25 And Over
If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.
Grow up.
And when I instruct you to grow up, I do not mean that you must read up on mortgage rates, put aside candy necklaces, or desist from substituting the word “poo” for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tardiness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you have turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for exclusion from social occasions.
And now, for those of you who might have misplaced them, marching orders for everyone born before 1980.
1. Remember to write thank-you notes. If you do not know when a thank-you note is appropriate, consult an etiquette book — the older and more hidebound the book, the better. When in doubt, write one anyway; better to err on the side of formality. An email is not sufficient thanks for a physical gift. Purchase stationery and stamps, set aside five minutes, and express your gratitude in writing. Failure to do so implies that you don’t care. This implication is a memorable one. Enough said.
2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Presumably you have a job, and the means to procure yourself a hotel. If so, do so. If not, stay home. Mentioning that you plan a visit to another city may lead to an invitation to stay with a friend or family member, which you may of course accept; assuming that “it’s cool if you crash” is not. Wait for the invitation; if it is not forthcoming, this is what we call “a hint,” and you should take it and make other arrangements.
3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. You may ask for help; you may not expect it, particularly if your move date is on a weekday. Your friends have jobs to go to, and you have accumulated a lot of heavy books by this point in your life. Hire a mover. If you cannot afford a mover, sell your books or put them in storage — or don’t move, but one way or another, you will have to cope.
4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. As children, we live in our own heads, bonking into things, gnawing on twigs, emitting random squawks because we don’t know how to talk yet. Then, we enter nursery school. You, having graduated college or reached a similar age to that of the college graduate, need to learn to sense others and get out of their way. Walk single file. Don’t blather loudly in public spaces. Give up your seat to those with disabilities or who are struggling with small children. Take your headphones off while interacting with clerks and passersby. Do not walk along and then stop suddenly. It is not just you on the street; account for that fact.
5. Be on time. The occasional public-transit snafu is forgivable, but consistent lateness is rude, annoying, and self-centered. If we didn’t care when you showed up, we’d have said “any old time”; if we said seven, get there at seven or within fifteen minutes. Do not ditz that you “lost track of time” as though time somehow slipped its leash and ran into traffic. It shows a basic lack of respect for others; flakiness is not cute anymore, primarily because it never was. Buy a watch, wind it up, and wear it everywhere you go.
6. Have enough money. I do not mean “give up your scholarly dreams and join the world of corporate finance in order to keep up with the Joneses.” I mean that you should not become that girl or boy who is always a few dollars short, can only cover exactly his or her meal but no tip, or “forgot” to go to the ATM. Go to the ATM first, don’t order things you can’t afford, and…
7. Know how to calculate the tip. Ten percent of the total; double it; done. You did not have to major in math to know how this works. You are not dumb, but your Barbie-math-is-hard flailing is agonizing and has outstayed its welcome. Ten percent times two. Learn it.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Nobody cares. People who starred in the dream may care, but confine your synopsis to ten words or fewer.
9. Learn to walk in heels. Gentlemen, you are at your leisure. Ladies: If you wear heels, know how to operate them. Clomping along and placing your foot down flat with each step gives the appearance of a ten-year-old playing dress-up, but a pair of heels is like a bicycle — you need momentum to stay up. Come down on the heel and carry forward through the toe, using your regular stride. If you feel wobbly, keep practicing, or get a pair that’s better suited to your style of walking. It isn’t a once-a-year prom thing anymore for a lot of you, so please learn to walk in them.
10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. A dress code, or suggested attire on an invitation, is not an instrument of The Man. Own one nice dress, or one reasonable suit, or one sharp pair of pants and chic sweater — something you can clean up nice in for a wedding or a semi-formal dinner. You don’t have to like it, but if the invitation requests it, put it on. Every night can’t be poker night. Which reminds me…
11. Do as invitations ask you. Don’t bring a guest when no such courtesy is extended. Don’t blow off an RSVP; it means “please respond,” and you should. “Regrets only” means you only answer if you can’t come. If the party starts at eight, show up at eight — not at seven-thirty so you can go a “better” party later, not at eleven when dinner is cold. Eight. Cocktail parties allow for leeway, of course, but pay attention and read instructions; your host furnished the details for a reason.
