N Cereal AA Round of 64, Flight 1: The Classics
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1 Rice Krispies vs. 16 Post Toasties. Look, you guys. I’m not from your crazy country. You can tell the truth: “Post Toasties” are something Buntsy made up, right? Or, like, lifted out of The Road To Wellville? …They’re real? Well, can you make squares out of them with butter and marshmallows? Thought not. Rice Krispies in a landslide.[“I agree, while resenting the implication.” — Bunting]
8 Wheaties vs. 9 Shredded Wheat. Wheaties has made a pretty smart call by using various sports heroes to distract you from its bland flavour. Shredded Wheat? Really no better, but plays well with a cut-up banana or generous dusting of sugar. Never Eat Shredded Wheat? Shut up, mnemonic for the cardinal compass points. Sometimes eat Shredded Wheat.
5 Corn Flakes vs. 12 Cocoa Krispies. If this were a box art contest — maybe it is, for you — there would be no question which product would be victorious. The Corn Flakes rooster is an iconic brand element and has been for, like, a hundred years. But as for the cereal…ehhhhhh. It gets soggy five seconds after you pour the milk on it. And, again: Cocoa Krispies can be made into squares. Corn Flakes cannot. I’m out.
4 Lucky Charms vs. 13 Kix. “Kid-tested, mother-approved” may seem like an R&D process that represents all relevant stakeholders, but you’ll note that just because kids test Kix does not necessarily mean they approve it. Lucky Charms, on the other hand, are almost certainly neither mother-tested nor -approved. But you know who does approve a cereal with damn marshmallows in it? Me. And, I think, you.
6 Frosted Mini-Wheats vs. 11 Product 19. I’m not so sure how this one will come out, because I’m used to the Canadian version of the Frosted Mini-Wheat, which is vastly superior to its U.S. counterpart. (See also: Corn Pops.) The Canadian M-W has a thicker allotment of frosting, which helps the wheat component to maintain its structural integrity as it sogs up in milk; the frosting on a Yankee M-W, in my experience, just tends to dissolve in milk. Unsatisfying. On the other hand, Product 19 freaks me out because of the Paul Hardcastle song “19.” (“Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nineteen.”) So Mini-Wheats is my pick, under protest.
3 Cheerios vs. 14 Golden Grahams. I sort of feel like it’s regressive of me to throw my support behind a food that has been so thoroughly co-opted by the baby community, but Cheerios are really good. Health benefits aside, their simple oaty goodness blends well with toppings of all sorts. Also, Jacques Torres, downstairs from my office, makes a chocolate-covered version that kicks ass. Golden Grahams can’t compete.
7 Life vs. 10 Special K. It is to laugh. Special K will claim that if you use it as a meal replacement, it will help you to lose weight, though I am here to tell you those results are not experienced among those who eat it with three tablespoons of refined white sugar, without which Special K is blah. Life does suffer from the same sogging problems I’ve been railing against, but each square also comes impregnated with its own layer of delicious sweetness (probably high-fructose corn syrup). And so I say: L’Chaim!
2 Frosted Flakes vs. 15 Total. Whoever writes the ads for Total really likes to emphasize that eating a bowl is like washing down a head of broccoli with a bottle of fish oil capsules, nutrition-wise. And I have to think the cereal tastes just as good as that sounds. On the other hand, Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrrreat!, which is why they will win this matchup.
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Edited to add that Will Edmondson is the awesomest fixer who ever awesomely fixed a bracket.
Tags: food Jacques Torres N Cereal AA
Also, had to mention that in college I checked every box of cereal to try to find one with sugar as the number one ingredient, thinking I’d never find such a thing. But there was one box where sugar was higher in content than even flour- Cap’n Crunch Oops All Berries. If you missed out on this, it was Crunch Berries where they skipped putting in the yellow Cap’n Crunch part of the cereal and just put in nothing but the Crunch Berries. My teeth hurt eating it, but the sugar rush definitely helped me stay up on all nighters.
I cannot be in the same room with someone who is eating Cheerios. Cheerio breath is the worst.
Corn Flakes are awesome. Not only to eat for breakfast, but as a crunchy topping for all manner of chicken and/or vegetable dishes.
The best cereal, really, is Crunchy Corn Bran.
