Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: Hi! Um, so, are you…eating? Right now?

Wing Chun: No. Why? Who.

Sarah: Have you eaten? Recently?

Wing Chun: Well…how recently is “recently”?

Sarah: You know. Recently. Like since, say, June.

Wing Chun: This involves Michael Jackson. Doesn’t it.

Sarah: I can see why you’d think that, but —

Wing Chun: Doesn’t. It.

Sarah: No, it totally doesn’t. It does, however, involve sp–

Wing Chun: Oh no, not the Vincent Gallo thing.

Sarah: Mmmmmmm hmm.

Wing Chun: You know, it’s not like we didn’t already know the dude was a weirdo, but this…is beyond, even for him. Who would pay a million dollars for his sperm? I wouldn’t pay a million lire for his sperm and that’s like eight bucks.

Sarah: And then if you actually want to, whatever, take receipt of the sperm by having sex with him? It’s another half million.

Wing Chun: Wait, it is? I thought he knocked a half million off the price to do it the old-fashioned way.

Sarah: Alas, no: “If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000.”

Wing Chun: An additional charge. To sleep with Vincent Gallo.

Sarah: Right? “Second prize is two weeks in Philadelphia!”

Wing Chun: Heh. …Oh my God, the bragging about the — what is with this guy and his penis?

Sarah: It’s like he’s in love with it.

Wing Chun: Seriously.

Sarah: No…seriously.

Wing Chun: No, seriously! His penis is the Cybill Shepherd to his Bogdanovich!

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: You were thinking it.

Sarah: I was not thinking it, and I am really sad about that fact.

Wing Chun: But I’m not wrong.

Sarah: Oh, certainly not. I bet the penis has its own Amazon wishlist.

Wing Chun: I bet Vincent Gallo and the penis have a wedding registry, jointly.

Sarah: Hee. “Joint.”

Wing Chun: God, he’s so gross. Gross and coc– um, “arrogant.”

Sarah: Hee, “cocky”!

Wing Chun: Well, but he would take that as a compliment. “Why yes, I am cocky, as you may have read on my website.”

Sarah: “Or seen in Brown Bunny.”

Wing Chun: “…Oh, wait.”

Sarah: I just cannot imagine paying a million and a half dollars for the quote privilege unquote of being seeded in person by Vincent Gallo.

Wing Chun: I wouldn’t do that if he paid me a million and a half dollars.

Sarah: I would.

Wing Chun: Then you are gross and cocky.

Sarah: It’s a million and a half dollars. I can withstand twenty minutes of torture for a million and a half dollars.

Wing Chun: But then you have to get pregnant and carry his child.

Sarah: Oh, I thought we were talking about just having sex with him. Forget it, then.

Wing Chun: Even that, I don’t think you’re getting off as easy as twenty minutes.

Sarah: Hee, “getting off.” …Ew, sorry.

Wing Chun: He’s pretty clearly one of those guys who has to do it for like three hours all “fuck Sting and his tantric bullshit.”

Sarah: Oh, God, cleeeeearly. And he’s watching himself in the mirror the whole time, too, and flinging your legs around at these weird angles.

Wing Chun: Or daring you to put household objects up his bum.

Sarah: Obviously. “Don’t be so provincial, baby.” “That is A CLOCK, ‘baby’!”

Wing Chun: And if you don’t make it out like you’re having the most awesome time ever, he’ll get all scary and start licking a knife.

Sarah: It’s still a million and a half dollars.

Wing Chun: You’d have to spend every penny on therapy. And bleach.

Sarah: True. Okay, it’s off. Even though he made it “to the professional level of Grand Prix motorcycle racing.”

Wing Chun: I think that’s my favorite part. Like, I was only prepared to spend a quarter million on sperm, but Grand-Prix-motorcycle-racing seed, that’s a different story.

Sarah: My favorite part is how you have to pay a million bucks to get the sperm, but he’ll only pay for one IVF attempt, and after that you’re on your own, and you can’t give the kid the last name “Gallo.”

Wing Chun: Because you’d obviously want to advertise to the world that your child is the Spawn Of Greasy.

Sarah: If you’d already paid a million dollars for the Seed Of Greasy?

Wing Chun: Good point. …I wonder what happens if one of Ernest and/or Julio Gallo’s granddaughters or something wants to do it.

Sarah: “But my last name is already Gallo!”

Wing Chun: “Tough titty, baby.”

