The Amy March Shirt Of Justice: Coming Soon!
No sooner had the guest bowed himself out than Jenny, under the pretense of asking an important question, informed Mr. Davis, the teacher, that Amy March had pickled limes in her desk. …
“Bring the rest immediately.” With a despairing glance at her set, she obeyed. “You are sure there are no more?”
“I never lie, sir.”
“So I see. Now take these disgusting things two by two, and throw them out the window.”
One of the most satisfying moments in children’s literature, in my personal opinion. I’ve always hated Amy March, and when that little brat has to huck all her limes out the window and gets whacked across the palm with a ruler to boot, reader, I smirk every time. Of course, it totally ruins it that she gets to storm home from school in the middle of the day and stay home forever because Marmee is a pinko who doesn’t believe in capital punishment, and then she destroys Jo’s shit and the whole family’s all “she feels terrible, let’s forgive her in five minutes” LIKE HOW ABOUT LET’S MAKE HER LIVE ON THE ROOF, AND THEN Captain Hormone Pianopants Laurie has to go and marry her, like, oh, she does sketches and will french me in a rowboat on the Continent, well la dee fucking da.
But for that brief shining moment, as the dreaded Irish children scuffle over the pickled limes, we older siblings could feel like we’d seen some justice. And now you can commemorate that moment in t-shirt form. Wear it, give it as a gift, buy two and throw ’em out the window, whatever you want. Just don’t borrow Sallie’s and then burn a hole in it. (…Right? That happened? To Meg, not Amy, but still.)
I’ve got some work to do still on getting the price down to a reasonable level, and when I do, I’ll put up pre-ordering instructions — so watch this space! Or…use it to rant about stupid Amy.
Tags: books brats of literature retail shut up Amy March
In his youth my brother destroyed many things belonging to me so I can entirely endorse the living on the roof concept and certainly he spent a number of hours living in the cupboard under the stairs in an effort to escape my wrath.
I never understood the Laurie/Amy marriage either, although in the Gillian Armstrong film, Christian Bale drones monotonally at Winona Ryder that he ‘always knew he was supposed to be part of the March family’, so perhaps it was just ‘Meg’s already married, Jo won’t have me, Beth’s got the consumption, so by process of elimination it came down to Amy.’
And Jo did forgive her after she fell through the ice, although in her place I might have dunked her under a few times before I pulled her out, just to really drive the message home.
WANT.
In return, I share the following Little Women video gem from author Meg Cabot. Make sure you catch the music in the fight scene:
Crap. Trying again on the URL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWMflwTgyZI
Even her falling through the ice annoyed me back in the day. Like, of COURSE she finds a way to make everyone feel sorry for her, so if you stay mad at her, you’re a shitheel.
Have read. Was bitch.
The falling-through-the-ice thing is such a stupid YA lit thing. Near-death experiences always make problems go away.
OH MY GOD, I forgot that that whole manuscript-burning contretemps began because Amy wanted to be a BRATTY TAG-ALONG.
I think I was 20 before I figured out that Beth had died of an actual, diagnosable disease. Alcott makes it out like her saintliness just overwhelmed her immune system.
I NEED. God damn you, Amy March. I’ve hated you for going on TWENTY FIVE YEARS. I will never get over her burning Jo’s book. AND THEN LAURIE (who I love) MARRIES HER? I AM SO SURE.
I took a class on American Women Authors in college, and we read Little Women, and the day we discussed Jo marrying Prof Bhaer turned into a ninety-minute mega-bitch session about how PISSED the entire class — all of whom had read the book as kids — still was about how AMY married Laurie and Jo ended up with some lame old dude. (I might have suggested that I would have preferred it if Jo chose herself like Kelly Taylor, as that reference was extra current then.) Our prof was extremely taken aback.
She also went batshit crazy and was institutionalized the next quarter but I don’t think we were to blame.
Ahem. Anyway. I want one!
And Jo did forgive her after she fell through the ice, although in her place I might have dunked her under a few times before I pulled her out, just to really drive the message home.