12. Know how. Know how to drive. Know how to read a map. Know how to get around. Know how to change a tire, or whom to call if you can’t manage it, or how to get to a phone if you don’t have a cell phone. We will happily bail you out, until it becomes apparent that it’s what you always need. The possibility of a fingernail breaking or a hairstyle becoming compromised is not grounds for purposeful helplessness.
13. Don’t use your friends. It’s soulless. It’s also obvious. If the only reason you continue to associate with a person is to borrow his or her car, might I remind you that you have now turned 25 and may rent your own.
14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. College is over. The war stories have their amusements, but not over and over and not at every gathering. Get a library card, go to the movies, participate in the world. Working is not living. Be interested so that you can be interesting.
15. Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree “owes you.” It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.
16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years ago.
17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. No loose bags on the floor; no using a roll of toilet paper; no plates or empty soda cans. You are not a fierce warrior nomad of the Fratty Bubelatty tribe. Buy a wastebasket and grown-up paper products.
18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. They are, generally, as follows — midnight to six AM on weekdays, 2 AM to 8 AM on weekends. Mine is a fairly generous interpretation, by the by, so bass practice should conclude, not start, at ten PM. Understand also that just because nobody has complained directly to you does not mean that a complaint is not justified, or pending. Further, get your speakers off the floor. Yes, “now.” Yes, a rug is still “the floor.”
19. Take care of yourself. If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don’t enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so — to them. Change is hard; that’s too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy’s shift is over.
20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. Rudeness is a signifier of itself, nothing more. We all have bad days; yours is not weightier than anyone else’s, comparatively, and does not excuse displays of poor breeding. Be civil or be elsewhere.
January 17, 2005
Tags: etiquette
Never, ever, ever has a comment thread on the internet made me want to punch a hippie more than this thread. Yeesh.
Thank you. This will go on the fridge for my 30 something friends who still manage to behave pre-25.
I find this refreshing and hilarious. It sounds like the perfect Happy Birthday you’re an adult deal with it speech. Yuck I want to be eighteen again!
I would add to this list:
Put your phone away when having a converstaion with a real person. No you do not have to ‘just answer this text’ unless you are a doctor or other professional on call, you need to pay attention to the people you are with.
I’m over 25 and I have given up on wearing heels to please whoever except myself. And I have grown up.
Thank you, this is excellent, funny, and true. I got linked here from TWoP, and just spent the last chunk of time cruising through the comments.
The debate is stimulating, but people, the point of these guidelines is to encourage us to think of others and take responsibility for ourselves. It’s not a prescription for wearing heels or fancy outfits.
I’m most amazed that people are balking over 15% vs. 20% tips. What are we talking about usually? $2-$5? Goodness. The 20% calculation is partly there to make it EASIER to do the math, so as to avoid the extremely annoying dithering from people who can’t seem to figure it out, or begin debating about 50c. here or there. Smooth the way, folks. Do your best to make life easier for yourself and those around you.
If it was common sense, we wouldn’t need posts like this. As it is, this is extremely valuable, and as someone twice this age, it was still a good reminder.
For the love of Pete, please read the actual text.
“IF you wear heels.” IF. IF YOU WEAR THEM. Nowhere do I say that you must wear them, only that if you do, you need to know how to walk in them so that your teetering “progress” isn’t blocking 289 people on the sidewalk behind you.
You wear them, you don’t, I truly don’t give a shit, but read what I actually wrote before you get defensive.
Totally spot on, except for one bit: “Know How”. I kind of know how to drive a car, but I don’t have a drivers’ license and don’t intend to acquire one any time soon. So, basically, I don’t drive.
I live in a city with decent public transit and I am quite adept at using it. I also have good reasons for not wanting to drive: a) I moved to another city for a while when I was 17, just before I was to finish drivers’ ed, and have not yet got around to actually completing the program, b) I’m trying to deal with a drinking problem (and yeah, I’m getting help) and don’t really trust myself not to drive “when I’ve only had a few”, and c) the concept of being in control of a large object that can kill people when I have the attention span of a goldfish absolutely terrifies me.
