25 And Over
If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.
Grow up.
And when I instruct you to grow up, I do not mean that you must read up on mortgage rates, put aside candy necklaces, or desist from substituting the word “poo” for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tardiness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you have turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for exclusion from social occasions.
And now, for those of you who might have misplaced them, marching orders for everyone born before 1980.
1. Remember to write thank-you notes. If you do not know when a thank-you note is appropriate, consult an etiquette book — the older and more hidebound the book, the better. When in doubt, write one anyway; better to err on the side of formality. An email is not sufficient thanks for a physical gift. Purchase stationery and stamps, set aside five minutes, and express your gratitude in writing. Failure to do so implies that you don’t care. This implication is a memorable one. Enough said.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Presumably you have a job, and the means to procure yourself a hotel. If so, do so. If not, stay home. Mentioning that you plan a visit to another city may lead to an invitation to stay with a friend or family member, which you may of course accept; assuming that “it’s cool if you crash” is not. Wait for the invitation; if it is not forthcoming, this is what we call “a hint,” and you should take it and make other arrangements.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. You may ask for help; you may not expect it, particularly if your move date is on a weekday. Your friends have jobs to go to, and you have accumulated a lot of heavy books by this point in your life. Hire a mover. If you cannot afford a mover, sell your books or put them in storage — or don’t move, but one way or another, you will have to cope.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. As children, we live in our own heads, bonking into things, gnawing on twigs, emitting random squawks because we don’t know how to talk yet. Then, we enter nursery school. You, having graduated college or reached a similar age to that of the college graduate, need to learn to sense others and get out of their way. Walk single file. Don’t blather loudly in public spaces. Give up your seat to those with disabilities or who are struggling with small children. Take your headphones off while interacting with clerks and passersby. Do not walk along and then stop suddenly. It is not just you on the street; account for that fact.
5. Be on time. The occasional public-transit snafu is forgivable, but consistent lateness is rude, annoying, and self-centered. If we didn’t care when you showed up, we’d have said “any old time”; if we said seven, get there at seven or within fifteen minutes. Do not ditz that you “lost track of time” as though time somehow slipped its leash and ran into traffic. It shows a basic lack of respect for others; flakiness is not cute anymore, primarily because it never was. Buy a watch, wind it up, and wear it everywhere you go.
6. Have enough money. I do not mean “give up your scholarly dreams and join the world of corporate finance in order to keep up with the Joneses.” I mean that you should not become that girl or boy who is always a few dollars short, can only cover exactly his or her meal but no tip, or “forgot” to go to the ATM. Go to the ATM first, don’t order things you can’t afford, and…
7. Know how to calculate the tip. Ten percent of the total; double it; done. You did not have to major in math to know how this works. You are not dumb, but your Barbie-math-is-hard flailing is agonizing and has outstayed its welcome. Ten percent times two. Learn it.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Nobody cares. People who starred in the dream may care, but confine your synopsis to ten words or fewer.
9. Learn to walk in heels. Gentlemen, you are at your leisure. Ladies: If you wear heels, know how to operate them. Clomping along and placing your foot down flat with each step gives the appearance of a ten-year-old playing dress-up, but a pair of heels is like a bicycle — you need momentum to stay up. Come down on the heel and carry forward through the toe, using your regular stride. If you feel wobbly, keep practicing, or get a pair that’s better suited to your style of walking. It isn’t a once-a-year prom thing anymore for a lot of you, so please learn to walk in them.
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. A dress code, or suggested attire on an invitation, is not an instrument of The Man. Own one nice dress, or one reasonable suit, or one sharp pair of pants and chic sweater — something you can clean up nice in for a wedding or a semi-formal dinner. You don’t have to like it, but if the invitation requests it, put it on. Every night can’t be poker night. Which reminds me…
11. Do as invitations ask you. Don’t bring a guest when no such courtesy is extended. Don’t blow off an RSVP; it means “please respond,” and you should. “Regrets only” means you only answer if you can’t come. If the party starts at eight, show up at eight — not at seven-thirty so you can go a “better” party later, not at eleven when dinner is cold. Eight. Cocktail parties allow for leeway, of course, but pay attention and read instructions; your host furnished the details for a reason.
