Wait, I was wrong, Cheez-Its and Goldfish aficionados — those aren’t the indistinguishable two, it’s Cheez-Its and Cheese Nips that are carbon cracker copies of one another.

Fun fact: in old timey speak, “cheese it” means to run away, or, alternatively to shut up. This is something I learned reading every copy of P.G. Wodehouse available on the planet and watching Timothy Hutton in Nero Wolfe Mysteries. Example 1: “Cheese it, boys, the po-po is coming!” Example 2: “Cheese it with your Blacklist spoilers!”

If there is any justice in this world, Triscuits come out on top. However, I will admit to being slightly concerned about how many of you have excessively tender mouth roofs. You all should get that checked out, because it probably means you’re having a stroke. — Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic

*****

I must confess that the second semifinal isn’t very exciting for me. I could probably live without any of these — except Cheese Nips, which gets my vote, but only in an “I guess?” way.

But I can’t tell whether Nips will win out over sentimental favorites like oyster crackers (essential for chowder) and Triscuits (functionally the only cracker of my childhood). Carr’s Water is a long shot despite its flexibility. Do saltines have a chance? I think they do. But I think it’s Nips in the final. — Sarah D. Bunting

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