Dear Reader/Housecat Survivor,

Welcome to the National Audubon Society’s Field Guide To Gaits Of The Domesticated Feline. Researched and written by the same authors who brought you the National Audubon Society’s Field Guide To Vomitus Of The Domesticated Feline, the National Audubon Society’s Field Guide To Meows, Yowls, Hisses, Snarls, Growls, Chirps, And Other Mysterious But Definitely Ominous-In-A-Bad-Way Sounds Made By The Domesticated Feline, and the National Audubon Society’s Special Edition Field Guide To Wholesale Destruction Caused By The Domesticated Feline With Fold-Out “How The Domesticated Feline Enters, Craps Inside Of, And Exits A Suitcase Without Unzipping It” Chart, our handbook of cat gaits works in concert with our other guides to help readers decipher your cat’s moods and actions. Proper identification of a particular feline walk is crucial. The difference between the stiff-legged prance of playful attack and the post-bowel-movement swagger is subtle, but critical, and fleeing in horror at the sight of the latter just might save the discerning cat owner’s life. We encourage our readers to keep the FGTGOTDF close at hand as they observe their domesticated felines. Only by seeking to understand our cats can we experience the full range of exasperation, dread, and despair that living with such horrible little creatures has to offer.

Gait: Drops Of Water On A Hot Skillet
Behavior habitat: Counters, bookshelves, desks, cake pans which may or may not contain cake, cable boxes, stereo systems
Notes: Characterized by a great deal of theatrical hopping about, the Drops Of Water On A Hot Skillet gait is intended to convince the observer that the cat is deeply unhappy to find itself on a surface forbidden to it, has no earthly idea how it got up there, would very much like a bit of help getting down, and feels so terrible about the whole thing that it has ouchy paw pads now, so thank heavens the observer arrived in time to feel sorry for it and notice that it is cute when it hops up and down.

Gait: Sumo Wrestler With Hen Trapped Between Butt Cheeks
Behavior habitat: Within two to six feet of litter box
Notes: Sumo Wrestler With Hen Trapped Between Butt Cheeks, occasionally also known as “Three-Legged Drunk Giraffe,” occurs immediately following the passage of a large and offensive bowel movement. It affects only the hind legs, on which the cat clomps stiffly with the hind feet set wide apart on the walking surface. The accompanying unspeakable stench facilitates identification of the gait.

Gait: Poo Gallop
Behavior habitat: To; fro
Notes: The victory lap which celebrates the passage of a large and offensive bowel movement. Poo Gallop features a higher proportion of dangerous ricocheting than other, non-poo-derived feline gallops.

Gait: Sashay Of Mealtime
Behavior habitat: On nerves of humans
Notes: At first glance, Sashay Of Mealtime may appear identical to Sashay Of Imminent Nap and Sashay Of I’m A Cat And You’re Not So Neener, but Sashay Of Mealtime is always teamed with Sit Of Fluffy Cuteness and Aggrieved Wail Of Boredom (op. cit.: National Audubon Society’s FGTMYHSGCAOMBDOIABWSMBTDF). It has a tighter radius than other feline Sashays, and a distinctly repetitive quality.

Gait: What? What?
Behavior habitat: Out of corner of eye
Notes: A brisk, business-like gait meant to convey competence and poise. Usually follows violent sneezes, unsuccessful windowsill bids, overzealous tail grooming, or any other unseemly happenstance that causes the cat to lose its balance in a fashion associated with voice-over work by Bob Saget.

Gait: Plastic-Man
Behavior habitat: After naps
Notes: Stretch-filled post-slumber walk during which the cat somewhat disturbingly extends itself to sixteen times its normal length.

Gait: Rabid Worm
Behavior habitat: Within one mile of cat carrier; within one mile of audible mention of cat carrier; within one mile of pill; within one mile of word “pill” spelled in whisper; within one mile of word “pill” spelled in ASL; within one mile of word “pill” spelled using semaphore flags; within one mile of any smoke that smells like smoke used to signal word “pill” to neighboring Native American community; before, during, and after visits to vet
Notes: An unbecoming combination of hunkering and squiggling reminiscent of DUI arrests on COPS.