12. Know how. Know how to drive. Know how to read a map. Know how to get around. Know how to change a tire, or whom to call if you can’t manage it, or how to get to a phone if you don’t have a cell phone. We will happily bail you out, until it becomes apparent that it’s what you always need. The possibility of a fingernail breaking or a hairstyle becoming compromised is not grounds for purposeful helplessness.
13. Don’t use your friends. It’s soulless. It’s also obvious. If the only reason you continue to associate with a person is to borrow his or her car, might I remind you that you have now turned 25 and may rent your own.
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. College is over. The war stories have their amusements, but not over and over and not at every gathering. Get a library card, go to the movies, participate in the world. Working is not living. Be interested so that you can be interesting.
15. Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree “owes you.” It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years ago.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. No loose bags on the floor; no using a roll of toilet paper; no plates or empty soda cans. You are not a fierce warrior nomad of the Fratty Bubelatty tribe. Buy a wastebasket and grown-up paper products.
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. They are, generally, as follows — midnight to six AM on weekdays, 2 AM to 8 AM on weekends. Mine is a fairly generous interpretation, by the by, so bass practice should conclude, not start, at ten PM. Understand also that just because nobody has complained directly to you does not mean that a complaint is not justified, or pending. Further, get your speakers off the floor. Yes, “now.” Yes, a rug is still “the floor.”
19. Take care of yourself. If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don’t enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so — to them. Change is hard; that’s too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy’s shift is over.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. Rudeness is a signifier of itself, nothing more. We all have bad days; yours is not weightier than anyone else’s, comparatively, and does not excuse displays of poor breeding. Be civil or be elsewhere.
January 17, 2005
Tags: etiquette
@nathan: “hmm, I’d think refraining from personal attacks and engaging arguments on their merits would be one of the hallmarks of proper etiquette.”
Ah yes, that old internet favorite: “I’m allowed to be a combative dick; you’re not allowed to call me on it.” Blowing off the column as “arbitrary,” “fetishizing” horseshit is of course your right, but it doesn’t entitle you to a soft summer rain of sweet kisses.
Unless you’re wearing a necktie. MADE OF THANK-YOU NOTES.
Could we please add something on the concept of “bailing” for casually made plans?
If a friend invites you to dinner/to see a movie/to go out clubbing/to eat grass with them and you say yes they have informally committed yourself to said activity.
If you find you cannot attend such activity, for whatever reason you must alert your friend AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE YOU CAN”T ATTEND. That means not 20 minutes after you were supposed to be there or sometime the next day in a gchat conversation. It means at least an hour ahead. 20 minutes if its an emergency.
There is no bailing in adulthood. You call, you apologize and you offer a reschedule if appropriate. Of course, we are all adults (right?) so we can make our own decisions as to what kind of conflict it is appropriate to cancel because of (if you need to pick your nose all night, fine, do it,) but please remember that making informal plans does require some level of commitment so really THINK before you say yes to something and try to follow through. You will be so much more liked if the words “sketchy,” “flighty,” “ditzy,” “absent-minded,” or just plain “self-obsessed” do not apply to you!
This was fabulous. Couldn’t agree more, especially with 19-20. And I’m 3.5 years late on investing in stationary….
Oh god Sars, I am dying of laughter at Nathan’s comments. Can we keep him?
… you know who he reminds me of? Jack the Canned Tomato Stealer, another revolutionary class warrior.
M (5/28/09 3:40PM): While I don’t mean to challenge your point about tipping – I think it’s a good one, and I do my best to obey it, although when I was growing up the base was 15% and I’m not sure when public opinion changed it to 20% – I do want to address the bit about the waitstaff’s minimum wage.
