24 Vines In 24 Hours
Twenty-Four
Sars,
I just got into an argument with a coworker and friend about this, and realized that it is a very interesting debate. Wondering where you would weigh in on this.
We work at a multinational consulting firm (think EXTRA conservative). I have a friend that works here who is younger than I am, and this is her first venture into the corporate world. She is a very talented artist, and has some of those artist-type self-expression tendencies. She wants to have dreads. I told her that was not gonna fly here, and she pointed out that there are a number of African-American employees sporting dreads. I told her that was different, and she said that it was racist to allow AA employees to have dreads but not allow white employees the same right.
I feel like this — first of all, for some African-Americans, dreadlocks are part of a religion. And for some they are a cultural statement. But for most white people, they are merely a counterculture thing. And quite frankly, I think I have maybe seen ONE white person who didn’t look like a total tool with dreads. It doesn’t help that most white people that get them use toothpaste and Jell-O and look like crap. But I just cannot help but think it is something to get out of your system when you are 20 and not blame in on “the man” later on.
What do you think?
J
Dear J,
I think that, on the one hand, you’re right — most white folks who try to work the dreads look like crap, and like posers besides.
On the other hand, I think you need to spend a little less time worrying about the impression your friend’s hair makes in the workplace.If African-Americans at work find it offensive or presumptuous, they can take it up with her, but it’s not really your problem.
The closest Sars has ever gotten to dreads is a really awful case of bed-head.
Twenty-Three
Dear Sars:
You RAWK.
The end.
Just kidding.
I need objective outside-party advice. Here is the background info in a nutshell (names fictional to protect the innocent and guilty):
Colin and I have been friends for eight years. We have tons of mutual friends and go to the same social events. We have crossed the friendship line a bit. This was just a couple of times and we didn’t get all weird about it. The friendship stayed the same.
Here’s the story part.
A few months ago, we were at the same social event together and we started the whole “we’re just friends but we’re totally physically/mentally attracted to each other” thing. He was sans girlfriend (Valerie) that night, and we ended up staying together. Over the next couple of months, we played this back-and-forth game with each other of stealing time together. We literally cannot be in the same room together without touching each other. Our chemistry is so obvious that complete strangers comment on it.
One night, we had this really deep conversation about how I felt about him. He accused me of being in love with him, and I denied it. Blah blah I’d-never-been-in-love-with-anyone-ever-cakes. Of course, about five hours later it sunk in. Hell yeah I was in love with him. Duh.
Valerie got a clue and figured out about us. They broke up.
He started playing passive-aggressive with me. One minute he wanted to be with me, the next minute I was “freaking him out.” We didn’t start dating or anything. It was mostly just emails and being out in the same place together. I gave him space. One night he was a total dick, so I told him off. He went home and emailed me at 4 am that he was sorry and could we hook up later that night. We did. Everything was cool.
About a week later my best friend, her boyfriend, and I were out, and in walks Valerie…with Colin. They got back together. No explanation to me whatsoever.
I know I should just say fuck it and move on, but that’s really hard. It’s been three weeks since that night and I haven’t heard from him at all. He said a brief “hi” to me last week, but that was it…you could tell he wanted to be with me, though. He has been such an influential part of my life as a friend. It’s hard to imagine not having that in my life, not to mention the fact that I’m still totally in love with him.
When he starts to feel comfortable about approaching me (and he will, I assure you), this is the position I think I should take (although my heart says otherwise), and of which I want your opinion:
“We are not friends. You have no respect for me whatsoever.”
What do you think? I mean, I know why he went back to her…it would be a novel if I tried to explain it here, but basically he’s a coward. I know I deserve better…should I just tell him that? Do I even want to be friends with someone who would treat me like that?
BTW: I’m not usually this “girly.” I’m an extremely bright and levelheaded chick.
Thanks…you still RAWK!
Sweater Girl
Dear Sweater Girl,
Yes, just tell him that…you can add that you’d like to save the friendship, but make it clear that it’s on him to do so.He needs to act like a friend, a real one, and not just a butthead who makes emotional decisions based on what’s expedient, because that’s what he is, and does.
If he says he can’t do that — or says he can, but his actions prove otherwise — you’ll have to cut ties.I know it’s painful and I know that you have an attraction to him which muddles things up, and I won’t pretend that I haven’t found myself in the same position and allowed things to drag on and on and hoped that the guy in question would figure his shit out, because I have, and I have, and it sucks and I felt like an idiot later and blah blah blah.But you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that your heart has made an error in judgment.Your resolve might fail at first, but you have to try to distance yourself.
And stop blaming yourself, because you shouldn’t — least of all for “acting ‘girly.'”It’s not acting girly to want the mixed messages and chain-yanking to stop; it’s human.If Colin can’t act like a human, and treat you like one, that’s not your fault, but you shouldn’t stick around.
If Sars has said it once, she’s said it a hundred times — into every life a little Colin must fall.
Twenty-Two
Dear Sars,
First, I want to say that I love your site.It’s the funniest thing I’ve read on the internet in a very long time.I want to get your advice because you do give very good advice, and also because I can’t go to any of my close friends.
Let me explain.I am thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, but I know that any of my close friends would tell me that I was an idiot and just being a brat because they all love him to death.And he really is the greatest boyfriend in the entire world.Let me give you a little history.I have known “Bob” since high school, and we are both at the same college.We didn’t start dating until about a year ago, though, because I had a boyfriend for most of that time, and because we had gotten to be best friends and just didn’t think of each other that way.
Well, after my ex and I split, Bob and I fell in love and were so happy.My parents love him to death, and that’s a hard feat for any boy to accomplish.All of my girlfriends like him, and they have all told me in one way or another that if I lose him I would be the biggest fool in the world and they would kill to have a boyfriend like Bob.He really is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I have ever known, and he treats me (and everyone else) better than anyone I have ever known.But I feel like I don’t deserve him.He does a million and one things for me a day, but I never do anything for him.In fact, he quit asking me to do things for him because I always say no, or say that I will and back out because I’m tired or whatever.He doesn’t get mad at me over it or anything; he just accepts that that is the way that I am.I know that he loves me completely and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
We are practically engaged in all things except there is no ring on my finger.But I don’t deserve him at all.I have done a lot of terrible things to him that he has every right to be angry at me with, and he told me once that if I were just some girl he was dating he would have broken up with me over an incident (I lied to him about having to go straight home from work because I had to be up and back at work so early and needed to go to sleep, and then went out with some friends all night, and got busted because he came to my apartment that night to leave me flowers and a nice card saying that he missed getting to see me but that he hoped I got plenty of rest and had a wonderful day the next day), and instead of apologizing to him for hurting him, I instead get angry at him, and he winds up having to apologize to me for getting angry.This has happened on several occasions, and I can tell that he always genuinely feels sorry for getting angry at me, even though each time he had a legitimate reason.The only times I’ve ever gotten angry at him are for stupid or really selfish reasons, like he had a terrible migraine one weekend when I really wanted to go out, and I yelled at him for being sick at such an inopportune time.And then, even though I could tell he could hardly walk, he still got out of bed and ready and took me out to dinner and went to a party with me (where he immediately went into the host’s bedroom and passed out on the floor until I was ready to go).
So as you can see, I do not at all deserve someone who treats me as well as he does.The fact that he stays with me makes me feel terrible, because I feel like I am holding him back from finding someone who will really appreciate him for who he is and how much he does for the people he loves.If I break up with him, I know that it would kill him, because he swears that he has never been happier in his whole life, even though I know that he gets upset over a lot of things that I do (like the aforementioned migraine and getting busted incidents).He wants us to get married in a few years, and my parents treat him like a son-in-law as it is, but I’m not sure if I feel the right way about him anymore.It makes me feel so guilty for going out and doing things on my own because I feel like I am abandoning him, even though he encourages me to have my own friends and to go out and have fun (he is a real homebody and would rather stay at home and watch movies).I would love nothing more than to be with him when I am thirty or so and settled down, but right now I want to go out and have as much fun as possible, and if that means going out all night drinking then that’s what I want to do, but I can’t ever enjoy it because I know that Bob disapproves of that kind of thing, and that disapproval hangs over my head all the time.
I talked to my mom about this, and she told me it sounded like I love the benefits of Bob, but the responsibilty has caught up to me and I don’t want to have to deal with it.He would do anything in the world for me, but I won’t even go to see movies in the theater with him even though that is something he loves.Is it selfish of me to want to split with him over something as silly as feeling guilty?It would crush him and would mostly likely end our friendship too, and I don’t want that.I still love him with all of my heart as my best friend, but I don’t know if I’m feeling the wrong way about him because of the feeling guilty, or if because I may not really be in love with him anymore.If you asked me two months ago, I would have told you that there is no one else on earth that I would rather be with and I was never going to leave Bob’s side, but now I don’t know.Am I just being spoiled and trying to take the easy way out here?Should I suck it up and take responsibility in our relationship and work it out with him?I would very much like your advice, because asking any of my friends would probably wind up with his hearing about it and I don’t want him to know how I have been thinking.
