No Thank You, Ma’am. No Thank You Ver’ Much.
“They sell pugs in SkyMall now? Sweet! …Oh. Boo.”
Doing a piece on the unnecessary — nay, outright wrong — shit in the SkyMall catalog is one step behind “what’s the deal with airline peanuts” in the hackolutionary chain. Worse, even, since that legume once so inextricable from plane travel isn’t served on planes at all anymore; the closest you’ll get is a flight attendant talking about how her son is violently allergic to them, as one did on my outgoing flight.
But the SkyMall catalog hasn’t changed: the crap that isn’t utterly inessential and/or overpriced is out-and-out nuts, and pointing that out is about as original as a conversation about the weather, but I don’t care, because Alive™ Elvis is seriously, seriously fucked up and I can’t carry the burden of it alone.
First of all, dig the picture of A.E. on the SkyMall homepage. It looks more like a Baldwin — one of the younger ones — than like a Presley; the nose is all wrong. But it’s miles closer than the pic on the product page. The attempt at Elvis’s patented sneer lands squarely in “sucking a corn-on-the-cob fragment from between two front teeth” territory instead. The eyebrows are too ladylike; the hair and sideburns are both wrong. It’s uncharitable, I suppose, to say they’re creepily doll-like, given that the A.E. is a doll, but the catalog copy invites purchasers to “touch his soft hair and sideburns, stroke his skin, feel his black leather jacket, look into his clear baby blues, and marvel as his lips for their distinctive ‘curl’ before he sings in that soulful voice.” But the hair will feel like doll hair always does — glassine and cold, dangerous to leave near a radiator or open flame. And the sideburns look like those brushes you use to get dog poo out of your shoe treads.
The A.E. has a karaoke function, so I suppose it’s not entirely without purpose. For $300, though, it should look a little less like it took an unplanned fork in the assembly line at the American Girl factory. Do manufacturers of this icky sort of Presley-iana assume that his biggest fans will cheerfully accept grossly inexact copies of their idol because…they do? Because that famous Elvis lamp base, or the Franklin Mint plate set, is good enough for them? It seems to me like Elvis’s appeal is his realness — his country-folks-made-good-ness, his sweaty unpolished herking around onstage in the early years and his larded drugged-up forgetfulness at the end. He had greasy dyed hair (pronounced in the style of my grandma: “greezy”) and wore eye make-up and actually couldn’t sing all that well, but he felt the hell out of it; it’s why people loved him, gave him a chance. To turn him into this wall-eyed thing that goes in the center of the mantel with the collection dolls, it misses the point.
What I really can’t explain, though, is why I found the Alive™ Elvis so Deeply™ Icky, but the eighteen-inch-tall Freddie Mercury Figure gave me a pre-Christmas thrill. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s sandwiched between Pirates of the Caribbean figurines; maybe it’s the fact that Freddie Mercury is rad. But it looks like $45 well spent to me.
Less so: the Toscano series of garden sculptures and furniture. I can understand the instinct to post New York Public Library lions along the entrance to one’s driveway; I wouldn’t give into it, but I can understand it. But…Big Foot? The “Mademoiselle Haute Couture” floor lamp? The Basho The Sumo Wrestler coffee table, which will compel some unfortunate guests to look up Basho’s butt for the duration of cocktails? I don’t come from the classiest tribe of people who ever lived, but I don’t know anyone who decorates in High “Frah-Jee-Lay — Must Be Italian” Style. Or who owns CD-ROMs at all anymore, much less stores them in a burial container.
Now, a Freddie Mercury CD-ROM holder…that’s a different story altogether.
Tags: retail travel
Yes, Big Foot. Don’t be so quick to judge. I think it would be quite nice out in the yard. Not that I have one, or anything. Not that it’s nestled in a shady part of the front flowerbed, startling unsuspecting visitors when they glance a bit to the right of the front door.
It’s hysterical that you posted this now, since Alive Elvis gave me the creeps just last night on a flight out of O’Hare. Man, that thig is fugly/scary/wrong. Gah.
On the other hand, SkyMall does entertain my husband and I for at least the first 30 minutes of a flight with “Oh my God, look at *this*” comments back and forth.