So I think I’m actually being responsible here. I don’t know how to change tires or even pump gas because it’s never come up. But I can get anywhere I need to go if I have access to a bus schedule, a map, and shanks’ mare.
Basically, I don’t think it’s a big deal to be an adult and not know how to drive, providing you’re versed in transit options and not constantly pleading for a ride.
Oh, and, “Is it really going to kill you to leave $4 instead of $3.72? Cheap people drive me crazy.”
I think the word you’re looking for is “broke”. Yeah, that would piss me off if we were talking about a $40 bill, but if it’s 28 cents we’re dealing with, what’s the big deal? I’ve done the 15% exactly calculation before, and it’s because I’d like to give the staff their fair due without leaving myself broke. I go into places, look at prices, and then figure out tax and tip before ordering only what I can afford.
28 cents may not seem like very much, but it can buy a pack of ramen noodles.
@mels: I don’t think the point of “know how” (which is my personal favorite on the list) is that everyone Should Know How to Drive but that your choice to not learn how to drive should not be a burden on other people. You’re bussing it and that’s awesome. You Know How to Get There On Your Own, that’s the point.
(People who do drive don’t necessarily need to know how to change a tire, either–but they should know how to resolve a flat tire situation if it happens without collapsing helplessly in the ditch. An insurance policy with roadside assistance, for example.)
Oh, and, #21. Have insurance!
Might I propose an addendum, in response to Kelly’s hippie-punching urge above?
“If you’re going to act like a thoughtless, inconsiderate, self-regarding turd, do not claim sophisticated politics or arcane philosophy as your motivation for antisocial, immature behavior. Name–and claim–your own dickery. We all SUSPECT that you are a douche merely because you want to be, anyway.”
Actually, that should have read “in agreement with”, not “in response to”.
Curses.
@Jaybird Here here!! Couldn’t have said it better, or more hilariously, myself. This is a great list of 25 and over to-dos and something our generation seems to need badly.
Love it. Obviously you can add on to an “adult-list” for days, but I would have liked to see a bedding/laundry provision. Flipping over your comforter to the side with the least stains, is a practice that needs retiring. No one any longer high-fives you for the f*ck-markings left on your bed, and that applies even if the love mark bares resemblance to Mother Theresa. Chuuuuuch.
Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years hence.
i think you mean prior…you’re giving us several years of binge drinking by using “hence”
Thought I’d edited that; it’s changed now.
In _response_ to Kelly and Jaybird, quoted below, your own antisocial sentiment is still antisocial and certainly not grown-up… even if it is directed at the immature. You’d be more adult by offering a makeover than becoming a hypocrite.
Kelly:
Never, ever, ever has a comment thread on the internet made me want to punch a hippie more than this thread. Yeesh.
Jaybird:
“If you’re going to act like a thoughtless, inconsiderate, self-regarding turd, do not claim sophisticated politics or arcane philosophy as your motivation for antisocial, immature behavior. Name–and claim–your own dickery. We all SUSPECT that you are a douche merely because you want to be, anyway.”
M’kay, Jack. Would YOU like a makeover?
Nice post – very well stated. I read through all the comments (whew!) and I could not get over the people who thought that you were trying to impose arbitrary rules. The author isn’t coming up with random rules just to please the etiquette gods here, people – she’s writing something to give you very specific examples of “unadult” things that people do that show a lack of respect for others. She makes it pretty plain that she doesn’t care if you wear heels or not, but that if you wear them at least learn how to walk in them (Midtown NYC is horrible because of people who don’t know how to walk, I completely agree – that may be a blog post in and of itself). She’s not urging you to tip because waiters need more money (though they do – waiting tables sucks) but because, if you’re out with a group, someone is going to be the responsible one and leave a decent tip, thus taking up your slack. It’s not that she doesn’t think your friends should help you move or that they should only have fancy parties, it’s that you shouldn’t just expect them to help and that you should respect the parties that they throw (and not drink so much that you vomit and spoil everyone else’s evening). This is what “etiquette” and “politeness” is really about.
