Sarah: Okay, here’s my problem.

Wing Chun: Hit me.

Sarah: Well, actually I have a whole bunch of problems, but they’re all kind of under the umbrella of one very large problem.

Wing Chun: I see.

Sarah: Which is that I hate packing and I hate moving and I very much want to die.

Wing Chun: Riiiight.

Sarah: But my problem right now is that I have no idea how to bubble-wrap this rooster. Any thoughts?

Wing Chun: The ceramic one?

Sarah: Yeah. The comb keeps poking through the bubble wrap and tearing it, I’m afraid it’s going to break off during the move — nightmare.

Wing Chun: Hmm. Okay, how about this — cut off a little piece of the bubble wrap and rubber-band it around the comb first, and then bubble-wrap the whole thing.

Sarah: You? Are a genius. Okay, hold on. [rustle rustle] Ooooone more second here. [spotch!] Ow. [rustle…rustle rustle] Dammit, it won’t — [foosh!] — dammit! It won’t stay on.

Wing Chun: Maybe if you hook the rubber band under the wattles?

Sarah: Good plan, good plan. Hold on.

Wing Chun: I just said “wattles.”

Sarah: I know. [crinkle] I have to put the phone down for a sec.

Wing Chun: Okay.

Sarah: [crinkle…rustle…thock fwap]

Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: [fwap fwap fwap]

Wing Chun: Hel…lo?

Sarah: Hi. Okay, I think that’s going to…oh, for fuck’s sake.

Wing Chun: What’s wrong?

Sarah: Well, the beak is still sticking — [spenk!] — okay, these are the suckiest rubber bands ever.

Wing Chun: Okay…what about a hair elastic? Would that work?

Sarah: Oh, God. What am I doing?

Wing Chun: You’re…packing?

Sarah: I am trying to bubble-wrap the HEAD…of a COCK.

Wing Chun: Well, yes. Heh. But —

Sarah: And? I am FAILING.

Wing Chun: If I could just make a sugge–

Sarah: This — THIS is my LIFE.

Wing Chun: Okay, but I think a hair elastic —

Sarah: KILL ME.

Wing Chun: Dude, I know moving is stressful, believe me —

Sarah: Just take a shard of the BROKEN COCK and drive it STRAIGHT INTO MY HEART.

Wing Chun: Sarah?

Sarah: I need to calm down, don’t I.

Wing Chun: You really do.

Sarah: I need to calm waaaaay down.

Wing Chun: Waaaaay down.

Sarah: Because it’s not even a real chicken.

Wing Chun: No, it isn’t.

Sarah: And I can handle this.

Wing Chun: You can.

Sarah: With a…hair elastic, you said?

Wing Chun: Why not.

Sarah: Why not, indeed. Let’s think positively.

Wing Chun: Yes, let’s.

Sarah: Nice, deep, positive breaths.

Wing Chun: Happy, calm thoughts.

Sarah: Yes. Happy. Happy and calm.

Wing Chun: You want to die, don’t you.

Sarah: OH LORD DO I WANT TO DIE.

Wing Chun: All right, listen up. You have to focus.

Sarah: I am focusing. ON THE SWEET SWEET SLEEP —

Wing Chun: — of the grave, yeah yeah.

Sarah: OF THE GRAVE.

Wing Chun: Yes, we’ve…covered that.

Sarah: THE GRAAAAAAVE.

Wing Chun: [click]

Sarah: THE GR– hello? Hello? Rrrr. [beep beep boop]

Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: — aaaaave?

Wing Chun: Do you want some help, or do you want to — you know what, don’t answer that. Go get a hair elastic right now. You are going to wrap the cock, you are going to pack the cock, and we are both going to get on with our lives. No death, no graves —

Sarah: But I —

Wing Chun: — have a gangrenous paper cut and taped your feet together by mistake and want to die, yes, I KNOW. HAIR ELASTIC, Bunting. NOW.

Sarah: Okay, okay. [crinkle]

Wing Chun: How’s it going?

Sarah: [crinkle] Ow. [crinkle] Ow. [crinkle] Ow.

Wing Chun: Hang in there.

Sarah: [crinkle] All done.

Wing Chun: And?

Sarah: It…seems to be working!

Wing Chun: Well, good.

Sarah: Thanks! [pop pop pop]

Wing Chun: No probl– what the hell was that?

Sarah: Bubble wrap…cats…you get the idea.

