Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » Stories, True and Otherwise

Byrd, Bex & Cousins Detective Agency

Submitted by on April 15, 2014 – 12:13 PM13 Comments

Chapter 1.

hey, it’s ellie.

I know, you’re in my phone. How’s the clearing-out going?

nana had all the books about reinhold neibuhr. i’m starting to hate reinhold neibuhr.

Yikes.

how’s the having a tree in your bedroom going?

Same. Boring. The guy in 124 keeps feeding the squirrels cereal, so that’s becoming a problem.

what happens when it gets really cold?

Not sure. Seal off the third floor, I guess. How’s your Dots holding up?

pretty okay. some stuff is worse than other stuff, you don’t always know.

Yeah.

but speaking of stuff. we found a messed-up old frame in with the college box or whatever, with an envelope stuck into the back for zoo. that’s aunt annie, right? 

Mom was Zoo, and Jane (your Nana) was Noo. Is Zoo. Whatever.

weird.

What’s in the envelope?

it has german writing on it, and i babelfished it but nana’s writing was already horrible, so i don’t know. can you look?

schwester

It’s something “for my sister.” What’d you get for that big word there? 

um. “slot book.”

Probably not. Can YOUR mom read it?

she took french.

What about Chandler?

japanese and chinese.

AND Chinese, obviously. Okay, hold on, let me make a call.

 

…PIEFKE HERE.

Hey Christian, it’s Sherry. Got a sec for a German question?

WHY YOU CAN’T USE BABELFISH. MARKET DOES NOT CLOSE FOR TWO HOURS. ALSO WHEN IS THIS DINNER TINA SAYS ABOUT, I NEVER KNOW ANYTHING ON TIME.

Second of all, Thursday after this one, and first of all, I can’t use Babelfish because my Aunt Jane had terrible handwriting and also was not so good a speller, so maybe can I just try to pronounce —

THIS IS YOUR AUNT WHO DIED IN THE SPRINGTIME, JA.

Ja. You make it sound so Edwar–

AH, OKAY. FOR HER THEN BUT QUICK QUICK.

Great thanks, so, I think it’s “shatsookah.” S-C-H-A–

“SCHATZSUCHE,” YEAH YEAH. “TREASURE HUNT,” THIS MEANS.

Treeeeeasure hunt!

S-C-H-A-T-Z-S-U-C-H-E.

Any umlauts?

IXNAY.

Awesome. Thanks, man!

I WILL SEE YOU, AND THAT GRUNER PLEASE.

You got it.

 

…”treasure hunt.” (She spelled it wrong.)

oh, nana.

I know. So the map is in the envelope?

a little key on a piece of rick-rack.

YOU know what rick-rack is?

sewing badge, doy.

Right, doy. Pic please?

key

i tried it in every box and door in this house. no joy.

There’s no more boxes in the attic, jewelry or music boxes? No map.

no more boxes, no map, just the key.

It wouldn’t fit a box at Jane and Jerry’s house? Could you ask Dots?

i asked dots, he didn’t think so. he said ask mom, she said it’s probably a box aunt annie has.

That doesn’t help.

right. if you showed her the key, though? maybe she would remember something.

But she never saw that key before. It’s a treasure hunt she didn’t go on, so if she could remember she still wouldn’t remember.

duh, right. 

Okay, I’ll call Dad, have him look around.

okay. tell me what happens.

I will.

like right away?

…Like right away. TTYL

ttyl

Share!
Pin Share


Tags:  

13 Comments »

  • Coffeedrinker says:

    I LOVE THIS. More please.

  • SPM says:

    Well done, Sarah. I’ve often found your dropped-in-the-middle narrative approach disorienting and hard to understand – that’s not a slam; I know there are a lot of people who get what you’re doing and I’m kind of slow in that respect, which is why I gave up on Subheroes – but apparently today is a good day for keeping up with you. :) Looking forward to reading more.

  • LaSalleUGirl says:

    Yay, fiction! This is so much fun. I can’t wait to see what happens!

  • ferretrick says:

    Did you ever get any further on the story about the shoes? I really liked that one.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Thank you! I’m assuming you didn’t see Part 2? https://tomatonation.com/stories-true-and-otherwise/the-shoes-part-ii/

    I believe I noted this in the comments, but that story ends there.

  • Jody says:

    My comment is only vaguely about your story, but here goes. Above you have “i tried it in every box and door in this house. no joy.” I am specifically looking at the No Joy part. This is the second time today I have read that particular statement. Once this morning in an e-mail at work from our IT guy and now this. Weird. Well weird for me as I have never heard this before and now twice in one day. Unless of course our IT guy is a TomatoNation reader and liked your phrasing, since this was written before his e-mail…

  • LynzM says:

    Ooh, I do love when this side of your writing comes out, Sars! Thanks for sharing. :)

  • Leigh in CO says:

    Ooo a treasure hunt. Key to the Treasure was one of my early childhood favorites; that key is in the same spirit

    I still think about “Dictu.” It haunts me. I just looked it up and realized it’s been over seven years. It left quite an impression!

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Wow, *I* forgot about “Dictu.” hee. Thanks for the kind words!

  • Jenn says:

    I love dialogue that sounds like people talk. I can’t get through books where the characters don’t sound realistic. This story is so distinctly your writing, Sars.

    Leigh in CO: You just inadvertently answered a question I was thinking of sending to Ask the Readers. Now that you’ve reminded me of the title, I can say that Key to the Treasure was one of my childhood favorites, too.

  • kittie says:

    Woo hoo, Sars fiction!!!!!!! More, please and thank you.

  • Colin says:

    While we’re rhapsodizing about Sars’s fiction, “Skye Loves Mambo” is still one of my favorite short stories in the whole world. I re-read it at least twice a year and “She! Is! OUR NEMESIS!” renders me helpless with laughter every time. Oh, Jonas.

    Anyway: this new work is wonderful and I’m so excited to read more.

  • frogprof says:

    “doy”
    Hee.

Leave a comment!

Please familiarize yourself with the Tomato Nation commenting policy before posting.
It is in the FAQ. Thanks, friend.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>