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The Vine
The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!
1 Skor vs. 16 Raisinets. This is going to be a bloodbath. Over the past ten years, I’ve come to accept (even love) many foods, but raisins are not one of them. Raisins are disgusting little bits of wizened chewiness that came into being only because some Friar Tuck was too drunk to remember to pick all the grapes. When it comes to Raisinasties, one could argue that sucking the chocolate off and spitballing the withered excuses for fruit across the theatre is a fine way to spend a night at the movies. Except that the chocolate is pretty lousy. The raisin-haters out there are almost as legion as the coconut-haters, and there’s no way a wonderfully snappy chocolate-covered toffee bar is going to lose to shriveled grapes coated in barely acceptable chocolate.
8 Caramello/Caramilk vs. 9 Charleston Chew. I’m guessing that these two are pretty evenly matched. Personally, I’ve only ever had a Charleston Chew once, and the experience didn’t thrill me enough to keep me coming back for more. Meanwhile, I love Caramello, so I’m rooting for those fragile squares of drooly caramel even if you have only one chance in a million of getting a Caramello bar with all squares fully intact.
5 M&Ms vs. 12 Ghirardelli. I’m going to start a war here, but I don’t see the point of plain M&Ms. There’s not enough chocolate in them to matter, and there’s no nuts. I am a peanut M&M girl through and through, in the same way I’m a walnut-brownie girl. Basically, I need the nuts. However, nuts anger a lot of people (and not just anaphylactically, either), which means there are many more M&M fans than peanut M&M fans. This convoluted logic is all by way of saying that while San Francisco-born Ghirardelli makes some damn fine chocolate squares, chips, and cocoa, M&Ms are too classic to lose this round.
4 Mars Bar vs. 13 Special Dark. Oh, Special Dark, how much I once adored you. I’d sift through all the other fun sized-Hershey bars and extract all the Special Darks in their understated wrappers (by comparison, Krackels and Mr. Goodbars seemed like trollops with their loud and larry yellow and orange wrappers), and congratulate myself on having a singular palate at such a young age. Now, however, I can’t stand the chalky, dry bars that remind me of the time I made the mistake of snatching some Baker’s unsweetened chocolate while my mom was making chocolate mousse pies. There are a huge number of dark chocolate fans out there, but since this is a poor example of that genre, I’m pretty sure Mars Bar will take this one handily.
6 Kit Kat vs. 11 Mallo Cup. My mom loves Mallo Cups. I love Mallomars more than any other cookie in existence, so I should love Mallo Cups, and yet? I don’t. They’re the kind of too-hard chocolate that plays fast and stabby with the roof of my mouth, so I’d snarf a crispity-crunch Kit Kat any day. However, Mallo Cups have a long history and a loyal following. People who enjoyed them as the candy of their youth adore them in their adulthood. (Probably because as adults, they can finally eat as much as they want.) Still, did a Mallo Cups theme song ever drive Ed Helms nuts on The Office? I think not. Kit Kat will take this one, but only barely.
3 Mounds/Bounty vs. 14 Joyva. Joyva. Another candy I haven’t had the pleasure of eating. Well, “pleasure” might be overstating it, because I’m not tempted by the description of any of the products. Maybe the East Coast and the coconut-haters will come out in full force to kick Mounds/Bounty right out of the running, but I hope not, because I do adore my coconut candy. This is a really hard one to call, but I’m going to put my money on coconut-haters pushing Joyva ahead and hope I’m wrong. [“I think you are. Joyva is a candy I love, which means its target demo is women ages 80-dead, and also people who hate having adequate saliva.” — Bunting]
7 Hershey Bar vs. 10 Dove. This is going to be tough. I mean, who doesn’t love The Great American Chocolate Bar? On the other hand, plenty of people who loved Hershey in their callow youth moved on to better chocolate, and Dove is definitely an example of that better chocolate. A recapper over at TWOP — I think it was either Jessica or Heathen — once said that Hershey’s smelled like baby vomit. I really did like Hershey Bars until I read that and realized how true it was. Also, I can’t remember the last time I bought a Hershey bar, yet Dr. Mathra regularly buys the Dove minis (milk and dark) and hands them out to his calc students around Halloween. We always get ourselves extra bags and pair them with pumpkin ale because — just go with me on this — it really brings out the pumpkin spice. (Another pairing is pumpkin ale and Chips Ahoy, but that’s another bracket.) So, while Dove may never have a city where you can buy chocolate-scented pencils (yes, I still have them from 5th grade and they are absolutely wonderful and still smell like chocolate), I think it’s a new American classic and will leave Hershey in the dust. Given my own preference, that shouldn’t make me sad, but it really sort of does.