Wing Chun: Oh, Lord.

Sarah: No kidding. I actually taped Little Joe into a box yesterday.

Wing Chun: Thought he was a sweater?

Sarah: Yep. A reeeeally fat sweater.

Wing Chun: With fish breath.

Sarah: Exactly. But I didn’t even notice for, like, fifteen minutes.

Wing Chun: Until the box said “mee?”

Sarah: And started rocking itself.

Wing Chun: Excellent.

Sarah: Oh, that’s not even the best part. He was so staticky when I let him out, he looked like a hedgehog.

Wing Chun: Aw. The littlest generator.

Sarah: Except for the “littlest” part.

Wing Chun: Heh. So, after the cock, how much packing do you have left?

Sarah: Well, I’ve got the big closet, and the small closet…and most of my books…and the kitchen, and the bathroom. So, you know. All of it.

Wing Chun: Oh.

Sarah: Yeeeeah.

Wing Chun: I meant “oh” as in “oh, neat!”

Sarah: No, you didn’t.

Wing Chun: No, I didn’t, but I’m sure it’s not that bad. Aren’t you using the pile system?

Sarah: I am, but…you know.

Wing Chun: What’s to know? If you haven’t used it in a year —

Sarah: — chuck it, I know.

Wing Chun: So what’s the problem?

Sarah: What if you can’t really remember when you used it last?

Wing Chun: Then it’s probably been longer than a year.

Sarah: But what if it wasn’t? What if it was ten months?

Wing Chun: What are we talking about here?

Sarah: Oh, you know, just various things.

Wing Chun: Like what?

Sarah: Oh, like the jrrfmmrble.

Wing Chun: The…oh, not the juicer.

Sarah: Well…

Wing Chun: You still have that? Why?

Sarah: Well, so I can…juice stuff. I guess.

Wing Chun: All right, when is the last time you juiced something?

Sarah: I don’t know. Eleven months ago?

Wing Chun: Girl, please.

Sarah: I know, I know, but what if my parents send grapefruit? From Florida?

Wing Chun: Ever heard of just squeezing it into a glass?

Sarah: Yeah, but…

Wing Chun: You do not need a juicer.

Sarah: But you get more juice from the juicer. Than from squeezing it.

Wing Chun: You do not need a juicer.

Sarah: It has two settings — orange/grapefruit and lemon/lime! There’s a littler doodad, for if you need lime juice. Which is kind of cool.

Wing Chun: Do you need lime juice?

Sarah: I might need —

Wing Chun: You don’t need lime juice, you don’t need a juicer, next!

Sarah: But —

Wing Chun: I said NEXT!

Sarah: Wow, okay. Wind-up alarm clocks.

Wing Chun: Clocks plural?

Sarah: Clocks plural.

Wing Chun: Pick one and give the other one to Goodwill.

Sarah: But I like them both.

Wing Chun: Pick one and give the other one to Goodwill.

Sarah: But one of them was a gift.

Wing Chun: So give away the other one.

Sarah: But I like the other one better, kind of.

Wing Chun: So give away that one.

Sarah: But — gift.

Wing Chun: Give an alarm clock to Goodwill or I will hurt you.

Sarah: But —

Wing Chun: I don’t care which one. Do it or you’re dead to me. Next!

Sarah: I — all right, then. Franz Kafka poster.

Wing Chun: You don’t even like Kafka.

Sarah: Actually, I don’t know if I like Kafka. I never read any.

Wing Chun: You never read any Kafka?

Sarah: I never read Hamlet, either.

Wing Chun: You didn’t? How did you not read Hamlet?

Sarah: I just never got around to it.

Wing Chun: But it’s Hamlet, for God’s sake.

Sarah: Okay, okay, I’ll read it. After I move.

Wing Chun: You should.

Sarah: I hear it’s good.

Wing Chun: Oh, it’s not that good, but you should read it.

Sarah: What if I saw the movie?

Wing Chun: Which one? The Kenneth Branagh one?

Sarah: The Olivier one.

Wing Chun: Yeah, you know what, don’t read it. You’ve suffered enough.

Sarah: Okay. So what about Kafka?

Wing Chun: He’s not that great either. Yeah, you’re a giant bug. We get it.

Sarah: No, the poster.

Wing Chun: Oh, that. Chuck it.

Sarah: But it’s from the Kafka museum, and my aunt got it for me.

