Sarah: Hello?

Wing Chun: Hello!

Sarah: Oh God, now what. Who.

Wing Chun: …What in the what what?

Sarah: It’s Robin Williams, isn’t it.

Wing Chun: It’s…the latest J. Crew catalog, actually, I saw a cute skirt for you. What did Robin Williams do?

Sarah: I’m asking you that.

Wing Chun: How would I know?

Sarah: …Ohhhh, okay. This is a co-dependent–online-shopping call.

Wing Chun: It is.

Sarah: We’re not putting anyone on a girls’ bike.

Wing Chun: We aren’t. Although we could.

Sarah: Not lately, we couldn’t — and what’s up with that, since we’re on the subject? It’s entirely too quiet in Celebrity-DUI Land and it’s starting to creep me out.

Wing Chun: You know, I hadn’t really noticed, but you’re right. Except for Hasselhoff passing out on British TV, nobody’s really —

Sarah: Oh, Jesus.

Wing Chun: Oh, you didn’t hear about that?

Sarah: He passed out?

Wing Chun: From what I read, there were hip thrusts, and then there were ham-handed attempts at flirtation with the host, and then…there was snoring.

Sarah: Vodka-scented snoring.

Wing Chun: Which he denies.

Sarah: Well, yeah. …Wait, which part?

Wing Chun: The vodka-scented part.

Sarah: It would be pretty hilarious if he tried to deny the snoring part but copped to being drunk.

Wing Chun: Seriously. “Yeah, I was trashed, but I had a Breathe Right strip on!”

Sarah: “It was really more of a gentle soughing. [hic!]”

Wing Chun: But other than that, no news.

Sarah: And even that isn’t “news,” exactly. It’s just another day at the office for the Hoff.

Wing Chun: Another day at the Hoffice.

Sarah and Wing Chun: …Dude!

Sarah: The Hoffice! I would watch that show.

Wing Chun: I would love to create that show, but I don’t know if I could endure watching it, honestly. Famous original Office is uncomfortable enough, I don’t know if I want to sign on for Curb Your Hoffthusiasm.

Sarah: Or Flavor of Hoff.

Wing Chun: Wow, ew.

Sarah: Yeeeeeesh, not that flavor! Absolut flavor!

Wing Chun: Ohhhhhhh ew. Ew ew ew ew ew, and ew.

Sarah: …And ew again.

Wing Chun: Let’s change the subject.

Sarah: Okay.

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: Please say something. Something that does not suggest The Hoffelor.

Sarah: …Pimp My Hoff?

Wing Chun: Sarah.

Sarah: What? It’s about cars!

Wing Chun: And then there’s the word “pimp.”

Sarah: Hoffardy? All the questions are about the Hoff?

Wing Chun: You know, that’s what he should do. He should host a game show.

Sarah: I’m saying. The Weakest Hoff.

Wing Chun: Who Wants To Be A Hasselhoff.

Sarah: Now, here’s the question — does it work better if he tries to live among civilians, like on 30 Days or something? Or should he star in his own celebreality show?

Wing Chun: I’m sticking with him hosting a show. I really don’t want to see his daily life, I extra don’t want to watch him trying to date, let’s just give him some scripted material on The Amazing Hoff and leave it at that.

Sarah: What about America’s Next Top Hoff?

Wing Chun: You want to let the Hoff ogle pretty girls? What did I just say?

Sarah: Hello — it’s about finding another Hoff, not about modeling! Dudes in Members Only jackets, singing. No girls.

Wing Chun: That could work, yeah.

Sarah: But maybe we should call it Are You Hoff?.

Wing Chun: …This is pathetic. I almost wish Robin Williams had done something bad.

Sarah: Uh, Jakob the Liar?

Wing Chun: Illegal, I meant. Which Jakob the Liar should have been, now that I think about it.

Sarah: I really do feel like this is the lull before some kind of perfect storm of GBC activity. It’s disconcerting.

Wing Chun: Heh — all the current members are sitting around in the fort, and then all these birds start flying around crazily like they do before a tornado.