2 100 Grand vs. 15 Toffifay. Full disclosure: I’ve never had a Toffifay, and I couldn’t find any in the Bay Area to sample before writing this up. [“Try a retirement home. Uh, ‘I guess.'” — Bunting] By description, it sounds very close to my adored Caramel Tartlet cookies from Trader Joe’s, but I think you have to be very special to beat 100 Grand. Is Toffifay that special? I wouldn’t be surprised by an upset, but my money (heh) is on 100 Grand.
Well I remember once my beloved tan got trounced I was forced to vote for blue because the other options were pink and purple. Where would we be now if that nonsense had gotten through?
Yes, ok, yes, that is my feeling about marshmallow, too. I was going to say hate, but for all those caveats you mentioned. But chocolate-covered mallow? Peeps? Blech, no.
Wow. Pumpkin dum-dums were a thing? Sorry I missed that.
Tan M&Ms were Teh Evil. I’d rather not think of baby poo while I’m eating my candy, thanks.
I voted for Skor because it’s better than Raisinets (You got raisins in my chocolate! You got chocolate in my raisins! Together they taste GROSS!), but I do acknowledge that Skor is just a poor man’s Heath. If both of those make it, I look forward to Heath taking it’s rightful place in the delicious chocolate-covered toffee pantheon.
I’ve had my snoot in the air about Toffifay since their 70’s commercials: “Toffifay, it’s too good for kids!”
To which I always thought, “Fine, I don’t want to eat your rotten candy anyway.”
Still have no desire to even try one, not even now that I am a Grown Up and completely in charge of my own junk food intake. Never underestimate the power of advertising, my friends, for good or bad.
Oooh, the salty raisin! I love GORP and always end up eating the raisins first because there is something about a salty raisin (insert pause while the raisin-haters go barf). It never occurred to me to cover the whole mess in chocolate, but now I totally will.
I like to pretend that I am not going to eat the whole bag, so I put the M&Ms in a Tupperware-type container. (so as to facilitate longer-term storage without losing freshness, you understand.) And THEN I eat the entire contents of the container. Unless my husband does that first.
Have you ever had a Fruit & Nut bar? I am totally with you on the oatmeal raisin cookies, and I like raisins okay by themselves, but in general cooking raisins make them swell up and get all squooshy and gross.
But for some reason they do NOT get squooshy and gross in the Fruit & Nut bar, and they are surrounded by yummy chocolate and almonds.
i’m pretty sure the British version of Mars (aka Milky Way) is gonna come up on its own in the brackets. But is Kit Kat actually different outside the US?
@Caitlin: Whatever is in the poll, that’s all there is; unless we differentiated between the versions, don’t expect to see the other version later in the tourney.
Excellent point. And you need Hershey bars to make my favorite family cookie, which is a brown sugar shortbread on which you lay HBs while still hot so they melt and you spread them over. Mmmm.
Dove has a nice creamy texture, but the flavor falls fall short of the European chocolates it is attempting to emulate.
I love them too, and I love that you have to collect and send in 500 (FIVE HUNDRED) of the cardboard strips in the package to get, like, a pencil. It’s impossible but I respect the candy for thinking anyone would bother.
I have a knack for becoming obsessed with candies I can’t easily get. Bounty Bars (a fond memory of childhood), which I imported from London by the case before I found out that some NYC bodegas carry them (!) and Mallo Cups, which I stock up on whenever I’m south of the Mason-Dixon line. They’re that good.
I’m sorry to see how underappreciated the chocolate/marshmello/coconut Mallo combo is, but glad to see that Bounty is bringin’ it!