What what whaaaaat?? Cocoa Krispies going down to Corn Flakes? Has the fourth horseman of the apocalypse just arrived? Srsly people, Cocoa Krispies makes the BEST leftover milk. How can the soggy flakes compare? C’mon, fellow Californians…stop pretending that you like Corn Flakes just because they’re (presumably) healthier than Cocoa Krispies. Let your inner child loose, and vote with your heart!
This is a bracket I can get behind! Product 19 has to be one of the worst names for a food product ever.
Golden Grahams are mini graham crackers with a sugar coating. How can something that is almost a cookie and that turns the milk sugary be bad? Do they still make Cookie Crisp? That cereal had no nutritional value at all. Yum!
My problems with Cheerios include: 1) they are soggy. 2) I like to add fruit to cereal except when it’s soggy and you can’t add fruit to Cheerios without a mushy mess. 3) The marketing of cheerios to little kids. My nephews have a book that has little spaces for them to put cheerios into the book as part of the story. They also make these books for M&M’s but M&M’s are above reproach so I take it out on the Cheerios.
Did you hear the story about the woman who took Capn’ Crunch cereal to court because she thought the packaging claimed crunchberries were a fruit?
@ Tashi: I was thinking that “Product 19” sounds like what Ed Wood would name a cereal. lol
Also, Cookie Crisp is awesome – It’s basically just tiny Famous Amos cookies, in milk.
I hope that Yogurt Burst Cheerios make it into this contest. Because they are too awesome for words (the vanilla ones, not the strawberry ones!)
In my youth I was a big fan of Kix without milk. Slightly sweet little crunch balls with more snacky substance to each individual cerealoid than, say, Cheerios.
Nowadays I mix two Trader Joe’s brand cereals together for breakfast every morning — the Honey Nut Cheerios generic, and the “High Fiber O’s.” The fiber ones look like particle board shavings formed into loops, but they don’t really taste like anything, so I don’t notice them when they’re combined with a more flavorful cereal.
Oh man. While I agree that regular Special K is just…blech, the blueberry is seriously one of the most awesome cereals I have ever had. Not only are there awesome blueberry-oat clusters, but each flake has blueberry in it! It is just bite after bite of blueberry goodness. Not quite as good as the dear departed Berry Berry Cheerios, but close.
@K – I LOVE Grape Nuts. It’s my favorite cereal, and I even bring a box to work and buy pint-sized milk for it. Much better than trekking to the cafeteria for runny eggs.
We weren’t allowed very much in the way of sugary cereals, either. Nowadays I buy Marshmallow Mateys, which is basically Lucky Charms but three bucks cheaper. And there’s usually more marshmallows. I also like Cinnamon Toast Crunch (or rather, the generic version), and Honey Nut Cheerios (brand name…the generic is nasty).
Worst cereal? Apple Jacks. Damn, I hated those. And Fruit Loops. Blegh.
Cheerios rule, Golden Grahams drool.
I miss Sugar Smacks. Calling them Honey Smacks does them a real disservice. Can’t wait to get to the Sugar Shock regional!
My early prediction is that a surgary cereal will win. Who has great memories of a healthy cereal that never had toys in it?
Great idea, by the way.
Cereal is not supposed to be chocolate. That’s why Cocoa Krispies isn’t winning. Cereal is cereal; if I want crumbled cookies, I will have them. But chocolate does not go with cereal. It’s like, “Why doesn’t anyone like my chocolate chip hot-dog rolls?”
IT’S WRONG.
What, were’s the Kix peeps? That ceral was the only almost-sugary refuge for kids of healthy-minded parents. I still love them. Plus, they’re like little fishing floats.
Kix represent!
Life has one of the single most iconic commercials of all time — I had to vote for it on the strength of that alone.
And I loved Kix, mostly because they would all float on top of the milk, creating a thick layer of dry cereal on top of a sweet bowl of milk. (Sweet because all the sugar I put on the Kix sank down into the milk and dissolved.)
Golden Grahams is the greatest cereal ever. Indoor S’mores are the best marshmallow cereal squares ever. I am so sad they’re going down at this point:(
Also, corn flakes? really? it’s like eating toasted paper towel bits.
I need a recipe for chocolate covered cheerios now. damn.
OK, I just had to do a web search on Product 19 to check that you North Americans weren’t making it up.
It sounds like something you’d have for breakfast in a dystopian sci-fi movie version of the future where the world is controlled by a totalitarian communist government and everyone has to wear drab grey jumpsuits.
