NCheeseAA Round Of 64: The Grocery Draw
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9 Port Wine spread vs. 15 Government cheese. The Velveetoid brick of government-issue “cheese food” does have its (somewhat embarrassed) adherents, who, since it’s an anonymous internet poll, will no doubt rally to its defense, but in the end, I predict that the orange-and-maroon tox-in-a-Parkay-cup Port Wine spread wins this budget face-off without much trouble.
16 Cheese curds vs. 5 Boursin. Ah, the Midwesterners out there will rally hard for the orange and squeaky State Fair food that is the curd. Peeps north of Minnesota will also cheer on the necessary ingredient to that odd and awesome fries-and-gravy dish known as poutine, but is it enough? I don’t know. French-invented Boursin has been a cheese-plate staple since the ’60s and probably has seen quite a few glasses of Lancers in its herbed heyday. Moreover, Boursin is highly addictive, stuffs mushrooms fantastically, and is a picnic necessity. Cheese curds might be enjoying a boost due to retro appeal, but Boursin is the tortoise that will steadily bring this win home.
4 Bon Bel/Baby Bel vs. 13 EZ Cheez. Novelty cheeses: ffffight! Heh. Looking at this pair now, we might have mis-ranked them — the outcome really depends on how kitschy voters feel once we’ve rolled out the polls, but EZ Cheez could have a better chance than we thought. What EZ Cheez does not have is a wax shell, which can be reshaped and stuck to various surfaces in the home (preferably ceilings) for exasperated parents to discover hours later. It’s not a bad cheese, either. Bon/Baby Bel, by a good margin.
14 Kraft Parmesan vs. 8 Cream cheese. Hmm: powdered “cheese” versus cream? Wow, toughie. Back in the day when it’s all we had, that green can dumped on everything — from mom’s spaghetti to Beck’s pizza, there it sat, dry, unmelting, grainy, and did I mention dry? Given the options out there today, it’s hard to fathom voluntarily choosing to go the powdered-cheese route. It’s even harder to comprehend how the dry could ever beat out the creamy versatility that is a silver block of cream cheese. Whether you cheesecake it, bagel it, or drag Day-Glo Doritos over it, cream cheese has this one in the hopper.
11 Kraft Singles vs. 6 Polly-O String Cheese. Grilled-cheese purists could plant an unexpected flag for Kraft here. Both cheeses are overprocessed and overpackaged, but Polly-O is the superior snack…and is an actual cheese. I think it’s Polly-O for the win, but a Singles victory wouldn’t surprise me.
12 Soy cheese vs. 2 Gouda. Soy-based “dairy” products have made gigantic strides in the last ten years, and the gritty, soil-y quality once typical of dairy substitutes is no longer a problem. The fact that soy cheese is not a full-fat dairy product, and therefore does not have much of a taste, remains an issue, however, and besides, Gouda is the Leno of the draw. It’s predictable, it’s unthreatening, it’s middle-of-the-road, it wins its time slot every night. Gouda is a final-four threat for sure; soy cheese is cannon fodder regardless of the match-up. Unless we see an influx of vegan contrarians, it’s Gouda in a landslide.
7 Chèvre vs. 1 Vermont Cheddar. We’ll just skip over the debate about whether the wetter, wax-wrapped, American cousin to my beloved bandaged-wrapped is even cheddar, and jump right into the match-up, ‘kay? Like good ol’ Parm, chèvre is a kitchen staple. It dresses up beets, peaches, tomatoes, and nearly any salad. Bubbling and baked crusty with a tomato sauce, the fresh and tangy goat cheese is creamy comfort food. But compared to the puritanical Vt. Cheddar, it’s new and upstarty, and once again, it’s got the baa-baa factor working against it for the goataphobes out there. Loath as I am to admit it, Vermont Cheddar has it in the bring-from-home-to-save-the-universe canvas bag.
10 Edam vs. 3 Monterey Jack. Ah, Edam: “the other Dutch cheese.” Much more forgettable than its sharp sister, Edam can’t hold a popularity candle to the smooth cheese that Monterey, CA monks were busy making in the 1800s. More points in Monty Jack’s favor: it comes in a zesty range of flavors, and melts with supreme ease over Triscuits and quesadillas alike. Hopped up on jalapeño, Monty tells Edam to “eat it with relish!” all the way to the finish line.
Tags: food
If loving Port Wine “cheese” is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Well, I am due to have a child in June, and since most of these cheeses are verboten to me (damn you listeria!) I was at least somewhat mollified to root for my favorites. Rock Chalk Baby Bel!!!!
Where do you even find government cheese?
Hee! Soy cheese is getting its ass kicked. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTIONS.
I’m a definite cheese lover who lived in England for 7 years – moved back the US about 6 months ago. I have to put a word in for English cheddar – major yum! But I’m confused and intrigued about the bandage wrapping. What is that exactly? I’m used to cheese wrapped in a soft waxed paper.
Sorry, I just can’t go with the flow on the Kraft Singles vs. Polly-O question. Once you’ve had the *real* string cheese that comes in a big figure-8 twist you can spend the day unravelling, you can’t go back. Plus, Kraft Singles go with everything. Baloney & Kraft rollups … turkey & Kraft … Lettuce & Kraft … Kraft between two slices of squishy white bread, squashed up & kneaded together to make a delightful cheesy edible Play-Doh … yes, I like to play with my cheese.