Kit Kats vs. Mallo Cups: ouch. Kit Kats have been a longstanding favorite (always joining peanut butter cups in my “top tier” when sorting my Halloween candy), but I have learned to love the Mallo Cup after I moved from Michigan to Pennsylvania. I was lost in downtown Altoona, made a wrong turn, and BAM! There was the Boyer Brothers candy factory, a perfect place to stop, ask for directions, and score a few factory-fresh Mallo Cups. Fresh Mallow Cups are amazing – creamy and fluffy and yummy. Plus the lady who gave me directions was a peach.
Still voting Kit Kat, thanks to childhood loyalty. But much respect to the Mallo, for their fluffy filling and excellent direction giving.
Everyone feels free to pick on the lonely plain M&M. Without it you would never have your peanut M&Ms, nor the fantastic peanut butter M&Ms or the occasionally nice jumbo mint ones. And yet? by far my favorite is the plain. I’m not anti nut, but the ratio of nut to chocolate in the peanut is far too nut heavy for me. It’s like having a walnut brownie that is 80% walnut .. just eh. And cold (refrigerated preferably, but frozen is acceptable) plain M&Ms with a big cold glass of milk is quite frankly the best thing ever. Ever.
Well, now my keyboard is covered in drool. It was the factory-fresh Mallo Cups what did it…..
I swear there are Toffifays in the Bay Area. I would place pretty good money on the big CVS in Oakland having them. Or that weird 24-hour newsstand on Broadway (also in Oakland, which clearly I refuse to ever leave).
I still don’t know what the hell they are doing with blue M&Ms. Aren’t we pretty much genetically antidisposed (it’s a word!) to blue food? Food isn’t supposed to be that color, especially that weird fake primary color shade of blue. Yeah yeah blueberries, but still.
And if you love Caramellos, I think you will love the Russell Stover Caramel Bar even more. http://candyrecapper.com/caramelbar.html Somebody needs to do a “candy bars nobody’s heard of” bracket one of these days.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a lonely girl in possession of a library card must be in want of a twin. The child who spends a lot of time in books also spends …
Hey. I don’t know what we do now either. I DO know that we’ll need each other going forward, as we always have, for support, mutual aid, and information on where to get high-quality wide-calf …
Well I remember once my beloved tan got trounced I was forced to vote for blue because the other options were pink and purple. Where would we be now if that nonsense had gotten through?
Thanks-it didn’t sound much like halwa, which I love.
Yes, ok, yes, that is my feeling about marshmallow, too. I was going to say hate, but for all those caveats you mentioned. But chocolate-covered mallow? Peeps? Blech, no.
If tan counts as a subset of brown, I bet Van Halen has some left over from their old gigs!
10 months?! Dear lord, woman, GET THAT THING OUT OF YOU
Wow. Pumpkin dum-dums were a thing? Sorry I missed that.
Tan M&Ms were Teh Evil. I’d rather not think of baby poo while I’m eating my candy, thanks.
I voted for Skor because it’s better than Raisinets (You got raisins in my chocolate! You got chocolate in my raisins! Together they taste GROSS!), but I do acknowledge that Skor is just a poor man’s Heath. If both of those make it, I look forward to Heath taking it’s rightful place in the delicious chocolate-covered toffee pantheon.
I’ve had my snoot in the air about Toffifay since their 70’s commercials: “Toffifay, it’s too good for kids!”
To which I always thought, “Fine, I don’t want to eat your rotten candy anyway.”
Still have no desire to even try one, not even now that I am a Grown Up and completely in charge of my own junk food intake. Never underestimate the power of advertising, my friends, for good or bad.
I always thought Hershey’s gave that acrid post-vomit taste in the sinuses, and I’ve smelled my share of baby vomit, so…yeah.
Oooh, the salty raisin! I love GORP and always end up eating the raisins first because there is something about a salty raisin (insert pause while the raisin-haters go barf). It never occurred to me to cover the whole mess in chocolate, but now I totally will.
I like to pretend that I am not going to eat the whole bag, so I put the M&Ms in a Tupperware-type container. (so as to facilitate longer-term storage without losing freshness, you understand.) And THEN I eat the entire contents of the container. Unless my husband does that first.