Gait: Fear Me. No, Over Here. Fear Me. Fear!
Behavior habitat: Sightline of other cats, cat toys, bits of plastic, shoes, own reflection, own tail, lint, table leg, human leg, slight breeze, sock, or other sock; see also behavior habitat for Rabid Worm
Notes: FMNS, or “sideways-ing,” is an attempt by the cat to appear formidable to its enemies by fluffing itself up Halloween-style and doing the cabbage patch in the general direction of its enemy. The cat may appear to have confused the definitions of “formidable” and “ridiculous,” but the observer should refrain from pointing and laughing at the cat’s foolishly enormous tail until establishing for certain that the cat has not targeted his or her ankle for attack.

Gait: Sunny Von Mario Andretti
Behavior habitat: Velodrome which only exists in dream-fevered imagination
Notes: A cat so sound asleep that it appears dead can still reach speeds of thirty miles per hour in under three seconds when awakened by one of its own farts.

Gait: Snap Crackle I Hate You
Behavior habitat: Winter
Notes: Unique to dry atmospheres. The gait is used both to avoid petting which may cause static electricity and to sulk away from staticky petting sessions while looking like the spawn of a hedgehog and a Fourth of July sparkler. The observer should avoid any cat in Snap Crackle I Hate You mode, as blown fuses may ensue.

Gait: I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
Behavior habitat: Presence of innocent guests
Notes: Cats enjoy testing the diplomatic skills of humans, and an offhanded stroll designed to elicit compliments from strangers on the cat’s beauty, followed by an awkward-for-everyone hoist of a hind leg above the head to attend to matters of a personal nature, fits the bill quite nicely.

Gait: Velcro
Behavior habitat: Legs
Notes: A gait which seems endearing in Cat Chow commercials, but is in fact quite the opposite, Velcro involves clingy twisting around the lower extremities of a human. The more allergic or anti-cat the human, the clingier and twistier the cat.

Gait: The Catnip Trot
Behavior habitat: Catnip; humans who have uttered the syllable “-nip” in any context
Notes: A cartoonish bouncing of addicted joy. The cat will “get air” with every stride; observers may hear a faint sproing sproing sproing as the cat proceeds towards the catnip.

Gait: Zeus Readies A Thunderbolt
Behavior habitat: Insolent cat toys
Notes: This gait has two parts: the first, a blasé saunter past the new mousie, ignoring the mousie pointedly; the second, a scrambling tackle of the mousie, supplemented by histrionic growling. The gait then repeats itself as the cat meanders off, only to lunge at the mousie again, until the cat is distracted by a shiny object or the mousie is ripped to shreds, whichever happens first.

Gait: No Exit
Behavior habitat: Floor; existential crisis
Notes: Unable to support the burden of such exquisite beauty and intelligence, the cat flops onto the floor mid-stride with a sorrowful “whump.” If flopping and “whump”-ing do not achieve the desired cuddling, patting, or proffering of cat treats, the cat will heave itself to its feet, walk a few more steps, and repeat the flop and the “whump.” It may also add a beleaguered sigh to the mix, or start to wash an ear and then elect to blink exhaustedly instead.

Gait: Vengeance Is Mine, Saith The Human
Behavior habitat: Heh
Notes: The observer who wishes to test the vertical thrust of the resident cat may do so by affixing small pieces of Scotch tape to the cat’s paw pads while it is asleep. The observer may feel somewhat guilty about doing so, but should assure him- or herself that the Scotch tape does not really hurt the cat, and furthermore that the cat brought the Scotch tape upon itself when it crapped in the observer’s suitcase last week. When the cat awakens, it will throw the spazz to end all spazzes, tie itself in a knot, and roll around like a sharp tumbleweed, and when the observer attempts to remove the Scotch tape, the observer will die — but the observer will die happy.

January 20, 2003

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