Thank you,
Bratty Bratterson?
Dear Bratty,
For the love of little apples, break up with him — but not for your sake.For Bob’s.
You treat him like shit.You don’t feel guilty, not really, and you don’t love him; you just think you should.You pretend to feel bad, and then you keep pulling the same old harridan bullshit on him, because he’s a pussy and he lets you.If Bob had a backbone at any point, your shrewish diva routine has clearly divested him of every last vertebra, and if he would get up out of his bed with a migraine because The Little Princess shrieked at him that she wanted to go out drinking, he’s clearly suffering from Stockholm syndrome.
I would tell you what to do, and why, but there’s really no point.You might think you understand what it means to love someone, to subvert your interests and needs to his occasionally, to do the bare minimum required of you as a human being to keep a relationship going…but you clearly don’t.You can’t.Much like an infant, you don’t see anything outside yourself.
I mean, yes, in answer to your question, you’re spoiled and selfish…shockingly so.But it’s not like you have any sincere understanding of that fact.You didn’t really write to me for advice, you see.You wrote to me because you wanted me to tell you that you’re not a ball-breaker.You want me to give you my blessing to keep doing exactly as you please with no regrets or thought for others.You don’t get it, so do whatever you want.You will anyway.That’s your problem.
Sars feels really, really sorry for this Bob guy.
Twenty-One
Sars,
I cannot believe it’s come to me asking a complete stranger, even if it is a very cool, together chickie, for advice. But I’m not the gossip type and if I ask anyone else, they’ll know who I am referring to.
My friend H has been a really good friend to me for the last few years. But lately, she has completely lost her shit. She has gone from being a responsible, well-employed, normal person, to a complete basket-case toxic friend. A few months ago, she quit a good job in real estate to become a waitress and go to chef’s school (which she never even applied to). She immediately drunkenly fell down the stairs to her apartment and broke her ankle, leaving herself unemployed. At the same time, she and her boyfriend broke up, compounding the issue.I offered to help her in any way I could, driving her around, even loaning her money. I had loaned her money in the past, and she paid it back; we’ve never had any issues before. I am not one to tell others how to live their lives, especially people I’m close to, but lately it’s gotten out of hand. Instead of looking for a second or better job to pick up some of her rent, car, and utility slack, she parties all night and sleeps all day, a fact that confounds me when she claims to have no money.
Last week, she asked to borrow her car payment amount, and I told her I didn’t feel comfortable loaning her more money, because she’d made no attempt to try to really help herself and I simply did not have that much money to lose. Now she is telling me that, because I didn’t loan her the money, she is going to have her car repossessed. To make matters worse — in her mind, anyway — in this same time frame, I’ve gotten the job of my dreams and met the man of my dreams. Everything is coming together for me. But it is all sometimes overshadowed by her being so down, because I do care about her as a friend. I am careful not to ignore her in favor of the boy, or to be too jubilant about my good fortune as of late. I guess what I’m asking is, do I tell simply tell her that it’s not my responsibility to pay her bills, tell her it’s not my responsibility, and if she’d get off her ass and go find a better paying job (which there are PLENTY of here in this city) she’d be paying it, or simply cut her loose? I feel like I’ve really held my tongue on this one, but I’m nearing the breaking point. How much is too much?
Thanks,
Feeling Not So Friendly
Dear Not So,
For your friend to blame you for her car’s repossession is bullshit, and you should tell her that, in so many words.She’s a voting adult.She needs to take responsibility for herself.If she can’t pay for the car, she doesn’t get to keep the car; if she wants to pay for the car, she can get a damn job like everyone else.Period.
Remind her that you love her as a friend and you’ll gladly support her — emotionally.Financially, well, you don’t want to become her loan officer, and if she can’t accept that, that’s her decision, but you’ve made yours and that’s that.No more money.No more rides.No more friendship welfare program.You’ll sympathize, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
You don’t have to say it in a harsh way, but you do have to say it.Yeah, she’s going through a tough time, but laying a guilt trip on you about things she should have taken care of is ridiculous, and you should make it crystal clear that you won’t stand for that.
Sars isn’t an ATM.
Twenty
Hi Sars,
Last week, a friend of mine came to stay with me for a few days.As she was staying for a while, she made herself comfortable in my house, which included sitting around barefoot while we did stuff like talk or watch TV.Fine with me.Except I couldn’t help noticing that she has this tendency to unconsciously rub the bottom of her bare feet.All the time.She rubs the balls of her feet, runs her fingers through her toes, stuff like that.I couldn’t help being totally fixated on this (we’d sit around watching TV, and I would just stare at her fingering her toes, and then cringe as she’d pick up the remote control), and after a day I told her to cut it out.Her response to me: “Oh, sorry, I forgot you were weird about stuff like that.”What?ME?I’M the weird one?I think that I’m the normal one for being grossed out by her picking at the bottom of her feet and then touching my stuff.She thinks that she’s the normal one for not being bothered by it.
After the initial outburst, I stayed quiet about it until one night when we ordered heroes for dinner.After the delivery guy left, I went to the bathroom and she, trying to be helpful, took the heroes out of their paper wrappers and put them on plates for us.She also scooped out some potato chips from a bag and put them on the plate for me.When I came back downstairs, she expected me to be happy, but I was disgusted — I had been watching her sliding her fingers through her toes for the last half hour, and the thought of eating those sandwiches made me nauseated.In fact, it was all I could do not to throw out that entire bag of potato chips, knowing her hands had been in there, touching the chips.Again, she accused me of being “weird,” and I told her that she was the one with the problem, and that she should cut it out.The next day, we were on the couch watching a movie, and she put socks on, which I thought was a nice gesture.But five minutes into the movie, she unconsciously slid her hand down her sock and was rubbing the bottom of her foot.When I called her on it, she looked embarrassed (she hadn’t at all noticed she was doing it) and sat in an uncomfortable position for the rest of the movie, with her feet out of reach.
So…I guess I’m asking if you see it her way or mine.Am I overreacting?I kind of feel like I’m accusing her of having cooties.But I’m truly put off by the thought of her touching in between her toes, and then touching my things (especially my food).And when the two of us hang out, I’m so distracted by her habit that it’s getting in the way of us having a normal friendship.Sorry if this seems really trivial, but I am truly distracted by the fact that she called ME the weird one.Am I?
Grossed Out In New York
Dear Grossed,
It sounds like your friend has a mild case of OCD going with the foot thing.I’m not one of those people who finds feet all that disgusting, but I’m with you — don’t touch the feet and then touch the food.That’s just nasty.
This isn’t about the feet, really.It’s about her staying in your home as a guest.As a guest, she should respect that her foot thing grosses you out, and she should either keep her hands off of her feet for a couple of days or make a point of washing her hands frequently.
Tell her so.Tell her that you love her, and you don’t care what she does with her toes on her own time, but when she stays with you, she’s got to scrub up after fondling her feet if she’s going to touch your stuff.If she pitches a fit about it, shrug, and don’t have her to stay again.
Sars doesn’t want toe-jam in the hummus, thanks very much.
Nineteen
Okay, so here’s the problem.I’ve known Ashley since we were in middle school (we’re now 26).We were good friends up until two years ago.What happened?Well, possibly the most bloodless WASP friendship breakup ever.
Two years ago was the summer of weddings and babies.Ashley and I had several friends in common, and it all started when Kristina got married.Ashley, Amy (Kristina’s sister), and I decided to throw Kristina a bridal shower.I guess I should back up here and say that there was a longstanding problem with Ashley that was around before any of this.The girl has not cut the apron strings at all.When she was in college, she lived in the dorm, but since the university was in the same city as her parents, she spent the weekends at home. But she left without graduating, moved back in with her parents, and got a full-time job.Actually, I helped get her the job, when the receptionist position opened up at my office.Anyway.Ashley was always ditching plans with her friends to do things with her parents.And it’s not like they’re invalids or friendless.They just have an unnatural hold on their daughter.
Fast-forward to the season of showers.Ashley and I no longer work together (I left to go back to school).Knowing her propensity to drop plans, I made her pick out the date for all of us to get together, plan the party, buy the supplies, et cetera.So she does, it’s an okay date with Amy and me, and off we go.Twenty minutes after she was supposed to meet us, she calls and says that her mom wants to go shopping and can we just go by ourselves.Okay, no problem.Hope she likes everything. The day of the shower, I tell her to be at Amy’s house, where we’re having the shower at 2:30.I tell her this because I really needed her there no later than 3:00.She showed up at 3:30.Needless to say, I’m peeved.
Later that summer, it’s time for a bridal shower for another friend (who lives out of town) and surprise! A baby shower for Kristina.I keep trying to pin down Ashley to pick two weekends to do these showers.She would have been offended if I didn’t ask her to co-host.So I tried.She kept coming up with conflicts with parent activities.Well, people were getting married, and babies were getting ready to be born.So, I just picked two dates.And sent the invitations out without her name on them as co-host.She wouldn’t be the bad person and back out of co-hosting, so I had to be the meanie by excluding her.
