On August 29, the Academy Of Television Arts And Sciences will dole out this year’s Emmy Awards. Let’s not discuss the fact that typing the words “Academy Of Television Arts And Sciences” gave me a fit of the giggles, as my mind conjured up other so-called “academies” that might one day dedicate themselves to the unwarranted veneration of simple-minded entertainment, like the American Institute Of Nintendo and the International Skee-Ball Alliance. Let’s not discuss the fact that the entertainment industry spends more time congratulating itself than it does creating anything entertaining. And let’s definitely not discuss the sheer volume of TV I watch during any given week, an ingestion of programming so vast that it qualifies me to judge even the shows I have never seen. Let’s just discuss the Emmy nominees instead (at least, the ones that boggle my mind or work my nerves).

Let’s start with OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES. I have never seen so much as a promo for Spin City, but if Michael J. Fox has successfully banished the dread spectre of Alex P. Keaton from viewer memory, give him the damn statuette. (And some stilts.) Kelsey Grammer, on the other hand, might want to try banishing the old Colombian marching powder from the Frasier soundstage. I like the show, but every time “Special K” bursts onto the set, sweating like a Kenneth Starr witness and delivering every line with a coke-addled gusto reminiscent of Ethel Merman, I have to yell “just say no” at the screen. John Lithgow does a creditable job on 3rd Rock, but those 10-10-321 commercials sort of kill it for me. (I went to my parents’ house this weekend – did I stand around in front of the freezer, talking long-distance carriers with my dad while eating ice cream with a spoon the size of my head? No sirree Bob, I certainly did not. Anyhow.) And where do I start with Paul Reiser? First of all, Paul Reiser does not act. Paul Reiser plays himself. Paul Reiser doesn’t even play himself as himself; he plays himself doing a weird, watered-down-Richard-Lewis shtick that he debuted in Diner fifteen years ago, as a minor character that spent the entire movie getting on everyone’s nerves. Paul Reiser says, “Minestrone,” looks befuddled, and waits for a laugh. Funny? No. Second of all, Paul Reiser – ostensibly the lead in a romantic comedy – wears his pants up to his armpits. Funny? Not on purpose, no. Third of all, the AT&T ads. Funny? No, no, a thousand times no. Let’s face it – the folks at the ATAS felt bad that Helen Hunt got all the attention last season, so they threw Reiser a bone. I never saw Larry Sanders, either, but at least Shandling had the sense not to endorse a telecommunications company. He also played himself, though, more or less, which makes me wonder how Jerry Seinfeld got left out of this category.

Then we have OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES. Well, for starters, I don’t see anything comedic in Veronica’s Closet, much less the sight of Kirstie “Mrs. Hardy Boy” Alley tromping about in lavender satin pajamas and matching mules. Still, perhaps tolerating Dan Cortese does deserve some reward. As for Ellen – whatever. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. Sometimes, girls like other girls “that way.” Sometimes, shows suck, and they get cancelled. One does not necessarily have anything to do with the other. I have never watched Dharma & Greg, and ordinarily that wouldn’t stop me from having an (unfavorable) opinion about it, but for once, I have nothing to say, about the show or about Jenna Elfman. Calista Flockhart’s main talent seems to lie in threatening Julia Roberts’s largest-mouth- in-show-business title, but I don’t have much of an opinion on her either, except that if she wants to wear short skirts, let her. Helen Hunt does not really deserve an Emmy, but if recent awards show history teaches us anything, this means that she will probably win one. And then we have Patricia Richardson, who plays the thankless role of Jill on one of the most egregious examples of pandering sexist tripe in broadcast history, Ode To Tim Allen’s Tiny Penis, also known as Home Improvement. In her role as long-suffering wife and mother, Richardson has shown us a wide and believable acting range, including exasperation at Tim’s obtuseness and chauvinism; anger at Tim’s thoughtlessness and lack of consideration; irritation at Tim’s recklessness and self-centeredness; and disbelief when Tim attempts to wriggle out of yet another boys-will-be-boys fuck-up by offering to install a solar panel in her vibrator. Only if she agrees to demand a backbone for her character should Patricia Richardson receive an Emmy for her role in this show, which has given millions of Americans the idea that testosterone constitutes not only an acceptable excuse for stupid behavior but a divine right to it; that women represent little more than food preparers and conduits to sexual release, and beyond that will only serve to pester and vex men with their silly “feelings”; and that men and women cannot and should not understand one another. Let me put it another way. If they ever cast my mother on that show, Tim would have her foot in his ass in about five minutes. But I think my mother might have better things to do. Pity, that.

Not to sound overly cynical, but does anyone really wonder who will win in the category OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES? Jason Alexander (Seinfeld), Phil Hartman (NewsRadio), David Hyde Pierce (Frasier), Jeffrey Tambor (The Larry Sanders Show), and Rip Torn (The Larry Sanders Show) all received nominations. I’ll give you a hint: entertainment reporters love to use the word “posthumously.” It makes them feel smart.

