The N Cookie AA: Round 1, Flight 1
Welcome to the first round of the N Cookie AA! You know, in between “food fights,” I miss doing them: reading up on the demise and phoenix-like return of Archway, buying birthday-cake Oreos “for research” (spoiler: blerf), trading “crumby” puns with Keckler.
(Not sure what’s going on here? Check out the N Cookie AA FAQ.)
Then we get to the first round, and I compose half a dozen melodramatic “goodbye, cruel brackets!” emails to Keck in my head while planning to wander into traffic with a box of Regina pignoli and a gin and tonic, because I GODDAMN HATE HAVING TO CHOOSE. Why, WHY do we do this to ourselves?
As you know, the flight selection is random. We whittle the entries down to a reasonable number and enter the alphabetized list into an online randomizer; this is what happens sometimes, that a single flight is packed with classics and I feel the tears of regret welling up as I have to leave the voting space next to original Milanos or black-and-whites blank.
WHYEEEEEE.
…Okay. I will vote for the following probably-hopeless cases: the Carr’s (I can crush a whole sleeve Thin-Mints-stylee in about 10 minutes; something about the super-tartness of the lemon makes them almost refreshing). Bahlsen Hits, for the almost cakey biscuit of the chocolate-outside-white-filling version; I should take points off for the aggressively stupid packaging, but won’t. Quadratini, for the bite-size almond verzh and also because it’s fun to help kids stack (and by “help,” I mean “even out a Jenga situation by eating”). Fortune cookies, because I legit like the taste, and also hoard the fortunes to make art. And the PF Pirouette, which may be used to slurp vanilla pudding (note: professional glutton; do not attempt).
Do I think any of my personal selections stands a chance? No, I sure don’t. Well, maybe fortune cookies, but I see Samoas, original Milani, Entenmann’s chocolate chip (the best cookie : bite ratio in the bidness), and good old animal crackers sailing through. What’s the fifth? Could be a genre classic like B&Ws or sugar wafers. No wrong choices here in the opener — just tough ones. — Sarah D. Bunting
*****
Oh my god, we’re finally back, you guys. I can’t even tell you how long it’s been since Bunting and I first tried to bracket the NCookieAA, but what happened between now and then is: Dr. Mathra and I moved, I wrote a book, we re-elected a president, I potty-trained one kid, and then because we still weren’t ready to really commit to the NCookieAA, I went and had another entire kid. You know, just to keep busy meantimes.
So, hey, this is a tough start with all these Pepperidge Farm contenders, yeah? I had to look up what these “Slices” were and okay, they’re not as weird as I thought and they’re not at hoarfy as the Farm’s breakfast pastries-cum-cakey gross-osities (sorry, Bunting [“more for me!” — SDB]), but I don’t think they can beat the Farm classics like Brussels, Bordeaux, Milanos, or even Pirouette (aka the cookie ice cream parlors like Farrell’s always stuck in the top of sundaes). I definitely see at least one of those making it through this time. Maybe even two.
I will, however, be supremely bummed if the sugar wafers — which MUST come in a thin plastic tray containing the Neapolitan combo of strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla — don’t make it through. How can you not love their completely flavorless wafers which have a texture that would not be incorrect to describe as very finely sliced Styrofoam? And don’t forget their completely dry and sweet “filling”! Man, I doted on these as a kid. We used to dissect them. We’d carefully remove one wafer, set it aside, scrape the filling off with our teeth, set that wafer on top of the first and move on to the next cookie. Filling expedited, we were left with a thick stack of wafers that was incredibly satisfying to bite through all at once. (Our bites were usually followed by my sister running after me to blow puffs of wafer dust in my face because those cookies are seriously dry and god I miss them.)
But oh fortune cookies! I don’t care if they are stale or bendy or flavorless. I just love fortune cookies. And the Loacker Quads, which I first discovered on some dusty shelf in a tiny Boston-area spa and tore through like I had never seen cookies before in my entire life! AND THE CARR’S GINGER LEMON BISCUITS BECAUSE WHEN EATING DELICIOUS ENGLISH COOKIES YOU MUST MUST SAY BISCUITS! And I can’t even with the Amaretti’s because they are so addictive and also because I will never stop trying to successfully light their wrappers on fire.
(Fair or not, Snackwell’s will forever be in my mind and on my tastebuds as “diet” cookies so: no.)
Barnum’s Animal Crackers, though rather meh, do have such a universal appeal that I’m calling it for them along with Girl Scouts Samoas, the Entenmann’s and probably Milano’s original — and some other cookie I can’t predict, but hope in my heart of hearts is one of my favorites. — Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic
VOTE!
Vote for your FIVE (5) favorite cookies!
