who’s getting a pink Schwinn” “oh, hello.”

Sarah: Yes. Yes, it is.

Wing Chun: Who’s getting a pink Schwinn?

Sarah: Guess.

Wing Chun: Cos.

Sarah: Oh, God. No. Well, yes, but that’s not who I had in mind. Although, since we’re on the subject…

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: Look, one of us has to say it.

Sarah: Oh, I know.

Wing Chun: …And I guess it’s me. “Dad is great! Puts roofies in the chocolate cake!”

Sarah: Huh.

Wing Chun: Come on, you don’t remember that routine?

Sarah: No, sure, I’ve seen it a dozen times. I just…wasn’t going that way with it.

Wing Chun: Really? I thought we were thinking of the same thing.

Sarah: We…weren’t.

Wing Chun: And you…were thinking…

Sarah: …Dude, seriously? Leave it.

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: Okay, but you asked for it: Now I see Jell-O Pudding Pops in a whole new —

Wing Chun: Whoaaahhhhhhh-kay that’ll do.

Sarah: Yeah, told you.

Wing Chun: That is disgusting.

Sarah: I told you!

Wing Chun: No, I know, I meant that I get the feeling he…probably actually said that, or something like that, to this woman.

Sarah: Well, if he’s at the point where he’s drugging people and fondling them —

Wing Chun: Exactly. It’s not like he’s going to stop himself all, “I can’t refer to Pudding Pops, it’s too cheesy.”

Sarah: Right. I really don’t get…do you think there’s some sort of equation for the point at which famous people stop operating within our reality?

Wing Chun: What, like “years of fame times annual income divided by friends that aren’t famous also” or something?

Sarah: Yeah, “minus times I’ve taken out the trash myself since age 25” — like that. To calculate the point at which a famous person’s concept of “appropriate” starts to be entirely, like, secondhand? Because I just do not understand how…I just don’t understand.

Wing Chun: I don’t either. Any of it. Never mind wrong, which it is — “allegedly,” whatever — it’s just so dumb on so many levels.

Sarah: Ex-aaaaactly. He’s Bill Cosby, for God’s sake — okay, he’s not the youngest guy, but if he’s going to cheat on his wife with a woman half his age in the first place…you’re telling me he can’t find a willing participant?

Wing Chun: I’ve never understood that about this kind of thing no matter who it involves. Why on earth would you want to sleep with someone that you have to force?

Sarah: Or trick into doing it, I know — and when you’re famous? Come on. There is going to be someone who will sleep with you just for that. Okay, it’s kind of sad, maybe, but at least you won’t have to bust out the sedatives and commit a felony.

Wing Chun: Also, not that this is a mental image we want to associate with Dr. Huxtable, but — masturbation, Bill. Look into it.

Sarah: Better that mental image than the one of him chasing this poor gorked-out woman up and down the halls of his mansion in his girls’ bike and trying to pedal with his pants around his ankles. I mean…damn. You’re America’s favorite dad, hoss. Get a grip on yourself.

Wing Chun: Talk about a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

Sarah: Seriously. That poor woman. “I Spy your HAND on my BOOB.”

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: Yes?

Wing Chun: Nothing.

Sarah: Come on, let’s hear it.

Wing Chun: I…no.

Sarah: I totally know what you’re thinking so you may as well just say it.

Wing Chun: Why don’t you say what you think I’m thinking.

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: Even if it isn’t what I’m thinking, it can’t be grosser than mine. Cannot.

Sarah: I would challenge that assertion.

Wing Chun: Challenge accepted.

Sarah: Okay. Does it involve the whipping out of Little Bill and the utterance of “Hey hey hey, it’s Faaaaaaat Albert”?

Wing Chun: …Yes.

Sarah: We are revolting, horrible people.

Wing Chun: We really are.

Sarah: God.

Wing Chun: Hey, Bill Cosby drove us to it.

Sarah: Yeah! Shut up, Bill Cosby!

Wing Chun: Really. Anyway. Who were you going to say?

Sarah: Who was I…oh, yeah. Have you read Pop Culture Junk Mail today?

Wing Chun: I have not. Hold on.

Sarah: You might have to scroll down a bit.

Wing Chun: Jive talkin’…lyrics of the week…rock-star name?

Sarah: No, below that.