This battle is making me laugh. What a great idea!
Man, I want some Havarti right now.
And I’m so glad I’m not the only one who does strange things with the wax from the baby bels…(I sculpt little animals, usually.)
@ Judith: Heh, it’s a staple when you go backpacking up in the MN Boundary Waters. It was my favorite thing about Camp Widjiwagan trail lunches.
It doesn’t matter what anybody says Government Cheese kicks butt… Nothin like a grilled govament cheese samich.
Keckler, I have some friends who went to Widji! MN represent!
EZ Cheez and Triscuits was my camp staple, and now I can barely look at the stuff. I voted for it out of nostalgia, anyway.
Thanks. I will now be thinking “Gouda is good-a” obsessively and unpleasantly for the rest of the day.
Also, might I add that I live in the tiniest Southwestern town that ever was? And that around here, your options are Kraft singles, Kraft cheddar, generic cheddar, or parm-in-a-can? And that I am now DYING for something involving triple cream and minimal to nonexistent pasteurization? This whole thing could ruin me, I tell you.
I could eat Port Wine cheese spread like Ben & Jerry’s.
Aaah, government cheese. I dont *think* we ever had it at our house when I was growing up, but my grandma definitely did and I adored it. I think I recall asking my mom once or twice about where we could get “that cheese in the brown box” for our house. If I ate it now I might feel differently, but I sure do have some fond memories of that cheese.
Although usually my cheese-eating standards are a bit higher, I do have to give the love to Kraft singles. However, it’s very important that if you are going to eat highly processed single-slice cheese, it can *only* be Kraft. Any other brand (especially store brand) really just tastes like slightly-cheese-flavored rubber. Disgusting.
For Sara & all others out of reach of easy cheesy goodness:
As always, it’s Amazon to the rescue! http://tinyurl.com/5kjwso Jeff Bezos = my hero.
Then if you join FreeShipping.com, you can get most of your shipping back, too.
The fact that Amazon has “Used and New” listed for each cheese is a little worrying, though.
Mmm, gouda. True story: I loved gouda before I ever even tried it.
Long ago, when Dave Thomas was still alive and doing his own commercials for Wendy’s, they had an inane one about how he was having trouble deciding which cheese to use for his new cheeseburger. So they showed people *picketing* outside his house, each lobbying for their own favorite cheese. One of the signs said “Goody Gouda!” and I’ve loved it ever since.
People who didn’t vote for curd have never eaten it straight from the vat – warm, squeaky, and DELISH. Yum.
Phoo! Now I can’t find where it said New or Used for cheeses. I could swear I saw an Amazon screen that had New or Used links. Of course, when you clicked them, there were 0 used for sale, but still.
I haven’t found a better “sandwich cheese” than Kraft American Singles.
See, when you’re making a sandwich, cheese is basically a garnish; a flavoring or a condiment. So you want something that adds a basic idea of taste, but not too much–you want the sandwich to work as an ensemble, so an overpowering strongly-flavored cheese will imbalance it, and there’s no point in using an exceptionally-flavored cheese because the rest of the sandwich will drown out the subtleties. You just want something cheesey. And with grilled cheese, you need the synthetic “carrier” to keep the cheese product from scorching.
Man, the one “cheese” that I can vote for is being crushed even more soundly than limburger. Go Veganrella!
@Density Duck: For non-meat-eaters like myself, the mileage there will vary (I have more problems balancing the onion ratio), but when the sandwich is always a cheese sandwich, the more exceptional the cheese, the better. Otherwise you’re just chewing. I’m actually a big fan of bland foods — Glark teases me for this — but not all the time.
I have to admit, even though I am a vegetarian I think soy cheese sucks and gov’ment cheese brings back happy childhood memories.
Having had actually to eat government cheese as a child, I can attest that the stuff the government handed out from the back of the food trucks was a superior product to ‘veeta. It was more like deli-version American cheese. “Veeta has a wobbly, plasticky texture.
I had some very nice squeaky cheese curds a while back, but Boursin is (second to Brie) crack in cheese form!
And yeah…soy cheese…neh. Even as an almost-vegan, I brake for real cheese.
I have yet to find anything as conducive to a childhood flashback as slices of plastic cheese (the family name for Kraft singles) and a sleeve of Zesta. Whoever was responsible for 1 slice of that cheese having the same surface area as 4 crackers, I salute you.
As someone with IBS who cannot eat any real cheese anymore, I had to stand up for soy cheese. Last night I made Cheddar Bay biscuits with soy cheddar, and the flavor was just as good.
It’s going to be slaughtered, but I’m just glad it made the list at all.
Oh also – soy cheese is a horror show, but a few years ago I visited my mom while she was on a really hardcore diet and was eating rice cheese. I tried a little, and I have to say that it wasn’t so bad. I don’t remember who it was made by, though; I’m sure some brands are better than others.
Voted for soy on principle, but the results made me cry. Too bad we couldn’t have specified a brand, because, yeah, some taste WAAAAYYYY better than others. I’m not supposed to have cow’s milk so yes I know–I’ve tried many non-dairy cheeses. And I know it’s the luck of the draw, or in this case the bad luck, but s0y against gouda was just unfair–like pitting a baby against a sumo wrestler.
EZCheez is awesome, but… will it blend?! http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=ezcheese
Ok, I just saw this video, but it made me think of you :) (well, of the bracket, anyway)