Look upon my Roomba, ye mighties…and despair
Two things you might not know about Little Joe: 1) sometimes, when he’s startled, he jumps up and to the side with all four feet all Vanilla Joe “Stop! Collaborate and SPIDER!”; 2) other times, when he’s startled, a little round piece of startle poo comes out of him.
Why am I telling you this? Oh, you know, no reason.
So anyway, about my Roomba, Alfred. I get the occasional email asking me how he’s working out, and I had a TN FAQ item about him, but since I haven’t gotten around to updating that (…sorry), I’ll just fill you in now. Generally speaking, he’s great. I put him down, press Clean, and he picks up all the big stuff; when he’s done, I follow up with a quick Swiffing. A Roomba does not produce a surgical clean, but it does pick up a pretty amazing amount of stuff — as I found out recently when he stopped working.
Alfred didn’t stop working completely; it’s more accurate to say that he started ailing, and a Roomba that is trying to work, but can’t, is really quite pathetic, especially when you’ve anthropomorphized him. I would press Clean, he would sing his time-to-clean song, and then he would circle a couple of times and pause, confused. Then he would circle again, and pause again. This would go on for a while; the cats, at whom Alfred used to pitch his woo as though it were a Nuke LaLoosh fastball, no longer felt threatened in the least, and would come in and sit near him with curious but condescending expressions. You know that scene in The Four Seasons where Sandy Dennis is pacing around in the garden and Carol Burnett and Rita Moreno are like, “Sandy Dennis is our friend but oh my God she is so weird with the zucchini photographs”? And you feel bad for Sandy Dennis, but you also wish she’d get it together and stop being so depressed-art-teacher with the serapes and the inappropriate mirthless chuckling? Are you…going to act like you’ve never watched that movie, which is on Channel 55 in the New York market, like, daily? Okay, you’re too good for Vivaldi and Alan Alda now. Fine. But that’s what it’s like.
I didn’t know what to do. I tried charging Alfred; it didn’t work. I tried draining the battery and then charging him, because sometimes when my iPod gets cranky, that works; no dice. I ordered a new Roombattery from eBay; it didn’t help. I went onto irobot.com and watched the help video for cleaning the filters, and I discovered a little fine-lint trap on Alfred that I hadn’t even known existed prior to that, and I felt really bad because it was totally clogged with cat hair and crumbs and earring backings and whatnot, so I figured that would do it, but it didn’t. So, with Alfred circling disconsolately and the cats napping practically on top of him, I went back to irobot.com and sent a pleading email to customer service.
The rep politely ignored the fact that I referred to my Roomba as a “he,” and told me I probably needed a software upgrade — which they send for free, and which arrived the next day, even though I couldn’t find the warranty and didn’t have a proof of purchase or anything. It’s called an Osmo, it’s very little and cute (like Alfred), and I plugged it right into Alfred’s download port and crossed my fingers.
Ninety seconds of charging later, I plopped Alfred down on the floor and powered him up. Little Joe, lounging nearby, got up in preparation for taking Alfred’s lunch money again and strolled over to us. I wasn’t entirely convinced that the Osmo would work or I would have shooed Joe away, but I didn’t — I just hit Clean, and Alfred hummed a little tune and charged Little Joe. Little Joe: “Baby, baby, stick your head in gravy, wrap it up in bubbleg– OH SHIT!” Then he did his “Stop! Collaborate and ROOMBA!” dance move, ejected a tiny startle poo, and galloped out of the room.
Alfred, of course, dirt-detected the startle poo and headed straight for it, and I had to divert him in a way that did not involve picking up the still-warm blob with my hands…fast forward to a pair of flip-flops sailing into the garbage can while, in the foreground, Alfred snorfled contentedly on an extension cord and Little Joe “hid” “in” a dish of candy.
“Startle poo, startle poo, does whatever a startle poo does. Can it swing from a lamp? No it can’t, it’s a poo — look out! Here comes the startle pooooooo!”
Tags: feline fun times home 'n' garden movies retail
Love the cat stories. We had a Roomba on our wedding registry but no one bought it. :(
We also have a professional shedder, a Maine Coon mix. I was too cheap to buy a Furminator, but I did buy a Bamboo carding comb from Drs Smith and Foster for $10, and it’s amazing. Takes off incredible amounts of fluff, and Agatha actually loves it. She purrs with her eyes half closed and the tip of her tongue sticking out, looking completely stoned. It takes a minute or two to get the hang of it, but it’s totally worth the $10.
I’m now convinced that I must get a Furminator. One of my two is a champion shedder (and a nervous one, as well). That, plus a house that is entirely tiled, equalls tumbleweeds. Literally. Turn on a ceiling fan and you can pretend you’re in the wild west. Then, of course, the cats chase the tumblefurs, which usually results in eating them, which is not good for said champion shedder and his hairball speyacking. I have to sweep, then Swiff, *then* vacuum up the big pieces that escape the first two steps.