It’s well-known that employers can pay their waitstaff as little as $2.13 an hour (this varies from state to state, but the Federal minimum is $2.13), and the Federal minimum wage is $6.55 (set to rise to $7.25 in July), and that’s often used to justify tips. However, the Fair Labor Standards Act, which governs this sort of thing, requires that if an employee makes little enough in tips that his or her hourly wage would fall below the minimum wage for non-tipped positions ($6.55/$7.25), the employer must make up the difference.
In other words, unless the restaurant manager/owner is violating Federal law, all wait staff make at least $6.55 an hour ($7.25 in July). (http://www.dol.gov/esa/WHD/flsa/index.htm for more on that.)
This shouldn’t be used as an excuse not to give tips – gratuity for service rendered is part of our culture in the US (although not necessarily elsewhere!). But I don’t think the $2.13 tipped minimum wage should be used as the reason *to* give tips, either, especially since it’s not quite true.
@Sars – *heart!*
@Chris Anthony They may be violating the law but they all do it. I’ve worked a variety of waitstaff jobs as have some of my family and I have never had an employer make up the difference in my paycheck. I actually didn’t even know that was an option.
Nice to know now though. I’ll be making sure my friends/relatives with waitstaff jobs know that is the case.
:)
Kudos! Excellent.
But yeah, 10% is actually the minimum tip (but really only if there was a problem with the service), 15% standard, and 20% for excellent service. I always give 20% though, cause it’s easier than figuring 15%, and even if the service isn’t good, I feel sorry for waiters.
And having now read all the comments:
1. “Manners” and “etiquette” in their true form, as evidenced by this list, are not some arbitrary attempt to control you and make you feel inferior. They are a way to be kind to others, and not inconvenience or abuse them.
2. Observing these rules is in your best interest, because if you don’t, your friends, as they age, get jobs, kids, mortgages and other responsibilities, will find that their time and money are precious. Your charm will no longer make up for your flakiness. You will start hearing about parties you weren’t invited to. Your relatives will send gifts to your sibling who writes thank you notes, but not to you. These people in your life will rarely do you the favor of “scolding” you, or informing you of why you’ve been cut out, and off, as Sars has done here. You’ll just be 30 years old, and wondering what happened to the social life you used to have. Your choice.
3. Tipping is NOT a cultural issue, its an economic one. If you come from a culture that does not tip, it’s likely that waitstaff in your home country get paid a living wage by the restaurant. In America, waiters do not get paid a living wage. If you eat out, that extra 20% or so is just part of the price of eating your meal in the restaurant. If you can’t pay it, get take out and eat at home — do not steal the waiter’s services without paying for them. If you do not tip in America, you are not expressing your culture, you are simply a jerk.
I know other people have said these things in the comments, but couldn’t resist adding my 2 cents.
Here’s the problem with tipping: it’s an unfair and illogical method of determining wages.
Why does the waitress who delivers a $5 burger to my table get $1 as a tip, while the one who delivers a $20 steak & potato get $4 as a tip? My cousin doesn’t eat pork but her answer to “what’s good?” is always “the ribs are great” because it’s the most expensive thing on the menu (and therefore the biggest tip).
The cost of the building, cleaning, food, and cooking is all factored into the cost on the menu, why is the cost of carrying the food out of the kitchen and to my table not factored in (and why is it 15-20% the cost of the food?).
So I guess my question is, when I get bad service and “only” give a 10% tip, why does the waiter get mad at ME for not paying his wages? Why not get mad at the restaurant for giving me the power to determine his wages?
Tip what you want. I worked in customer service for 8+ years. Non-tippers come with the territory. To tell someone to order take-out because the don’t want to tip is VERY judgmental. Tipping is never required.