Also, I don’t know what it tastes like, but that name just screams “eh, this product is so bland, we couldn’t even be arsed naming it”. Sorry, these are comments everyone in the US has probably made at some point, but I’m stunned. Product 19
BTW, is there a North American equivalent of the humble but delicious Weet-Bix ( or WeetabIx if you are British. Not only do you get an “a” their version has rounded corners)
I think Weaties would come close but are not in biscuit/block form
http://www.weetbix.com.au/
(and yes, Weet Bix has totally appropriated the Wheaties slogan)
I’m with Linda. While I have a weakness for the more sugary cereals that I wasn’t usually allowed to have as a child, I have never, ever wanted to eat chocolate (or cookie) anything for breakfast. The idea of my cereal-eating resulting in a bowl of chocolate milk makes me vaguely sick to my stomach.
@Lauren: you and I were separated at birth, or something. I am a dry cereal girl all the way (only in recent years have I got around to mixing granola and yogurt) and plain Cheerios remain a fave. We weren’t allowed much in the way of sugary cereals either (except for Quaker Harvest Crunch), and I’d forgotten a lot of the ones in this bracket existed. I’ve definitely not had many of them.
And I had to vote for Cornflakes because they remind me of my dear, departed grandfather.
I NEVER ever eat cereal with milk, which renders the sogginess issue moot. Cheerios rock, and I’ve gotten accustomed to keeping a Van der Beek-sized box around even though my kids have long since mastered the pincer grasp. Grape-Nuts are the devil’s own sidewalk grit. Hate. HAAAATE.
OTOH, if they made a cologne that smelled exactly like Froot Loops, I would so totally wear that. Nothing smells as happy as Froot Loops. Too bad they taste like sugared ass.
Can’t find Post Toasties anymore. OMG. Love.
I’m not overly fond of Frosted Flakes, but Total just annoys the hell out of me. Who needs 100% of anything, first thing in the morning?
@Alexis ITA on the Berry Berry Kix love. Do they still make it? I’ve been looking for it in my local grocery store for the last few months, and they don’t seem to carry it.
My great cereal story was a time in my 20’s when I was visiting my brother before he got married. He had Berry Berry Kix, and after the 2nd morning I was like “holy cow, this is the best cereal evah!” Then on the 4th morning, I realized that brother only buys whole milk, and I was a 1% drinker at the time. So I have to admit that my love of BBK may be colored by the wonderful fat content of the milk.
“a Van der Beek-sized box”
HA! Classic.
I was always popular at breakfast as a kid (and, in college, all meals included cereal, so then, too) because I gave away all of the too-sweet parts of my cereal. Marshmallows? Too squeaky on my teeth. Crunchberries? Too indefinably gross. I’d also trade my icing for more parts of actual cake, whipped cream for the top of the pie crust, a maraschino cherry for an orange slice, etc. So anyone who likes sweets, come sit next to me for good old-fashioned lunchbox trading.
My favorite cereal as a kid? “I I love love double double chex chex, better better than than the the rest rest.” It tasted fine, but my obsession with the jingle got me out of going to the grocery store with my mom.
Just wanted to say I love this, lol. I’m hurt to see Mini=Wheats constructed differently in US… in Canada its AWESOME especially with the Maple flavour (probably Canada only). Mini-wheats also had this seriously catchy jingle (again likely only in Canada) – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1YcgDIO3J0
So, I notice that sogginess (or rather, a cereal’s propensity to become soggy) is playing a big role in the voting. Am I the only one that LIKES some cereal soggy? Frosted mini-wheats and Life are awesome at a medium level of mush.
Product 19, which I admit has maybe the worst name in all of cereal, is actually kind of good. As someone else noted, it’s nice and crunchy. It’s not insipid the way Corn Flakes can be. It’s wheatier. It’s heartier. It stands up in milk better. It’s not sweet, so if you like your cereal sweet, you’d like it better with a sprinkle of sugar or some fruit. But it’s a perfectly tasty grown-up cereal. It doesn’t taste like Apple Jacks, but it’s not made of solid sugar, either. I never thought much about the name, because I grew up with it. It’s only now that I think, “That name is really wretched.”
I can’t believe plain ol’ Cheerios is beating Golden Grahams! It’s graham cracker goodness people! I have been a long time loather of Cheerios of all flavors. And yes, I agree with everyone who complains about the horror that is “Cheerio breath”.