And I’m glad I’m not the only one who has Spider Pig stuck in their head constantly. CONSTANTLY.
Just a quick Roomba question – does it pick up cat litter from hardwood floors? Because that would be awesome and might entice me to get an Alfred of my own.
It does. Litter bits that are, like, down in gaps between the boards, probably not, but Alfred gets most of it.
We have a roomba. It is named Hungry Tummy, after an ancient, beloved, and terrible diner in the small town in Michigan we spend summers in. It is also a he. We call him Hungry, for short. The cats think this is the second worst idea ever, right in line behind the baby.
Also, Furminator, I gotta say. I have two cats, a short-hair named Ash who is fiendishly clever, and a dumb-blond longhair named Thor. When I took the Furminator to Ash — to ASH! I ended up with pile of fur that was a significant fraction of a cubic foot. Thor, sadly, becomes irritated with the Furminating before I can Furminate him completely, so I have no real measure of how much fur has come off him, but I have furminated him once a day for the past month, and ended up with a softball of fur every time.
Startle poo is my favorite poo since Mr. Hankey.
Startle poo. Absolutely fantastic.
Working at a kennel, I must say that the “startle poo” is an unwelcome visitor in any environment.
Add a Roomba, and that is sure to equal disaster.
about the furminator…it sounds awesome. But does it make noise? Do your cats enjoy (or anyway, tolerate it?
Oooooh, man, startle poo. I have a giant orange cat that has a similar defense mechanism. The thing is…his is liquid poo. He loves to sit on your lap and smother you, but if you pick him up, he freaks and shoots a little bit of liquid poo at you. It’s damn effective, too; we leave his feet firmly planted on the ground now.
Holy shit Sars. I read this, and then I had a dream that my curled up cat *was* a Roomba. No, for real. Sadly, he did not move around on his own, I had to pull him by his tail. But he cleaned the rug very well! (I don’t know how my mind works…)
Sarah,
Loved the entry. Startle poo…so funny. After reading it, I was perusing crafting sites and found this: http://www.myroombud.com. According to their checklist, you’re a perfect candidate for a Roomba costume.
Love the site!
Roomba question:
How good is it with computer wires? In the original J. Alfred Proomba (heh) entry you said it spat the phone cord out, but like, in general. It’s a frigging rubber nest under this table, and if I get a roomby, I don’t like the idea of it choking to death within two minutes of activation.
The computer malfunction would be bad too.
I tend to block Alfred from the desk area so he doesn’t pull stuff off the desk or get tangled up (I just put pillows down; he bonks into them and wanders off).
OMG….Startle Poo. Adult beverage almost made contact with they keyboard…yarrggg..
As the mother of 5 cats I can relate….I don’t have a roomba , I prefer the Dyson Suck Mosnter Samba..my tribe of explosive shed/ pulling hair out in times of stress of when there are dinner guests just go apesh*t . Too funny for words….and yes the Dyson has a name…” That’s Miss Ross to you ..
Oh dear! The tears are streaming down my face, I’m laughing so hard! I am a fellow Roomba owner (in part because of your earlier review/love affair with Albert) and love my little red friend for many of the same reasons you do. I’m glad to know there’s a ‘cure’ if he should fall ill! I love your blog – thanks!
Alas, the Roomba is dead.
Bob started doing what they call the “circle dance” (which sounds kinda fun, don’t it?) after about a year. They said he can’t be repaired and that I am welcome to buy a new one. I say phooey to them. I liked Bob but that is too much money for something that only lasts a year and, besides, it is wasteful to keep buying “disposable” appliances. : (
Hey Sars,
I was just wondering, how is Alfred doing? I’ve been seriously considering buying a Roomba, but you are the only person I “know” who has one… and I sometimes don’t trust the Amazon reviews. So, I thought I’d ask you if you’d still recommend getting one or not.
Thanks!
I feel like I answered this somewhere else…nope, guess not.
Alfred is in heaven because my new place is smaller; level; and laid out better, with fewer gaps between the floorboards. So that’s an ideal environment for a Roomba.
I’d still recommend it, because you can put the Roomba on, leave the house to run errands, and when you come back, it’s usually done depending on how big the space is; he gets the bigger bits of litter and the pet hair and lint and whatnot. After Alfred’s done, I Swiffer-Wet the place and that’s it for the week. (Well, fortnight, usually. I’m lazy.)
But he doesn’t do everything, and some of the poor reviews come, I think, from people expecting a Roomba to be more than it is. I can afford to be generous in my assessment because a reader treated me to the Roomba, but if you want a vacuum that does it the way you’d do it yourself, but without you having to do it yourself, it’s…not exactly that, and you may feel like it’s too much money if it’s NOT that.
On the other hand, if you have pets who are not all that smart, it could pay for itself in the first five minutes. As far as the actual vacuuming, given what you have to do (i.e. tuck power cords away; sit and watch), it’s a good machine.