She was able to attend one of the showers, but not the other.And we haven’t spoken since, except at functions where we’ve both been invited by someone else.
So what’s the question in all this? I recently ran into her at, of course, another bridal shower.And I realized that, for all her faults, I missed my friend.We used to have a lot of fun together, going to movies, shopping, going out to eat.But now it’s all awkward and stuff.And since we didn’t have a knock-down drag-out, I don’t exactly know how to go about getting back our friendship.
Do I need to apologize?Does she?Should I even bring it up?Or should I just call her up, ask her to a movie, and if she says no, just drop it forever?
The only thing really holding me back is that I foresee lots of functions in the future where I’ll run into her.I don’t want to make those occasions more awkward than the ones I’ve been to in the last two years.
Thanks,
Nicole
Dear Nicole,
I think I lack some of the context required to answer this question. I don’t understand why, since she had already shown herself to be unreliable and a flake about such things, you took it upon yourself to make the token gesture of asking Ashley to co-host the showers. You say you did so because she would have been offended if you hadn’t, but…why? It’s not like she didn’t remember that she’d totally failed in her hosting duties on the previous showers. And if you’d just come out and told her that you didn’t appreciate her non-contribution to the previous showers and that you were taking the responsibility out of her hands, maybe you would still be friends now.
On the other hand, I’ve never even been to a shower, much less hosted one, so I guess there are a lot of politics underlying them with which I am not familiar. So I totally don’t know how to answer your question, because I have no clue how things work in your world. Judging by your letter, it sounds like you were both being passive-aggressive — that no one ever sat anyone down to say, “My family requires a lot of my attention and I wish you could understand that” or “It makes me feel like you don’t care about our friendship when you cancel our plans all the time.”
I guess, since (as you say) there was no confrontation, it’s possible that you could mend the rift without having a Big Talk about what went wrong the first time around. It sounds like your instinct to invite her to a movie or some such is probably a good one; if she says no, that’s that, but if she agrees to go, I’d say you should just try to pick up where you left off and consider the matter closed. It’s possible that in the time since you two haven’t been hanging out, she’s changed her ways.
However, I would add that if you do patch up your relationship and she resumes her old habits of cancelling with no notice or taking all the credit for co-hosting showers without doing any of the actual work, you will need to sit her down and tell her that if you can’t depend on her, you can’t be friends with her. I know that confrontation is hard, but when your friend sucks and, instead of telling her why, you keep giving her more opportunities to remind you that she sucks — without giving her a chance to show you that she can improve her behaviour — you really bring heartache on yourself. Ashley does sound thoughtless and infuriating, but she’s not a mind reader. If you’re not able to communicate honestly with each other, what “friendship” are you trying to save, anyway?
Wing Chun’s not sure she could be friends with someone named Ashley. No offense.
Eighteen
I think I am a fool.I shared a passionate night with a good friend who had just a week before broken up with his two-year girlfriend (but that in itself wasn’t the mistake).As background, at one point last year we’d had an explicit glimpse of our shared attraction, but I’d pushed it under the rug since he was, at the time, still dating her, and as I saw it, there was nothing to be done.Anyway, when they broke up, we went out with a group of friends, spent the late part of the night just talking one-on-one, and then he initiated some snuggling that, surprise surprise, escalated.To be honest, what happened next was amazing, both in terms of the sexual “rapport” and our level of comfort with one another.We then tried to do some of the pillow talk, in which we both affirmed how important our friendship was and both acknowledged the inherent complexity of the situation, and I did my best (or so I thought) to let him know how much I enjoyed it and how much I do indeed care about our friendship, but that I absolutely wanted to put him at ease about me in every way, and that I certainly wasn’t assuming that this would lead to romance (or another passionate episode).
Well, the truth is — and it’s taken me two months until I smacked myself on the forehead realizing it — that I do think I want romance (and more passionate episodes) with him, and I did even then, but I was (a) too afraid to admit it, even to myself, and (b) jumping to the conclusion that he didn’t/wouldn’t want either of those things from me, and therefore assumed that I was “putting him at ease” and protecting myself by telling him, “Don’t you worry, I’m not going to be after you for some kind of relationship or anything.”
What’s worse is that, with that perspective, I look back at what he’d doneand said and now think that he was actually interested in me in a real way (suboptimal timing notwithstanding), and that he viewed my defensive efforts simply as my signal that I wasn’t interested — and what’s worse, that I thus was cavalier about sharing myself like that, and that as a person I have a harder heart than the very soft one I’ve actually been hiding away for a very long time.
As I mentioned, this was a smack-on-the-forehead realization (even though I admit that I could still be wrong), and my tack during the time since (playing it cool, trying to let him own up to it and take the lead while thinking he was a jackass and a bad friend when he didn’t call, et cetera) has probably only reinforced our equally inaccurate perspectives of what went down.In general, he’s been distant but, when our paths have crossed, rather kind.
So now what?Do I just go to him and tell him all of this — risking being wrong or, even if I’m right, risking that he wouldn’t now admit it because I’ve already hurt him once when he tried to let himself be vulnerable to me (and at a time when he was vulnerable already)?To complicate matters, if I do indeed want him to want me (either again or for the first time), it seems like head-on confrontation is one of the least promising ways to accomplish that.Or maybe I should just let it all go.Or maybe I should instead just go to him and say that my fundamental goal is to restore the friendship and let us try to work on that, without confessing that I have this theory.Or maybe I should just bite my tongue until we end up out together again and let him take the lead.Oh, CRAP.
I’ve analyzed this situation so much and with such widely varying conclusions that I don’t know what to think anymore.It’s hard and scary enough to take a friendship to another level, as you’ve written before, and it seems like there’s such a slim chance that we’ll actually come out on the other side of this happy.What’s my best option here?
I Should’ve Had A V-8
Dear V-8,
Okay, look.Whatever you decide to do, you’ve got to get in some face time with the guy so that you don’t drive yourself stone crazy overthinking this thing instead of catching a few winks in a sunbeam.
Call him up.Invite him out for a casual drink; add that you’ve missed him lately and you’d love to see him.Breathe in; breathe out.
Once you have him in front of you, you can do one of three things.You can confess that you actually had an ulterior motive for inviting him out, and then tell him everything you just told me and get it off your chest and see what he says.Or you can have a couple of beers, chat with him, try to get a read of the emotional weather, and decide whether or not to unburden yourself based on how he’s acting.Or you can rub yourself back and forth, back and forth, back and forth on his leg.And howl.And stand by your bowl with an expectant look.I’ve had a lot of success with that in the past.
But the guy can’t read your mind, and you can’t read his.It’s really scary to be honest, but it’s the best way to get the issues dealt with, so you should probably curl up in his lap, knead his thighs with your claws, and see how he responds.At worst, he’ll yell “OW” and dump you back into the floor, but at least you’ll know.
Good luck,
Hobey
Hobey likes to work through relationship stress by sharpening his claws on the couch.
Seventeen
Dear Sars,
Relationship question, other venues exhausted. I may be asking this around town until someone tells me what I want to hear, or I may just be as confused as I come across. Here’s the dealio:
I am 25, have a fabulous job and a burgeoning career, am known amongst my friends as the gutsy confident one, and appear, from the outside, to completely have my act together.
A year and a half ago I married the sweetest, most unassuming man I’ve ever met. We dated for a year, got engaged and then married six months later. I will skip the problems I had with the engagement/wedding and get to the part where, a year and a half later, I want out.
Our relationship has deteriorated rapidly; in January I moved into the guest bedroom, and recently I’ve been making overtures to friends who are looking for roommates. My sweet and unassuming husband seems these days to be everything I don’t want in a man, and I find that my emotions are on a nonstop rollercoaster when I’m around him. So why don’t I just leave?
Because I don’t know if I should. I was suffering from depression when I got married, and I feel like I need to be alone for a while to sort myself out before I can consider whether this marriage is the right thing for me. But what kind of irreparable damage will I do in the meantime?
I sought therapy, and all the therapist wanted to focus on was how to fix the relationship vis a vis fixing me. But I can’t help thinking that I’ll never knowmyself unless I give myself the opportunity. Some people may be talented enough to figure themselves out in the context of a relationship, but I don’t think I can. After getting over my depression I have blossomed, and this new person wants her own space.
More therapy? Meds? Realize that I made a lifelong commitment and stop whining about needing some independence?
I don’t want to be 40 and realize that I should’ve left when I was 25. But I don’t want to kill this relationship or the emotional stability of what is basically a good man, even if he isn’t the man for me. But isn’t there a point where I have to think of myself first?
Unhappily ever after,
One Foot Out The Door
Dear OFOTD,
Let me get this straight — you’ve been with a sweet, unassuming man for three years and your relationship is rapidly deteriorating because…he’s everything you don’t want in a man?Because you’ve blossomed and need some space?Seriously, I’m going to need more to go on than your vague dissatisfaction with a man who’s stood by and supported you through depression and recovery.