- Pepperidge Farm Milanos Original (dark chocolate) (13%, 416 Votes)
- Girl Scout Samoas (13%, 409 Votes)
- Barnum's Animal Crackers (10%, 305 Votes)
- Fortune cookies (9%, 279 Votes)
- Sugar wafers (8%, 246 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Pirouette (7%, 209 Votes)
- Entenmann's Chocolate Chip (7%, 206 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Brussels (5%, 169 Votes)
- Black-and-whites (5%, 169 Votes)
- Carr's Lemon Ginger Creams (5%, 162 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Milanos Double Chocolate (5%, 143 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Bordeaux (2%, 72 Votes)
- Snackwell Devil's Food (2%, 70 Votes)
- Loacker Quadratini (2%, 59 Votes)
- Lazzaroni Amaretti di Saronno (2%, 59 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Milano Slices Salted Pretzel (1%, 46 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Milano Slices Sweet Toffee (1%, 36 Votes)
- Stella D'Oro Swiss Fudge (1%, 34 Votes)
- Bahlsen Hit (1%, 32 Votes)
- Pepperidge Farm Blueberry Cobbler (0%, 5 Votes)
Total Voters: 677
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Tags: food hellooooo cookies Keckler N Cookie AA unmourned odors of childhood
There are too many cookies on this list I don’t know! Wait — let me grab my grocery list! Reeeeesearrrrrrch!
Keck’s proustian memories of the sugar wafer matches my own. Dust gets everywhere.
Fortune cookie fortune art! I thought I was the only one who saved fortunes for that. I’m always finding random fortune slips around my house. Recently, I’ve been chucking them because clutter! But when I have some time to focus, I will start again with the art project. You know, like around 2034.
Snackwells are ass.
Black and whites. Seriously. Stop messing around and check that box people. Who are you kidding with fortune cookies above them? You put one of each on the table and that black and white stays down uneaten? Doubtful.
Why, why, why can’t I vote 5 times for my beloved Pepperidge Farm Brussels? I won’t eat any of the others in this bracket and I fear my beloved PFBs won’t make it out of round 1.
I didn’t know about the gloriousness of Lemon Ginger Creams until sometime after I turned 30. All those wasted years! I don’t keep them around since I will eat them all in one day. There is no “I will have 2 and enjoy them and wait to have 2 more tomorrow” willpower available here.
NOOOOO!!!! DON’T LET THE AMARETTI COOKIES END HERE!!!!
*ahem*
(I almost said “go down in flames,” but after watching that video clip, I think that’s exactly what needs to happen in my kitchen right now…)
Yep, there are lots of cookies I have never heard of, and frankly I just can’t justify eating them on account of research. So I had to cast votes for what I knew.
I have not heard of most of these cookies. Not easy to find 5.
OOh Farrell’s! Good memories!
@Nanc, Brussels are hanging in!
@Sarah D. Bunting: win or lose there’s a bag [single serving–will they ever fix the nutrition info on the package? There’s just one serving!] in my grocery cart this weekend!
Does nobody understand the total awesomeness of the Loacker Quadratini? Especially the hazelnut version…such perfection in a small treat! It’s as if someone took those awful sugar wafers and added Nutella, and then cut them up into irresistible bite-sized pieces!
BRUSSSSSSELLLLLLLSSS!!
Wait. How can those sugar wafers be that highly ranked? There is no sugar in them. They’re barely a cookie by any definition of the term. Honestly, it’s easier to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon than one of those dry-ass things. They are vile. Come on, people! Vote for a real cookie!
BRUSSSSSSELLLLLLLSSS!!
I remember where I was the first time I tried a dark chocolate milano. I felt fancy.
Waiiiiit a minute… Mint Milanos don’t make the cut and neither do Thin Mints but those disgusting frosted animal crackers are up there??
Bribery, I say! BRIBERY, SKULLDUGGERY AND MALFEASANCE!
1) These are regular animal crackers, non-frosted. 2) This is the FIRST flight of SIX. Literally one hundred kinds of cookie left.
I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT SUGAR WAFERS! Eat my cookie dust, detractors!
I don’t want to live in a world where black and whites don’t even make it in.
OH, okay, Regular animal crackers are awesome! Especially when they come in the box that looks like a circus train car!
This makes me realize that I apparently DO NOT EAT ANY COOKIES AT ALL. Hm. Tis true, I tend to like salty more than sweet. Maybe someday we can do one with chips? I’d be an expert.
So glad to see the Entenmann’s making a go of it. So soft and chewy!
Carr’s Lemon Ginger Creams!!! Enough said. Sad that they won’t move on.
Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies were THE cookie in my middle school through high school. They are also the only cookies I loved as a kid that I still like now. I can’t picture a bracket where fortune cookies or those horrible sugar wafer cookies advance over them. I’m tempted to sign up for additional email accounts just to stuff the ballot box ;)