This is a strange mixture of common-sense ways to be decent to people and demands that we all just up and obey frankly arbitrary social customs, such as the reflexive sending of thank-you notes – not always the best or most heartfelt way to say thank you by a long shot – and the wearing of fancy attire to fancy parties. What if we don’t like fancy parties? What if we think that they’re snobby, elitist vestiges of the Victorian era? Certainly it’s reasonable to ask that someone keep clothing that is relatively inoffensive in such environs, but to ask that they keep “nice clothing” – such garments being expensive and not to everyone’s taste – is not really reasonable. If someone pushes and cajoles me into coming to their oh-so-fancy affair, they shouldn’t be surprised or offended if I show up in a vintage Nehru-collar coatdress, not a thirty gazillion-dollar ballgown. I just don’t care enough about their party to save up for several months to buy a garment that is not to my taste and which I will end up wearing once or perhaps twice or thrice. I am not rich, and I do not dress normally. There is no unspoken social contract demanding me to be an effete, ball gown-possessing snob that I’m aware of, and if there is, I don’t give a shit.
There is also something to be said for keeping a balance between being nice to people and being authentic and outspoken. Some people seem to be so caught up in being “traditional” and following etiquette that they’ll follow a rule even if they disagree with it. This is wrong; a person’s first allegiance must be to their own conscience.
@John: I will never understand why the word judgemental has acquired a negative connotation. We all make judgements; we hope that they are fair and accurate. I have no problem judging someone who can afford a meal out but can’t afford to pay someone else who’s working for $2.13/hr. for serving them to be a cheapskate bastard.
@Anja Flower, no one said a thirty gazillion dollar ball gown. A nice dress, suitable for wearing to the theater, a funeral, a wedding a dressier party, church, etc. And for a man, a suit. You can get such a garment for around $100-and sooner or later an occasion will pop up when you need it. And if I’m your friend and I’m throwing a dressy party, because I LIKE dressing up, and “your conscience” is more important than doing something because I asked you as a friend because its important to me-well, that says a lot about how you treat your friends. And, BTW, reverse snobbery is still snobbery…oh, but here’s a tip for that plate of defensiveness and attitude you just served up.
I think that these rules are great. I also think we need to include if you are over 25 it is now time to stop talking about yourself and become interested in others and what is happening in the world because it does affect you!!
There have always been ‘rules or guidelines’ for behavior.’ To wit: The Ten Commandments, The Golden Rule, Miss Manners, Emily Post.
I believe society is always looking for general rules that we can mutually agree upon as reasonable expectations for co-existing. A polite society emerged. In my grandmothers etiquette book, @1935-36, women did not leave the house without their white gloves, hat, nor unescorted! Teachers were unmarried women, for the most part. Of course one wrote thank you notes – and one had calling cards one left when one visited.
So if “25 and Over” came as a surprise to anyone or difficult for anyone – it could be worse!
Now, I am off to work on the lateness bit – my nemesis!
25+
Anja, the simple advice if you don’t wish to adhere to the dress standard your host desires is to DECLINE THE INVITATION. You really haven’t figured out that inviting you to a party is not about you, it’s about the host?
If you are not grown up enough to figure out how to decline, the rest of your life must be abjectly miserable.
@Anja:
The tenor of your comment seems to be one of non-conformity for its own sake. If you don’t care for the attire of the party, then don’t go. Better yet, if you’re that bothered by it then throw your own event with the dress code you want.
Otherwise, showing up to a party wearing attire you know for a fact goes against the “dress code” just reeks on its face of attention whoring.
@ whoever thought #9 is dumb, learning to walk in heels. If someone doesn’t know how to walk in heels, not only is it obvious, but it looks like they’re 5 years old playing in mommy’s dress-up. They teeter, sway, clomp, and they look like trash, frankly. They look like they bought the heels b/c they’re pretty and fashionable but that’s it. Swaying the hips a bit when you walk is sexy; wobbling because you don’t know how to walk in heels makes you look like a penguin. If you can’t handle it, wear flats.