Sarah: “Now put that tape measure up my b–”

Wing Chun: Okay then!

Sarah: Sorry. So anyway. GBC?

Wing Chun: What — is Gallo in it, you mean?

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: I…guess? I don’t know. The site claims that he is drug- and alcohol-free, after all.

Sarah: And when he finds out that “bike” does not mean “motorcycle,” he’ll probably have a hissy.

Wing Chun: Not if he gets to ride without a seat.

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: Dude.

Wing Chun: Sorry.

Sarah: Oh, here’s the reference to Michael Jacks–

Wing Chun: O! KAY! THEN!

Sarah: Hey, you brought his bum into it, lady.

Wing Chun: Yeah, his bum. The bum of an adult.

Sarah: I’m going to barf.

Wing Chun: Not that changing the subject back to Gallo will help with that, but…

Sarah: Okay, let’s not have him join. Although actually, now that I think about it? Maybe we should keep Gallo around for the purposes of cornering people and trapping them in extremely boring, pretentious conversations.

Wing Chun: Isn’t that Jim Morrison’s job?

Sarah: Eventually, Jim Morrison is going to pass out.

Wing Chun: If by “eventually” you mean “every ten minutes.”

Sarah: Right. So then you send in Gallo.

Wing Chun: Okay, but…to do what?

Sarah: To prevent Phil Collins from getting Genesis back together.

Wing Chun: Oh, that isn’t happening. Is it?

Sarah: Well, it might. Phil Collins says it could.

Wing Chun: But Peter Gabriel didn’t say it could.

Sarah: I don’t recall seeing any comment from Gabriel…no, Gabriel didn’t agree to it.

Wing Chun: Then it won’t happen.

Sarah: Okay, Mrs. Peter Gabriel, I guess I’ll just take your word for it then.

Wing Chun: Oh, come on. Peter Gabriel is never going to do it, because he’s thought he was cooler than those other dudes since the seventies —

Sarah: Which he is.

Wing Chun: Well, we’re grading on a steep curve, but yes. That’s not the point. The point is that he’s going to be like, “No thanks, cheeseballs,” and it’ll never get off the ground.

Sarah: Oh, I disagree. I think that Collins and the others will make a whole hairy deal out of pointedly sighing in the press that Gabriel refuses to be a good sport and do a tour with them, and they are sad, because they miss him, is all, but if that’s how he wants it, okay, boo hoo Peter Gabriel is a big meanie, and finally Gabriel will be like, “Fine, FINE, just SHUT UP already” and give in, and then he’ll be standing out front of the band with a tambourine, looking like he just ate a bug.

Wing Chun: A…tambourine.

Sarah: Yeah, I don’t know where that came from. I stand by the rest of it, though.

Wing Chun: I don’t think he’ll do it. I think it’ll be like that pathetic touring version of the Monkees that’s just Micky and Davy and seventy-six trombones.

Sarah: And my neighbor.

Wing Chun: Your neighbor is a Monkees fan?

Sarah: My neighbor is one of the trombones.

Wing Chun: Oh, shit, I forgot about that. Man, he must have some stories.

Sarah: I know, right? If I knew him even a little bit better, I would barge over there with a bottle of pinot and demand that he dish. Anyway, sorry to get us off track there.

Wing Chun: Oh, I’m done. Let’s talk about debriefing your neighbor.

Sarah: Hee, “debriefing”!

Wing Chun: Well, that’s one way to go about it.

Sarah: No go, he’s got a girlfriend.

Wing Chun: Hmm.

Sarah: I could play Toni Basil’s “Mickey” really loudly over and over until he cracks.

Wing Chun: Yeah, that could work. “He is NOT ‘so fine’ — HE IS A JACKASS!”

Sarah: I wonder if he is actually a jackass.

Wing Chun: We’ve watched the same episodes. I think you’ve got to vote yes on Proposition Jackass.

Sarah: Maybe he’s calmed down a little now that he’s, you know. Old. Maybe he’s kind of cool.

Wing Chun: He has one of those teeny ponytails, though.

Sarah: Oh, God, you’re right. I’d forgotten about that. But he did a voice on The Tick.

Wing Chun: It’s not enough.

Sarah: So he’s GBCing it up, then?

Wing Chun: Fuck it, put the whole band in there.

Sarah: Well, they are the whole band now, him and Davy.

