1

Regina: Hey, you know that guy with the…face? The rat face? From that movie?

Sarah: Jan-Michael Vincent?

Regina: No, no — that guy. The blond rat-faced guy?

Sarah: Big tall blond rat-faced guy, or little scrawny blond rat-faced guy?

Regina: Tall. But scrawny also.

Sarah: Shit, I don’t know. Thomas Haden Church?

Regina: No, no, no. Eighties. Tall, blond, rat-faced — ooh ooh! And he always has that other, shorter, less rat-looking guy with him! That guy!

Sarah: Ohhhhh, those guys! That always go together! That played dice with Watts in Some Kind Of Wonderful during the, the, the big date scene!

Regina: Yeah! Those guys!

Sarah: The neighbors from Double Trouble!

Regina: Yeah! I…guess, yeah!

Sarah: You know, the show about the twins? With Barbara Barrie and that guy from Soap?

Regina: Wait, you mean the twins from Grease 2?

Sarah: Yeah, them.

Regina: They had a show?

Sarah: Yeah, for like five seconds. I had this, like, obsession with the quote-unquote crazy twin because she had an excellent long stick-straight razored bob and all these crazy Madonnoid neon outfits, and she’d go on all these dates wearing her nutty tights and hats and I just totally wanted to be her for some reason, so I watched every episode. Anyway, those guys were on it as the pseudo-Lenny and Squiggy.

Regina: Ew, Squiggy. What ever happened to him?

Sarah: He has MS.

Regina: No way.

Sarah: Way, he wrote a book about it and everything.

Regina: Wow. That sucks.

Sarah: Yeah. So, anyway.

Regina: Yeah, so anyway, what’s that guy’s name?

Sarah: Squiggy?

Regina: No, the other guy. Rat Face.

Sarah: Let me just look it up here…Jonathan Schmock.

Regina: Heh. “Schmock.”

Sarah: Heh.

Regina: Schmock Schmock Schmock!

Sarah: Heh heh heh.

Regina: All right. Thanks.

Sarah: No prob.

2

Regina: I’m think I’m going to put up a new picture. I’m getting all these Unitarians.

Sarah: But that picture is so cute, though! And what’s wrong with Unitarians?

Regina: It’s not Unitarians as a sect, or whatever. It’s Unitarians that announce their Unitarian…ism in an online dating profile.

Sarah: Oh, I don’t know. If a guy doesn’t believe in the Holy Ghost, I want to know that up front.

Regina: Shut up, I’m serious. You don’t think that’s bizarre?

Sarah: Did you check your search parameters? Maybe you accidentally asked it to match you with Unitarians.

Regina: Maybe. Okay, I have to get this sorted out.

Sarah: Okay, bye.

3

Sarah: Oh my god, are you watching this shit on Court TV?

Regina: What?

Sarah: On Court TV. The thing with the guy?

Regina: No.

Sarah: Oh. Okay. Okay, bye.

4

Regina: All right, now — the artsy Ansel Adams picture where I look kind of Audrey Hepburn, but it doesn’t really look like me? Or the one that looks like me, but I’m greasy and fat?

Sarah: I…well.

Regina: Yeah yeah, you’re sure I’m not greasy and fat, blah blah blah whatever.

Sarah: Er, Hepburn? I’d have to actually see the pictures.

Regina: But…the sunglasses. Okay, can I email them both and then you tell me which one?

Sarah: Okay.

Regina: Okay, bye.

5

Sarah: Hi.

Regina: Hepburn?

Sarah: But I have a question first. In the Hepburn one, what is that thing on your shirt? Is that a design, or…

Regina: On my shirt?

Sarah: That stain-shaped thing over your boob? It looks like barbecue sauce?

Regina: Stain-shaped th– OH, JESUS.

Sarah: Yeah, see…

Regina: IT’S BIRD POO.

Sarah: I was afraid of that.

Regina: I have to go now.

Sarah: Okay.

Regina: AND KILL MYSELF.

Sarah: Okay. Call me later.

Regina: Okay.

6

Sarah: Hello?

Regina: BIRD. POO.

Sarah: I know, honey.

Regina: Okay, bye.

7

Regina: Dude, are you watching BBC America right now?

Sarah: No.

Regina: With the lady with the — eh, never mind, bye.

8

Regina: Where are you?

Sarah: The — erk! — the kitchen.

