The universe has its laws. Conservation of energy, conservation of matter, the speed at which light travels – all well-known properties of our universe, all proven by science, all memorized by high-school physics students. Other laws, not as well codified but just as unanimously acknowledged, influence our everyday existences: the law that states that a freshly-jellied piece of toast will fall face down; the law that governs the disappearance of a single sock from the dryer; that mysterious process which dictates that all Volkswagens on the interstate, sensing an impending game of Punch Buggy, immediately head for the exit ramps, leaving children disconsolate and punchless in the backseat.

And then we have the laws by which cats live or, more accurately, the laws which cats instate, and under which they force their human companions to live. The cats themselves answer to no law – sadly, or I assure you that two striped cats of my unfortunately close and markedly miserable acquaintance would at this very moment face charges of possession of concealed weapons (claws), trespassing (on the kitchen counter, in my sweater drawer, dangling from the shower curtain, in the file cabinet, on my desk), destruction of property (see: “claws”), numerous counts of harassment (see: “claws”; see also: “jumping back and forth over human’s head at five in the morning,” “meowing loudly in human’s ear,” “pushing human’s lighter off of desk and under bookcase, there to join seven dozen other lighters purchased in last week,” “not covering poo with kitty litter and sending human reeling out of apartment to avoid noxious stench,” et al.), theft (see: “pushing human’s lighter off of desk”; see also: “pushing eight hundred Bic pens off of desk”), assault (see: “claws,” “stench,” and also “using human’s kidney as launching pad”), breaking and entering (see: “rifling through kitchen cabinet containing catnip”), indecent exposure (licking butt and genitals in front of company), possession of controlled dangerous substances (catnip), impersonating an innocent creature (see all of the above), hindering prosecution (sensing that a lockdown in the bathroom is imminent and fleeing under table), and loitering (see: constantly). Oh, no. Cats do not recognize any laws except those which state that feeding them, playing with them, gushing over how cute they look, admiring them as they dash to and fro in the dark hours before dawn, and getting up at six-thirty in the goddamn morning to run water for them in the sink because they refuse to drink from their water bowls take precedence over all other activities, regardless of their perceived importance to the human.

I myself have given up any hope. Resistance is futile. Save yourselves. Learn the laws; understand that each one is immutable.

1. If the cat wants food, it wants it now.

No amount of telling the cat to settle down, attempting to pacify it with cat treats or distract it with amusing toys, or feigning sleep will sway the cat from its desire for food.

1b. Feigning sleep doesn’t work.

1c. Ever.

I have tried. Lord, have I tried. Give up now. They don’t make an earplug thick enough to help you. Just get up and make with the snacks.

1d. If the cat already has kibble in its dish but persists in pestering you for food, it wants an audience, and it wants it now.

You will have to get up and watch the cat eat. Look interested, or the pestering will continue. If the cat sits in front of its bowl and howls, you will have to fluff up its kibble, and then you will have to watch the cat eat. Take care not to grumble during the kibble-fluffing, or the cat will feel insulted, and the pestering will continue.

2. The cat will eat certain things; the cat will not eat certain other things.

Don’t bother trying to discern a pattern here. No pattern exists. If a pattern does exist, and you figure it out, the cat will rearrange it.

2b. The cat will not “learn to like” those certain other things.

The cat will not learn to like anything. The cat likes what it likes. If the cat cannot eat what it likes, the cat will punish you for not providing it. Punishments include ear-splitting squalling, overturning dishes containing a food item not on the approved list, pooing in a shoe, and turning in a remarkably convincing imitation of a Somalian refugee. If the cat wants pastrami with the little black edges cut off, pastrami with the little black edges cut off is what you will serve the cat.

3. When the cat hears you open a can, the cat expects a snack.

For the sake of your physical safety, do not disappoint the cat in this regard.