Sarah: Does the fort have a bomb shelter? Because this could get interesting.

Wing Chun: Especially if Kim Jong Il is in the GBC.

Sarah: You know, I knew we’d have to confront the dictator question sooner or later.

Wing Chun: I don’t think they should be in it.

Sarah: I don’t either.

Wing Chun: I mean…Hitler?

Sarah: That’s just it. Because it’s one thing to joke about Jim Morrison face-planting in his own bike basket, but then…

Wing Chun: …War crimes.

Sarah: No, I know.

Wing Chun: So, fuck those guys.

Sarah: Agreed. On every level.

Wing Chun: So…we wait.

Sarah: I guess. Or we start putting in guys who didn’t do anything wrong, but could still up the awesomeness quotient in some way. Like we did with The Rock.

Wing Chun: I could get behind that.

Sarah: Stephen Colbert, for example.

Wing Chun: Please promise me you will donate your brain to science, because I think it has actual wormholes in it —

Sarah: Well, who were you going to say?

Wing Chun: — and I just find it fascinating. Seriously, you’re like Dr. Bronner sometimes.

Sarah: Aw, I love that guy.

Wing Chun: Well, what the hell, let’s put him in.

Sarah: Hell yeah let’s put him in. “Dawson uniting All-One, okay!”

Wing Chun: And Rube Goldberg. In case someone wants a bike made entirely out of bottle caps that also presses your pants.

Sarah: By “someone,” I believe you mean Mr. Wink Martindale.

Wing Chun: I do now.

Sarah: Who were you going to say before?

Wing Chun: Before Colbert? Which, what’s the reasoning on Colbert?

Sarah: “Drunkiness”? “Bikeyness”?

Wing Chun: Gotcha. …I was going to say Tim Gunn.

Sarah: That. Is genius. Geeeeeeenius!

Wing Chun: “GBCers? Can ask you to gather ’round, please?”

Sarah: And Kayne has sixteen million reflector patches on his bike and Tim is like, “Not so much, but…carry on.”

Wing Chun: “Jim Morrison hurled in my shoe!” “You’ll just have to make it work.”

Sarah: Tim Gunn. That is brilliant. And Santino!

Wing Chun: Okay, as awesome as a guy that tall would look on a little pink girls’ bike —

Sarah: With those giant heels he wore that time? And the fedora?

Wing Chun: Right, I know — but even more than putting him in the GBC, I think he should be on these calls about the GBC. Because he was totally already GBC-ing people himself with that crazy subplot about Andrae and Tim Gunn at Red Lobster.

Sarah: Aw! Andrae!

Wing Chun: Oh, you and the Andrae.

Sarah: He’s just so huggable.

Wing Chun: You’re right, he is. Did you hug him that time at LAX?

Sarah: I did not. I should have, though.

Wing Chun: You also should have hugged Weird Al.

Sarah: I should have hugged the shit out of Weird Al. I’ll just have to treat him to a deluxe Schwinn with a bike horn that plays “Living With A Hernia.”

Wing Chun: I’m sure Weird Al has received much stranger gifts.

Sarah: I’m sure he has. Hey, what about Jerry Lewis?

Wing Chun: Ow, my neck.

Sarah: Sorry.

Wing Chun: I take it you don’t want to give him to Weird Al as a gift.

Sarah: No. I mean, correct.

Wing Chun: But you want him to go in the GBC.

Sarah: I think I do.

Wing Chun: Because he’s unfunny? Because if that’s all it takes, they’ll need a fort the size of the Spelling compo–

Sarah: No, because he’s a sexist pig.

Wing Chun: Well, if that’s all it takes, why don’t we just rename it the Republican Party and walk away.

Sarah: Okay, but his whole deal is that he doesn’t think women are funny. We put him on a girls’ bike, we piss him off and prove him wrong. He would hate having to ride a girls’ bike.

Wing Chun: But what if he turns it to his advantage and rides it around and around the block for 72 straight hours to raise money for Jerry’s Kids?

Sarah: Then good for him, at least it’s for a good cause.

