Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: Well, hellooooooo.

Wing Chun: Oh, I know. I know.

Sarah: Dude. Fisticuffs.

Wing Chun: Dude? Pummeling!

Sarah: Pummeling.

Wing Chun: Pummeling and smacking.

Sarah: Like Christmas in May, this is.

Wing Chun: Christmas and our birthdays.

Sarah: Love it.

Wing Chun: And yet, there’s so much that I don’t understand.

Sarah: Oh, no kidding. Starting with why Axl Rose didn’t just clap a hand on Hilfiger’s head and hold him at arm’s length until he tired himself out flailing around.

Wing Chun: I have two thoughts on that, now that you mention it, the first being that that never actually worked. For me, anyway.

Sarah: You know, now that I’m thinking back, I think I only tried it the once.

Wing Chun: And? …Well, I guess if you only tried it once —

Sarah: Yeah, that’s kind of the thing. Sink your baby teeth into my forearm twice…

Wing Chun: Shame on me, yeah. Toque went with kicking, but, same diff.

Sarah: So I guess Axl could have tried that move and it just didn’t work.

Wing Chun: True. And it’s not a bad strategy.

Sarah: …Henh? It’s a shit strategy. We just decided.

Wing Chun: Oh, right, in terms of defense. In terms of kind of making me kind of love Axl even though he’s crawling with disease? Great strategy. Because how condescending is that, if it works?

Sarah: That’s a good point. He’s sipping a crabs-tini with one hand and holding Tommy off with the other, Tommy is windmilling furiously and getting madder and madder…

Wing Chun: Good stuff, I’m saying.

Sarah: Yeah, I’m on board. So what was the second thought?

Wing Chun: The second tho– oh, yeah. Well, it’s actually sort of the same as the first thought, because I kind of assumed that Axl and Tommy were evenly matched in terms of their size.

Sarah: So “arm’s length” wouldn’t be long enough, you mean?

Wing Chun: Right.

Sarah: Huh.

Wing Chun: You don’t think?

Sarah: Evenly matched, yeah, kind of, but only because Axl weighs 118 pounds.

Wing Chun: …Not anymore, he doesn’t.

Sarah: Really?

Wing Chun: I don’t think he’s cutting quite the slim figure he used to.

Sarah: But we can probably assume he’s not all that…fit.

Wing Chun: Well, that’s the central issue — I don’t think it matters, because it wasn’t actually a fight. It was Tommy freaking shit for no reason and whaling on Axl.

Sarah: And Axl quote-unquote “losing” because he was incapacitated by laughter.

Wing Chun: Dude, I was incapacitated by laughter, reading that shit.

Sarah: Well, seriously.

Wing Chun: Come to think of it, he could win a bunch of fights that way, if he played it right.

Sarah: Oh, completely.

Wing Chun: He announces he’s going to kick someone’s ass —

Sarah: — the intended target dissolves into schoolgirlish giggles —

Wing Chun: — Hilfy pounces.

Sarah: The element of surprise is key.

Wing Chun: As is the element of “oh, I am so sure.”

Sarah: Well, especially in this case. I mean — because Axl moved your girlfriend’s drink? How much Red Bull and vodka have you had, Li’l Fighty?

Wing Chun: Roid rage?

Sarah: Tommy Hil-figer?

Wing Chun: Why not?

Sarah: Did he inject the steroids in his…face? Because I don’t get —

Wing Chun: Oh, I guess I had this whole backstory where he has a much younger girlfriend, so he feels all this pressure to be buff, so he takes roids. Maybe. I’m not married to it, whatever.

Sarah: Huh. Interesting.

Wing Chun: Although…yeah, it doesn’t hold up when I think about it.

Sarah: No, it could. There’s the Dooch.

Wing Chun: Right, but the exception proves the rule there.

Sarah: The rule being…

Wing Chun: The rule being that old, rich, famous dudes can date way above their level because of the whole rich, famous thing.

Sarah: True, true. God, how embarrassed was the girlfriend, do you think?

Wing Chun: She’s dating Tommy Hilfiger on purpose. Let’s not overestimate her capacity for shame.

Sarah: Well, see your previous comments.

Wing Chun: Yeah, true. Plus: all the free clothes.

Sarah: Ooh, yeah, the free clothes.

Wing Chun: …Now I kind of want to date Tommy Hilfiger.

Sarah: Hee.

Wing Chun: Just date. Not sleep with.

Sarah: Even that, you’ve earned a couple of outfits. Having to stand there while he’s getting all peacock-display with a broken-down scrawn like Axl?

Wing Chun: With Mickey Rourke as a witness?

Sarah: I’m saying. And Rourke is like, “They have dwarf bowling in this club?”