As for the rest, even though I’ve been doing all of the above for years (even though i’m only 22) I totally know the type of people you’re talking about. This made me crack up SO much! Kudos.
snoozeroo
and who are you? this list is so ignorant and biased. go actually change the world.
Amazing list of advice! I love it.
A requisite addition to this list (and I would argue for anyone out of high school) is to stop speaking like a valley girl teenager. I’m talking about speech interrupters such as ‘like’, ‘um’, and ‘you know.’ We all have the occassional slip-up, but listening to sentences in which every 3rd word is ‘like’ is quite frustrating. Learn to say “he said” or “she responded”, rather than “he was like” and “she was like”. Learn to slow down so that your speech isn’t riddled with ums. We’re treated like adults, let’s sound like adults.
“Here’s the problem with tipping: it’s an unfair and illogical method of determining wages.”
Agreed, but that’s how it’s done. Lobby your congressperson to demand that waitstaff be paid minimum wage. Until that happens, tip.
“What if we don’t like fancy parties? What if we think that they’re snobby, elitist vestiges of the Victorian era?”
Decline the invitation and don’t go.
“Tipping is never required.”
Not by law, just by good manners. Otherwise, you’re freeriding on others.
@ snoozy, who said, “this list is so ignorant and biased. go actually change the world”:
The author of the piece inspired her readers to raise more than $100,000 for DonorsChoose last October. They donated nearly as much the year before. In my book, that’s changing the world, one kid at a time. You may disagree with her list, you may even find it “ignorant and biased,” but get your facts straight before you get all dismissive.
Word, LaSalleUGirl
I think people who bust out their cell phones when the bill comes to calculate EXACTLY 15% of their total bill are cheap morons. Is it really going to kill you to leave $4 instead of $3.72? Cheap people drive me crazy.
@Alex – “She responded”? Really? Who says that in everyday speech?
“Agreed, but that’s how it’s done. Lobby your congressperson to demand that waitstaff be paid minimum wage. Until that happens, tip.”
Oregon law requires all waitstaff to be paid at least Oregon’s minimum wage. (currently $8.40). Everyone is still expected to tip. Fair?
Anne-Cara,
I say “she responded.”
Really.
I’m a curmudgeon who could not agree more. But I think you’re too generous in saying these things ought to be learned or adapted after 25. After 18 or 20 seems more apt to me. I suppose you’re being realistic, though. This culture doesn’t encourage the kind of maturity you’re talking about in anyone under 50, much less 30, so go for it.
I love this post.
I’m a 21 year old soon-to-be college graduate planning to print this list out, frame it, put it on my wall, and give it as graduation presents in lieu of Walmart gift cards or whatever else is “fashionable” in gift giving nowadays.
Thank you.
I hate tipping. I have worked in customer service for eight years. I have done some of the most ridiculous things for people, and have received a small handful of tips. People treat me like shit because I have low end job. Little do they know I am an educated, degree holding proffessional who is just working a job on the weekends. Screw the food industry. If the wait staff sucks then I don’t tip. If I tip them; it is what I feel they deserve.
I first came to know of this post when someone linked it in (one of) their blogpost and it sparked a bit of interest so I figured I’d come here and read the whole thing. I must admit I was a little cynical when I began reading just because I don’t believe anybody should be MADE to “grow up” but now that I’m done, I realize I LOVE THIS and THANK YOU for writing it! I don’t believe it should particularly apply to only 25’s and above’s though. I think the earlier (20 or so) the better. All of this is COMMON ADULT COURTESY yeah and if people past puberty don’t already have all this (somewhat) programmed and pat down, then they should just be a rugrat the rest of their lives.
Yes, let’s all be mindless drones and act by “society’s” standards, just because some random person on the internet would like everyone to do so.
I know what’s good for me better than you do, but thanks.