You’ve been in therapy, so clearly you’re capable of communicating your needs, emotional and otherwise, with another human being.And yet you mention no such communication with the very person with whom you should be communicating on the most profound level.I can guarantee you that your husband’s emotional stability is threatened more by your unwillingness or inability to talk openly with him — in an effort to save your marriage — than by any blossoming on your part.
Both Oprah and I are thrilled that you’ve discovered your spirit, but wonder for how long you “need to be alone” in order to make a reasoned decision regarding the future of a life you were supposed to be making with your husband.Two weeks in Cancun at Sandals?I’m thinking you need to be alone for a good long while, so that you can sort out the things you’ve left out of your letter.It’s those things that speak more voluminously than those you’ve mentioned.
If your husband is not the vibrant, exciting person you now view yourself to be, either afford him the opportunity to blossom as you have done, or cut him loose to find someone less florid.Either way, you’ll need to give him more to go on than you’ve given me in your letter, unless leaving him without a clue as to what happened to your marriage is your goal.And remember: sweet and unassuming guys at 25 are fully capable of unleashing an unanticipated dynamo in the next decade.Guys like me, f’rinstance.
Later alligator,
bstewart
(bstewart hates Kevin Spacey with all the intensity of a thousand white-hot suns.He also likes children and flowers, and isn’t afraid to cry.He’s promised his friends he’s going to have a boyfriend-free summer but that already appears to be in jeopardy.)
Sixteen
Hi Sars,
Firstly, I adore adore adore all your writing.You seriously rock.And I think your advice is always spot-on, which is why I’m writing this.
I’m currently in a long-distance relationship; the guy’s in Texas and I’m in California, going to a community college.I’ve recently tried to transfer to the university my boyfriend’s going to, and I got in.It’s a good school, it’s ranked in the top 50 by US News, and it’s excellent for my major.So, everything should be peachy, right?
Wrong.My mother does not want me to go.At all. And the biggest reason she doesn’t want me to go is because of my boyfriend.However, that’s not the reason I’m transfering.My reasons: Firstly, like I said, it’s a great school, especially for my major.It’s also in a warm area, which is good, because I cannot stand the cold.My mom’s uncle went there, and I know a few other people who are going/will be going there. All in all, it seemsreally ideal for me.Yes, the fact that my boyfriend is there did affect my desicion to apply, but my mom believes that that’s the ONLY reason I want to go.And she’s acting as though we’re well on our way to getting engaged — which we are NOT.She wants me to go back to California, have one more year of community college, and then transfer to a UC.However, I’ve had a huge bout with depression during this past year (to which my mother says “everyone goes through that!” — but for a whole year?!), and I don’t think I can go through that again, which is another reason I want to transfer.
My question: How can I convince my mother to let me go?I’m still not sure where my dad stands on all of this, as he just found out about my boyfriend being there.Any help at all would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Desperate To Leave
Dear Desperate,
First of all, let me wholeheartedly agree with you that Sars kicks all kinds of ass.That’s why she needs so many rockin’ pairs of shoes.
On to the issue at hand — convincing your parents that you’re not leaving for far-off lands solely to be with some punk who just wants to get into their daughter’s pants.At some level, that’s probably one of your mom’s biggest concerns: her baby is leaving home and growing up, and she’s fighting it every step of the way.If she thinks your sole motivation for leaving is a boy, that’s even scarier for her.No mother wants to see her child emotionally invested in something that could end up causing pain, especially if that something is far from home, where she can’t take care of you.It’s very hard for them to let us make our own mistakes, get hurt, and learn from them before going on to make different — often bigger — mistakes.Keep in mind that all of the things she does that frustrate you are coming from a place of love and concern.
Make an effort to seek out and really listen to your parents’ opinions.You may tweak to something your mom’s really worrying about, and you could help assuage her fears if you understand where they’re based.In addition to just being a good idea, it will show your mom that you’re interested in why she objects, and not just in convincing her to think differently.She’ll appreciate your maturity and understand that you’re not just being argumentative and stubborn.
That being said, the three of you need to sit down and have a calm discussion about your moving.If your parents are paying for your education, they get to have a say in where it takes place.It’s great that you’ve thought about all the reasons you want to go to Texas.Write them down so that when you discuss them with your parents, they can see that you’ve given the move considerable thought.They’ll see that maybe his isn’t just a childish whim.A list will also ensure that you don’t forget anything if things get a little heated.Explain to Mom and Dad that you’ve been more than just a little unhappy in California, and you don’t see that changing if you go back.When presenting your case, take your boyfriend out of the equation; explain that your life in Texas wouldn’t be all about him, were you to go there.Learn about campus and local activities or organizations you might want to get involved in.Think about what could happen if you and he break up: do you have other friends there to help you learn your way around?Are you able to be fairly independent in a new setting until you become part of a new social circle?Show them that you’re excited to go to the school, and he happens to be one of the people you’ll know there.
You mentioned your recent bout with depression, butyou didn’t say that you’ve seen anyone about it.If you haven’t done so yet, please see a counselor or therapist.Yeah, lots of people have tough times their first year at college, but you’re right — a year is a long time to be depressed, and it’s not something you just “get over.”Also, while I agree that your being unhappy in California will probably be helped by a change of scenery, please don’t think that this move to Texas would be the cure for all that ails you.A depression of that length may be rooted in something deeper, that will stay with you no matter where you go.Get at it before it gets worse.
If you are getting help from someone, I recommend having that person mediate this discussion with your parents.A (trained) neutral third party can keep the conversation from straying off topic, and can offer observations and insights that y’all may not pick up yourselves because you’re in the thick of the situation.What matters most here is that you and your parents are really communicating.
When she’s not investigating bargains on sunglasses, Pooh is a mediator and future millionaire.
Fifteen
Hey Sars,
I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. We met because we work together. We still both work at the same place, but on different days and we don’t see each other or talk anymore. Our break-up was a little messy, and wewere both hurt. I haven’t really dated anyone since the break-up, not for a lack of guys but because I didn’t feel ready until now.
There’s this boy who also works at the same place as I do; we’ll call him the Crush. He is a wonderful person. We have flirted since before I broke up with the Ex. He is so sweet and awkward and dorky, and I have developed a crush on him. We have really connected, we talk all the time, we have a lot in common, and I think he likes me. He gives me sound advice when I ask for it; he’s always tickling me, holding my hand, twirling me around. He has asked me if I can tell when someone likes me, and told me he likes someone at work but wouldn’t tell me who. He compliments me all the time, saying things like how I’m so sweet, so pretty, a strong, independent girl, et cetera et cetera.
There are a couple problems with the Crush, though. First of all, he is only home for the summer. In a month and a half, he’ll be going back to his school, which is 500 miles away. Second of all, about a month and a half ago, one of my friends told me she liked him, and I went to the trouble to set them up on a date, which turned out pretty bad, with the Crush saying he wasn’t really into this friend of mine. AND I have sent him mixed messages, saying I just want to be friends, I am not ready for a boyfriend, and so on, when in reality I would love to date this guy. I would settle for being his friend if it meant I could hang out with him, but he comes across as the kind of guy who doesn’t have girl friends. He seems to think our sex is only for crushing on/dating.
I know I have pretty much created my own problem with this situation, but I was wondering what your take on it was, and what I should do. Do you think he likes me? Do you think it’s stupid of me to want to date another guy I workwith? Should I pursue this thing, and if so, how should I go about it? I would really appreciate your comments and advice, whether they be positive or negative. Thanks in advance…
Crushing On A Co-Worker
Hi Crushing:
Don’t crushes suck? The worst part is that you know you are being completely ridiculous, and yet you can’t help it.
Anyway, here’s what I think. First of all, I don’t think the “working together” thing should really apply here, since your Crush is only going to be working with you for the next month. Even if, worst-case scenario, things got really awkward between you two, it’ll be another year before you would have to work with him again, and I think that would be enough time to lessen the awkwardness.
Then there’s the issue of whether he’s interested. I don’t know. I don’t know him and I don’t know you. The only way to find out if he’s interested is to ask him out. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like he likes you as a friend at the very least, and possibly more, but again, some guys are just flirts like that.
But the real issue here is this: What do you want? Are you looking for a serious boyfriend, or just someone to hang out with for a while? If you’re looking for a serious boyfriend, I don’t think this guy is it right now. He’s going to be very far away from you in a few months, and long-distance relationships are very difficult. If you’re just looking for a summer fling, that’s another thing entirely, but those can be difficult too.
Then there’s the issue of you giving him mixed messages. Do you really want a boyfriend right now, or do you just like the attention? There’s nothing wrong with being flattered by a guy’s attention, especially after a bad break-up. It’s nice to feel like you’re still capable of attracting the opposite sex.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you aren’t really interested in a boyfriend, but you like the attention he gives you at work. You only broke up with your boyfriend a month ago. Maybe you should take some time to just be by yourself, flirt with guys, and hang out with guys, but don’t get too serious. It just doesn’t seem like you’re looking (or ready) to jump headlong into another relationship, particularly one that might be doomed from the start due to the distance (and the fact that the Crush doesn’t view girls as potential friends, which worries me a little bit). Enjoy the crush-y feelings for the next month, and have a good summer with your friends, doing what you want, when you want.