YES. All of this. Even worse than the manuscript, I always thought, was Amy getting that goddamn trip abroad. Jo spent all those years reciting Fordyce’s sermons or whatever to Aunt March just so her pretty sister could snatch it up while she’s at home with poor dying Beth. There’s making a point, Louisa, and then there’s imbuing Amy March with superhuman Aestheticism Hammer powers.
I remember finding out in university that the speculation on why Laurie/Amy happened was that Alcott got so annoyed with the mail regarding Laurie/Jo that she wrote it just to spite. Stupid fanmail ;)
Amy March ENRAGES me. Since when should “sucking at life” equal “trip to Europe”? Since never, that’s when.
Hear, hear! Though I always thought Jo was thoughtless in destroying all her drafts after she made her “good” copy. Was she going to copy it out by hand every time she sent it out?
I need to re-read this book. :)
Have you read the other two books? Amy has one child who OF COURSE turns out to be the most beautiful, most gentle, most cultured, most amazing female in the entire United States, and who almost dies when she’s an infant. She literally does nothing wrong her entire life.
@Amanda: I’ve heard that too. Damn you, shippers! I mean, Bhaer’s okay and all, but come on.
Loathe, hate, abhor Amy March. I just want to slap the ever-loving crap out of her. Biggest bitch in literature. And every actress who has ever played her, played her perfectly with the most smug bitchface ever. The “demure” little looks when Laurie presents her as his wife? Gah. Haaaatttteeee I can’t even read/watch it any more so much do I hate her.
Oh, I would love one of those T-shirts – will definitely be putting an order in!
Amy, Amy, Amy. I think Gillian Armstrong must have felt the same way; at least, I see the casting of Gabriel Byrne as Bhaer as a way of giving Jo a well-deserved break.
Ha! I love Amy March. Love all four girls, but her arc of growth and change are the most interesting to me. I think she becomes quite a winning Little Woman at the end. I have read the book at least 100 times, as it is my all-time favorite.
Totally want the shirt!
Sars, did you ever end up reading March by Geraldine Brooks? I thought it was excellent. I re-read Little Women first so my Amy hatred is fresh in my mind. On re-reading I visualized Bhaer as Gabriel Byrne so I interpreted that whole thing as Jo being totally brilliantly lucky.
I had the six-book Alcott set as a kid: Little Women, Little Men, Jo’s Boys, Under the Lilacs, Jack & Jill, and…something with “Eight” in the title? I think I read that one maybe once. Jo’s Boys is also the very definition of diminishing returns. Little Men cracked me up even as a child with all the big build-up to Dan’s horrible whatever and the oh-so-dreadful curse word he mutters into his pillow, and then it’s something along the lines of “golly,” and you’re like, really, 1870s?
@Claire, I don’t think I know what that is. But if it urges John Brooke to rethink his entire romantic life, I’m in. Shut up, Meg. You too, Demi and Daisy.
Ugh, I’d forgotten Jo’s boys, all that ferocious pairing off and Jo spending all her time fretting over their love lives, and plotting to get them all married off.
Side note, Amy’s perfect angelic, nearly died in infancy child was named after Beth but called Bess to distinguish the perfect saintly child from her perfect saintly dead aunt. And I always thought both she and Daisy could have been vastly improved with a good slapping.
Also, WANT the shirt… just by the way.
Eight Cousins. Loved it.
*spoiler alert*
Rose ends up with the nerdy cousin with the green eyeshade.
I was always told that I was named after a character from the same book my mother (Meg) was named from. Imagine my horror when I was finally able to read the copy of Little Women that I was given and discovered that I was named after a brat! I tried my absolute hardest to like Amy, I really did. But the book burning? The trip to Europe? Marrying Laurie? No. No way. Unforgivable.
One day when I have kids I plan on naming a daughter Josephine, just to even out the balance.
This is the Amazon link to March:
http://www.amazon.com/March-Geraldine-Brooks/dp/0143036661/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_3
I highly recommend it.
Meg was always my favorite, although I never really had anything against Amy. Probably because I identified with her insecurities or something.
Perfect timing! I’m re-reading Little Women right now for the millionth time… nothing like super snowy winters for cozy books!