Wing Chun: My rock-star name is “Drew Hannibal”? What the hell?

Sarah: I hate those name-generator things, ever since I went to a Star Wars one and it kept giving me an Ewok name I’ve totally hated them.

Wing Chun: Do you want to know your rock-star name?

Sarah: Whatever. Yes.

Wing Chun: “Gwen Saturn.”

Sarah: Okay, shut up, rock-star name generator.

Wing Chun: “Trevor Babylon”? What the — okay, fuck this.

Sarah: Who’s Trevor Babylon?

Wing Chun: Bill Cosby.

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: Okay. Oh, you mean this Barry Williams item?

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: He’s getting divorced…he’s getting divorced. I don’t get it.

Sarah: But, where his wife wants sole custody?

Wing Chun: Yeah, I saw that, and she only wants him to visit their son with a nanny present, so wh– huh.

Sarah: I know.

Wing Chun: That is — something is wrong there.

Sarah: Thank you, that is weird, right?

Wing Chun: That is weird. And if it’s not just randomly weird, it’s also —

Sarah: Creepy and wrong.

Wing Chun: I…there has to be another reason. Right?

Sarah: Maybe. Maybe it’s just one of those bitchy things people try to do to each other when they’re getting a divorce.

Wing Chun: Maybe. Or maybe…well, if Barry Williams were molesting the kid, she would have just called the cops on his ass, right?

Sarah: Right. Unless she wants his money, so she wants to divorce him and get a big settlement and lots of child support and then be like, “Sucker,” and turn him in.

Wing Chun: I guess. But how much money would Barry Williams have, anyway? I don’t think he’s exactly commanding top dollar for those speaking engagements.

Sarah: Yeah, musical theater doesn’t really put you in the solid-gold-piano tax bracket either.

Wing Chun: Plus, I’m sorry, but I just don’t see Barry Williams doing something so…so…

Sarah: Michael Jackson? I don’t either. I mean, is he a big dork? Clearly.

Wing Chun: He is, and he could stand to maybe live a little more in the now, but…no. I don’t buy it. I think his wife is trying to make him look bad by trying to imply that Barry was doing some bad touching, which he totally wasn’t.

Sarah: You know, I think you’re right. And now I feel terrible because I obviously totally fell for it.

Wing Chun: Well, it’s a well-crafted spin.

Sarah: Still! I had a giant crush on him for years and I’ve read Growing Up Brady like fifty times. I don’t know, I feel like I sold him out or something.

Wing Chun: I’m sure he’d forgive you. He seems pretty nice.

Sarah: I’m sorry, Barry Williams! Damn you, soon-to-be-former Mrs. Williams who is really mean!

Wing Chun: The question remains, what did he do.

Sarah: What do you mean?

Wing Chun: Well, they’re getting a divorce. Obviously he did something to make her that mad that she’d —

Sarah: Right, right. But maybe he didn’t do anything. Maybe she did — maybe she cheated on him with, like, Christopher Knight or something and then he was like, “I am divorcing you and I am going to tell everyone on the Brady Bunch speaking-tour circuit that you are a BIG WHORE,” so she was like, “Oh YEAH, well, I’M telling everyone that YOU’RE a BABY-FONDLER!”

Wing Chun: The best defense is a good offense?

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: Could be.

Sarah: Or maybe he annoyed her so badly with Brady war stories that she just went off the deep end.

Wing Chun: Maybe. “Did I ever tell you about the time I went on a date with Florence Hend–” “God, YES, TEN BRILLION TIMES, SHUT UP.”

Sarah: That would get really old, it’s true. “No, I do not want to ‘kiss Little Johnny Bravo,’ you DWEEB.”

Wing Chun: Hee. “Here’s the story / Of my raging hard-on –” “Thaaaaaat DOES it!”

Sarah: Ew.

Wing Chun: Oh, you were thinking it.

Sarah: Actually, I was envisioning her freaking out because every time they go out on a date, Mike Lookinland has to go with them and sit in the back seat and ruin everything.

Wing Chun: Heh. Wait, I think he literally does — didn’t he pull a DUI himself a few years ago?

Sarah: Oh, that was ages ago.

Wing Chun: So he’s not going in the GBC.

Sarah: I don’t think we have any Bradys in the GBC. Brolins, we’ve got.