But I confess a few months ago my god daughters brought over a box of something new called Banana Nut Cheerios; I had a bowl and they were kind of delicious. So ashamed…
Okay, I’m American and I didn’t even know Post Toastie’s existed. Also, Product 19? I have no idea what that is! Clearly, I live a very sheltered life.
I absolutely HATE Wheaties and think it smells like wet dog when covered in milk.
Cereal should, in fact, be chocolate. Everything should be chocolate.
Okay, so you don’t want it first thing in the morning – don’t EAT it then. Make Cocoa Rice Krispy Treats. Eat Count Chocula as a snack. No one said we were judging these cereals strictly based on their breakfast potential.
I don’t know whether to sympathize with all you people who weren’t allowed sweet cereals and thus don’t know the joy of turning the milk chocolate, or just stare at you with deep mistrust.
I guess I got told. That Kix lobby is powerful! I’m just gonna come out and say I ate a LOT of Product 19 as a kid, most of it in a dish I made up that now offends my aesthetics. But I was in a dieting household–for a treat, I would eat one of my mom’s Pillsbury Figurines. As I got older and exercised more consumer power, I went right to the Cookie Crisp. It was my favorite for years.
Holy smokes, Sam–y’all have MAPLE Mini-Wheats? I’m packing up the car right now.
It’s nice to see that I wasn’t the only one deprived of sugar cereals as a kid (and that I’m not the only Delaware voter!). My brothers and I were only allowed to have them once a year, when we could each pick any box of cereal we wanted for our annual beach trip. THAT grocery run took forever. I think I put more thought into which cereal I would bring with me on one of our trips than I did when I got my tattoo.
I do feel a bit sorry for the “healthy” cereals in this bracket. How does Kix stand a chance against Lucky Charms?
And while I am generally not a chocolate breakfast cereal person (that Special K with Chocolate that you are supposed to eat instead of, I don’t know, a pint of ice cream? Gross), I have to say that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup cereal is made of awesome.
I just realized that I totally forgot to give some love to Fruity Pebbles. They’re so good. I never got to have them when I was little (I don’t know why… I got all the other sugary cereal… my dad must not have liked them or something. lol) but as an adult, I love them. On the rare occasions that we get some cereal at the store (we don’t eat breakfast at home) I always either get Fruity Pebbles, or Frosted Flakes, or Yogurt Burst Cheerios. And I always have a bowl as soon as we get home.
@Linda – It may be wrong but it is delicious. Especially if you are as addicted to sugar as I am. :)
I have to believe Product 19’s name came out of that social-hygiene-film-era tendency to make every product try to sound more space-age and science-y, but it was introduced in 1967, by which time I feel like the effort to associate mundane household products with zero gravity had been abandoned.
Oooh! Does anyone remember the Strawberry Shortcake cereal back in the 80’s? Like, Strawberry Shortcake, as in, the doll?
http://www.inthe80s.com/food/strawberryshortcakecereal0.shtml
I LOVED Strawberry Shortcake and wanted everything ever made that involved her or her friends. So, I HAD to have some of that cereal. OMG, it was SO gross. But, I HAD to eat it, or I wouldn’t be awesome like Strawberry Shortcake was!
I found that if you ate it dry, as a snack, it was pretty good. But when you added milk, it turned into ass.
“What, were’s the Kix peeps? That ceral was the only almost-sugary refuge for kids of healthy-minded parents. I still love them. Plus, they’re like little fishing floats.”
@Seth- YES!! You and I could be bestest friends. My parents wouldn’t allow sweet cereals in the house (and I never even knew you could ADD sugar to cereal until I spent the night at a friend’s house!), but we could have Kix. I ate a TON of Kix growing up and it still has a special place in my heart.
I have to side with Cath – with two exceptions, I’m coming down on the side of non-sugary cereals. Y’all can keep your chocolate and frosting and waffles and whatnot. That said, there’s nothing like turning the roof of your mouth into hamburger with Cap’n Crunch.
@Jaybird & @Sam – the maple Mini Wheats are awesome! They almost make up for the discontinuation of the maple Shreddies…almost.
