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1 Rice Krispies vs. 16 Post Toasties. Look, you guys. I’m not from your crazy country. You can tell the truth: “Post Toasties” are something Buntsy made up, right? Or, like, lifted out of The Road To Wellville? …They’re real? Well, can you make squares out of them with butter and marshmallows? Thought not. Rice Krispies in a landslide.[“I agree, while resenting the implication.” — Bunting]

8 Wheaties vs. 9 Shredded Wheat. Wheaties has made a pretty smart call by using various sports heroes to distract you from its bland flavour. Shredded Wheat? Really no better, but plays well with a cut-up banana or generous dusting of sugar. Never Eat Shredded Wheat? Shut up, mnemonic for the cardinal compass points. Sometimes eat Shredded Wheat.

5 Corn Flakes vs. 12 Cocoa Krispies. If this were a box art contest — maybe it is, for you — there would be no question which product would be victorious. The Corn Flakes rooster is an iconic brand element and has been for, like, a hundred years. But as for the cereal…ehhhhhh. It gets soggy five seconds after you pour the milk on it. And, again: Cocoa Krispies can be made into squares. Corn Flakes cannot. I’m out.

4 Lucky Charms vs. 13 Kix. “Kid-tested, mother-approved” may seem like an R&D process that represents all relevant stakeholders, but you’ll note that just because kids test Kix does not necessarily mean they approve it. Lucky Charms, on the other hand, are almost certainly neither mother-tested nor -approved. But you know who does approve a cereal with damn marshmallows in it? Me. And, I think, you.

6 Frosted Mini-Wheats vs. 11 Product 19. I’m not so sure how this one will come out, because I’m used to the Canadian version of the Frosted Mini-Wheat, which is vastly superior to its U.S. counterpart. (See also: Corn Pops.) The Canadian M-W has a thicker allotment of frosting, which helps the wheat component to maintain its structural integrity as it sogs up in milk; the frosting on a Yankee M-W, in my experience, just tends to dissolve in milk. Unsatisfying. On the other hand, Product 19 freaks me out because of the Paul Hardcastle song “19.” (“Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nineteen.”) So Mini-Wheats is my pick, under protest.

3 Cheerios vs. 14 Golden Grahams. I sort of feel like it’s regressive of me to throw my support behind a food that has been so thoroughly co-opted by the baby community, but Cheerios are really good. Health benefits aside, their simple oaty goodness blends well with toppings of all sorts. Also, Jacques Torres, downstairs from my office, makes a chocolate-covered version that kicks ass. Golden Grahams can’t compete.

7 Life vs. 10 Special K. It is to laugh. Special K will claim that if you use it as a meal replacement, it will help you to lose weight, though I am here to tell you those results are not experienced among those who eat it with three tablespoons of refined white sugar, without which Special K is blah. Life does suffer from the same sogging problems I’ve been railing against, but each square also comes impregnated with its own layer of delicious sweetness (probably high-fructose corn syrup). And so I say: L’Chaim!

2 Frosted Flakes vs. 15 Total. Whoever writes the ads for Total really likes to emphasize that eating a bowl is like washing down a head of broccoli with a bottle of fish oil capsules, nutrition-wise. And I have to think the cereal tastes just as good as that sounds. On the other hand, Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrrreat!, which is why they will win this matchup.

by Tara Ariano

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Edited to add that Will Edmondson is the awesomest fixer who ever awesomely fixed a bracket.

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