Wing Chun: Oh, yeah, that. That is fucked up.

Sarah: Seriously. Don’t be hitting Cherry Valance, damn.

Wing Chun: Maybe the greasers can throw him a beating.

Sarah: Dude, The Outsiders is totally ripe for a GBC recruitment drive.

Wing Chun: But the characters, right? Not the actors.

Sarah: It depends. Leif Garrett is totally in it as himself.

Wing Chun: Leif Garrett was in The Outsiders?

Sarah: Yeah, he’s the soc that gets killed. I think. I know he’s in it, though. There’s this scene where he’s supposed to be drunk, and I don’t think Leif is so much acting there, if you know what I mean.

Wing Chun: Oh, him. Okay, this IMDb entry…when The Outsiders is the best movie you were in?

Sarah: You have been in some unbelievably bad movies. One of which I have actually seen.

Wing Chun: Please tell me it wasn’t The Road to Freedom: L. Ron Hubbard and Friends.

Sarah: It wasn’t, but — oh, Lief. We know you paralyzed your friend in that car crash, but let’s not go overboard and become a Scientologist, now, shall we?

Wing Chun: Or star in Cheerleader Camp. Come on.

Sarah: Hey, he’s got to eat.

Wing Chun: Well, maybe he should learn to type instead of starring in Skateboard.

Sarah: That’s the one I saw.

Wing Chun: May I ask why?

Sarah: The Biscuit and I were looking for clips from bad movies to put on our public access show.

Wing Chun: I cannot imagine that Skateboard disappointed.

Sarah: Just the opposite. The entire movie was so wretched that we were paralyzed with indecision and we didn’t end up using anything.

Wing Chun: My favorite thing about Skateboard is its alternate title.

Sarah: Oh, for real. Skateboard: The Movie. Like we might get it confused with Skateboard: The Musical or Skateboard: The Actual Skateboard.

Wing Chun: You know, the words of this plot summary are in English, and yet I don’t understand what a gangster has to do with a professional skate…okay, forget it.

Sarah: Yeah, don’t try to make sense of it. You know what’s weird, though, it seems like all the Teen Beat-ers of that era did a skate movie.

Wing Chun: You…know a lot about this genre.

Sarah: Yes. Yes, I do.

Wing Chun: And you don’t seem all that ashamed of it.

Sarah: Look. Yes. I saw Skatetown U.S.A. in its entirety. I’m the one who has to live with that, every day. SO DON’T JUDGE ME, LADY.

Wing Chun: Skatetown U.S.— daaaaaaaaaaaamn. Everyone is in this movie! Including?

Sarah: Patrick Swayze, I know.

Wing Chun: And Maureen McCormick! A Brady AND an Outsider!

Sarah: And Scott Baio, and Ron Palillo — I know. Belieeeeeeeeve me, I know.

Wing Chun: Mark Hamill? Holy crap.

Sarah: Hamill’s in the GBC.

Wing Chun: Oh, sure. But he’s not popular.

Sarah: No, I think he’s that guy who’s always trying to educate people on what the GBC actually does, but then during the meeting he’s talking about doing community service and Vince Neil is all yelling over him with Star Wars quotes.

Wing Chun: And hitting the “lay” in “Princess Leia,” and Hamill’s like, “Ha ha. Not. As I was saying…”

Sarah: Yep. And he finally gets his bike wash for literacy organized and they’re all ready to go on a sunny Saturday afternoon, and then Richard Dawson eats all the sponges and it’s ruined.

Wing Chun: And then he goes bonkers.

Sarah: But I don’t think he goes bonkers immediately. I think he asks where the sponges are and some wiseacre tells him to use the Force to find them, so he’s already pissed, and then when Lenny Bruce points mutely at Dawson and slinks away, then Hamill just fuckin’ loses it.

Wing Chun: Dude, if they’re smartassily telling him to use the Force all the time? I’m with Hamill. I am snatching the baseball cards out of Matt Dillon’s spokes and I am ripping every single one of them to shreds.

Sarah: I’m doing that anyway. Shut up, Matt Dillon.

Wing Chun: But is it Matt Dillon in the GBC, or is it Dallas Winston?

Sarah: You know what? I paid good money to see Albino Alligator, it sucked, and as far as I’m concerned everyone involved with that film can get on a sparkly lavender Huffy and suck it. Except William Fichtner, who was awesome and is hot.