Regina: You sound all echoey.

Sarah: Oh, my head is in the microwave.

Regina: Do you…want to call me back?

Sarah: Yeah, do you mind? I just need to [ker-bang-ksssssh-ssssping!] — oh, for fuck’s sake.

Regina: Are you okay?

Sarah: Yeah yeah, I — I’ll call you back.

9

Sarah: What.

Regina: The microwave isn’t — on. Right now. Is it?

Sarah: Just give me five minutes here.

Regina: But it’s not on, right?

Sarah: Five minutes.

10

Sarah: Yeah, hi. Sorry about that. There was this whole drama with a potato blowing up.

Regina: You have to poke holes in them, dude.

Sarah: I did poke holes in it, but it blew up anyway, I don’t know why, and then I tried to take the lazy susan part out to clean it, but it was hot, so I dropped it, it was this whole thing. Hey, what do you clean a microwave with, anyway?

Regina: Soap and water?

Sarah: Riiiight.

Regina: You used something with chemicals in it?

Sarah: …”no”?

Regina: Why don’t you call me back later?

Sarah: Okay.

11

Sarah: Hey, guess what?

Regina: Uh…

Sarah: When you mix Fantastik and potato fragments together, it smells like vodka!

Regina: Okay, here’s what you’re going to do.

Sarah: Really really bad vodka.

Regina: You’re going to open a window.

Sarah: Vodka, bodka, modka!

Regina: You’re going to get some air. Okay? You’re going to open a window and get some air, and then — hello?

Sarah: Podka, dodka, codka made from fiiiiishieeees!

Regina: Oh, God.

Sarah: I feel really weird suddenly. Okay, bye!

Regina: Hello? HELLO? Christ.

12

Sarah: Hi. Sorry, I had to lie down for a few minutes.

Regina: Are you all right? Did you open a window?

Sarah: Yeah, yeah. Now I just have to light a match, and all these fumes should clear right —

Regina: NO NO DON’T DON’T LIGHT A MATCH JESUS!

Sarah: Oh, for God’s sake, I’m just kidding. Calm down, “Rachel.”

Regina: Yeah, that’s really funny. Except not, because you were singing about codka made from fishies.

Sarah: Okay, okay, “don’t clean the microwave with Fantastik,” got it, lesson learned.

Regina: God.

Sarah: Gotta go, hazmat team’s here.

Regina: Yeah, ha ha. Ha? Hello?

13

Sarah: TURN ON E!, TURN ON E!, TURN ON E! RIGHT AWAY!

Regina: What what? Who? Turning!

Sarah: E! E!

Regina: What? Wh– oh, man. What the hell is that?

Sarah: That, my friend, is the panty line that ate Pittsburgh.

Regina: And part of Wilkes-Barre.

Sarah: I know.

Regina: It’s called “a thong,” Margaux, damn.

14

Regina: Dude.

Sarah: I know.

Regina: The bronzer…the bronzer.

Sarah: I know, dude.

15

Regina: What if I Photoshopped the bird poo out?

Sarah: Sure, that would work.

Regina: Okay. I’ll Photoshop the bird poo out. Okay. Okay, bye.

16

Regina: I can’t get a good idea of these colors online.

Sarah: Yeah, I’d go to the store. Every time I buy lipstick online, it’s always way pinker than I thought and I have to return it.

Regina: But you got that MAC one you liked.

Sarah: Right, but I’d actually seen it on someone in real life, which is why I wanted it.

Regina: Oh. So you wouldn’t risk it for a lip tint?

Sarah: Well, a tint, that’s different.

Regina: It’s just a tint.

Sarah: Yeah, I’d risk it for a tint.

Regina: Okay, I’m risking it, then.

Sarah: Except — wait. Which one are you getting?

Regina: “Berry Blitz,” “Berry Bliss,” something like that.

Sarah: You’re not getting the brick one?

Regina: No, you’re getting the brick one.

Sarah: No, the brick one is too pink for me.

Regina: But it’s brown.

Sarah: But when I get it in the mail, it’ll be pink. You should get the brick one.

Regina: I don’t like the brick one, it’s too brown.

Sarah: But it’s a tint.

Regina: So you get it, then.

Sarah: It’s too pink.

Regina: But it’s brown.

17

Regina: So you got it?

Sarah: Too pink. No. Hey, click on the “for eyes” section.