I brought in my friend Mary for a consultation, because she gives really good advice. She mentioned that if you do decide to go for it with the Crush, you should probably find out if it’s going to bug the friend youfixed up with him a while back. Is she over him? I know if I were in herposition, I would at least want the courtesy of a heads-up that you weregoing for it with The Crush.
Kim has never been The Crush, but she has had plenty of crushes, one of whom became her boyfriend. Read all about it at Fresh Hell.
Fourteen
Dear Sars,
What would you do in my situation? I am a person who is interested in fairly unusual things, and likes to spend her time doing things that many people don’t seem to like to do. Often, I feel that the things and experiences I value are at odds with the people around me — that they are perceived as unimportant or “weird.”
Fortunately, I have been married for four years to a man with whom I have much in common. I feel like we are two peas in a pod as far as values and interests go. He listens to me, he really understands what I am saying, he is capable of talking with me at length about things we are both passionate about. I admire many of his qualities and have tremendous respect for his intellect, humor, ambition, sense of curiosity about the world, and for the way he treats people. He truly is my fondest friend — I’ve never met anyone like him in all my 32 years (and I have traveled to many different places, and met many different people). Life without him would be diminished in many ways.
The only problem is, he is too much of a good,comfortable, reliable friend. There is rarely any physical passion in our relationship. We will go for two or three months without having sex, and though we hug and hold hands often, we have only “made out” a couple of times. Even then, our hearts weren’t really in it. We really have tried all the typical things couples do to spice things up, but even when our relationship was brand new, the spark just wasn’t there in that way. We’ve talked about this, and recognize that though we have tremendous intellectual and emotional chemistry, we just don’t have it physically. It’s no one’s fault. We both find other people physically/sexually attractive in a way we don’t find each other, but we both agree that finding someone with whom we click so well in all other ways would be a VERY long shot.
I do not want to lose this person, but I really love sex. I missed being kissed, I miss the physical side of myself that I’m losing touch with. I’m only 32 — I don’t think I can live forever without a physical relationship, though sometimes I think I would do it if the only other option is not being with him.
Is it my only other option? We’ve discussed having an “open” marriage, but agreed that that’s kind of half-assed. I am not going to cheat on him, and I really don’t think he’d cheat on me. Though if he did, I’d kind of understand. You can’t be expected to live without sex/physical contact.
So it boils down to: Should I give up a marriage that is 80 percent stellar because of 20 percent that is COMPLETELY intolerable to me (and to him)? What would you (or your readers) do? I really need some advice.
Q.
Dear Q.,
This is a complicated situation, and I don’t think there’s an easy answer. I have never been married, but I have been in a number of extended monogamous relationships, so I’ll work from that.
First of all, there’s no “rules” about these sorts of things, whatever externally imposed ideas we get from movies and magazines about what love and marriage, and life in general, is “supposed” to be like. It sounds like you have a lot of the things that make any relationship good, especially a marriage: you need to have that great 80 percent, I think, to be happy and stable with a lifelong partner. And because no partner will ever be 100 percent perfect for you, it really becomes a question of compromise, and what you’re willing to live without in exchange for what you’re getting. Maybe your spouse doesn’t love The Simpsons as much you, and you decide that that’s no big deal, or maybe you have different religions, but you work around that…whatever…there’ll always be something.
It sounds to me, from your letter, like you just aren’t willing to live without sex and physical chemistry for the rest of your life (i.e. “COMPLETELY intolerable”). Which I can understand; that would probably be a deal-breaker for me, frankly, long before I ever walked down the aisle. If you really have tried everything to infuse that physical side, then really ask yourself, point blank: am I still debating the plusses and minuses, or do I know, in my heart, that I’m just putting off what I have to do?
Of course, maybe some days you do feel fulfilled, and some you don’t, which is probably the case in every marriage, but you can’t, as you know, only be married on the days you’d like to be, so you have to make an overall call about whether or not this straw is hefty enough on its own to break the back, as it were, of the proverbial camel that is your marriage.
The real bummer is that it does sound like a wonderful friendship, and you’d likely lose it, for all kinds of reasons…but that’s not a reason to give up something very important to you that you don’t think you can be really happy without.
Take it slow, talk it out, and good luck.
Key Grip
Key Grip is hovering around 93 percent.
Thirteen
Dear Sarah,
I would like to say that I’ve truly enjoyed your writing ever since the Notes From the Smoking Section days.You’ve nearly gotten me into trouble at work more times than one when I haven’t been able to hold in my laughter while checking out your writing at work.Thank goodness my boss believes my lame “I was just reminded of something from The Simpsons” excuse.But on to my question.
This is another break-up letter, so I hope you aren’t getting bored to tears by them.My girlfriend/unofficial fiancee (we were engaged in all but the actual ring being on her finger) broke up with me about four months ago.We had been very dear friends since high school, and had dated for a little over a year, during which time we decided on marriage.When she broke up with me, her reasons were pretty vague.There was no “I just don’t love you anymore” or “I really don’t think we belong together after all” or anything like that.Instead, there was a weak “I have to find out if I feel the right way about you and be on my own for awhile.”We are both only 22, and her wanting to be young and go out do things for herself seemed reasonable, even if it didn’t make it hurt any less.The problem comes from what she has done since we broke up.
One of her reasons for the break-up was that she was feeling suffocated because I disapprove of her drinking. In the past, she has had a lot of bad times because of alcohol, and had pretty well sworn it off while we were together after realizing that, because of her drinking, she didn’t have any real friends around except for me (and I wouldn’t be around her when she was drinking), and the people that she did have weren’t the most reputable of people.But for some reason, she forgot about that and decided that she was tired of not being able to go out drinking with her buddies (a whole new group of disreputable people that she works with), because anytime she thought of it, she would feel guilty knowing that I disapprove.
So we stayed together trying to be friends for a few weeks for the holidays (this happened right before Christmas), mostly for our families (it took her several weeks before she could even tell her parents about it, and they were none too pleased).Even though I knew that was a bad idea and that it wouldn’t work, she insisted that I was still her best friend and that she wanted me to still be a big part of her life. While we were still being friends, she was drinking every night, seemingly to spite me.It finally came to the point where I had to sit her down and tell her that there was no way I could continue on like this, that being around her and seeing her change so much and so fast was too much to handle.When she drinks she acts stupid and makes a fool of herself, and she tends to do dangerous things, and being around her acting like that hurt more than you could ever imagine.I didn’t sleep for days at a time, couldn’t eat, what I did eat just came right back up.I told her about all of these things, and that she wouldn’t be seeing me again, possibly forever, and that I really wished she would straighten herself out because she was just setting herself up to be hurt all over again.I still love her and care about her, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.
Instead of my words getting through to her, she told me that she was glad, because she didn’t want me around anymore, because all I do is make her feel guilty, and that if all I was going to do was disapprove of what she was doing then I could walk myself right out her door and never come back through it again.So, that’s what I did.
Since then, she’s had some more very bad times because of alcohol (one of them being nearly choking to death on her own vomit in her sleep, just like a rock star!) and has alienated everyone who even half cares about her.She has let herself be used as a bank account, chauffeur, errand girl, and, some of us fear, sex toy by one of the drunks she is hanging around with (she buys his beer and cigarettes and drives him wherever he needs to go, in exchange for being able to crash at his rathole house and get sloppy drunk).The person that she really is hates people that act like she is now, and wouldn’t even give the time of day to the people she is calling her friends, but this new version of her is wearing her debauchery like a badge of honor.All of her many misdeeds (the vomit incident, driving to class drunk on several occasions, et cetera) are being recounted to others as if she were proud of them.
I really don’t know what happened to her to make her act this way, other than believing that she has completely changed from someone who would abhor this behavior to one that revels in it to keep from feeling guilt over it.I still love her with all of my heart and care about her more than anything.She made my life brighter than it had ever been, and now each day is filled with sorrow for her.It has been nearly four months since our break-up and it hasn’t gotten any easier on me, and I’m sure much of that has to do with the constant worry about if she is safe or not.
As an objective observer, what do you think would make someone change so rapidly from one extreme to another? Also, do you think that there is anything someone could do for her short of an intervention (the possibility of which she foresaw, and swore to one of our mutual friends that if it happened she would make sure we never saw her again)?I know her parents are worried sick over her just as I am, and are trying to help her out as much as they can, but since she doesn’t live at home, there is nothing they can really put their foot down about.Any sort of advice you could give on what might cause this and how to possibly help her would be greatly appreciated.
Yours,
The Man of Constant Sorrow
Dear TMCS:
Okay. OKAY. Look. I’m only going to say this once. THIS GIRL IS AN ALCOHOLIC.