Wing Chun: Ha! “Five bucks on the one with the eyelift.”

Sarah: “No, the other one with the eyelift.”

Wing Chun: Well, I guess now we know why The Cut got cancelled. Contestants kept accidentally moving his bottled water like two inches and getting their butts kicked. Oh, and also the show sucked ass.

Sarah: …I watched the whole season.

Wing Chun: …Me too.

Sarah: We suck ass.

Wing Chun: We…sort of do, yes.

Sarah: But at least we don’t get in fights over moved drinks.

Wing Chun: Speak for yourself, missy.

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: Although I did think of the fame/reality equation, reading that story.

Sarah: The fame/reality equation…

Wing Chun: You know, the point where they’ve been famous or powerful for so long that they forget how human beings are supposed to beha–

Sarah: Ohhhhh right right right, sure. That totally came up when Mr. Stupidhead and I were talking about that story. Of course, so did West Side Story, but anyway. Have we come up with a name for —

Wing Chun: West Side Story came up?

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: With…you two. Who hate musicals.

Sarah: Right, but we still know the references, usually.

Wing Chun: Okay, so…

Sarah: With the snapping? And the switchblades held aloft?

Wing Chun: “When you’re a Hilf, you’re a Hilf all the way”?

Sarah: Ooh, that’s good! “Toniiiiight, toniiiiight, I’ll kick your aaaaass toniiiiight!”

Wing Chun: “Tonight there will be nooooo moving driiiiinks!”

Sarah: Exactly.

Wing Chun: You know, with all the musicians in the GBC, there is an argument to be made for having them put on a show.

Sarah: I hate musicals, as you say, but I would go to see that for sure. Every night I would go to see that.

Wing Chun: So many possibilities, too. Girls’ Bike-lahoma…Girls’ Bike-ago…

Sarah: Girls’ Biking in the Rain…

Wing Chun: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Girls’ Bike Club…

Sarah: Dude. Forget seeing it, I want to write that one.

Wing Chun: “Something appealing, something revealing, something for eeeeverybody –”

Sarah: “GBC! Tonight!”

Wing Chun: And they’re in togas? Man. I want to write that one too, now.

Sarah: Or Showboat? We should write Showboat.

Wing Chun: Showbike.

Sarah: Nothing to it. It’s all reprises of “Girls’ Bike River.”

Wing Chun: May I point something out here?

Sarah: Um, that for someone who hates musicals, I know a lot about them?

Wing Chun: Yes.

Sarah: Yeah, I know.

Wing Chun: I would pursue this line of questioning further, but first I must share with you a stroke of genius.

Sarah: The Girls’ Bike of the Opera?

Wing Chun: Better.

Sarah: Girls’ Bike Superstar?

Wing Chun: Better.

Sarah: Chitty Chitty Girls’ Bike?

Wing Chun: …Better.

Sarah: I…wait, Girls’ Bike on the Roof?

Wing Chun: Better!

Sarah: Better than “Girls’ biker, girls’ biker, make me a crash, find me a spliff –”

Wing Chun: Better. But don’t think we’re not returning to the fact that you know the words to “Matchmaker” because we are.

Sarah: …Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Girls’ Bike?

Wing Chun: Better, but just out of curiosity: which Joseph?

Sarah: …Kennedy? Kennedy. Joe Kennedy.

Wing Chun: I don’t know if that works.

Sarah: It kind of doesn’t, let’s move on. The Girls’ Bike and I?

Wing Chun: Better.

Sarah: “Shall! We! Ride! On a bright cloud of pedals shall we –”

Wing Chun: Too high for you, dude.

Sarah: Yeah, that was bad. Sorry. …Okay, I’m out. Stroke-of-genius me.

Wing Chun: Okay, with the caveat that it’s only about a single member of —

Sarah: Oh, don’t start qualifying it with a bunch of…wait. A single member?

Wing Chun: Yep.

Sarah: You’re Not A Good Man, Charlie Sheen?

Wing Chun: Ooh, not bad. But: no.

Sarah: Okay, now I’m really out.

Wing Chun: …Hello, DAWSON!

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: “…DAWSON, well hello, DAWSON!”

Wing Chun: “We’re so scared to have you back where you belooooong!”

Sarah: That. Is awesome. In the sense that I am in awe.

Wing Chun: And you could tie in the West Side Story choreography again with a big Feud dance number.

Sarah: I was thinking of a gigantic papier-mâché Dawson head descending from the ceiling during the big finale.

Wing Chun: That would also work. In fact, you could merge the two concepts.

Sarah: Now the question is, do we cast it with current GBC members? Or do we get civilians to play all the roles? Civilians, right?