*gasp* I love the Amy March Shirt Of Justice! Count me in. Suck it, Amy March.
I could read this entry + its comments all day, especially if we continue to call Marmee a pinko. Will definitely be ordering one.
And casting Kiki Dunst in the height of her “I’m a cute yet creepy child of the 90s” fame = too on-the-nose. “You’ll be sorry for this, Jo March!” No, honey. We will ALL be sorry. Then they try to win us back with SaMathis, but no. Too late. Done.
“Eight Cousins” also squicked me out a bit because Rose was EXPECTED to marry one of her first cousins. Inbreeding much? And she chose the annoying neurotic one after Alcott killed off the handsome bad boy.
Also, Nan (from Jo’s Boys) was clearly a lesbian. (Notice how Mrs. Jo never married her off). I was always glad that young Josie (Jo’s namesake) became a famous actress, which gave her the kind of life the noble Jo March Bhaer aspired to, but would never go for.
Vastly preferred Little Men to little Women. That is the one I read over and over. Oh, and Eight Cousins was the best Alcott ever!
Off to the Library–an Alcott fest is just what I need to get me through the last week of pregnancy!! Thanks, Nation!
Congrats, Bridget! You may find Jack & Jill somewhat relatable at this swollen time. Hee.
Oh, man, and after John Brooke dies, and Alcott allows Meg all of 6 hours to grieve for her DEAD HUSBAND, and then is all “of course, from this point forward, Meg surpressed all feelings of pain and loss, and was pretty much cool with it, as Jesus requires.”
That part has always creeped me out.
I realized about a year ago that I am, in fact, Jo March. Turned down my childhood “love” and married a booknerd I picked up in New York (of German descent, no less); currently a struggling writer and frustrated school teacher. My younger sibling (okay, brother, since I’m sisterless) is the attractive one who gets everything he wants, including the European tour. While things worked out for me on the romance front, always felt like Jo herself got kind of shafted. Laurie was too overbearing for her in the end, so I was okay with letting that ship sail, but I never felt like Bhaer had enough personality for her.
I love you all. You have said everything I could possibly say (and have many times) about Amy March and Alcottian wackitude. TNers rule.
Also, agree re March; I like Geraldine Brooks’ stuff in general, and it was an interesting conception of the one character in the books you really don’t get to know in 3D.
I read a biography of Louisa May Alcott ages ago, and the author posits the theory that Louisa was full of self-loathing for various reasons and that’s why she doesn’t allow her avatar Jo to marry Laurie. She gives him away to Amy instead. I don’t like to think about it too much because unmitigated rage is harsh on the complexion.
I like to think that Lucy Maud Montgomery was a kindred spirit in this. She wrote a character (Anne Shirley) who was so similar to Jo March in all the particulars and who takes such a similar journey, but in the end Anne gets her Gilbert/Laurie and Morgan Harris/Professor Bhaer goes on his way. The books are so similar that one might accuse Lucy Maud of plagiarism, except that she rectifies the situation so well, I’m like, “Plagiarize away, Lucy Maud. Plagiarize away.”
I always thought Amy bore a strong resemblance to Josie Pye. Little bitches.
@Deanna
It worked out that way for Brenda on 90210. Grrr.
Oh Amy March. For some reason, when reading this, I thought of Kim Kardashian…maybe because they both ended up with relatively fantastic lives that they totally didn’t earn? Who knows. In any case, I think I feel as much antipathy for her as I do for Emma Woodhouse. They both belong in some sort of home for toxic females. I’d read THAT book, and love it.
And casting Jack freaking Kelly as Laurie? Just made it worse.
Oh man, we should have LW be the next read-along. I could never figure out why Jo couldn’t get over herself and hook up with the cute rich dork next door. I mean, seriously. You people are almost freaking starving (but you still have a servant, so yay you) and the hottie with the cashola is RIGHT THERE. Ugh.
The Laurie/Amy thing always feels like it came out of the clear blue sky, to me. One minute he’s all mooning over Jo and Being A Tortured Artist and the next he’s all “Amy, I *heart* you.” Um.