Wing Chun: Ah.

Sarah: And it has creepy eyes that follow you all around the room.

Wing Chun: But you haven’t read any Kafka.

Sarah: No. Also, the color scheme is primarily yellow.

Wing Chun: Definitely a chuck.

Sarah: Okay.

Wing Chun: You’re not going to chuck it, are you.

Sarah: Probably not.

Wing Chun: Well, at least it’s light. Next!

Sarah: Let’s see. Hatbox.

Wing Chun: Well, you can’t chuck a hatbox. It’s a hatbox.

Sarah: I never use it.

Wing Chun: It’s a hatbox. Wait — I think I’ve seen this hatbox. Is it the blue one with the latching zipper?

Sarah: Yeah, that’s the one.

Wing Chun: Doesn’t that actually belong to a friend of yours?

Sarah: Yeah, I’ve tried to give it back like five times.

Wing Chun: So it’s yours now.

Sarah: Basically.

Wing Chun: But you wouldn’t feel comfortable chucking it, and also, it’s a hatbox.

Sarah: So it stays, is what you’re saying.

Wing Chun: Oh, I think so. Plus, you can pack shit in it.

Sarah: Excellent point. Okay, hatbox goes to the “keep” pile.

Wing Chun: Aaaaand done. Next!

Sarah: Tinsel.

Wing Chun: Are you kidding?

Sarah: No.

Wing Chun: Tinsel.

Sarah: Yes.

Wing Chun: Seriously.

Sarah: Yes.

Wing Chun: Dude.

Sarah: I know, but it feels wrong to throw away Christmas decorations. It’s, like, sacrilegious or something.

Wing Chun: Even when said Christmas decorations could kill your cats and cost a buck twenty-nine per mile?

Sarah: Oh, look who hates Christmas now.

Wing Chun: I don’t hate Christmas.

Sarah: You totally hate Christmas.

Wing Chun: I do not hate Christmas. Christmas hates your cats.

Sarah: Christmas can get in line.

Wing Chun: Are you going to chuck the tinsel or what?

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, I’ll chuck the tinsel.

Wing Chun: Good. Next.

Sarah: Foam finger.

Wing Chun: Chuck it.

Sarah: WHAT?

Wing Chun: What what? Chuck it!

Sarah: It’s a foam finger!

Wing Chun: So?

Sarah: So you don’t just chuck a foam finger.

Wing Chun: So don’t ask me if you should chuck it if you obviously aren’t, then.

Sarah: You would seriously chuck a foam finger?

Wing Chun: Are you testing me now?

Sarah: What is wrong with you?

Wing Chun: What’s wrong with me? It’s foam!

Sarah: In finger form!

Wing Chun: Exactly!

Sarah: You hate Christmas and foam fingers?

Wing Chun: I don’t hate foam fingers. I just don’t see the need —

Sarah: — to say “I’m number one”?

Wing Chun: I…you don’t actually…do that. Do you?

Sarah: You don’t?

Wing Chun: Sit at home, waving a foam finger in the air? No.

Sarah: Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot. You hate foam fingers.

Wing Chun: You know what else I hate?

Sarah: Christmas?

Wing Chun: …

Sarah: Kidding. I’m kidding.

Wing Chun: Oh, I know.

Sarah: Except for the foam-finger thing.

Wing Chun: …oh.

Sarah: Heh.

Wing Chun: I mean, that’s fine. More power to you.

Sarah: Dude. You actually think I sit around waving a foam finger? At home? By myself?

Wing Chun: Like I said, more power to you.

Sarah: But…you think I actually do that.

Wing Chun: You keep killer tinsel around the house, woman. God knows what else you get up to. You know, “Killer Tinsel” is a great band name.

Sarah: Yeah, it is, except can we go back to the part where you think I foam-finger it up, like, at my desk? Because —

Wing Chun: I don’t think you do that.

Sarah: Okay, good.

Wing Chun: Why don’t you do that?

Sarah: I…well, you know, I don’t know.

Wing Chun: Maybe you should start. After you move.

Sarah: Maybe you should start.

Wing Chun: No.

Sarah: Okay.

Wing Chun: Okay. Next! For real, now.

Sarah: Okay. Avocado phone.

Wing Chun: Huh?

Sarah: It’s an old-school touch-tone phone in a lovely shade of —

Wing Chun: Ohhhhh, that thing. I thought you had a phone shaped like an avocado.