They have one of those Elvises here at my office. And it scares the beejezus out of me on pretty much a daily basis. I know it’s fake. I know where it sits. Yet without fail I walk by it, minding my own business, nose in some file, on my merry way from the printer back to my desk, and HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? Oh, right. That freaky Elvis head.
My favorite nearly useless thing is the hotdog toaster: http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102557542&c=
Ok, the Freddie Mercury thing is fucking awesome. I also must confess that I sort of find “Big Foot the Garden Yeti” kinda awesome too. I kinda want one.
Oh, and for Elvis… the “WowWee Chimpanzee Alive Animatronic Life Like Chimp Robot Monkey with Remote”
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000E1KIAC
is way creepier!
If it were in my budget, I know who I’d be buying that Freddie Mercury for this holiday season.
I ADORE SkyMall. Even when I’m a frequent flyer, my trip must begin with a perusal of the inflight magazine and a thorough browsing of SkyMall. A friend brought one back for me from her most recent trip… which isn’t *quite* the same, but at least gives me some fallback amusement.
I’m just sad for the good people of Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico. According to those listings, the Bigfoot, Sumo table, etc, are not available for delivery to those far off lands.
He looks more like kd lang than elvis. Not fair to kd but it’s not her fault. They made the cheeks too hollow and the chin is too sharp
http://tinyurl.com/yynh7v
This was on BoingBoing a while ago. SkyMaul, a parody of the SkyMall magazine. Firefox can’t find the server right now, but hopefully that’s a temporary thing.
Aww, I was just saying to my fiance last night that we need to order that step-stair thing for our kitty cat. We were making fun of the step-stair thing (and many other tiems) when we were reading the Sky Mall on our flight a few weeks ago, but now that the kitty is stuck in one of those giant plastic headcones for the next 3 weeks following face surgery, he’s having a a tough time jumping up into bed. I should also probably go ahead and order that robot shark while I’m at it. Just for kicks.
@Susie, I can’t even begin to imagine why one of those Elvises (Elvi?) at your office. I’m sure it would freak me out as well. At my parents’ house, my stepfather had this ceramic bust of Elvis that contained booze, and for a long time it was on top of a shelf at the bottom of our stairs. Inevitably, every few days when I’d go down the dark staircase I’d find this porcelain faced Elvis staring straight at me at eye level. Yikes!
Hee, Christmas Story references always make me grin. Thanks for that!
From the Basho page:
“Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances.”
Oh, SkyMall. Clever, clever SkyMall. Who’s got a disgruntled copywriter? You do!
Theotherkate,
I looked at SkyMaul and died. Thank you for the antidote to SkyMall.
Sars,
When I first saw SkyMall on a flight, I swore it was a gag gift magazine some passenger left behind. To my shock and fascinated horror I learned otherwise.
Wow.
But, yeah–I’d have Freddie in my house too, fulfilling a long-standing fantasy of mine about having iconic or attractive men 11.5 to 18 inches tall on a shelf in my house…And no, I don’t think it’s strange or a little classic Twilight Zone-y…why do you ask?
It says ‘Elvis’ but I’m seeing ‘Andrew Dice Clay’.
MAN. One look at that terminally creepy AE face and I yoinked back in my chair like the Joaquin Phoenix character during the kid’s birthday scene in “Signs”. That…that ain’t right.
I never thought Elvis’s appeal lay in his realness; it seemed to me that people loved him b/c he had come from nothing and had managed to amass something of a fortune in both money and fame. A tacky fortune, and one ripe for parody, but a fortune all the same. And also, his big old lips.
There’s a creepy guy in Cleveland who runs these awful and unintentionally (probably) hilarious local late night commercial spots for his furniture store featuring those mademoiselle lamps.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztzPlgm_S4w
I have to admit I want the wall-sized crossword puzzle. But I’m not exactly high-class.
The “Mademoiselle Haute Couture” floor lamp? The Basho The Sumo Wrestler coffee table
HA! On a flight back from DC Sunday night I ran out of reading material and proceeded to annoy my husband for the rest of the hour by pointing out the most insane things in SkyMall. That lamp and that tables were very high on my list, I think I stared at the two versions of the table for about 3 minutes. Amazing. Who would ever buy that?