Wing Chun: …Jerry Lewis. Are your neurons made of cotton candy?

Sarah: I wasn’t the one who brought up spanking porn, missy. What are your neurons made of, Russ Meyer?

Wing Chun: I thought that was a logical progression.

Sarah: What about medieval Japanese flowerheads in space? Who was that?

Wing Chun: You agreed that that would probably —

Sarah: That was you.

Wing Chun: Yeeees, but I did not get from Hitler to Stephen Colbert without any intervening steps.

Sarah: Tim Burton!

Wing Chun: Okay, see, now? Now you’re doing it on purpose.

Sarah: Oh, come on, you can follow my logic on that one. Because he writes those poems about boys with oysters for heads and stuff?

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: Japanese flowerheads? In…space? Edward Bikerhands? …Jeez, tough room.

Wing Chun: Okay, but can you see my point? That your next suggestion is going to be some rando shit like —

Sarah: Chuck Yeager!

Wing Chun: Yes. Like Chuck fucking Yeager. For God’s sake.

Sarah: Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with busted ribs and a wicked hangover; I don’t think he’s that rando a choice for the GBC.

Wing Chun: He’s not rando himself. You getting from The Corpse Bride to The Right Stuff is beyond rando. I mean, we might as well yell out names without thinking, then.

Sarah: …

Wing Chun: …Oh, God.

Sarah: Bruce Vilanch!

Wing Chun: Oh please no. No! Nein Vilanchen!

Sarah: Of all the Hollywood Squares in all the Girls’ Bike Clubs in the world…

Wing Chun: …he had to ride into mine. No.

Sarah: Liberace!

Wing Chun: Hey now.

Sarah: Imagine the bike that guy has.

Wing Chun: He’s got to have more than one. The solid-gold bike and the bike made entirely out of Swarovski crystals.

Sarah: I think I’ve got to have that bike my own self.

Wing Chun: And extremely dark sunglasses in order to ride it without blinding yourself.

Sarah: And much better balance than I actually possess, so as not to disrupt the giant candelabra perched in the basket.

Wing Chun: …Ooh.

Sarah: Who.

Wing Chun: Don’t you think it’s high time Vincent Price joined the GBC?

Sarah: Oh my God, you’re on a roll today. That’s awesome.

Wing Chun: It being Halloween time and everything.

Sarah: I’m totally on board with that. Except he’s going to drape the whole fort with fake cobwebs and Trebek is going to have a fit.

Wing Chun: Everyone’s going to have a fit. Price is going to be narrating everything they do with the accompaniment of minor chords on the organ.

Sarah: “For no mere mortal can rrrrresist…the evil of…”

Wing Chun and Sarah: “…DAWSON!”

Sarah: “Cram it, old man.”

Wing Chun: Totally.

Sarah: And if we’re adding creepy narrators, how about Rod Serling?

Wing Chun: Nice one.

Sarah: It’s appropriate, in its way.

Wing Chun: Hee, I’m imagining the opening credits of the old Twilight Zone, but now it’s all toy bikes flying towards the camera.

Sarah: And Shatner yelling, “There’ssomethingon! THE BIKE!”

Wing Chun: Didn’t we put Shatner in already?

Sarah: I don’t think so. I don’t think he’d done anything to warrant it.

Wing Chun: That’s hard to believe, somehow.

Sarah: Hey, if scenery were alcohol, he’d run the GBC.

Wing Chun: Maybe we should try to think of the worst candidates for the GBC, instead of the best.

Sarah: …But if we’d done that, like, a year ago, a bunch of people that we would have named? They’re in it now. You know? Like, Hilfiger — we would have been like, “Lord no,” but now look.

Wing Chun: Or Osment. Still, I’m sure we can think of some people that don’t belong in it at all. Like Tim Gunn.

Sarah: See, but my point is that we might jinx them that way. What if Tim Gunn really does get into an altercation with Andrae at a Red Lobster now?

Wing Chun: It’s the GBC. I don’t think we have to invalidate the concept of free will, and besides, it’s not like we’d put anyone we know in it or anything.

Sarah: Fine, you go first.