Have you ever had a Fruit & Nut bar? I am totally with you on the oatmeal raisin cookies, and I like raisins okay by themselves, but in general cooking raisins make them swell up and get all squooshy and gross.
But for some reason they do NOT get squooshy and gross in the Fruit & Nut bar, and they are surrounded by yummy chocolate and almonds.
Yes, yes, yes to the M&Ms/Reese’s Pieces combo. Bulk food stores were created for that sole purpose, as far as I’m concerned.
@Val: totally. These are M&M’s not Smarties, for crying out loud.
i’m pretty sure the British version of Mars (aka Milky Way) is gonna come up on its own in the brackets. But is Kit Kat actually different outside the US?
@Deirdre: See my comments for Flight 1 on that very subject. Keckler may not agree, but I’m on the record there.
@Caitlin: Whatever is in the poll, that’s all there is; unless we differentiated between the versions, don’t expect to see the other version later in the tourney.
Excellent point. And you need Hershey bars to make my favorite family cookie, which is a brown sugar shortbread on which you lay HBs while still hot so they melt and you spread them over. Mmmm.
Dove has a nice creamy texture, but the flavor falls fall short of the European chocolates it is attempting to emulate.
Hershey FTW!
I love them too, and I love that you have to collect and send in 500 (FIVE HUNDRED) of the cardboard strips in the package to get, like, a pencil. It’s impossible but I respect the candy for thinking anyone would bother.
Don’t just shut UP, raisins. Go to hell and burn. Along with licorice and okra and liver.
I eat a Dove chocolate bar, and afterward I either fall asleep or demand a cuddle. Sometimes a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke.
I have a knack for becoming obsessed with candies I can’t easily get. Bounty Bars (a fond memory of childhood), which I imported from London by the case before I found out that some NYC bodegas carry them (!) and Mallo Cups, which I stock up on whenever I’m south of the Mason-Dixon line. They’re that good.
I’m sorry to see how underappreciated the chocolate/marshmello/coconut Mallo combo is, but glad to see that Bounty is bringin’ it!
Kit Kats vs. Mallo Cups: ouch. Kit Kats have been a longstanding favorite (always joining peanut butter cups in my “top tier” when sorting my Halloween candy), but I have learned to love the Mallo Cup after I moved from Michigan to Pennsylvania. I was lost in downtown Altoona, made a wrong turn, and BAM! There was the Boyer Brothers candy factory, a perfect place to stop, ask for directions, and score a few factory-fresh Mallo Cups. Fresh Mallow Cups are amazing – creamy and fluffy and yummy. Plus the lady who gave me directions was a peach.
Still voting Kit Kat, thanks to childhood loyalty. But much respect to the Mallo, for their fluffy filling and excellent direction giving.
Everyone feels free to pick on the lonely plain M&M. Without it you would never have your peanut M&Ms, nor the fantastic peanut butter M&Ms or the occasionally nice jumbo mint ones. And yet? by far my favorite is the plain. I’m not anti nut, but the ratio of nut to chocolate in the peanut is far too nut heavy for me. It’s like having a walnut brownie that is 80% walnut .. just eh. And cold (refrigerated preferably, but frozen is acceptable) plain M&Ms with a big cold glass of milk is quite frankly the best thing ever. Ever.
And I’m still annoyed about the blue.
Well, now my keyboard is covered in drool. It was the factory-fresh Mallo Cups what did it…..
I swear there are Toffifays in the Bay Area. I would place pretty good money on the big CVS in Oakland having them. Or that weird 24-hour newsstand on Broadway (also in Oakland, which clearly I refuse to ever leave).
I still don’t know what the hell they are doing with blue M&Ms. Aren’t we pretty much genetically antidisposed (it’s a word!) to blue food? Food isn’t supposed to be that color, especially that weird fake primary color shade of blue. Yeah yeah blueberries, but still.
And if you love Caramellos, I think you will love the Russell Stover Caramel Bar even more. http://candyrecapper.com/caramelbar.html Somebody needs to do a “candy bars nobody’s heard of” bracket one of these days.