The winner of the “Kerosene and Spiders” mini-contest appears below.

What garnered this entry winning status? The random capitalization and the jump into the story with no lead-up; use of the terms “expiring” and “fairer sex”; and the Rube-Goldbergian complexity of the initial experiment are all hallmarks of Scientific American‘s turn-of-the-last-century reportage.

In hindsight, the experiment was flawed from its inception. However, this was not apparent until the first flaming spider leapt from the lab bench to the floor. The scientists soon found themselves awash in flaming spiders scurrying across the floor, expiring in tiny flaming heaps in the most inconvenient of places (not the least of which was the flammable liquids storage cabinet that had been left open by the technician retrieving the kerosene at the heart of this bizarre scene). The idea was simple — a dangerous quality where complex systems and Arachnids are concerned — to create a trap for spiders to be deployed in the home, particularly by the fairer sex who at times exhibit a reluctance to dispatch Arachnids to their final reward. The trap consists of a box baited with insects and a tiny canister of kerosene (a chemical available in most homes for lamps). The spider enters the trap, lured by the insects, and is sprayed by kerosene from the canister. Making the trap out of old matchstick boxes proved to be the undoing of the plan. Instead of curling up to die, the spiders scurried off, their legs creating sparks as they ran over the striking surface of the matchbox. The friction proved too much. Perhaps boxes constructed of asbestos would better serve in the next experiment.

Honorable mentions after the jump.

This entry delighted for two reasons: 1) the mental image it conjures of Gibson-Girl-hairdo fainting spells, and 2) the ever-popular “look what I caught you! [peh]” of the house cat.

Kerosene and Spiders, by LR

Early in spring, a rather hairy spider may be seen crawling about inside windows and doors. Araneide iwannaprizius has the same characteristics of most common house spiders including eight legs and eyes. A. iwannaprizius may be of a light brown to gray color and measures approximately 0.25 of an inch in length.

As previously stated, this species prefers to reside inside of houses, frequently located near windows and doors. Although it is not uncommon to find this species on the ceiling, directly above the bed, while retiring for the evening. A. iwannaprizius is noted for waving the foremost legs in a threatening manner when approached, which in turn has been known to cause hysteria in certain susceptible populations of humans. The reactions of those susceptible to the behavior of this species range from a mild exclamation to a fit best characterized as possessed by the devil. Extreme reactions have even been known to cause heart attacks in unaware persons located in another room.

While all members of the genus Araneide can prove to be helpful in removing unwanted insects, the previously mentioned hysteria that could ensue from the presence of this species could be detrimental to all residents of the household. It is for this reason that the following remedies and suggestions have been developed to reduce or eliminate A. iwannaprizius in the household:

Acquire a house cat. House cats are noted for their ability to catch and eat all species of Araneide. However, a susceptible member of the household may still be exposed to A. iwannaprizius, and therefore a bout of extreme hysteria, if the feline brings them a specimen and releases it alive in the lap.

Treat doorways and window screens with kerosene. Apply kerosene to a cloth and wipe screens and doorways, leaving a thin layer of kerosene behind. Since members of Araneide “taste” with their legs they will not pass over treated areas.

Treat A. iwannaprizius with kerosene and a match. This would best be performed by a member of the household not affected by the species’’presence or leg waving. It is recommended that the species be captured in a glass container before adding a small amount of kerosene, followed by a lighted match. Showing the curled-up ball of burnt A. iwannaprizius to other members of the household is highly discouraged. While seeing the evidence of a painful death may lead to glee in some, the more sensitive could still have a fit when confronted with even the dead carcass of this species.

MH had me at the unnecessarily, yet perfectly Edwardianly, hyphenated “kero-sene.” Excessively Teutonic hyphenation is also a trait of “base-ball” writing of the era, which is why I still find “the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” so hilarious; it’s like a contemporary account of the feats of King Kelly, which of course would bear a headline along the lines of “The Heroical Exploits of Michael Kelly, Known as ‘King,’ of the Cincinnati Red-Legs Base-Ball Club,” and then a series of subheds like, “Derring-Do Upon the Base-Paths!” and “A Knotted Contest Called on Account of the Setting of the Life-Giving Orb, Known as ‘The Sun'” and so on and so forth.

Yes, I know Kelly didn’t play for the Reds; I don’t think his name was Michael, either, now that I’m thinking on it; don’t email me. Anyway: additional credit for the mention of the “did people actually care about those? …oh yeah, they didn’t have cable” World’s Fair.

Kero-sene and Spiders, by MH

Discoveries abound as engineers continue to study the construction of the mystifying specimen revealed at the World Arachnid Fair last month. Says a representative of this ground-breaking collaboration: “One of the most perplexing items presented thus far, the sampling began as a source of professional mockery for our esteemed co-hort, Dr. James Parsimony Chesterton, PhD. Originally thought to be a chip of shale and the resulting oil, or kero-sene, Chesterton revealed that the item was, in full disclosure of the facts, a cutting of the domicile of the extraordinarily rare arachnia incandesca or Flaming Spider. The chip, by all appearances, seems to mimic shale in every known characteristic. The ‘fool’s shale,’ as the doctor calls it, is used to contain the kero-sene produced by the animals. The system functions in much the same way as a bee’s comb containing honey. The scientist Chesterton insists that the uncanny similarity is a necessary defense mechanism of the spider used to keep the spider colony itself intact when exposed to the animal’s other suspected militia-like weapon, the flame gouts. Chesterton is under the belief, as shared with the assembly, that these creatures emit a size-relative powerful flame from the posterior when attacked by a predator. The doctor went on to pontificate on the propulsion possibilities possibly available for use by the animal as a result of this ability.”

The animal has yet to be seen by the naked eye, but the arachnid community at-large is in rapt anticipation of the day that sufficient magnification is available to document this phenomenon for the more skeptical members of the community.

This one isn’t so old-timey, but you have to love the phrase “spider load.”

Kerosene and Spiders, by AEE

Abstract

Bird Spiders have long been the bane of the banana farmer in South America. The size of a grown man’s hand, these pests kill hundreds of native banana harvesters each year in tragic and painful ways, negatively impacting fruit yield and harvester quality of life.

In this research, we report that common kerosene can be used to control and prevent spider infestation in Musa paradisica, or the common banana. Approximately 4.7 acres of banana fields were sprayed with kerosene and their spider population per acre surveyed every 24 hours. It was found that after the first day, average spider load per acre dropped from 1200 to 1097. At 48 hours, spider load was 1000, but by 96 hours load had dropped to 0, proving the effectiveness of this alternative control technique. It should be noted, however, that while kerosene alone was somewhat effective at controlling spider infestation, it was most effective when ignited, as in this experiment on day three. Unfortunately, this does have a negative impact on the cultivar’s production per acre. Also, spiders escaping the field whilst ignited proved difficult to contain and resulted in immolation of several neighboring villages, fields, and the plantation owner’s home. Control, it must be said, was effective and complete and no further spider infestation was noted in the following six months. In the future, our group will continue to research the pest control of other petrochemicals, including coal, crude oil and butane.

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