She hasn’t changed “rapidly from one extreme to another.” She didn’t just snap her fingers one day and wind up sucking the worm out of the bottle in a South Side gutter somewhere. This behavior that she’s exhibiting didn’t just miraculously begin the moment you broke up. It sounds like it was present all along, and she just tempered it a bit during your relationship because she feared losing you. There’s one tenet that I know to be true: Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Ever notice how, when alcoholics go into rehab and go through the twelve steps and get their “badges” or whatever and yada yada yada, they still refer to themselves as “alcoholics”? Yeah. Know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE ALCOHOLICS.
This girl broke up with you so she could drink herself into oblivion without having to deal with you and your disapproval and concern. THAT’S THE CHOICE AN ALCOHOLIC WOULD MAKE. If you’re choosing the bottle over your loved ones, that’s a big-ass warning sign that rehab may not be out of the question.
You expressed your concern for her health and well-being, you told her how much you cared about her and that you still loved her, you gave her an ultimatum about your friendship. And what did she do? That’s right. SHE TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF AND NEVER COME BACK. She wants nothing to do with you, dude. People who are addicted to alcohol (or coke or heroin or painkillers or whatever) don’t really enjoy being around people who point out that they have a problem; it kind of puts a wrench in their whole plan of getting wasted and ruining their lives.
This is HER choice, my friend. Hers and hers alone. She’s not drinking to spite you; she doesn’t give a good goddamn about you. No matter how much that hurts you and how much the break-up itself has damaged your heart and soul, you have to remember that nobody’s putting a gun to her head and forcing her to drive drunk or sleep with skanky men while inebriated. SHE’S CHOOSING TO.
As difficult as this may be for you to hear, I feel I have to say it. SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE. People may call me cold and heartless, but I’m pretty harsh when it comes to people who willingly fling themselves into the abyss of addiction. You’ve tried to help her, and she doesn’t want your help. At the mere possibility of an intervention, this girl threatens to disappear from everyone’s lives, including yours. Um. Duh. SHE’S AN ALCOHOLIC. Sitting around in a room with a bunch of loved ones expressing their concern for you and your wicked ways doesn’t really thrill an alcoholic a hell of a lot. Especially when that alcoholic doesn’t admit that she have a problem and she’s willing to take care of it.
It’s a cliché, but it’s true: THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Doesn’t sound to me like she thinks she has much of a problem at all. Unfortunately, you can’t FORCE her to admit she has a problem. She’ll have to come to that conclusion herself. Interventions, while sometimes successful, often just wind up alienating the alcoholic and pushing them further over the edge. Short of forcibly checking her into a rehab clinic (which we all know worked wonders for Robert Downey, Jr. and a little-known rock guitarist that I’ll call “Kurt”), there’s not much you can do here.
LET IT GO. You have to get on with your life. She may be heading down the path of destruction, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow her. She’ll either reach rock bottom and come to the conclusion that she needs help, or she won’t. It’s entirely out of your hands.
Regina Rouge
Regina, professional ranter and semi-professional raver, admits that she has problems all the time.
Twelve
Dear Ms. Bunting,
My son (32) and daughter (28) and I (55) have not been able to establish a viable relationship.Their mother and I divorced when they were ten and six years old.I did a very bad job of handling the break-up.Because their mother’s justifiable anger with me was so intense, it was easy for me to take the path of least resistance: pay the alimony and child support, and go where the Navy sent me.
When they were 14 and 10, they came to live for a few months with me and my wife, their stepmother.Their awkwardness at trying to re-establish a relationship was made more difficult by the fact that I have an extremely good relationship with my wife, and with her children from her first marriage (these children were eight and six years old when my children visited).My children felt like outsiders in this close family, although I think my wife, her children, and I tried hard to be friendly and welcoming. After my son and daughter returned to live with their mother (who has not remarried), we again lost contact.
Since then, I’ve tried to see them when I visit the state they live in, and our visits have always been at least civil albeit brief.At one point,five years ago, I thought my daughter and I were well on our way to establishing a viable friendship.That subsequently disappeared due to lack of contact.A few years ago, my former wife told me that both children were very strongly desirous of having a close relationship.I discussed this with the two young people on a subsequent visit, and they agreed this was so.We discussed alternative ways to proceed, but we couldn’t find common ground for what the relationship might be.
When one of their grandparents died a couple of years ago, they went with me to the funeral on the other side of the state.On the drive back, I tried to talk with them about family relationships and the fact that I can’t see myself as their “dad.”I am certainly their father, but have not been in an intimate family relationship with them since separating from their mother.The couple of false starts we have tried (such as the extended visit I described above) have just underscored the difficulty of trying to make that work.I don’t have the shared memories and common fabric of interaction to make that relationship possible, and I’m not willing to try to play a role that I don’t feel.I said I’d like to try to be friends, but I’m not sure how.My daughter later said she thought we were on the way to having a useful dialogue during that drive, but said I stopped short of where we could break through and get to the heart of the matter.I had stopped because I thought we had said everything that we had to say that day.
I tried to maintain the progress we had made by writing every week or so, but didn’t get responses.We have fallen back into visiting once or twice a year when I’m in the city they live in.The last time we visited, they both expressed an intense desire to work on this and establish an ongoing relationship.
Subsequently, I’ve proposed coming to their state and spending a day meeting with them so we can try to press through the awkwardness and find some common ground.I have suggested engaging a counselor to help us work on this problem, but my son is very opposed to that.He’s seen several counselors for anger management and other problems (which he, his sister, and I share), and dislikes working with a counselor.We’ve had difficulty coordinating a date, but are looking forward to meeting in several weeks.
This isn’t about money or property.They have never asked for money, although they are both very close to the poverty line.I have helped a little from time to time, as I have heard from their mother that they need help.They have always thanked me, but have never asked for anything but relationship.
Can you suggest how I might proceed in being helpful to them?
Sincerely yours,
Christopher T. Barber
Dear Christopher:
First of all, loosen up!We’re not talking about running a business here; we’re talking about you and your children.
Instead of discussions and proposals and dates for visits (meetings), how about having some fun?I realize your children are grown, and you basically missed sharing their childhood with them, but maybe you can recapture some of that.Go off somewhere together for a few days — play golf, tour museums, see movies, walk on the beach, share a bottle of wine.Surely some common ground will emerge, and you’ll find some basis on which to build a friendship.At the very least, you’ll determine whether you like and respect each other as adults.
Good luck, and have fun!
Mrs. Bunting
Mrs. Bunting, Sars’s mom, likes and respects Sars as an adult — or so she’s been advised to say by counsel.
Eleven
My dear friend from university is getting married in September, and we just received our invitation, which indicates that the dress is “Black Tie
Welcome.” Because we are self-employed and hence can pretty much wear whatever we want whenever we want, we are not so big on dressing up. I don’t own any high-heeled shoes or pantyhose, and not only does my husband not own a dress suit, but he has never worn one in the six years I’ve known him.
My question is, what’s the absolute minimum level of dressiness we can get away with and not look like disrespectful bums? I have never seen my husband in a tie and my mental picture of such a spectacle is, frankly, kind of creepy. Also, I’m not that hot on the idea of our spending hundreds of dollars on outfits that we are guaranteed never to have occasion to wear again.
Be gentle,
Hobo Jo
Dear Jo,
I won’t waste your time assuring you that your friend cares less about seeing you in fancy duds than having you there to witness one of the most important events in his or her life, because you already know that. Right?
You may have other options than spending a couple of hundred dollars. If there are any used or vintage clothing stores, thrift stores, or outlet malls in your area, check them out. There are probably some good deals to be had on perfectly presentable stuff, and you’ve still got over a month to look.
Absolute minimum? Okay. Him: a shirt (preferably not flannel) with buttons down the front and long sleeves, with pants that aren’t jeans. If he absolutely, positively must wear jeans, they should be black. Dark socks. Maybe a nice sweater, either vest, cardigan, or pullover. You: a nice blouse, and either pants that aren’t jeans or a skirt that goes mid-calf or lower. If you don’t have a dress you can wear, that is. You don’t have to wear pantyhose or nylons if you really don’t want to, but they can be cheaply had and are typically only good for a couple of uses anyway, so you can throw them in a Dumpster on the way home and no harm done. No jeans for you, period. Again, sweater optional. Both of you: shoes that aren’t sneakers. You can get away with sandals if they aren’t clunky or utilitarian and your toes are in decent shape, but he can’t. In general, darker is dressier. No fleece, blue denim, visible Lycra, or Zubaz of any kind.
And that’s it. Some of the snootier guests may look askance at you, but who needs them? The bride and groom — the ones who matter, after all — know you well enough to recognize your effort and appreciate it. Especially if you tell them that the money you saved on clothes went towards their wedding gift. I went to a “black tie optional” thing a few years ago. You know who actually showed up in black tie? The wedding party, and me. So unless your friend is getting married in the Kennedy compound, you’ll probably be fine.
I really gotta say, though, I don’t see how you can guarantee never to have occasion to dress up again. What if you want to ask the bank for a loan, or meet with a potential client, or get your picture taken for a greeting card, or go to a nice restaurant? What if you, say, for example, get invited to another wedding? I’m not saying you should fill your closet with high-end threads in a day and age when some people don’t even wear ties to the damn Oscars, but you’ll feel better knowing you both have something nice to wear if an occasion like this arises again. Which, I assure you, it will.
