Mio padre continuava a volere tener aperto il bar a tutti i costi, piú che altro perché diceva: “cos’altro si puó fare finché non lo prendono in pieno? Almeno s’ha qualcosa da fare.”

M-my father kept the café, open, in spite, of everything, because — mostly, because he felt like…ah, what else is there to do, until it gets hit? [raises brows at Daniela; she nods] We might as well keep, keep ourselves busy, in the meantime.

[nods again] Chissá poi come, il bar non fu mai bombardato, e cosí ci trovavamo ogni mattina ad alzarne il bandone e la nonna a preparare il caffé e le paste.

And it didn’t get hit, somehow, so every day, we went around in the morning and put up the…awning, yes, and my grandmother got coffee and pastries together.

Certe pastine dure e secche, ed un caffé lento di cicoria.

Such pastries [gestures with hands like packing a snowball], dusty and hard, sad, sad little pastries, and a coffee, weak coffee…made from chicory.

Eppure avevamo qualcosa da servire, ed un posto per i clienti per sedersi e sentirsi come gente civile, che poi era quello che piú cercavano, altro che le pastine o il caffé.

But we had some things to serve, to serve people, and a place for them to sit and feel, feel civilized, which is what they wanted…more than to eat.

Tranne gli inglesi: quelli avrebbero mangiato qualsiasi cosa gli avessi messo davanti.

Except for the British. The British [laughs] would eat what…eat anything you put on a plate.

Paolo veniva al bar ogni mattina — ovviamente prima che ci sposassimo. Guidava un’ambulanza la notte ed era sempre il primo cliente la mattina.

Paul came into the café all, every morning…before…of course before he was my husband. Driving…he drove an ambulance at night, and he was always the first customer in the morning.

Si appogiava al banco e guardava mia nonna preparare il caffé, o qualunque cosa fosse.

He would lean, lean on the counter and watch my, my — granny? My — Nana? Nana? [Daniela nods] My Nana making the coffee, or what thing for…[looks up at ceiling]…what passed for the coffee that day. [shrugs to Daniela]

[nods] Ogni giorno si parlava delle stesse cose.

Every day, we would have the, the same conversation.

Parlava molto bene l’italiano, sapeva il vernacolo, e mi chiedeva sempre se mi piacesse vivere lí a Pisa.

He spoke — his Italian was very good, he knew, he knew all the slang, and he would ask me how I liked living there in Pisa.

Cosí gli rispondevo: “è molto bello quando non c’è il fumo o è noioso come ora,” e lui rispondeva che doveva rendersene conto da sé. Era come un piccolo rito per noi due.

And I would say back, it’s very good, nice, when it’s not all smoky and…dull, like this, and he would say he would…he guessed he’d have to see about that. We were a little ri–routine, for each other.

Paolo non era un rompiscatole come gli altri soldati che restavano tutto il giorno al bar, cantando e mettendo il loro gin nel caffé — Paolo era simpatico. Calmo.

Paul wasn’t…slimy? “Rompiscatole.” [makes face at Daniela, shudders, sticks tongue out; Daniela nods] Wasn’t slimy, like some of the soldiers that came in and they would sit all day, singing, putting their gin, their own gin into the coffee — Paul was nice. Calm.

Poi non lo vidi per un pó. Le mie sorelle mi prendevano in giro che avevo mandato via un’altro marito, ed è vero che mi mancava un po’, mi mancava il nostro rito.

Then I didn’t see him for a while. My sisters teased me that I’d, I’d driven off another husband, and it’s true that, that I missed him a little bit, I missed our little routine.

Ma non me ne ero resa conto…era partito per un paio di settimane —

But I didn’t realize…he’d gone off for a few, a few weeks. [nodding to Daniela] Scusa.

[waves hand] — senza venire al bar, e quando una mattina tornó, mi resi conto di come le mattine fossero noiose senza di lui.

Without to — oh. He hadn’t come in to the café, and when one morning he came back, I realized how dull it had seemed first thing — without him, first thing in the morning.

Anche la nonna sembrava contenta di poterlo guardare male di nuovo. Quel giorno indossava una divisa. Era tutto per bene, e quando mi chiese se mi piacesse vivere a Pisa, gli risposi: “Sai, non è poi cosí bello che non potrei andar via.”

Even Nana seemed happy, to be glaring at him again. He — he had a uniform on, he looked neat and — very nice, and he asked me how I liked living in Pisa, and that, that time, I said to him, you know, it’s not so good that I couldn’t leave. [laughs]

[laughs] Subito prima di rispondere, pensai alla Zia Adela che stava passando la guerra a letto, fissando il soffito e tremando dalla paura, e —

Right before I said it, I thought — scusa, I should stop? [Daniela waves her on] I thought about Aunt Adela who was spending the war in bed, staring at the ceiling and shaking from fear.

E alla nonna all’uscio della porta con un vassoio che le gridava: “Solo una scema come te aspetta in casa per non essere uccisa per poi morire da sola!”

Nana, and Nana, standing at Aunt Adela’s door with a tray, and she yelled, only — she yelled that only a fool waits around not to be killed so she can die alone. [looks at Daniela] So she can die by herself? [Daniela shrugs, nods] Only a fool waits around not to be killed so that she can die by herself.

Pensai fra me che avrei fatto meglio ad esser sicura di quel che dicevo e poi, semplicemente…lo dissi.

I thought to myself that I’d, I had better mean what I said. And then I…just…said it.