Continental still serves peanuts! Or at least, the flight I took on Saturday morning did.
But I think I might have accidentally gotten on a plane in a timewarp from the 80s. We got peanuts and drinks, as well as an actual breakfast. In coach! Going from DFW to Newark, which is only 3 hours flying time. Instead of having to pay $5 for a bag of M&Ms, like on other airlines, we got cereal and bananas and OJ and the little bags of peanuts.
Of course, the flight was delayed for 5 hours, but still: peanuts! fruit! cereal for lunch!
And then I watched the little old lady across the aisle stuff 3 blankets, a pillow and a skymall catalog in her carry-on while we flew over Sayreville. I think she wanted to take a nap with A.E.
Sars, you really need to peruse the current Toscano Designs catalog. I bought a perfectly lovely side table from them once and I’m on their mailing list forever now. Sky Mall only carries an INKLING of the hideous Goth/Kitsch/Wiccan/Faux-Camelot compilation of dreck that cheerfully occupies the pages, alongside nice wood furniture that you actually would have in your house. The catalog is good for a laugh every single time….plus it makes me think “who on my gift list would like a somewhat real-looking replica Arthurian Sword complete with scabbard??”
Basho looks like he’s about to stand up and make the stuff on his back go flying everywhere.
Bigfoot would be the perfect gift for the person you love to hate!
A Freddie Mercury FIGURINE?
BRILLIANT.
And really – what took them so long?
They actually do still have peanuts on airlines–on Continental, at least. I g et them slightly more often than I do pretzels.
I think they used Harry (from “Harry and the Hendersons”) as the model for Bigfoot.
Also, SkyMaul? HEE-LAIR-EE-US. Thanks for that link!
I’ve got to admit, I purchased and have been fabulously happy with something from skymall — my Chillow! It really does keep my face cool at night, and eliminates all that flipping of the pillow as one side heats up…
Emily
Sars, I’m the Copy Editor at Toscano, the company who sells Basho (whose disembodied head resides on my desk to the right of my computer monitor), Bigfoot, etc. If you find reading about these products entertaining, trust me when I say that it’s even funnier to write “sellable” copy. The process of moving from “What the crap is that?” to what is published in our catalog and Skymall is an art form that I’m sure is preparing me for a serious career in journalism.
I just saw that evil Elvis thing at the mall over the weekend! It is so amazingly creepy. I touched its nose and it’s all cold and squishy. I could not stop staring at it. Abject horror, I’m telling you. My husband had to drag me away. It does look waaaay more like Elvis than in that picture though. And the way it twitches at random … dude. The eyebrow and the lip have little mini-seizures. Seriously bizarre.
Of the three flights I was on this week, I got free snacks on *one* (US Airways, a mouthful of snack mix). I cannot believe how they’ve cut down on the food on most airlines. My friend flew to Hawaii recently- 7 hour flight, no free food. Come on, people. That’s insane.
@Sara- Awesome. Just awesome.
I’m flying Frontier for the first time next week, to the Thanksgiving-with- Mom expedition. I couldn’t find a better price, but they’d better have SkyMall….
The last time I flew on Alaska Airlines they were still serving food.
And those tubes of yogurt marketed to kids are small enough so that you can fit a whole package into a one-quart plastic bag. People look at you funny, but that’s only because they wish they’d thought of it.
@Emily – I hear the Chillow is great for post-menopausal women, too. I’m on fire most nights NOW. I can’t imagine what I’ll be like in another 20 years. Forget Chillow- it’ll have to be a whole mattress.
Topic? Freddie Mercury….awww.
Bigfoot looks like Chewbacca.
But then, I’d kind of like to have a Chewbacca garden statue.
Does SkyMall have a wedding-registry option? Or should I just start dropping hints?
Dude, I saw those at a Costco once. My mom was really ticked they had his eye color wrong. I took a photo of the thing to immortalize the horror and two guys walked by, going, “Who would buy that?” Now I know: someone at Suzie’s work.
Yeah, we had to pay $5 for plane dinner going to Hawaii as well.
I think Southwest still hands out peanuts.