It’s interesting to me how so many people weren’t allowed sugar cereals as kids – I thought it was just my killjoy parents. I wasn’t either (though apparently the 3 heaping teaspoons of sugar on my Shreddies was OK – go, parental logic!), and so I looked forward every year to the 2 weeks we went to the cottage primarily because my mum would buy those single-serve Kellogg’s boxes in the sugar varieties. We were allowed 1 per day, and there were fights & major bargaining for the Froot Loops. Sleepovers at my friends’ homes introduced me to Count Chocula, Cocoa Krispies & Cookie Crisp – chocolate heaven. I swore that when I was a grown-up, I’d eat nothing but chocolate cereals, just because no-one could tell me not to.
And yet, I don’t really prefer the kids’ sweet cereals now – my kitchen contains maple Mini-Wheats, Vector and Kashi Go Lean. I do, however, buy Count Chocula when I can find it and eat it dry in front of the TV, trying to convince myself that because it’s cereal, it’s healthier than snarfing a bag of potato chips. Conscious self-delusion can be so convenient.
@Sarah D. Bunting – agree, and yet Tang was shilled as “astronauts drink this!” until well into the ’70s, and some ads for Omega watches still blap on about Neil Armstrong. Some products just can’t get past the point they peaked at – maybe Product 19 is one of those.
“Am I the only one that LIKES some cereal soggy? Frosted mini-wheats and Life are awesome at a medium level of mush.”
@Audrey: I cannot stand soggy cereal. I have texture issues with food overall – my bananas have to be a little green, I hate cooked spinach because it’s mushy … anything too mushy, I cannot do (mashed potatoes are an exception). So the soggy quotient plays a big role in my cereal selection. Smart Start is a cereal that holds up well with milk. Same with Grape-Nuts. Cracklin’ Oat Bran was, like, made of steel. If I do eat Cheerios, I eat them very fast so they don’t have time to get soggy, or I eat them dry.
Dude, Wing, you’re using chocolate-covered Cheerios as an argument against Golden Grahams. This means that you have never had chocolate-covered Golden Grahams, and that’s just sad! Add some marshmallows, and you have s’mores in a bowl. It’s not very breakfasty, but it is frickin’ amazing.
We have yet to discuss Honeycombs here. I lived on those in college. Cheaper than Golden Grahams, and almost as tasty…not too over-sugared like the Cap’n Crunch type cereals. They’re not small (no no no!), so they make a great, satisfying mouth-filling dry snack.
I am a mom, and I thoroughly approve of Lucky Charms: The World’s Greatest Food. I very rarely share them with my children, though, so I can’t really call them “kid-tested” around here.
@Jaybird Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Froot Loops smell wonderful and I completely agree with your cologne comment, having made the exact same comment many a time.
I take umbrage, however, with your contention that “they taste like sugared ass.” They are (vaguely) fruity-tasting nirvana.
Product 19 sounds like a Rambaldi artifcat on Alias.
You know, I’m pretty sure they have Maple Brown Sugar MiniWheats here in the US. I bought a box once, focusing only on the “Brown Sugar” part of the name and was quite shocked to find that they tasted totally like syrup. Not my cup of tea, but they do exist.
Or did.
The thing with Lucky Charms is that even if you like marshmallows, the “marshmallows” in that box are not worthy of the name. They’re hard and chalky — they remind me of the candy that grandmothers hand out, that looks like it was squeezed out of a tube and then cut into half-inch pieces with scissors, with a faintly minty taste. Bleh.
I was among the masses that were not allowed sugary cereals as a kid, but I think it had the opposite effect on me. Now I can’t stand them. Fruit Loops are easily the grossest thing on the planet. Actually, I remember when we used to rent a house at the shore for a week in the summer, my mom would buy the little variety packs, so we were allowed to eat whatever sugary stuff came in those, but that was it. But even then, I wasn’t a fan of the real sweet ones. And I love sugar, so I don’t know what that was about. The sweetest I go is Raisin Bran, Honey Nut Cheerios and Frosted Mini Wheats (which I don’t count as a sugary cereal for some reason; possibly because they’re not marketed with a cartoon character).
I did discover in my adulthood the Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs cereal, which is AWESOME, but I eat it as a snack in front of the TV. Which doesn’t make it any healthier for you, but in my brain there’s a difference between doing that and having it first thing in the morning.
Oh, Tarn, Honeycomb is AWESOME, I lived on it in college. It’s coming!
Product 19 is a stupid name but a pretty darned good cereal if you’re looking for an actual food group for breakfast.