Regina: Aaaaaand ew. Colored mascara is back in now?

Sarah: I’ll get it if you get it.

Regina: Oh, I’m not getting it.

Sarah: You’re not getting it?

Regina: Are you getting it?

Sarah: Not if you’re not getting it.

Regina: Which one would you get, if you got it?

Sarah: I don’t think I’ll get it.

Regina: But if you did.

Sarah: I’m not getting it.

Regina: Oh.

Sarah: You want to get it now?

Regina: No, I was just wondering which one you’d get if I said I’d get it and we both got it.

Sarah: Which one would you get?

Regina: The green one.

Sarah: Me too.

Regina: But I’m not getting it.

Sarah: Me either.

18

Regina: Well, I got it.

Sarah: You did?

Regina: You didn’t?

Sarah: No! You said you wouldn’t get it, so I didn’t get it!

Regina: But I thought you just said you wouldn’t get it so that I would get it, and then we would both get it!

Sarah: Oh, no — I thought you really wouldn’t get it, so I didn’t get it either.

Regina: Except that I got it.

Sarah: Sorry, dude.

Regina: I got that brick thing, too.

Sarah: Me too!

Regina: Oh, God. We should really stop calling each other.

Sarah: I know. Hey, did you get that little compact-y blush thing?

Regina: No. Ew, with the purple stuff? No. Did you?

Sarah: No. Okay, let’s not call each other for a while because this is getting gross.

Regina: Okay.

Sarah: Okay, bye.

19

Regina: What if it’s not a co-dependently shopping online for makeup together call?

Sarah: I think it’s okay.

Regina: Okay. Go to oldnavy.com.

20

Sarah: You got them in red too?

Regina: Shit. I thought you would get the black ones. You always get the black ones.

Sarah: Except when I get the red ones.

Regina: Okay, this is really really not good. We have to stop with the shopping calls.

Sarah: I agree.

Regina: For real. I have no money and we’re turning into the Olsen twins.

Sarah: Okay. No more shopping calls.

Regina: I mean it.

Sarah: Okay.

21

Regina: Hello?

Sarah: Okay, this is more of a bidding call, technically, so, go to eBay and type in —

Regina: [Click.]

Sarah: Hello? Hello? [Beep boop beep. Ring ring.]

Regina: Hello?

Sarah: Okay, you don’t have to buy it, just loo–

Regina: [Click.]

Sarah: Hello? Rrr. [Beep boop beep. Ring ring.]

Regina: What.

Sarah: It’saPaulFrankskirtit’sonlytendol —

Regina: [Click.]

22

Sarah: DON’T HANG UP we can call about boys, right? To talk about boys?

Regina: Yeah?

Sarah: Well, see, Paul Frank is a b–

Regina: [Click.]

23

Regina: It’s the wrong size, anyway.

Sarah: Heh. Heh heh.

Regina: What? OH, CRAP. [Click.]

Sarah: Heh. Hello?

24

Regina: Do pickles go bad?

Sarah: Hee.

Regina: Seriously.

Sarah: I think you can’t really tell — well, unless it’s furry. Why, did you eat a furry pickle?

Regina: Ew.

Sarah: Hee.

Regina: Hee hee.

Sarah: Heeeeee hee hee.

Regina: Hee hee hee hee hee!

Sarah and Regina: HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

Sarah: “Furry pickle.”

Regina: Oh, man. Hee hee.

Sarah: Hee. Hee. So, did you? Eat a pickle that was furry?

Regina: Hee hee.

Sarah: Hee hee hee hee hee!

Sarah and Regina: HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

Regina: Hee hee. No, it wasn’t furry. Hee. It just tasted funny.

Sarah: A funny-tasting pickle.

Regina: Hee hee.

Sarah: Heeeeee hee hee.

Regina: Hee.

Sarah: Hee. “Pickles.”

Regina: Hee hee hee hee hee!

Sarah and Regina: HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

Regina: Okay. Seriously, now. It tasted weird. Kind of alcoholic.

Sarah: Okay, seriously, I think that means it’s bad. Not as bad as a furry pickle — hee — but bad.

Regina: So if it tastes kind of like wine, it’s — hee. Hee hee — it’s a bad pickle, then.

Sarah: Bad pickle! Bad!

Regina: Hee hee hee!

Sarah: Heeeeee hee hee.