Of course, that’s just my opinion. You, as the Internet, are free to disregard it as you please.
[…] Today, I read one of those pieces: 25 And Over […]
In light of the comments, I would suggest to the author that she consider adding a final suggestion such as this one:
21. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to take advice. Taking advice implies thoughtful consideration – and not necessarily wholesale adoption – of a suggestion. Learn to read advice such as “write thank-you notes” and, if the writing of thank-you notes strikes you as archaic or environmentally irresponsible or otherwise oppressive, consider preserving the spirit of the advice in a manner you find more appropriate. One could call or send an email thank-you to those friends who detest physical mail, for example, or invest in recycled stationary. As an adult, one can thoughtfully amend advice without needing to malign or belittle the person giving it.
I want to add that after 21 you are no longer a “boy” or a “girl” you are a man or you are a woman. Minors and small children are boys and girls. Grow the f* up.
Not sayihng that there should never be fun again, but I see a lot of 20-somethings who act no different from 15 year olds and its pretty sad. 30 and 40 comes up pretty fast, and while you are still young you don’t have quite as much time as you think.
Better to get it together now and set your foundation than to be struggling five years hence. That includes taking care of your body. The twenties is a good time to get and stay in shape. Your 40 year old self will thank you.
Great list; I’m only sad that there are people who need to be told these things. I’m 40 and have instilled most of these into my 9-year-old son.
Just because the younger generation does things this way among themselves does not mean that it is now the way the world works. You WILL be seen as cheap/immature/lazy/inconsiderate by most people outside your age range if you insist on imposing your standards upon a world with order and manners. Most of us are too gracious to tell you, though, and very few of us will find it worth the potential confrontation by pulling you aside to gently instruct you that 7 o’clock means “no later than 7 o’clock.” If you wonder why certain friends are no longer inviting you to events or always have plans when you’re in town, or have begun seeing yourself as the perpetual victim, maybe it’s time to examine this list a little more closely.
If you’re struggling with these tips, envison a world in which everyone you encounter behaves only in their own self-absorbed ways and maybe some of these suggestions might make more sense.
I would just like to say it’s been a year since Shawn’s very insightful comment and I’ve spent all my time stock piling food and preparing to bludgeon more polite citizens for the last can of beans at the grocery store.
I sincerely hope that the coming crisis gets here soon, otherwise I’ll just feel silly.
This sounds like it was written by a pampered, arrogant, ignorant, current housewife who enjoyed a privileged childhood in some upper-class American suburban community. I hate this condescending attitude; you assume that what you have experienced thus far is exactly the perfect sequence of itineraried life. Go see a doctor if you’re sad? To the citizens of which countries do you speak? Last I checked unemployment was roughly 30% for people under 30 in California, and the third world insurance based health care system had not been fixed. I know you’re trying to be witty and humorous, but please be respectful and down to earth. Non of this was clever, non of this was accurate, and to anyone who is actually 25 in the year 2010, non of this matters. Life today is not the life our parents, nor our grandparents enjoyed. It is unique, as every generation is, and the only social norms you should be concerned with are those of your contemporaries who are actually living in the same world as you. Eat one, Sarah D.
I do enjoy the suggestion of building up tolerance: “if you throw up when you drink, drink more, more often, so that you learn to handle it better in social situations.” In all seriousness though Sarah was your motivation to write this your annoying younger siblings asking you for money?
Learn to spell “none,” Curtis!
How fitting is this for this to be my first response to someone’s blog. I would like to thank you for writing this. Very refreshing. I will save this as a favorite and read this from time to time. Here is a wishful thinking scernario. May I, recomend that you devote an entire marketing plan to MTV, Waner Bros., and every other media outlet to get there to bring awarness to the youth, and sadly, most adults on this subjct. Its sad how much stupidity, arogance, and rudeness that I see on a daily bases.