Ero sempre vissuta a Pisa, e pensavo di viverci per sempre, ma andar via per avere quel bel rito con uno simpatico che sapesse come portare la cravatta e per vivere in un posto dove si mangiasse il burro vero —

[holds up hand] Wait, all right. I always, had always lived in Pisa, and I thought I always would live there, but moving away to have a nice, a nice little routine with a nice man who could tie a tie, and live somewhere so, where I could eat real butter again — [nods] all right.

Lo dissi, e mi prese per la mano, e sembrava che non mi sarebbe mai dispiaciuto.

I said it, and he took my hand, and it seemed like I — wouldn’t regret it.

E mai mi dispiacque, nemmeno quando mi ammalai. Mi sarei ammalata communque, anche se fossi rimasta a Pisa. Al cancro non importa quello che fai con la tua vita.

And I never did, not — not even when I got sick. I would have gotten sick anyway if I had stayed in Pisa. To cancer — oh. [frowns at Daniela; Daniela shrugs] Uh…cancer doesn’t care what you do with your life.

Ero sempre felice di esser venuta via con Paul e, fino alla fine, mantenemmo il nostro rito. Entrava in camera ogni mattina portandomi la colazione sul vassoio, e mi chiedeva: “Allora, com’è quando si muore di cancro?” [cringes, laughing]

[laughs sharply, grabs Daniela’s arm] I was always glad I, that I came with Paul, and to, until the end, we had our routine. He would come in the morning with my breakfast tray and say, so how do you like dying of cancer? Oh, that is just terrible. [laughs]

[smiles and shakes head] E gli rispondevo: “È molto bello, quando non c’è il dolore o non è triste come ora.” E poi mi fermavo —

And I would say — sì? I would say, it’s very nice, when it’s not so painful and sad like this. And then I would pause.

E poi mi fermavo, e dicevo: “Sai, non è poi cosí bello che non potrei andar via” – uno scherzo che poi non era cosí divertente.

And I would say, but, you know, it’s not so good that I couldn’t leave. [nods] A joke that wasn’t that funny. No a, a joke that wasn’t a joke.

Si sedeva sul letto con il suo caffé, e stavamo lí ad ascoltare i rumori dalla strada. Mi piace ancora tanto il profumo del caffé Americano, è cosí acuto.

He would sit on the bed with his coffee, and we would listen to what was going on in the street. I still love that smell of American coffee — it’s so — sharp.

Ora, quando arriva il custode, al buio con la sua tazza di caffé, il profumo mi ricorda Paolo.

And when the caretaker, the caretaker comes in, it’s dark, outside, still, with his big cup of coffee, that smell reminds me of Paul.

L’ultimo giorno della mia vita, sapevo che stava per finire, e lo sapeva anche Paolo.

The last day of my life…I knew it was almost done, and so did Paul.

Mentre eravamo lí seduti insieme, pensai a tutte quelle volte che non riuscendo a dormire mi mettevo a guardarlo respirare. Mi sentivo fortunata di sapere tante cose di lui che non sapeva nessun’altro, e che lui sapesse le stesse cose di me.

As we sat there together, I was thinking — I thought about all the times I couldn’t sleep, when I would look at him breathing. I would feel lucky that I — to know so many things about him that nobody else knew, and he knew those same things — about me.

Mi sembrava cosí bello ed impossibile. Pensai che una volta passata anche questa, ci sarebbero state delle cose di noi che non avremmo saputo piú.

[smiles] It seemed wonderfully impossible. I was thinking, after this is over, there will be things about each other…that we don’t know anymore. [looks down]

Provai a speigargli i miei pensieri, ma era cosí difficile respirare, e lui mi disse soltanto: “Shhh, lo so, lo so.” [looks down]

I tried to explain to him what I was thinking, but it was hard for me to breathe, and he told me just shhh, I know, I know.

Gli volevo dire, “Ma no, non lo sai. È quello il problema, e non lo so nemmeno io,” ma non sapevo le parole. Non sapevo come dirlo in poche parole senza sembrare una grulla.

I wanted to say, but you don’t, that’s just the trouble, and neither do I, but I didn’t know the — I didn’t know how to say it in only a few words, and not for it to sound crazy.

Cosí gli strinsi la mano il piú forte che potevo ed aspettai. Qualche ora dopo, lo lasciai.

So I held onto his hand as tightly as I could and I waited for — and I waited. A few hours after that, I — left him.

Quello sí, mi dispiace.

That, I regret.

Mi dispiace cosí tanto che dovevo andare via senza di lui. E mi dispiace che non ho imparato bene l’inglese.

I’m so sorry that I — had to leave without him. And I regret not learning — I regret a little bit not learning better English, too.

Forse avrei potuto dirgli che sarei andata ovunque con lui, ovunque voleva andare, mi bastava stare con lui…

Then…because then I maybe could have told him that I would have gone anywhere with him. Anywhere he wanted to go, as long as it was with him.

Lui mi avrebbe capito, ma non riuscivo, non potevo dirlo per bene, e non potevo restare.

He would have understood what I meant, but I…failed, I couldn’t say it right, and I couldn’t stay. [takes Daniela’s hand]

Forse non sarei mai dovuta venire via con lui se avessi saputo di partire solo due anni dopo. [starts to cry] Quello mi dispiace. Mi dispiace cosí tanto, Paolo.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone with him at all if I…[pause]. She’s…sorry.

Her name is Daniela Pope. She died of ovarian cancer February 23, 1946.

June 3, 2003

Share!