Finally, let us be totally clear that if your husband wears one of those t-shirts with a tuxedo printed on the front, you both deserve whatever happens to you as a result.
M. Giant
Reader-advisor M. Giant has written for several websites, including Hissyfit, All Movie Database, Hungry Publishing, and the official site for the Minneapolis band Krakathoom, of which he is a member. He loathes sycophants. Sars is his hero.
Ten
I recently stood as maid of honor in the wedding of my oldest friend, “Mary.” At the time I was honored to be chosen, but I changed my mind about that pretty quickly.
First off, Mary is a big old freak: pathological lying, an obsessive need to be in control, and neuroticism about trivial details are just a few of her more charming qualities. My friendship with her has been, forthe last five years or so, based more on how much we used to have in common, rather than how much we have in common now. However, every time I’ve tried gently to drift away from her, she just cranks it up a notch and increases the phone calls and requests to get together.
Anyway, I suspected this wedding was going to bring out the worst in her, but I had no idea just how bad it was going to get. My first tip-off was when she got in a huge fight with the best man and uninvited him from the entire wedding, replacing him with another one of her friends (all of the groomsmen were her friends; she hates all of her husband’s friends and has phased them out of his life). Then a bridesmaid got kicked out when she refused to spend $100 getting her make-up done professionally for the wedding. Out-of-town attendants had to fly in four times on their own dime: once for the engagement dinner, two showers a week apart, and the weekend of the actual wedding. The worst was trying to plan the bachelorette party. Mary, who ALWAYS makes the plans, was terrified at the prospect of not having control over something. She changed her mind five times about what was “okay” and “not okay” to do at the party, and then when I had finally solidified plans at a day spa for us, she decided to cancel the whole thing at the very last minute and just have a dinner at her house. Then, when people decided to go home early after the dinner, she complained to me and insinuated that it was my fault the party hadn’t turned out to be more fun. I can’t count the number of times I started to tell her what an inconsiderate shit she was being to everyone involved, that just because we were her attendants didn’t mean we were her slaves, but I forced myself to hold my tongue, thinking that everyone has a right to be a pain in the ass during the planning of their wedding.
The wedding day was possibly the worst day I’ve ever experienced in my life. Mary screamed at everyone: her bridesmaids, her mother, the florist, the rabbi, the temple coordinator. Her bouquet was “horrible,” and she demanded that her father drive to another florist and have a replacement made. The temple employees obviously thought she was insane, and we were all mortified. Any attempts to calm her down were met with, “I’m not going to FUCKING calm down, everything is FUCKING wrong, and it’s not my FUCKING fault.” My nerves were so on edge that I couldn’t even talk to her by the end of the day. If I had, I would have completely blown up at her. But again, I forced myself to keep my cool. I just kept repeating, “Don’t ruin her day. It’s her day.” And somehow, I got through it.
So here’s the problem now. The whole experience taught me that if I never spoke to Mary again, it would be too soon. I could deal with her being bizarre, but watching her for the past year has forced me to learn that it’s more than that — she’s a bad person. She’s selfish, thoughtless, rude, insulting, tacky, and mean. I have no need for a friend like that, and I want more than anything to end it and never see her again.
The problem is, there is no way to do that without waging war on Mary. We share several mutual friends, and if I just stopped speaking to Mary, she would force them all to take sides, and I’m positive that they would take hers, just because they are so afraid of her. Yet there doesn’t seem to be any way of doing this diplomatically — she wouldn’t begin to understand.
What’s my next step here? I would love to tell Mary what a first-class bintI think she is, but I can’t imagine that would solve anything. Can I do this without starting a full scale war and losing my other friends?
Signed,
Livid in Los Angeles
Dear Livid,
Well. You’ve certainly put up with a lot; why, I have no idea. You want to know what your next step is. You can certainly read Mary the riot act (and someone obviously should have long ago — although personally, at this point, I doubt it will effect the desired change in her behaviour). You’ll probably feel somewhat better if you unload the huge burden of resentment you’re carrying around. But it won’t “solve anything,” as you put it. Why? Because believe it or not, Mary’s not the problem here; you are. Oh, she’s a problem, all right; she’s abusive, tyrannical, pathologically self-absorbed and an all-around jackass. But your problem is that you put up with it. You keep hanging out with her, despite weak attempts on your part to “drift away.” You accepted the maid of honour mantle, even though you “suspected this wedding was going to bring out the worst in her.” You bit your tongue while she ripped strips off everyone within a mile radius. You haven’t provided any explanation whatsoever for why you’re even still speaking to this person, much less why you willingly took on the role of punching bag at her wedding, other than what you hint at near the end of your letter: your mutual friends, and your fear of losing them.
Here’s the deal: you need to get Mary out of your life. You already know this; you just need to do it with some conviction. You can do it with a lot of hollering and screaming (thus starting the full-scale war you mention) which will be somewhat cathartic, but ultimately very draining. Or you can do it the slow and agonizing way with liberal use of the word “No.” “No, I can’t come over Friday night.” “No, I will not stay up until 5 a.m. sewing extensions into your hair.” “No, I can’t talk right now.” “No, I can’t drive across town and get some Ben and Jerry’s Rub-a-Dub-Chub ice cream for you.” Don’t apologize and don’t explain. Or, best of all, you can decide not to waste one more precious minute on this sick relationship. Just cut her dead, change your number, and hear about the wailing and gnashing of teeth third-hand from whichever mutual friends care to report it to you. I don’t think there’s any “diplomatic” option here; as you point out, she wouldn’t begin to understand. You can no more “gently drift away” from someone like Mary than you can have a nice picnic near the mouth of a spewing volcano.
Either way, your mutual friends (who seem to be more Mary’s minions than what I would call friends) probably will be pressured by her to take sides. If they side with the psychobitch, out of fear or spinelessness or that for whatever twisted reason, they genuinely prefer her company to yours, you haven’t lost anything. Really. You’ll have to trust me on this. It seems your experiences with Mary have impaired your ability to recognize what constitutes actual friendship, but you don’t have it with her, and if you lose these other jokers in the “divorce,” you didn’t have it with them, either. Surely there are some people in your life not ensnared in Mary’s web of insanity.Start there. Move on. Work on recognizing people who are capable of treating a friend decently, and avoiding the “Marys” of the world. Best of luck.
Bonus sermon: Getting married does not confer upon anyone the right to be a “pain in the ass.” A little stressed out, a little anxious, a tad testy, sure, maybe. Bossy, difficult, bitchy, shrill, rude, inconsiderate, selfish, impossible, and/or sociopathic: no. No exceptions. If you can’t act like a human being, do everybody a favour and elope. And try to be civil to the Elvis impersonator who marries you.
Deborah
Deborah is a full-time freelance writer and editor.When not obsessing about renovating her house/offering unsolicited advice/complaining bitterly/thinking of ways to complicate her life, she can be found blathering enthusiastically about words, books and language at her website Chicklit.
Nine
Hi, I love your columns! All of them are just great. So here’s my problem. I tend to get overinvolved in certain things that I do. Just, like, hobbies, but it manages to get to the point where I’m virtually unable to talk about anything else. My latest craze: “Chicago,” the musical. Absolutely love it. Can’t get enough. I’ve seen it five times so far, between February 25th and July 11th.And yes, it really is that great of a show. I even email back and forth with one of the cast members, newly my favorite singer/actress (I didn’t know of her before the show).
The problem is, I’ve become so involved with this show, and if you sat there and saw it with me, you’d understand why it’s so addicting. Well, I find it hard to talk about anything else. When it comes down to it, it’s a hobby. Something I enjoy doing, I’m not hurting anyone, and no harm is coming of this, except that every couple of weeks I spend a few bucks (twenty, not bad I don’t think) to see it. There are plenty of other things I love doing; I’m in a truckload of after-school activities (sports teams, SADD, debate team, music groups), and I do manage to do other things (volunteering at a hospital), but for some reason I’ve just become addicted to this show. I try my hardest to keep off the topic during conversations, but eventually I’ll run out of things to talk about, especially now over the summer when I don’t see my friends on a daily basis like I would during the school year.
Should I just let this ride out until the show closes (which will probably, unfortunately, be in a year, maybe less), or should I keep trying to separate myself from it? I’ve tried, but then inevitably something will come up where a friend will mention seeing the show and I’ll end up going with them. I honestly see no harm at all in seeing this show, but I’m concerned about my recent lack of conversation topics. Any advice? I’d really appreciate it!
Speechless
Dear Speechless,
Well, I saw “Chicago” in Toronto with Wing Chun, Toque, and her folks and tell me tell you, that was one great musical. FOR ME TO POOP ON.
But let’s stop the feudin’ and the fussin’ about the quality of “Chicago.”Let’s stop, because while I didn’t like “Chicago,” I can certainly understand getting sucked into an engaging work of art and having it sort of define your life, if only for a few months.