[…] to adapt, even if I don’t completely embrace the change, so there’s that. How did Tomato Nation put it way back in 2005? Oh yeah, down in number 19, one of my favorite quotes ever: Change is hard; that’s too bad. […]
I agree with Curtis, too bad his lazy editor opened the door for that brilliant response. I do think this comes across as condescending (see #14). I certainly agree that people over the age of 25 should be courteous and respectful, but why is that not expected before the age of 25? Almost all of the examples you laid out refer to cultural issues, not age. It sounds more like Peter Griffin’s “you know what grinds my gears” segment of petty quarrels with American society. I personally wouldn’t want to befriend someone who feels that way about helping their friends move. And to everyone that wants to paste this on their wall, take Sarah’s advice and read some quality, clever musings on social pet peeves.
This is bullshit fellas you let some ignorant tell you how to be…..this is wrong everyone is diferent and i dont think is cool everyone acts the same way this seem like a pussy ethiquet last season list to me…be gratefull and respectfull wuth others and yourself thats all the people need to do at age 12 18 25 or 50
There are a couple of these I don’t agree with, but I know what you’re getting at. With the friends one, I personally wish that friends could be a little more honest about what they can and can’t do. “Can you give me a ride?” or “Can I stay at your place?” I usually try to make it extremely clear that I’ll make something else happen if it’s not possible, or to make it extremely clear when it’s just an emergency. For most of those folks, I’ve already put in the time for them growing up. If it would be a pain for me to stay at your house, I’d really like to know and would not be offended. I guess a good compromise is mentioning something about the hotel and allowing them to bite, or asking them in such a way that makes it clear you’re asking them about the space in their house, not if they want you there.
As for the most recent commenter… really? Does that mean that you do half of these things and don’t like being called on it? I can think of a recent example — I was riding on Amtrak in the quiet car, and I gave someone a hard time for making a loud cell phone call. What I got was something of an “oh, excuse ME your highness,” like it was totally unreasonable of me to maybe want quiet in the quiet car.
Society has rules. You can follow them or not, but if you’re not planning on following them, suck it up and don’t lash out when someone calls you on the BS and try to make it about them.
I agree with all of this personally.
And I am probably being nit-picky, but…
However, for people who are broke it might be hard to go to a doctor. Not everyone can afford to take care of themselves.
Also, I don’t think you have considered Mental illness as being something a person can control. Sometimes people can’t just snap out of it. It isn’t as easy as other people might think.
T.I.P. used to stand for To Insure Promptness and given before the meal so that it was good.
Anyways, if your dinner was bad and the service was bad, even though the person might be having a bad day, who deserves the money more? I’m not sure.
[…] grown to love the dream dictionary, despite the cheesiness of it. I’ve agreed with Sars that DREAMS ARE BORING and NO ONE CARES HOW WEIRD YOUR DREAM […]
Im 25 very soon! And this post is so passé… come on… who wanna live like this? Maybe u had enough of life when u turned 25 and walked into the shady world and set of rules and behaviour created by mainstream society… Anarchy to the spirit :)
Hugs and Kizzzes and all the nasty things we write and do when we are ALIVE and wanna do them… :D
One of the most important things that my mother ever taught me, and she reminded me of it on my 25th birthday a few days ago, was this: “You’re not going to please everyone all the time. Be yourself, be respectful, and if others don’t like it, tough.”
Several of these items are very good advice. Others, however, sound like the personal preferences of a person who has put a huge burden on herself to behave perfectly all the time. For example, it’s nobody’s business what I wipe my nose on or what paper products I own in general. Several people at work and outside of work enjoy telling me their dreams, and I enjoy listening. College plans are still interesting for those of us who are about to attend grad school, I find thank-you notes annoying and outdated, and I simply will never be able to walk in heels (although, for the record, I don’t try).
But the rest of it — sure.