Sara, you have my undying devotion. Anyone who could ever look at this without laughing themselves to catatonia is a strong person indeed.
That stuff is insane. I hope SkyMall will some day expand to Europe, those catalogues would probably make me forget how I hate flying.
Are those airlines without meals budget carriers? I’ve always had at least a coffee and snack on non-budget airlines in Europe. I flew Czech Airlines yesterday and we got a lunch on a 2-hour flight! Weirdly they had mini metallic utensils instead of plastic ones, and the knife was actually sharp. The last time I had a 7-hour flight I got two snacks and a meal…
Best use for SkyMall: Death-Is-Not-An-Option on every page. My husband and I have gotten through many a flight this way (plus the accompanying justification arguments, which are always the best part.)
I can not believe that no one mentioned the most awesome item in SkyMall. The DaVinci Code Cryptex for $195!!! I am a dork, yes, but that is COOL! I want one!! not for $195 but that would so rock to own.
Ok, I think I just traumatized myself. I have to go now.
Oh my God. I love SkyMall. Granted, I don’t fly very often, but it kept me very entertained for the first half hour of a flight from DC to Oregon in September. I really want the litter box that looks like a plant pot. .
I also have a new goal in life. I want to be a copy editor for SkyMall. All this time working on my degree, I’ve been trying to decide between newspaper reporting and editing, but now? I want to work for SkyMall. That has to be good for some laughs. It’s like working for the J. Peterman catalog, but funnier!
The SkyMall has gone way downhill since they stopped selling the device that would “age” your whisk(e)y 5 years in, like, 5 minutes. That thing was amazing.
@ Laura, OMG I HATE the Norton’s Furniture guy SO MUCH. And he is UNAVOIDABLE on late night tv there. AAAAAH!! WHY IS HE ON YOUTUBE, aaaack?!?!?! That’s just not right….
RetroMom – you can get one of those for less than $195 if you get the one that doesn’t come in the “rose” box. *COUGH* not that I, ahhhhh, HAVE one or anything…. ahem.
What about the Hidden Litter Box? Finally, FINALLY, I can put the cat poop out in the living room where it belongs, thanks to the giant fake plastic plant sticking out of the top.
I, too, think the Freddie Mercury figure is awesome. Because it is.
Elvis looks exactly like Eric Roberts in a black plastic wig to me.
My folks had a life-size Santa & had stored it in the basement. I beat the holy crap out of Santa one January day with a cake plate I was putting away – he was at the bottom of the stairs in the basement & said “Ho Ho Ho!” & I just knocked his jolly head right off.(one of many moments in my life I wish were on film!)
Alive Elvis would’ve fought back, I’m sure. Elvis would have known how to defend himself from a madwoman with a cake plate! Poor Santa never stood a chance!
“or choose “Sing Along” to duet with Elvis, karaoke style (after jacking in your own microphone). ”
I don’t even wanna know how to jack a mic into Elvis. Ew.
Sara: Journalism, or possibly political speechwriting.
****
Sars: You do make a good point; it’s kind of sad that Freddie Mercury is dead, because he’s _exactly_ the kind of guy who would be _perfect_ for a “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Like, he’s the guy who is exactly like Jack Sparrow, only queer. And ACTUALLY queer, not just limp-wristed.
****
The fun part about these SkyMall catalogs is when you see the same item listed in another catalog, with the same picture! Except that the other catalog has it listed for thirty dollars less. (This often seems to happen with pet items, and also personal-hygeine stuff.)
Some other links:
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/tech-toys-from.php
oh man! woot.com is currently featuring Elvis Alive for $155 shipped. :-) Of course, it’s currently a wootoff so Elvis’ll be sold out in 20-30 minutes or so… This may actually be more hilariously useless/goofy than the leakfrog (though not nearly as cute!)
I’m late reading this but had to comment… I didn’t realize how many other people read Skymall! I thought it was my dirty little secret. I feel so understood!
Must have that Elvis head, by the way.
So, I just HAD to let the Internet know that my husband – who knows just how desperately I loved all things Queen during my teenage years – bought me the SkyMall Freddie Mercury figurine for Christmas. We exchanged gifts last night, and lo, there was much rejoicing when I opened that package.
You guys, it’s awesome.