@Jas – Amy gives birth to REINCARNATED BETH! OMG! Ugh. Hate.
@Sars – Meg and Jo have but two good dresses between them and Jo burns hers. When Meg is at Sallie’s party, she has on her one good dress and of course the other girls know this but Meg tries to save face all “it’s fine, I’ll wear it again, no big” but then she overhears them being all “oh Poor Meg” and changes tack: “I tore mine, I have to mend it, I don’t have another one.” So of course Sallie and them dress her up like a whore, pretty much, Laurie calls her out on it, and she is of course horribly guilty about it blahblahblahshutupblah.
I want that t-shirt and I am wearing to my next ALA (american library association) meeting!
YES. OH MY GOD SHUT UP AMY MARCH. Ugh, I hated her so much as a kid. Possibly because I may have over-identified with Jo a bit. Just a bit. But UGH THAT GIRL. Laurie thief.
and I agree with Claire, I really liked “March.”
Gotta say, as much as I hated Amy, I was glad Jo didn’t marry Laurie. He’s just an overgrown kid; Prof Bhaer adores Jo and is smart and kind and nice to kids. And looks like Gabriel Byrne, so, Jo kind of wins there!
Best. Shirt. Ever.
There’s not enough–there can never BE enough–hate for Amy March. I was only 7 the first time I read the book and when she started blathering on about her nose and the damn clothespin and how it sucks to go to a fancy private school because the teacher won’t let them have some disgusting pickled limes (which, seriously? EW.) I was ready to slap her. Your sister spends her entire day reading Old Testament ‘begats’ to a crazy, old aunt and you bitch for hours when you get in trouble for breaking the rules? Shut it, you little freak.
And Meg? Gosh, it’s just terrible that you don’t have to work and you have to stay home with the kids with only a baby nurse and a full-time maid to help you out. I don’t know how you can possibly survive under such horrible conditions. There’s no way you could get by without borrowing your mother’s maid a few days a week, too, is there? Bitch.
“Laurie thief” = best.
@Rachel – to be fair, Sallie and Annie and Annie’s sisters don’t really dress Meg up like a whore*, they dress her fashionably, which is of course utterly shocking to someone brought up in the March household, where the children play a game based on “Pilgrim’s Progress.”
The entire book-burning thing still makes me made, 40 years and God knows how many re-readings later.
I always thought Jo ended up with Professor Bhaer because LMA wanted Jo to remain single (as she herself was), but the publishers demanded that Jo get married. Marrying her off to Professor Bhaer was sort of an FU to the publishers. “You want Jo to get married? I’ll marry her off to an old, foreign egghead! Hah!”
*Except the rouge that the lady’s maid wants to apply, which Meg rebells at. That would have been pretty racy.
@Jamila: I totally agree. Laurie never appealed to me, and I thought that he and Amy kind of deserved each other. I liked Bhaer just fine for Jo.
I was never that into Gilbert Blythe, either (although LM Montgomery didn’t really offer any other romantic options). And at least Jo still had a personality after she got married, unlike Anne.
I read an Alcott quote once to the effect that she wrote all her semi-preachy stuff, like LW, etc., to pay the bills, but didn’t much like writing it, with all the heavy-handed morality and be-strong-for-the-Lord stuff. But I can’t find anything to corroborate this now, so take it as you will.
Amy’s most loathsome moment came when she accepted the trip to Europe instead of insisting that Jo have it. And I always suspected she knew she would see Laurie there. I have no textual evidence, just a gut feeling…
Jo’s acceptance of all this is really a testament to her greatness.
Seriously, if my sister Europed me out of a Laurie, I would NEVER FORGIVE.
Huzzah! I’m so glad this is getting made!
Oh MAN, I have always loathed Amy March. And I was able to DOUBLE-LOATHE her when bratty ass Kirsten Dunst played her in the 90s film adaptation. I was horrified as a bookish little girl when Amy burned Jo’s journals and I’m STILL horrified as a bookish adult! Send that rotten girl to some Puritan boarding school, Marmee! GOD.