It’s not a good day today. The weather is vintage August in New York — going outside feels like a cross between draping myself in a wet blanket fresh from an autoclave and taking that …

Yesterday, I placed an online personal ad. And I can hear you right now all “oh suuuure, act like you don’t care whether you get married, ‘oh, I don’t care, I don’t need a man, …

Stomach: Psst. Hey. Hey, you guys. Psst. You guys, wake up.
Liver: [Mrfflle.]
Stomach: Hey, wake up, you guys!
Liver: Shhhh.
Stomach: You guys?
Lower Intestine: Shhhh!
Stomach: You guuuyyyys…I’m huuuuungry.
Kidneys: SHHHH! God!
Stomach: Well, it’s eleven-thirty, and —
Liver: Dude, shut up. …

I try not to get snitty about the crappy English usage of other people. I breathe in through my nostrils and slowly out again with my mouth shaped like an “o,” reminding myself that not …

An entire cottage industry of humor — or, more accurately, “humor” — has sprung up around the following apocryphal sequence of events: woman emerges from dressing room, bathroom, or other outfitting alcove; woman strikes pose …

Dear IRS,
I just have a couple of questions here, because it’s a lot of money, and I’d just like to clear up a few things before I lop off my right breast and sell it …

Every year at around this time – when I’ve exhumed my sweaters from the back of the closet, returned my mittens to their rightful place on the radiator, and resumed my wintertime habit of grounding …

A week or so ago, I went to an outstandingly fun wedding. Well, okay, actually I went to an outstandingly fun wedding reception, since I plugged “Such-and-so Street” instead of “Such-and-so Avenue” into Yahoo’s mapfinder …

I spent last weekend on Fire Island in the company of my great good friends the Couch Baron and Dix, and after driving up to the ferry and wending our way to the island and …

Ernie and I had a lengthy conversation the other day, as we do almost every day, because we can never just get by with the “hey, how’s it going” check-in and have to complain about …