Wing Chun: Oh, I think so. I mean, obviously Dawson himself can’t be in it. They’d have to replace the sets every night.

Sarah: And the rest of the cast.

Wing Chun: And various slow-moving members of the audience.

Sarah: “I could have sworn the Times was sending their critic to tonight’s perf– DAWSON!”

Wing Chun: That’s one way to get good reviews.

Sarah: We’ll have to try that when the book comes out.

Wing Chun: Seriously. “EW gave it a C+?! That does it, pass the Mrs. Dash.”

Sarah: Heh. But, okay, here’s the problem with casting civilians. I don’t think even the most desperate actor is going to consent to a singing, dancing “Girls’ Bike on a Cloud” number in the role of Tom Sizemore.

Wing Chun: It’s got to beat waiting tables.

Sarah: I have to tell you…I’d wait tables.

Wing Chun: “Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred Amstels”? No?

Sarah: The lyrics are not the problem. The role of Edward Furlong, and more specifically filling it, is the problem.

Wing Chun: “Lobster Boheme”?

Sarah: Well…

Wing Chun: You know, you’re probably right.

Sarah: The real problem, of course, is —

Wing Chun: — Corey Haim in a Teyve beard?

Sarah: We should put Victor Garber in the GBC just to cover that action, but: no. The real problem —

Wing Chun: — is that the estate of Gilbert & Sullivan will never give permission to mount a production of The HMS Girls’ Bike-afore?

Sarah: That’s less a problem than it is sound business planning, and in any case: no. The problem I’m referring to is that I am imagining a can-can kick-line; I am imagining Jim Morrison’s drunk ass ruining it, rehearsal after rehearsal; and I am getting mad at Jim Morrison. Who, in my mind, is not only not dead but also wearing bloomers.

Wing Chun: So, the usual problem, then.

Sarah: And a Leghorn hat, as well.

Wing Chun: Hee.

Sarah: This is not an actual show, and yet somehow I am directing it, and it is stressing me out.

Wing Chun: I see what you’re saying, but it could be worse.

Sarah: Oh, I can’t wait to hear how.

Wing Chun: You — and by “you” I mean “we” — could be producing The Girls’ Bikees.

Sarah: Good point. …Wait, the what?

Wing Chun: Like the Monkees. But with GBC members.

Sarah: Oh, God. It’s even worse than the GBC version of Dinner for Five.

Wing Chun: I know. But check it out, instead of the Pre-Fab Four?

Sarah: They’re the Rehab Four! …You know, maybe this isn’t terrible.

Wing Chun: No, it is.

Sarah: Well, in terms of picking who goes in it, it is. Sophie’s Choices all over the damn place. Who’s the drummer, just for starters?

Wing Chun: I figured we’d just leave Dolenz in there.

Sarah: Huh. I’d have gone with Collins, given that he started this whole mess. On the other hand, Dolenz is obviously on something.

Wing Chun: My point.

Sarah: And then who’s on guitar? Keith Richards?

Wing Chun: At least we’ve got keyboards locked up.

Sarah: Right, Billy Joel.

Wing Chun: …Oh. Shit.

Sarah: What, you were thinking Manzarek?

Wing Chun: Yeah, but you’re right, it’s Billy.

Sarah: You know what, let’s do Manzarek, because if Billy Joel is in the band, he’s going to make a big old fuss-ola until we hire Katie Lee to…do something, I don’t even know.

Wing Chun: Wear a training bra? Sell Girl Scout cookies?

Sarah: Seriously.

Wing Chun: Although, given that she couldn’t sell her lines on Top Chef —

Sarah: But it’s not like she got fired, is the issue. Unfortunately.

Wing Chun: Okay, Manzarek it is. But we’ve still got a serious bottleneck at lead singer.

Sarah: Weiland, Axl, Jim Morrison…you know what, let’s not Monkee-ize them, it’s exhausting just thinking about it.

Wing Chun: Only slightly less exhausting than some of the other recent inductees.

Sarah: Lord, seriously. Speaking of keyboardists.

Wing Chun: I was kind of annoyed with Yanni, to tell you the truth. Thanks for the punch-line choice paralysis, there, dude. Except not really.

Sarah: Actually, he’s another one where the victim could probably have put up a more substantive fight had she not been doubled over laughing.

Wing Chun: Well, really. I mean, not to make light of domestic violence, obviously, but —

Sarah: Ike Turner he ain’t.

Wing Chun: Exactly.

Sarah: And Limbaugh adds another badge to his GBC sash…I can’t even feel good about it! Because it’s not like he’ll lose any listeners. Freakin’ hypocrite.