Sarah and Regina: HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

25

Sarah: Hey, remember Beanula?

Regina: Yeah? Dude, we still can’t draw.

Sarah: I know. But if we could find someone who could draw, and we did Beanula and Bad Pickle?

Regina: The Dark Food Returns?

Sarah: Yeah!

Regina: No.

Sarah: Except I can’t decide if they should have separate stories, or be in one gang like Fat Alb— wait, “no”?

Regina: No.

Sarah: …”no.”

Regina: No.

Sarah: Okay.

Regina: No apocalyptic food.

Sarah: Okay. Okay, bye.

26

Sarah: “Broccubus”?

Regina: No.

Sarah: Okay. Okay, bye.

27

Regina: Shouldn’t it be “Broccula”? Or “Broccolus”? Like “Angelus”?

Sarah: No. “Broccubus.”

Regina: Really?

Sarah: Broccubus sits on your chest and steals your breath. Totally different from the vampire concept.

Regina: Oh. Okay.

Sarah: Okay?

Regina: Yeah. Okay, bye.

28

Sarah: Broccubus could have an evil twin, though.

Regina: But Broccubus is already evil.

Sarah: Okay, “an also evil twin,” then.

Regina: Evil in a different way.

Sarah: Right, sure.

Regina: Broxsploitation.

Sarah: Now you’re talking.

29

Sarah: Do you think it’s wrong to wash down Maalox with a Miller Lite?

Regina: If it is, I don’t want to be right.

Sarah: Me neither.

30

Regina: HBO PLUS, HBO PLUS, GO GO!

Sarah: What? Who?

Regina: HBO PLUS!

Sarah: Okay okay! Who — AUGH! OHHHHH MY EW!

Regina: Put ON some PANTS, is what I’m saying here.

Sarah: PANTS!

Regina: Two pairs.

Sarah: TWO!

Regina: Anyway.

Sarah: I did NOT need to SEE THAT!

Regina: Yeah, neither did I.

Sarah: Man oh man. That was very very VERY wrong. Why did you show me that? Whyeeeeee? Do you hate me? Is that it?

Regina: Well, I could have just described it, but I don’t think we have a word in English for that kind of butt —

Sarah: Please don’t finish that thought.

Regina: I mean, it really seems as though a few leg lifts —

Sarah: [Click.]

31

Regina: Hey, it’s me.

Sarah: Don’t.

Regina: What?

Sarah: Just…please don’t.

Regina: Oh, I won’t. I actually wanted to ask you about b–

Sarah: [Click.]

32

Sarah: Hello?

Regina: B–

Sarah: [Click.]

33

Sarah: Hello?

Regina: BARRETTES!

Sarah: [Click.] Oops. [Beep boop beep. Ring ring.]

Regina: BARRETTES BARRETTES BARRETTES!

Sarah: Okay okay okay! Sorry. I thought you were going to say something that started with “butt.”

Regina: Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Sarah: Well, sorry, but it’s your own fault! You shouldn’t have made me look at that while I was eating!

Regina: I’m sorry!

Sarah: Okay!

Regina: Okay. Can we talk about barrettes now?

Sarah: Absolutely.

Regina: Okay. Girlshop.com.

Sarah: Got it…hey. This is a shopping call.

Regina: Nooooo no no, this is a browsing call. We are merely browsing.

Sarah: Not shopping.

Regina: Browsing.

Sarah: Ok– ooh, those are cute!

Regina: Aren’t they? With the little ribbons?

Sarah: I love the grey ones.

Regina: You wouldn’t get the blue?

Sarah: No, I’d get the gr– we’re not really “browsing.” Are we.

Regina: Well — okay, so maybe I’m shopping, but you’re, you’re advising me! On a possible purchase!

Sarah: So, this is a shopping call.

Regina: No! Not really. Technically. Yes.

Sarah: We’re going to die alone.

Regina: Yep.

Sarah: Except that we’re not, because we’re like Chang and Eng with the fucking phone.

Regina: We really are. It’s bad.

Sarah: It’s so bad. Oh, oh! Speaking of bad, that lip tint arrived yesterday. Blech.

Regina: Oh, I know! Atrocious.

Sarah: Way too pink.

Regina: Way too brown.

Sarah: Bozo city.

Regina: Seriously. Let’s send it back and get the reddish one.

Sarah: Okay.

February 10, 2003

Tags:   friends   movies