The official middle-class white collar guide for how to be a middle-class white collar person. Devoid of fun, wit, drive, charisma, hope, and any sense of self-worth. On top of this laundry list of must do’s in order to be considered “acceptable” by “society” you must also suck your bosses ass, be a submissive little sheep, go home every day and sit right down on the couch until you are drunk and pass out, pretend to be nice to people you hate because you lack the balls to express yourself any longer for fear the constable will come and remove you. Snitch on your friends, develop horrible habits through pretending to be someone you are not simply because other people believe it is prudent. Finally, remain in a loveless marriage because “its the right thing to do” until one of you either files for divorce or murders the other by poisoning the same food you have shared for years. Have a happy, joyless, uneventful, boring joke of a life and fade away into the annals of time another easily forgotten wasteful consumer. Thats a good sheep. Baa.
It’s interesting, the fear response this piece provokes in some people. This isn’t about anything I wrote, not really (“snitching”? henh?). It’s about what you’re afraid of becoming. I understand that people’s take on thank-you notes differs widely, but generally speaking, “common courtesy” and “grabbing your ankles for The Man” aren’t in the same area code, and I’m consistently amazed at how often this piece is taken for the latter when it’s really about the former.
Taking a second, now and then, to consider and acknowledge other people in your daily life will not melt your special-snowflakey essence in a furnace blast of Orwellian sameness. Jeez.
I actually disagree with a lot of these:
1. Remember to write thank-you notes.
I do not know *anyone* who writes thank you notes anymore (and this includes people I know who are in their 50s/60s/70s), and would never expect one back anyhow. A verbal “thank you” is enough.
7. Know how to calculate the tip
Thank goodness I live in Britain, that’s all I can say! I am very glad we are not obliged to tip unless we feel the service was good.
8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional.
Why? If a friend, no matter what their age, tells me their crazy dream, I care enough to listen and often find it very interesting.
9. Learn to walk in heels.
Again, why? Another massive assumption that ALL women must and do wear heels, despite the fact they mess up your feet and causes a lot of health problems. You want to encourage knee, feet and back problems on women by insinuating that if they don’t wear heels they are immature?
Last two points I very much agree with!
Although to be fair,most of this is just common sense.
Nowhere do I say that heels are required for ladies. Here’s what I say: “If you wear heels, know how to operate them.” IF. IF IF IF.
I am 27 and have first hand experience that these rules are “necessary for your continued survival”. To be fair to myself it was largely not my fault – I’ve developed an instinct for most of these rules naturally. While I am happy to contribute more than my fair share unfortunately, I do not/have not always had the resources to. I also have a medical condition that forbids me from driving, which makes it very difficult not to have rely on others every now and again. Which I hate doing.
My friends that I had grown up with always *said* that they understood these things, but in our early-mid 20s I could sense that they were starting to think of me as a burden. I would do my best, but as they started earning a lot more than I did, wanted to do things that required getting about a lot, holidays etc. I couldn’t do anything but get in the way of their plans; and even though they never said anything explicitly to my face, I think they started to resent me a little.
I moved to the other side of the city a couple of years ago and I have barely seen them since, despite me trying to arrange meet ups several times. I have known these friends for 15 years and have now been unofficially ostracized by them. I miss them.
TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WHO CAN FOLLOW THESE RULES: even your closest friends/family/partners will not appreciate having to carry you through life. Not only is it the considerate thing to do, not to have to continuously rely on others is fulfilling!
A UK perspective on tipping:
If it is the case that the US national minimum wage for service people takes into account a 20% or so tip, and that service people are taxed assuming that they receive this additional income, surely as a considerate adult from whatever cultural background (the tone of the article) you would tip the full 20% if you could afford it?
Coming from the UK, hearing that waiters and waitresses have a minimum wage of just $3 – $4 is shocking. As a considerate adults in a democracy, isn’t there also a wider duty (I’m trying not to be preachy, sorry if I’m coming across that way) to guide our society towards equal social opportunities and reasonable living conditions for all.
This is bloody amazing and rather funny! Thankyou for that proper slap everyone should have given us at 21!
[…] 25 And Over « Tomato Nation […]
[…] I’ve been thinking a lot about being an adult, because my birthday is around the corner and to me 25 seems like the first real “I am a grown up now!” birthday. Maybe because of this. […]
Five years after I first read this, and it’s still one of the best posts on the whole Internet.