Wing Chun: …Prince Charles.

Sarah: Wow. Yeah, no way.

Wing Chun: Exactly. Now you.

Sarah: Uh…no, he wouldn’t work…

Wing Chun: Just say anyone.

Sarah: Charles Durning.

Wing Chun: Once again, you’ve lost me. …Wait, never mind. Both named Charles.

Sarah: I guess?

Wing Chun: I don’t know about that one, his character on Rescue Me seems like a likely guy.

Sarah: Yeah, Durning maybe likes a drink. Okay, you go.

Wing Chun: Baryshnikov.

Sarah: Damn. Well, he’s Russian…

Wing Chun: Not anymore he ain’t.

Sarah: No, you’re right, he’s not in it.

Wing Chun: Okay, go.

Sarah: Uh…uh…Batman.

Wing Chun: …Batman?

Sarah: Batman.

Wing Chun: …Bat…man.

Sarah: You said just say anyone! I said anyone!

Wing Chun: But, Batman?

Sarah: Well, he’s not in the GBC, is he, Wing. So excuse me for living.

Wing Chun: Batman the character, or one of the actors who played —

Sarah: BATMAN IS NOT IN THE GIRLS’ BIKE CLUB. NEXT.

Wing Chun: Not even Clooney Batman?

Sarah: I am going to drive to Canada, kill you, and drive home. NEXT.

Wing Chun: Lawrence Welk.

Sarah: Overruled.

Wing Chun: Really?

Sarah: Hello, Yanni?

Wing Chun: Yeah, but…hmm. Okay, I see your point, kind of. Go.

Sarah: Johnny Cash.

Wing Chun: Oh, abso-lutely not. Well done.

Sarah: Thank you. God. Go.

Wing Chun: Bob Dylan.

Sarah: I agree, but do you think he would do a talking blues about it?

Wing Chun: He’s done one about everything else, hasn’t he?

Sarah: Just about, yeah.

Wing Chun: Your turn.

Sarah: Joe Namath. …Wait, can I take that back?

Wing Chun: I was going to say, didn’t he wear pantyhose on TV?

Sarah: He certainly did. Okay…Lou Gehrig.

Wing Chun: I’ll take your word on that one.

Sarah: Trust me: nuh uh.

Wing Chun: But speaking of sports figures, you know who has to go in?

Sarah: Zidane?

Wing Chun: No, but: awwwww yeah.

Sarah: “Who took the playing cards out of my spokes?” “[Bamph!]” “AUUUUGH!”

Wing Chun: I was thinking John McEnroe.

Sarah: Oh, Johnny Mac. Sure.

Wing Chun: Okay, you.

Sarah: Wait, are we putting people in again now, or keeping them out?

Wing Chun: Eh, up to you.

Sarah: Malkovich.

Wing Chun: …Whoa. So he’s in, you’re saying?

Sarah: I…don’t know what I’m saying.

Wing Chun: I don’t really have a rationale for this, but I have to say, I think he’s in.

Sarah: I don’t either, and I do too. Something about the mental image of him pedaling up to the fort in his Valmont drag with a wake of wig powder trailing behind him…it just works.

Wing Chun: It does. Lord knows why.

Sarah: That’s Malkovich for you.

Wing Chun: It is, isn’t it.

Sarah: Your turn.

Wing Chun: …I think I’m out of people. I think the truth is stranger than fiction and we just have to wait for someone to load up on celebritinis and get behind the wheel. But someone who is not Malkovich, because that would make me a little bit sad.

Sarah: Me too. And yeah, my next one was going to be Chairman Mao but then we said we couldn’t do dictators.

Wing Chun: Wait! St. Francis of Assisi!

Sarah: …Dude?

Wing Chun: I know.

Sarah: Good effort, though.

Wing Chun: Don’t patronize me, Mrs. Batman.

Sarah: Hey, calm down. We’ll get through this.

Wing Chun: I have to go now.

Sarah: …Wait wait wait, Poppin’ Fresh! The Pillsbury…hello? Hel…lo?

October 16, 2006

Tags:   GBC