Wing Chun: I did sort of enjoy the Wopat one.

Sarah: The — you mean Tom Wopat?

Wing Chun: No, Kool Moe Dee Wopat. Yes, Tom Wopat.

Sarah: Oh, no.

Wing Chun: Yep. DUI.

Sarah: God. Of all people.

Wing Chun: I know, right?

Sarah: And I’m sure the officers were totally busting out the General Lee jokes and referring to themselves as — shit, what was the guy’s name?

Wing Chun: …Ros…co? Great, now I have to look it up. Thanks for making my browser cache embarrassing, Luke.

Sarah: “Rosco P. Coltrane,” of course. And Wopat just has to sit there and take it.

Wing Chun: Who would be more ironic than a Duke brother? Besides Hasselhoff, who’s already in? Seriously, nobody.

Sarah: Maybe one of the Andrettis.

Wing Chun: Hee. We should totally get some NASCAR guys in there.

Sarah: But they’d be in the GBC in name only, because they ride too fast to really hang out.

Wing Chun: And they’re always turning left.

Sarah: But how rad would it be to have a pit crew for your girls’ bike?

Wing Chun: Pretty rad. I wish I’d had one as a kid.

Sarah: Me too, God. Every time the chain came off, it was like, “That’s a half hour I won’t get back.”

Wing Chun: Yeah, remember when that was a major hassle? “How was your day, honey?” “Oh my God, my bike chain came off!” Like you’d lost an arm or something.

Sarah: Well, I guess that’s why you’re a kid first. Once you master bike-chain-sized hassles, then you’re allowed to try escrow.

Wing Chun: I guess.

Sarah: Not that most of the guys in the GBC could handle either of those things.

Wing Chun: Thus their membership.

Sarah: Hilfiger’s bike chain comes off, he’s blaming Vince Neil for moving it and then attacking him.

Wing Chun: You know, if anyone’s going to be able to pull off the arm’s-length thing, it’s Big Vince.

Sarah: Or Alec Baldwin.

Wing Chun: Yeah, “twice his height” should probably do it.

Sarah: I hope so, damn.

Wing Chun: Shut up, Hilfy.

Sarah: At least take it out on Charlie Sheen and do some good while you’re up.

Wing Chun: Oh, Sheen. It pains me to say this, but you know how Sean Penn was having a hissy about Sheen camping out at the fort?

Sarah: Yeah? …Oh. Yeah, I feel you.

Wing Chun: I’m on Penn’s side now.

Sarah: I totally feel you. Hate it, but…feel you.

Wing Chun: Although, again, not to excuse anything he did, but come on, Denise Richards!

Sarah: Oh, I know. The further I got into that Smoking Gun report, the less I could see where she was coming from.

Wing Chun: Really. I mean, sure, you want your kids to have a relationship with their father, usually, but — that father?

Sarah: That’s just it. Like, maybe a quick review of the reasons you’re divorcing him in the first place, hello?

Wing Chun: “But their paternal grandfather is the president!” “Oh, sweetie. That’s…just a TV show.”

Sarah: “And it’s…cancelled, so.” I mean, I feel sorry for her, but how is this going to play in the kids’ therapy in twenty years? “Yeah, our dad was always there for us. And was always looking at porn. Starring little girls.”

Wing Chun: “And calling our mom the N word.”

Sarah: “Also, our mom dated David Spade. Can I get some more Thorazine over here or what?”

Wing Chun: Yeah, that’s where I sort of ran out of pity. You had me, Christmas Jones, and then you lost me.

Sarah: Um, it’s Doctor Christmas Jones?

Wing Chun: Um, shut up please.

Sarah: …Dude, what if Denise’s daughter and Britney’s son wind up getting married?

Wing Chun: Then I will be very happy for them.

Sarah: So will I.

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: I’m thinking it too, so just go ahead.

Wing Chun: …Because if Britney’s son lives that long, it’ll be a miracle.

Sarah: …Yep.

Wing Chun: I actually feel kind of bad that I said that.

Sarah: Well, it’s not exactly a baseless accusation. The kid has been dropped on his head twice that we know about.

Wing Chun: Not to mention the dropped-on-his-head-ness built into the Federline DNA.

Sarah: So, don’t feel too bad.

Wing Chun: I don’t.

Sarah: Me neither. Well, for the kid I do.

Wing Chun: Oh, so do I. This is why they invented butterfly nets, California Department of Child Services. Get on that.

Sarah: If they didn’t take Michael Jackson’s kids, they won’t take anyone’s.

Wing Chun: And now that the Michael Jackson reference has been made, let’s put an end to this.

Sarah: Roger that.

May 29, 2006

Tags:   GBC