Wing Chun: But —

Sarah: Also, if you think Dillon’s annoying in The Outsiders, rent Rumble Fish sometime because MY GOD that entire movie is annoying.

Wing Chun: I —

Sarah: And what is with the acting choices as Dallas Winston, anyway? Why are you punching a comic book? And the death scene? Are you kidding me? I’ve seen more convincing keel-overs from marionettes! He’s not that cute, he really never was, and he needs to shut up.

Wing Chun: I…can I talk now?

Sarah: Yes.

Wing Chun: Two points here. One: if anyone in Rumble Fish belongs in the GBC, it’s Mickey goddamn Rourke.

Sarah: Ah, no. If you’re going to overrule me on Dillon —

Wing Chun: Mickey. Rourke.

Sarah: I understand, and I agree with you that Rourke should go in the GBC. However, if we are limiting our selection from Rumble Fish to one actor, we are putting Dennis Hopper in and that is final.

Wing Chun: Oh, Hopper.

Sarah: I’m saying.

Wing Chun: I can’t name a single film in which he has not been annoying.

Sarah: Birth of a Nation.

Wing Chun: But he wasn’t in — heh, nice one.

Sarah: Rourke is almost as bad, though, you’re right. I can only name one movie I liked him in.

Wing Chun: Diner does not make up for the Wild Orchids.

Sarah: Oh, I know. I’m just saying, at least he’s got the one movie I didn’t hate him in.

Wing Chun: I don’t think he’s popular in the GBC either.

Sarah: Oh, he isn’t. I bet Hopper and Scott Weiland think he’s okay, but Alex Trebek follows him around the fort frantically moist toweletting everything he just touched.

Wing Chun: Definitely. And the minute Rourke leaves, Trebek’s like, “Okay, everybody out,” and sets off one of those roach bombs.

Sarah: There’s an Adrian Zmed joke here but I can’t quite get to it.

Wing Chun: Heh. Or a Liam Gallagher joke.

Sarah: Good one. What about Noel Gallagher?

Wing Chun: “…DAWSON!”

Sarah: Works for me. “Where’s me brutheh?” “[Braaaaap.]”

Wing Chun: Now the question is, does Liam go bazoo after Richard Dawson eats Noel, and try to bludgeon Dawson with his girls’ bike? Or is he secretly psyched that Noel is Dawson kibble so he doesn’t have to share credit for the band’s success anymore?

Sarah: I think the real bludgeoning-related question is, who snaps the innocent Polaroid that sends Sean Penn around the bend?

Wing Chun: “[Click. Whrrrrt.]”

Sarah: “YEAAAAARRRGH! [Chonk chonk chonk chonk chonk chonk chonk!]” Good question. I nominate Wink Martindale.

Wing Chun: Man, poor Wink just can’t catch a break.

Sarah: I just think he’d be the…archivist of the GBC, or whatever. Like how guidance counselors always tell shy kids to go out for yearbook? He’s not really a part of the action, but he’s there taking pictures and putting them neatly in a three-ring binder, and —

Wing Chun: Aw. This is…this is kind of sad.

Sarah: I know. But remember, he’s got blow darts. Martindale will prevail.

Wing Chun: He shouldn’t prevail right away, though. He should wing a few spectators with errant blow darts first.

Sarah: He…should?

Wing Chun: Well, if Penn is twirling his bike over his head like a mace, Martindale’s going to have to dodge and weave — he’s not going to get a clear shot at first.

Sarah: Okay, good point. Who’s he winging?

Wing Chun: Well, first he twangs Simon LeBon in the neck by mistake, so LeBon goes down like a ton of bricks.

Sarah: Clearly.

Wing Chun: And then Keith Richards happens to be walking by —

Sarah: Oh, of course. Where’s he been?

Wing Chun: — and Martindale doinks him in the butt cheek.

Sarah: But Keith Richards just yanks it out and keeps walking, right?

Wing Chun: Oh, yeah, and he’s all, “Pfft. Amateurs.”

Sarah: Hee. And Hopper’s all, “Whoooaaaa, hardcore, dude,” and Keith Richards tells him to get bent.

Wing Chun: He certainly does.

Sarah: I love Keith Richards.

January 31, 2005

Tags:   GBC