“…[L]et’s all be mindless drones and act by ‘society’s’ standards…”
Because acting like a size 9 asshat is a sure sign of creative genius, and will endear you to everyone. And also, because you were forced at gunpoint to read this essay.
It might be worth noting, also, that knowing “what’s good for me” is not necessarily the crux of the argument, here. The assumption is, I think, that a functioning adult, regardless of locale or economic status, should know how to act around others, assuming of course that the “others” are not wolves.
As a mother of 20 somethings I must say, you really hit a nerve.
May I add; If you decided you were “mature” enough to drop out of college (after Mum and Dad paid $$,000.) before you got your degree, whining about how you suffer (no insurance, no good jobs, crappy car, sucky table waiting job, etc., etc.) is insulting to your family and irritating to everyone else. Choose to drop out = choose to be poor = amputate your own options in life.
Growing up is accepting the consequences of your choices.
This is response to Chris in regards to tipping. Don’t speak of what you ill informed about.
Jaybird,
That’s a bit insulting to the wolves! They actually have quite a complex social system within their pack. Wolves who refuse to obey this sort of order generally get driven out and are forced to fend on their own.
Maybe rabid hyenas is a better analogy?
The poster isn’t telling everyone to get a corporate 9 to 5, vote Republican and make sure to attend church every Sunday. That would be lame. All they seem to want is for folks to remember what common courtesy is. Sure, you’re a unique and wonderful individual, just like they promised you in kindergarten… but you also have to realize that you’re living in a community of other unique and wonderful individuals, and living in a community means learning how to get along with others so you’re not excluded.
You know, like a wolf pack.
Listen, folks, most of you are going to be poor in two years, when the rising prices eat up what little money you have left, and ironically, what few of you have houses will still be underwater on your mortgages. You’ll be fighting each other for food, for your very survival. I respect etiquette, but it’s not useful for the masses, not anymore. If you’re preaching to the top 1% for whom food will be secure and etiquette will still matter, then why do it on a blog?
Your ignorance of the future is more laughable than your rude judgments of those who don’t measure up to your silly rules.
WE’LL be “fighting each other for food, for [our] very survival”? So in the meantime, indulge in as much assiness as possible? M’kay, then. I was under the impression that rudimentary consideration of others was one thing that prevented “the masses”, as you put it, from turning into mobs, but whatever. I’m off to cut a torch and practice my angry mumbling.
Eden, I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re right: Even wolves have rules of behavior.
also, no one over 25 should have their tongue pierced or if they feel they must, it should be discreetly hidden and NEVER, ever stuck out in photos.
also, no one over 25 should have instant messenger and NEVER should have “myspace” pictures that they have taken of themselves with their arm in the picture. grow up!!
As a foreigner, there are some things that definitely do not match my culture as far as staying over at people’s houses is concerned or even about thank you notes.
In fact, in some cultures you’re expected to be at least 15 minutes late to someones house so the hostess has a grace period in case her plans don’t sit perfectly time-wise. I personally hate it when I have a last-minute disaster at my place and some guest turns up to watch the scramble to fix it.
Other cultures attach great importance to dreams and thus wouldn’t dream of interrupting someone if they were sharing theirs.
I am offended at the comments about foreigners and how they should observe tipping customs in the US. Perhaps the people who are offended at tourists not tipping enough should consider how unpopular American Tourists are in other countries because they are usually loud, obnoxious and cannot respect the customs of the country they are visiting either.
I’d suggest not pointing fingers, you have good tippers and bad tippers everywhere. You work because you are earning money and trying to get through life, but so is everyone else. Getting mad because someone can’t calculate the tip well enough for you or just got it wrong is pointless and just adds to your own stress levels.
My point is, much as we might like the universe to abide by our wonderful ideas of civilized society, perhaps the best rule to follow is to “live and let live”. At least that way we don’t get tonnes of comments about people who think their rights are being infringed upon by a set of rules. Plus, that way, you get to learn about how other people like to live and maybe even be open enough to pick up a good habit or two that never occurred to you!