Wing Chun: Oh, that’s going to be sad. When they show up and Bonaduce is like, “So, where’s Nesmith?” all meanly and they’re like, “Uhhhh…business? Trip?”

Sarah: Well, shut up, Bonaduce.

Wing Chun: Just be glad there’s finally someone in the GBC who’s shorter than your fucked-up ass.

Sarah: Speaking of gross and cocky. Have you been watching that show?

Wing Chun: We don’t get it in Canada. Thank God.

Sarah: You aren’t kidding. I can’t stop watching it even though it makes me ill. Such a train wreck.

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: What? …Hee. Say it.

Wing Chun: Involving toy trains!

Sarah: That’s the stuff.

Wing Chun: He does know that steroids won’t make him taller, right?

Sarah: You’re asking me what he knows?

Wing Chun: I don’t know, maybe he said he thought that. On the show.

Sarah: I imagine he thought that bulking up on ‘roids would make him feel better about his height disadvantage.

Wing Chun: I really don’t get why short-man-itis is so…epidemic. So you’re short, so what. Buy a stepladder and get over it. Literally.

Sarah: I don’t get it either.

Wing Chun: But I am short and I don’t get it.

Sarah: But the fact that you’re short does not inform everything you do to a pathological point. I really get the sense that the Dooch would have way fewer problems if he’d wound up a six-footer. Not no problems, but — fewer.

Wing Chun: Oh my holy God.

Sarah: True, the bipolar thing has nothing to do with his hei–

Wing Chun: No, no, not that. Check out his IMDb entry.

Sarah: Is this going to top the Charlotte’s Web revela– whoa.

Wing Chun: I know.

Sarah: In fact, Whoa Parts One And Two. “Appeared in eight episodes of CHiPs as a martial artist”?

Wing Chun: There is a ream of information in that sentence; none of it makes any sort of sense.

Sarah: Well, and then the listing says he was only in three episodes as that character…and a fourth episode as an entirely different character.

Wing Chun: “As a martial artist,” Sarah. This is the salient portion.

Sarah: Salient to wh– he studied under Chuck Norris?

Wing Chun: For twenty years.

Sarah: There’s a freckle-fu joke here somewhere but I just can’t seem to reach it.

Wing Chun: He’s a freckly mofo, for sure.

Sarah: Lord, that picture. His eyes are pointing in different directions.

Wing Chun: I think I saw that picture in the dictionary next to “imp from hell.”

Sarah: He is looking pretty imp-y.

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: What.

Wing Chun: You’re about to say he’s not that bad, aren’t you!

Sarah: What? No!

Wing Chun: You are! You are about to say that!

Sarah: I am not! I was not!

Wing Chun: You’re about to say that if he weren’t so short, and he weren’t so crazy —

Sarah: Shut up! Jesus!

Wing Chun: — that you like a redhead, and you would hit that.

Sarah: I would not hit that.

Wing Chun: You would so hit that.

Sarah: Wing. I would not. Hit. The Dooch.

Wing Chun: You would. You had that tone you get —

Sarah: I did not have a tone! I did not have any tone of any kind, much less a tone implying —

Wing Chun: — when you’re about to apologize for thinking Greg Grunberg is hot.

Sarah: I do not get a tone.

Wing Chun: You get a tone.

Sarah: I do not apologize for that shit, first of all.

Wing Chun: Nor should you.

Sarah: Nor should I, but that is not the point. The point —

Wing Chun: I know what the point is.

Sarah: Are you kidding me? Are. You kidding me.

Wing Chun: Just admit it.

Sarah: I admit nothing.

Wing Chun: But there is something to admit.

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: You acknowledge that there is something to admit, which you are not admitting.

Sarah: I hate you.

Wing Chun: “Freckles in the niiiiiiiiight!”

Sarah: Fine. I admit it.

Wing Chun: “Exchanging lemo –” Excuse me, YOU ADMIT IT?

Sarah: With the caveat that —

Wing Chun: HAAAAAA HA HAAAAAA, YOU WOULD HIT THE DOOCH!

Sarah: Caveat! Hello!

Wing Chun: Oh, this is classic.

Sarah: If a guy who looked like the Dooch, but taller than me, and not on ‘roids or married or whatever, happened to present himself, and he was kind of funny and not gross, yes, I would hit that. Okay?

Wing Chun: “Okay”? The guy looks like the Dooch!

Sarah: I like a redhead!

Wing Chun: That is not a redhead! That is an imp!