My late 20s were painful, but some of the wisdom here helped me handle them with a little more grace than I’d have otherwise managed.
Thank you, Sarah D. Bunting.
Wow. The internet is big! Thanks for reading, and the compliment.
[…] bitching and complaining is a sign. And there’s some good stuff here.) Maybe you can use this classic Tomato Nation post about how to behave like an adult as a rough guideline. It’s certainly not an absolute standard I hold other people to (and I […]
I disagree with #8, because dreams are part of “life outside of work and school.” If you’re good at storytelling, you can edit dreams down to make them an excellent conversation piece.
I also disagree with #9. Learning to walk in heels is like learning to smoke. Sure, there are people who will think you are sexy and grown-up if you do it, but for health reasons, it’s better to abstain altogether. It’s a lot more mature to have the confidence and self-assurance to refuse to wear heels, just as our grandmothers found the resolve to refuse to wear corsets. Walking gracefully in heels is about as necessary as being a good singer.
This post was just linked by Captain Awkward, so it may be seeing more traffic! I have to say, I love this list, #4 especially. Trying to deal with people who are totally oblivious to their surroundings is such a pain. And being minimally aware really isn’t that hard! Don’t suddenly back up without checking behind you. Don’t walk 4 abreast on the sidewalk. (I work at a university. When I see a large group of students walking toward me, taking up the entire sidewalk, I move to the extreme right of the walk — and then stop. [If there’s no one behind me.] Then I make and hold eye contact with the person who’s heading straight at me. Usually, they’ll move out of the way, although they often seem surprised at having to do so.) If you’re almost to the front of the line, stop talking on your cell phone so you’ll be able to interact with the clerk.
As for many of the objections I’ve seen in the comments, to borrow a frequently used line from the social justice blogosphere: If it’s not about you, don’t make it about you. If you don’t wear heels, you don’t need to learn how to walk in them. If you like hearing people’s dreams, listen to them. If you don’t like dressing up, don’t go to events where formal dress is required. If you aren’t able to read maps because of a cognitive processing issue, then the “know how to read a map” part doesn’t apply to you; replace it with “know how to find out where you are/where you’re going”. If it’s understood among your friends that everyone’s allowed to bring dates to Game Night, then the part about not bringing a date is waived.
And for those who object to the whole list as oppressive and totalitarian, hey, you’re allowed to not follow these rules. It’s your right. Other people will probably think you’re an immature jerk, which is their right. Those “other people” may include current or prospective employers. I certainly wouldn’t hire someone who came late to an interview claiming to have lost track of time, or who showed up dressed vastly inappropriately. (And by “vastly” I don’t mean little details. I mean shorts and T-shirt when business attire is expected, or an obscene T-shirt under any circumstances.) It’s your life. Following these rules will make parts of it go more smoothly.
You know… whether or not 15% was standard once, or not tipping at all unless the service was fantastic was standard once, is irrelevant. Even if tipping were only for “above and beyond” stuff, somebody did just spend a fair amount of their time literally waiting on you.
Making sure all your food was magically ready at the right time and arrived at just about the same time as everybody else’s you were dining with so that you could all eat together, even if one of you ordered the soup that has been simmering, ready, for hours, and the other one ordered something that has to be assembled from scratch. Listening to, understanding, remembering, and accomodating any food allergies or even just food preferences. Juggling all of your timing, needs, and desires along with the timing, needs, and desires of god knows how many other people, at once, so that everybody could get their food and get out of there when they wanted. Being nice and friendly and informative even if they’ve been doing all of the above for eight hours while running around non-stop. Also, not slamming trays into your head or tripping over you or knocking your food over while they do it all, which in some crowded restaurants is damn close to a miracle. Cleaning up after you completely, immaculately. And doing it all for what are generally very low wages and, often, very rude customers.
I’ve never had to do it myself, but I’ve read enough from places like waiterrant.com that I know that what wait staff are doing is basically always what I would consider to be above and beyond.