4. When you eat, the cat eats.

Do not bother scoffing that “cats don’t eat minestrone.” If you have a bowl of minestrone in front of you, and the cat wants minestrone, the cat eats minestrone. Cats “don’t eat” Frosted Flakes, either, and yet I have seen cats eat Frosted Flakes. And French fries. And asparagus spears. You can explain to the cat that it “shouldn’t” eat a macaroon if you like, but you will give the cat the macaroon.

4b. When you finally give in and hand over the human food, the cat will sniff it, play with it, track it all over your abode, and then ignore it and cry for cat food.

No, as a matter of fact, you can’t. You can’t win.

5. The cat knows “dinner time.” The cat would like to eat two hours before that.

The actual time does not matter. You can move dinner time to two hours earlier; the cat will begin whining two hours before that. See: 1c.

6. The cat does not understand “no.”6b. Or “get down from there.”

7. The cat may understand judicious use of squirted water.

Squirted water will not deter the cat from proceeding with whatever naughtiness prompted the squirting after you have gone to sleep.

8. The cat loves your sweaters because the sweaters remind it of its mommy.

Learn it, live it, love it. Or buy sweatshirts.

9. Caught in an act of wrongdoing, the cat will look extremely cute, in proportion to the seriousness of the misdeed.

You will hear yourself repeating variations on a theme of “oh, for GOD’S SAKE. I JUST BOUGHT that vase, it cost a FORTUNE, and now it’s in A MILLION PIECES, and if I’ve told you to STAY OFF THE FUCKING COUNTER once, I’ve told you a awwwww.”

10. The cat will react to your stress by annoying you even more.

Got nothing to do? The cat is on the bed, sleeping. Got four deadlines in an afternoon? The cat is on your desk, clogging up the paper tray with tail hairs and trying to knock your Palm Pilot out of its charger and sticking its paw into your cup of tea. However

11. The cat will react to your heartbreak by hopping into your lap and purring.

Crafty little buggers.

12. The cat wants to walk near your legs. Whether or not this allows you to walk at all in the first place is of no concern to the cat.

When you step on the cat’s tail – and you will – expect to hear an offended howl. Do not bother trying to explain to the cat that it put its own tail in the path of disaster. The cat hates you now. See: 13b.

13. The cat has figured out what it means when you spell out “V-E-T.”

Don’t bother. Buy a pair of glass-blowing tongs for under-the-bed removal purposes and skip the subterfuge.

13b. Upon returning from the V-E-T, or the K-E-N-N-E-L, the cat will hate you for a period of two to seven days.

You cannot speed up the hating process. The cat will despise you even more for trying. Leave the cat alone with the forty-eight new toys you bought it and hope for a speedy resolution.

13c. The hating process may include pooing in your shoe.13d. Or speeyacking.

14. The cat will act like the demon seed in front of guests.

The cat knows full well that you cringe when it hoists up a hind leg and attends to hygiene in front of company. That’s why the cat does it. Try to ignore it. The cat will also do things like shrink away from the touch of well-meaning friends; hork up a difficult and noisy hairball, usually during the appetizer course of a dinner party; hiss at a small child; cough up a feather, then walk away without explanation; poo for the first time in three days, then curl up in an innocent circle on the couch as the fumes waft through the apartment and your guests yank their turtlenecks up over their noses. Try to ignore all of this as well, as reacting in any way will only encourage the cat to commit more, and worse, misdeeds.

15. The cat sleeps in short bursts. You will learn to sleep in short bursts too.

Empirical research suggests that it is possible to survive for more than five years on no REM sleep whatsoever. Yes, I’m talking about myself. No, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since August of 1995.

15b. If you have more than one cat, each additional cat will reduce the length of the sleep bursts geometrically.15c. When all the cats have fallen asleep, you had best sleep too.

It doesn’t matter that you just got up. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.

15d. The cat or cats will probably curl up with you when you first go to bed. Do not let this show of sleepiness fool you. The cat will have you up in no time. See: 1, 1b.15e. Trying to tire the cats out by playing with them doesn’t work.

16. In all things, the cat’s wish is your desire.

17. [Sob.]

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