Sarah: Why the hell would I —

Wing Chun: You like guacamole, I don’t know, forget it. Okay…I don’t know what to tell you there, because on the one hand, it’s all retro and has a real bell in it.

Sarah: I know! But on the other hand, it weighs a bomb.

Wing Chun: Yeah, that’s the thing. Can I come back to that one?

Sarah: Sure. Next up…hold on, let me just stick my head into this cabinet here.

Wing Chun: This is going to be great, I can te–

Sarah: AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

Wing Chun: What? What?

Sarah: Ew, ew, EW.

Wing Chun: What?

Sarah: Let’s just say that I didn’t know I had potatoes in there. And now I know. And ew.

Wing Chun: Yeah, you’ll want to chuck those.

Sarah: I don’t want to anger those by chucking them. Did I mention the tentacles?

Wing Chun: That’s not good.

Sarah: No kidding. Good thing I didn’t chuck the potato tongs.

Wing Chun: Potato tongs?

Sarah: Well, salad tongs, but now they’re the potato tongs. And when they’re done being the potato tongs —

Wing Chun: They’ll be the thrown-away tongs.

Sarah: That’s damn right. Okay, one of those potatoes just growled at me.

Wing Chun: Send the cats in as an advance team.

Sarah: Two cats. A dozen angry potatoes. Fun in theory, a bitch to clean up in practice.

Wing Chun: You know, I don’t want to sound judgmental here…

Sarah: Girl, please. Judge away. [clack clack]

Wing Chun: I just don’t — what are you doing?

Sarah: Clacking the tongs threateningly.

Wing Chun: And how is that going?

Sarah: Good. I feel strong. You just don’t what?

Wing Chun: One potato, I understand — it rolls to the back and you don’t notice it. But a dozen? What happened?

Sarah: I think…hold on.

Wing Chun: Be careful.

Sarah: [clack clack…clack…whump…whump whump whump…whump…whump…whump whump…fllsshshhh]

Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: Man. Ew.

Wing Chun: Everything okay?

Sarah: Get thee behind me, taters! You were saying?

Wing Chun: No, you were saying. How you lost a dozen potatoes.

Sarah: Well, I use the other side of that cabinet to store shopping bags…a few shopping bags migrated over after Christmas…the potatoes were underneath the bags…

Wing Chun: Plotting.

Sarah: Apparently. [clunk] Bye, tongs.

Wing Chun: I think that calls for a foam finger.

Sarah: Oh, shut up.

Wing Chun: Sorry. So, what’s next?

Sarah: Refrigerator manual.

Wing Chun: Hee.

Sarah: I know.

Wing Chun: “Plug in. Insert food.”

Sarah: Consider it chucked.

Wing Chun: Wow, finally an easy one. Next.

Sarah: Eyebrow trimmer.

Wing Chun: Um…I gave you that.

Sarah: I…oh. Wait, you did?

Wing Chun: No, I totally didn’t.

Sarah: Hee.

Wing Chun: But I can’t BELIEVE you threw away the POTATO TONGS. I spent HOURS finding just the right pair!

Sarah: Hee hee.

Wing Chun: Hee.

Sarah: The eyebrow trimmer’s a chuck, I take it?

Wing Chun: Oh Lord yes. Next.

Sarah: Tomato-shaped purse.

Wing Chun: I did give you that one! What the hell?

Sarah: I’m kidding. Jesus.

Wing Chun: Oh. Okay. Next.

Sarah: Vintage salt-and-pepper shakers.

Wing Chun: That was funny once.

Sarah: No, not the ones Glark got me — the extra-teeny crystally-looking ones.

Wing Chun: Hmm. Gift?

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: Cat-themed?

Sarah: No.

Wing Chun: They’re extra-teeny…

Sarah: Yes?

Wing Chun: They’re not cat-themed…

Sarah: Speak, oracle!

Wing Chun: Keep them.

Sarah: Cool.

Wing Chun: Next.

Sarah: We’re up to shoes.

Wing Chun: Oh, brother. I should go to the bathroom before we start.

Sarah: Me too. I need a Diet Coke. And a gun.

Wing Chun: Seriously. Okay, I’ll call you back in a little while.

Sarah: Okay.

Wing Chun: Don’t kill yourself.

Sarah: I won’t.

January 19, 2004

Tags:   friends