Internal Memo
From: Dick Manley, COO, Guy Corporation
To: Customer Service, Sales
Cc: Marketing, Public Relations
For immediate distribution

Just a quick heads-up on the latest round of product recalls, folks. Last month’s union work stoppages continue to take their toll in terms of product quality, and we’ll have to call in a number of models that came off the line with defects, as well as notifying the appropriate news organizations.

Don’t forget to assure contacts and customers that The Guy Corporation maintains a solid commitment to quality and customer service.

Model # 2425S: Smothering Guy. A number of retailers have reported that a packaging defect makes it difficult for retail consumers to distinguish between Smothering Guy and Stalking Guy, so we’ve pulled all Smothering Guys until Marketing can iron out the problem internally. The sales team should keep retailers in the loop on the corrected labeling, which will make the difference between “annoying” and “downright creepy” more explicit.

Model #4229S: Don’t Fence Me In Guy. Our call centers are swamped with complaints about this one; apparently, users can’t get the early-warning feature to function correctly.

Model #4230S: I Need My Space Guy. Similar problem. The 4230S keeps bailing on relationships out of nowhere to spend six months getting high with his college friends and sleeping with skanky bartenders, and because the early-warning feature isn’t working properly, it voids the warranty.

Model #2380F: I Failed As A Frat Thug Because I’m Too Puny, So I’m Going To Play The Sensitive “I Genuinely Empathize With Women’s Issues” Angle To Get Laid Guy. A simple manufacturing defect; notify consumers and retailers that they can return the 2380F to our customer-service center, and we’ll repair the eyes so that they don’t roll during Ani DiFranco shows. Shipping is free.

Model #1442: Mama’s Boy Guy. Certain 1442s in the March shipping batch occasionally do their own laundry, which is causing a lot of confusion for the users; they think they accidentally brought home My Best Friend Is My Mom Guy (#1446B) and then they can’t understand why the 1442 keeps asking what’s for breakfast. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t pose a customer-service problem — after all, the users aren’t complaining, exactly — but the 1446B is the more expensive model, and we should encourage the users to upgrade instead.

Model #9923X: Thrill Of The Chase Guy. Evidently, late-model 9923X Guys keep calling long after they’ve slept with the user; a few have even gotten married. We didn’t notice the problem for several months, but when first-quarter sales of 9923X took a sharp nosedive, we did our own performance testing just in case, and there’s no doubt about it — the Guys just don’t get bored and move on the way they’re supposed to, and our wholesalers can’t move the overstock. We considered offering the users a patch, but elected to take a loss on the batch instead. And to answer your question, the security team is indeed investigating possible industrial sabotage.

Replacement Part #466: Elbow Spring [for Model #6621, Give Me A Hummer While I Watch The Game Guy]. The legal department has instructed us to offer a full refund, no questions asked.

Model #5593: Got A Dog In Order To Pick Up Chicks Guy. An entire pallet of these shipped with Lhasa Apsos. Please notify wholesalers that we’ll supply a more butch dog, no charge.

Model #3433V: We Have Sex, We Go Everywhere Together, My Mom Loves You, And I Take Care Of You When You Get Sick, But We Still Don’t Have A Relationship Guy. Another packaging problem. Many users miss the “may say ‘I love you’ when drunk, and may act like it, but will not cop to it, ever” fine print on the bottom of the box; marketing has suggested a box insert.

Model #1168: I’ll Pull Out In Time Guy. The 1168s do not, in fact, pull out in time. Production is suspended pending reformatting of the control mechanism.

Model #8834: Trying Too Hard To Impress Guy. Manufacturing assures me that the sealant problem is corrected, but users report that the 8834 gets annoying far too quickly. All warranties will be honored; service reps should offer users who contact the call center a coupon for the RP #499 Sense Of Humor Destabilizer.

Model #4777I: Condescending Older Guy. The 4777I is listed with over a hundred patronizing turns of phrase and dated expressions, but due to a programming bug, the dated expressions feature doesn’t function. We’ve recalled unsold stock; users who have already bought the 4777I can choose between a programming patch or a complimentary upgrade to In My World, “Mentor” Means “Fuck” Guy (#7223).

Model #3994: I Will Tell You That You “Put Up Walls,” Touch You Tenderly On The Cheek, And Then Sleep With Approximately Seven Thousand Other Women Because “You Leave Me No Choice But To Get On With My Emotional Life” Guy. Insufficient on-site testing. Production suspended until further notice.

Model #2004L: Bickering = Foreplay Guy. Users report that bickering continues well into coitus. The override function on later models doesn’t work. Users and wholesalers should ship their 2004Ls to our service center for repair.

Model #4488: I Own Three Cats, And Barbra’s Farewell Concert On DVD, But I Refuse To Admit That I Just Don’t Dig Girls That Way Guy. Wholesale customers should ship dead stock back to our service center for a credit. Users just aren’t buying this one no matter how far retailers mark it down.

Model #8711R: Now That You Make More Money Than I Do, I’ve Turned Into A Raving Asshole Guy. Late-model 8711Rs aren’t good enough in bed to justify the purchase. We’ve also had complaints about the door-slamming deactivation feature not functioning.

Model #8214: We’ve Slept Together, So You Obviously Want To Marry Me, And I’ll Have To Hide Under My Bed Now Guy. Several users have split the 8214’s head open with an axe and then demanded warranty coverage. All 8214s have been called back for more explicit labeling.

I don’t think all guys suck. But these people do.
It’s sites like this one that lead to essays like mine.

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