Life is all about being better than what you were. There is no age for it, there’s just a mindset.
As someone who is 17 days away from getting married, I have to put in my two cents worth that RSVPing is one of the most important things you can do for your friends, as well as not inviting guests who are not invited. If you are invited to a wedding or formal party of any sort, and are not invited as “XX and guest” then you should not bring a guest. It is entierly unacceptable to write in guests, and even more unacceptable to fail to RSVP, or fail to respond to inquaries about your attendance after you have failed to RSVP. I think this article is on the nose in so many ways. If one of your friends cares enough about you to spend 50 or 75$ to invite you to their wedding, or to a party, or anywhere else for that matter, you should care enough about them to reply.
I hate that so many people these days scoff at etiquette and think that it is antiquated. I agree with the comment that says that etiquette is not about following a certain set of rules – it’s about consideration and kindness. I dont think anyone is above that.
I would also like to add a few other rules that weren’t mentioned here. When your friends specifically ask you not to do something, please respect their wishes. If your friend asks for no strippers at their bachelor/bachelorette, oblige, don’t have strippers there just because that is what you would want at theirs. If your friend asks that you not to try to make them watch a certain movie, don’t put it on the second they get to your house. etc. Basically, just be respectful of other’s wishes when you can. And second, when you are invited to a dinner party, or an informal gathering, or even just to dinner, it is nice to at least offer to bring something. Bring a 6-pack or a bottle of wine, bring dessert, bring something.
And finally, I think that these guidelines of etiquette extend to all adults outside of college, 25 or not, if you’ve gotten a college education, if you’re old enough to drink, and if you’re able to basically pay your own bills, you’re old enough to be respectful of your friends and family and do them the simple service of being polite.
Note to Chris re: restaurant tipping:
Smart comment. Except that, those tips will really come out of the patron’s pocket one way or another. Rest assured that if there were a mass movement to stop tipping and suddenly all restaurants had to start making up their staff’s lost tips out of their own budgets, we’d see that in the price of our entrees.
And to Clare: YES, RSVP’ing is the single most egregious thing I see all the time. Professionally I have planned many events and it is so hard to get people to respond to invitations. Even with the advent of Evite, which requires only the click of a mouse to respond to – many folks just can’t be bothered. I personally think it is extremely rude and when it’s my party I always wonder if others are just waiting for something better to come along … y’know, keeping their options open. Really bad. As someone else said, it is not all about you.
BTW, Claire – hope your wedding is fab!
great post.
but really.. Thank You notes? number 1?
Ya put a smile in my face.
I LOVE this list! Thank you so much for writing it. I posted the link to the article in my msn name for awhile so that people would check it out.
Thanks again!
I love the 20% tippers. They just help subsidize my 10% tips.
May I suggest instead of having to tip, the States should ensure that there is a minimum wage that service should be optional like the rest of the world….I hate getting the vulcan death stare and the threat of being turned into a pillar of slat because the service you received was so dire you’d rather regurgitate the meal rather than pay for the priviledge.
Sammy I love that you have kindly reminded ladies to wear heels…a very civilized ‘Mad Men’ kinda old skool advice we need. Especially at my age!
You sound very British and very proper! Anyway I loved it! Very perceptive, and so right! I have made many of the above mentioned mistakes, and consequently learned the hard way, when I found myself on the receiving end! Isn’t the Universe wonderful, to re-educate us, it reverses situations.. and out of necessity we have to grow-up. Well, most of us manage to do this in our own unique version of grown-up-ness.
Wer’e not going to get everything right, we are human, and people make mistakes, that’s ok, but not learning from them isn’t.
I think the main thing is to care, to be polite, kind and generous when we can, and to carry a standard of internal decency that cannot be compromised, and..not to expect anything of others that we don’t expect of ourselves.
This has been a pleasure, and thankyou.