Sarah: With red hair! Shut up! What!

Wing Chun: Sarah, do you understand that saying you wouldn’t sleep with Danny Bonaduce himself, but you would sleep with his secret twin who is six two, is hair-splitting of the most ridiculous vari–

Sarah: Hrr krf mff hrgle frxy frrrf.

Wing Chun: …Heeeeee WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

Sarah: I AM SORRY!

Wing Chun: “He kind of has A SEXY VOICE”?

Sarah: You know, my grandmother always said that you shouldn’t ask a question you don’t want the answ–

Wing Chun: Your grandmother is clawing her way aboveground to smack some sense into you right now!

Sarah: Grandma liked The Partridge Family!

Wing Chun: This. This is your defense.

Sarah: Well, no. I actually don’t know if she watched that show. But I think she would have li–

Wing Chun: SARAH.

Sarah: WHAT. Okay, you know what, this is your own fault, because —

Wing Chun: Your obvious impairment is my fault?

Sarah: Every time you do this — I am not actually going to sleep with Danny Bonaduce or with his secret twin! We do not live in a world where secret twins exist! We do not live in a world where I would buy Vincent Gallo’s sperm, or try to make out with Russell Crowe after he tantrumed out with the cordless!

Wing Chun: But you admitted —

Sarah: Yes, after you harassed me for like ten minutes! “But what if you were in a cabin with no phones” this, “but what if he were taller, then you’d sleep with him” that — if you don’t want to know, don’t ask!

Wing Chun: You could have lied.

Sarah: I TRIED THAT!

Wing Chun: You could have lied better, then.

Sarah: Well, you could have shut your facehole, but now we both know that when, whatever, Denny Banadice comes to my door with a dozen roses, I’m giving it up without a fight, and we can’t unknow it, so, I hope you’re happy.

Wing Chun: I’m not.

Sarah: Good.

Wing Chun: Fine!

Sarah: Great!

Wing Chun: Yeah, great!

Sarah: I would also sleep with Donnie Wahlberg!

Wing Chun: AAAAAUUUUGH!

Sarah: Juuuuust kidding!

Wing Chun: Don’t do that.

Sarah: Sorry!

Wing Chun: No you aren’t.

Sarah: No, I’m really not. Is he in the GBC?

Wing Chun: He wishes. He and Marky Mark both wish.

Sarah: Are we even allowed to call him Marky Mark anymore?

Wing Chun: I paid full price to see The Italian Job — I’ll call that bitch whatever I want.

Sarah: He should go in the GBC, if only for the all-out fight to the death that will surely ensue when Noth starts in on him about the Funky Bunch.

Wing Chun: Oh, the Funky Bunch.

Sarah: I love that he backed out of New Kids because it was too “squeaky-clean” a group, but then…the Funky Bunch. Like that’s any less Smurfy.

Wing Chun: Or any less of a sell-out. “I’m hardcore.” Yeah. Nice underpants looming over Times Square.

Sarah: Really.

Wing Chun: Which reminds me, should MC Hammer go in the GBC?

Sarah: Can he even afford a bike anymore?

Wing Chun: Maybe the members of his church can tithe to buy him one.

Sarah: And a sock garter to keep his gigantic pants from catching in the gears.

Wing Chun: If he’s going in, and Marky Mark is going in?

Sarah: …Vanilla Ice is going in.

Wing Chun: Speaking of starting fights, damn.

Sarah: Oh, no doubt. “My name is Rob.”

Wing Chun: “Observe, if you please, my many tattoos denoting artistic seriousness.”

Sarah: “And my forcefully combed-down, no-longer-ramp-like hair.”

Wing Chun: It’s not so much a question of when someone is going to tell him to drop the zero and get with the hero.

Sarah: It’s who.

Wing Chun: I’ve got to go with Bonaduce, actually.

Sarah: Well, good for him. I mean, for God’s sake.

Wing Chun: Or one of the Baldwins could do it, and then everyone would run away.

Sarah: Everyone except —

Sarah and Wing Chun: DAWSON!

Sarah: Dawson solves so many knotty GBC problems. That guy’ll eat anything.

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: Oh, shut up.

Wing Chun: Hey, I didn’t say anything.

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: The Dooch!

Sarah: There it is.

Wing Chun: Well, at least you drew the line at Gallo.

Sarah: Gee, “thanks.”

Wing Chun: Don’t mention it.

November 7, 2005

Tags:   GBC