The category OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES presents more of a challenge in terms of predictions. I haven’t seen Cybill but I hear Christine Baranski rocks. I know for a fact that Kristen Johnston rocks, though I wish the writers of 3rd Rock had had the courage to make her a female instead of a male in a female’s body and then written her character the same way. Mostly, though, Sally Solomon reminds me of me. Thus, she must rock. I like Lisa Kudrow better in movies than in Friends (especially her role in The Opposite Of Sex, which combined all the best Phoebe-isms with bitterness and a brain). And I hope they don’t give the Emmy to Julia Louis-Dreyfus; the woman has lost no opportunity to express her contempt for Seinfeld fans, the other Seinfeld characters, and the press, saying things like “I don’t know why Elaine hangs out with those losers” and “I wish people would stop confusing me with Elaine.” Oh. Well, in the words of Steve Martin, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse us, but if memory serves, without Seinfeld you would still have to take crappy roles on crappy sitcoms about day-care centers, so why don’t you climb up on top of a big old pile of muffin tops and get over yourself?

I don’t have much to say about OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES, either. I don’t watch Homicide so I don’t know if Andre Braugher deserves to win, and I don’t watch NYPD Blue often enough to hazard an opinion on that either. Well, maybe one little opinion, that Dennis Franz should style his hair in such a way that his head does not look like a circumcised penis. I wouldn’t kick David Duchovny out of bed for eating crackers, but he doesn’t have much range (or not that the writing asks him to express). Anthony Edwards shouldn’t win, either, because the whole mean-Dr.-Greene plot line from the last season seemed calculated to garner an Emmy nod, but then again, the ATAS probably won’t give either of the NYPD Blue actors the Emmy since they won’t want to leave the other one out, so maybe Braugher will bring it home in the end.

I think Gillian Anderson has proven to everyone’s satisfaction that she can do “skeptical.” Beyond that, I have doubts that she merits an Emmy for OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES. The entire concept of Touched By An Angel makes me feel, well, touched by salmonella, so I won’t even go there. I have watched Chicago Hope a few times, primarily to feed my huge crush on Peter Berg, and the walking clichÈ of Christine Lahti’s character didn’t exactly impress me – oh gee, off-putting battle-ax career woman misunderstood by male peers, how original – but if Lahti played her as written, I guess she did a good job. Julianna Margulies does a good job too, but alas, I hate her, because in real life she dates my other huge crush, Ron Eldard. Can someone explain to me how Dr. Quinn, Medicine Moron got an Emmy nod? Please? Or should I just take this as yet another sign of the coming apocalypse?

As for OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE IN A VARIETY OR MUSIC PROGRAM, I just don’t understand what these nominees mean. We have Garth Brooks, Michael Crawford, Billy Crystal, Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Tracey Ullman, all nominated for the same category. Huh? How did a big-hat country singer, a Broadway star who makes his living in Las Vegas musical “extravaganzas,” two late-night hosts, a guy who hasn’t made an intelligent career decision since The Legend Of Curley’s Gold and yet still keeps landing the Oscar telecast every year, and Tracey Ullman all wind up in the same division? How do they pick a winner here? Well, I suppose if we rule out the acts that are supposed to be funny but aren’t (Crystal and Leno), and the acts that aren’t supposed to be funny but are (Brooks and Crawford), that leaves us with Letterman and Ullman. Letterman hasn’t done anything original since he bombed on the Oscars, so I would guess Ullman for this one.

Interestingly, Leno doesn’t get a nomination for OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A VARIETY OR MUSIC PROGRAM, probably because, if you listen carefully, you can hear the whips of his writers whistling through the air as they continue to flog the dead horse of Viagra for one more joke. But with Jay’s chin out of contention, the genuine talents of Chris Rock, Dennis Miller, Conan, Letterman, and Mr. Show have to fight it out. I have no idea who will win this category. I haven’t seen The Chris Rock Show but the man rules. So does Conan, who has taken over from Letterman as the cool guy of network late-night in my opinion. I admire Dennis Miller a great deal, but his “rants” seem stagey and canned of late, and that pretentious bottle of Volvic has got to go – if you can’t deliver a three-minute monologue without a swig of water, you might want to consider a career change, cha-cha.

I did not know, before visiting the Emmys web site, that they gave an award for OUTSTANDING HAIRSTYLING FOR A SERIES. I don’t watch either of the Star Trek shows nominated, or Tracey Takes On, but I think Tracey undergoes some pretty insane transformations on her show. Dr. Quinn and Buffy The Vampire Slayer also got nominations. I hope Buffy wins in this category because that girl kicks ass and her hair always looks great. I mean, when I get done shit-stomping the undead, I usually need a hot oil, but not Buffy.

One more note . . . I don’t know how voters will decide on the OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE. How do you choose between Captain Ahab (Patrick Stewart in Moby Dick), Don King (Ving Rhames in Don King: Only In America), Merlin (Sam Neill in Merlin), George Wallace (Gary Sinise in George Wallace), and that old favorite, Juror #8 (Jack Lemmon in 12 Angry Men)?

In fact, how do they even narrow down the selection of shows enough to pick a handful of finalists? See, I would have nominated Jerry Springer for lead actor in a comedy series.

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