I really got hooked on the magic and wonder of German Latex Sex Blitzkrieg Volume 6. Right now I’m typing this letter in a latex studded g-string and dog collar, and someone is beating me with a large black rubbery object straight out of a Japanese hentai video.
I can’t stop talking about German Latex Sex Blitzkrieg Volume 6! If you saw German Latex Sex Blitzkrieg Volume 6, you’d understand. I love German Latex Sex Blitzkrieg Volume 6! I too talk to the wonderful star of my fascination, but damned if it doesn’t cost me 14,000DM a month to do so.
I too find it hard to talk about anything else. For instance, I was at my parents’ house, chatting about my Dad’s latest garage-sale finds, including a crystal bowl and some old Lifebuoy Soap box, and I’m all, “That’s great, Dad, but have you ever seen a 6’4″ rubber nun spread the word of the Lord with a riding crop and an inflatable ball gag?”
I volunteer at the local YMCA, I play soccer and Ultimate Frisbee, and I deliver Meals on Wheels twice a week. But I just can’t stop thinking about German Latex Sex Blitzkrieg Volume 6! I’m addicted, and I’m finding it hard to talk to my friends about anything else. “Hey Joe,” I’d say, “Do you like gas masks and hazmat suits too?”
Well, what does this have to do with your problem? Well, not a lot, except that German Latex Sex Blitzkrieg Volume 6 is way cooler than “Chicago,” and therefore, by extension, I’m way cooler than you.
Glark
Glark says, “Bring up the gimp.”
Eight
Sars,
In one of your essays, you mentioned that you have a very cool, picky grammar book.Does it explain when to use “optimum” and when to use “optimal”?The dictionary seems to claim that they’re interchangeable, but if that were true, we’d only have one or the other.Can you help me out?This was the subject of a 30-minute long-distance telephone call with my best friend, and we are at a loss.I figured you’d be more likely to answer than William Safire.
I’ve read all the Ketchup and am wishing you would write on the site more often, though I understand you’re busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.Thanks!
Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I wish I would write on the site more often too.
“Optimum” vs. “optimal.”Hmm.Well, the Webster’s 9C defines “optimal” as “most desirable or satisfactory: OPTIMUM.””Optimum” has a more finely honed definition: “The amount or degree of something that is most favorable to some end, esp. the most favorable condition for the growth and reproduction of an organism; greatest degree attained or attainable under implied or specified conditions.”So, you might say that “optimal” is the more metaphorical, figurative version of “optimum,” which seems to have accrued a more scientific connotation.
But here’s Bryan Garner with, as is customary, a far more concise breakdown of the difference: “Optimum is the noun, but optimal is — optimally speaking — the better adjective.Hence, the phrase should be optimal advantage, not optimum advantage” (A Dictionary Of Modern Usage, p. 471).
Sars is optimized.
Seven
Sarah –
Love your site, read it religiously, have done so for years.
I am a 19-year-old college student and have been dating my boyfriend (22 years old) for a year and a half and living with him for nearly a year.He is very sweet, liberal-minded, and understanding — beyond what I thought was possible in a guy of his age.The only problem is that his dad is into porn….very into porn.I went to stay with my boyfriend over a holiday while his parents were away, and the bookshelf in their bedroom was stacked from floor to ceiling with various pornography.At first I thought it may just be an academic interest since the themes in his porn seemed to vary so greatly, and, of course, the pornography was in his own bedroom, so who was I to nose around?Until!Until my boy went back home for a weekend and returned with a box of well-thumbed issues of Playboy and Maxim.His father had sent him back to the home that we shared with a box of porno mags.I tried not to be offended, but what could I do?What did this mean?Was I not “woman” enough for his son?Was my man trying to tell me through his DAD that I wasn’t satisfying him?
I have thought this through and through.His father knows how long we’ve been together and that we are now living together, so it is not understandable ignorance of our situation.His father left a note with the porn, so it is not just Boyfriend trying to sneak his private collection into the house.How do I interpret this?Am I completely overreacting?
Offended And Insulted?
Dear O&F,
Key Grip here. And I think I can help.
First of all: “academic interest”? “Themes”? Hee hee.
Second of all, you’re quite right when you say “who was I to nose around?” It’s not really any of your business how much porn your boyfriend’s dad has, but you seem to know that, and that’s not really your question anyway.
Your questions seems to be whether your boyfriend’s dad is sending a message that you’re not sufficient on your own, or whether your bf was sending YOU that message via the dirty mags. I can assure you wholeheartedly that neither is the case.
You see, here’s where, being a guy, I can speak more authoritatively than even Sars. It also gives me a chance to lay to rest a misconception so widespread that it appeared recently on That 70s Show:
Looking at porn has absolutely nothing to do with being dissatisfied with your girlfriend. Nothing. Zero. Nothing at all. The two are not related. There is no connection. Also, they have nothing to do with each other. Neither your man, nor your man’s mom’s man, are attempting to send that message, or any message really, aside from: “Look, son! Porn!”
There’s another issue here, though, that you don’t explicitly (rim shot…um, no pun intended) mention. Which is: if your boyfriend’s porn DOES offend you, or insult you, or if you’re just generally uncomfortable with it, well, that’s the way your feel, and you’re entitled to that. I think it’s silly to be threatened by the magazines, but I think also I’d be uncomfortable, quite frankly, if someone I was dating had a father with a truly massive porn collection…there is something kinda creepy about that.
The bottom line is: “no” to both of your worries, but if it still bugs you, your boyfriend ought to take your feelings seriously, and at the very least let him know to keep the porn out of your face. Unless that’s where you decide you want it.
Good luck,
Key Grip
Key Grip is a playwright.He is also a guy.
Six
Dear Sars,
I’m 16 years old and I like writing very much. But so far, the only things I’ve ever published were in my school newspaper. I like your site a lot and I can tell that writing is something you’ve enjoyed doing for a long time, so I was wondering: did you publish anything when you were a teenager? And if you did, could you give me advice on how I could get started?
Thanks a lot,
Wannabe Writer
Dear Wannabe,
I pretty much started out writing for my school newspaper too — and for the literary magazine.Well, really, I started out with the elaborate storylines involving rafting/catapult rescues that I acted out with my Barbies, but that’s a whole other letter, and it’s one that I should really write to a qualified therapist.
Anyhow.I wrote anything and everything at your age — I wrote poems.I wrote papers, of course, for school.I wrote essays for college applications.I also wrote plays and short stories and endless rants in my diary.Most of that stuff didn’t get published, but some of it did, and really, the important thing at your age — at any age — isn’t so much that you get published; it’s that you love writing and you keep doing as much of it as possible.I know I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating: write as much as you can, in any style that you can, everywhere, all the time.That’s the most helpful thing a writer can do for herself…and like Mr. Blue always says, if you write, you’re a writer.
So, keep writing for the school paper.Write for as many sections as they’ll let you.Get involved with the literary magazine, even if you only help out as an editor at first.Submit stuff to the lit mag whenever the fancy strikes you.
Farther afield, you’ll need some help.Ask your guidance counselor or favorite English teacher about opportunities and contests for high-school writers; they should have a bunch of resources for you — local or state-wide contests you can enter, national resources for young writers, that kind of thing.I entered scads of those things in high school, and did pretty well in them, but I wouldn’t known about them without Dr. Kohn telling me (hi, Dr. Kohn!) and encouraging me to enter.
Beyond that, just keep plugging.
Sars
In high school, Sars once wrote a poem comparing an ex-friend to a grapefruit.It’s pretty clumsily done, but she’s still kind of proud of the metaphor.
Five
Hi Sars,
So, obviously, since I’m writing you, I feel like you might be able to give me some good advice. Because, ya know, you ROCK. Plus, you’re from Jersey, which means you ROCK even more (us Jersey girls gotta stick together).
See, I have this major crush. That’s not the problem, really. The problem is that he’s married. The bigger problem is that I’m married as well. And the biggest problem of all is that this crush is reciprocated.
Well, that’s not really the biggest problem. I’ve gone through this before, and resisted temptation. It’s healthy to lust after people, even if you’re in a committed relationship. It can add spice to things.
Really, the even bigger problem with this crush is that things got a bit out of hand. “MM” and I work together in the same field, although at different locations (thousands of miles apart, luckily, or this could be much worse). We’re in research, and were out on a data collection trip. Things got a bit more friendly than either one of us really intended. I’ve blamed it on tequila, but I suppose I should accept responsibility.
Now, we get to the biggest problem. I can’t stop thinking about him, because the sex was incredible. I love my husband, but the sex is take or leave, really. Part of that may be the fact I’ve been depressed for much of our marriage (not relating to the marriage, though) and uninterested. Now, my drive is back (majorly!), but things just haven’t been rockets, ya know? Except for that one time with MM.
I want to have that incredible feeling with my husband, because in everyway but sex, our marriage is mostly great. Sure, we have our problems, but we can talk them out. But I really need that great sex, too.
This lackluster sack-time isn’t a recent thing, either. It’s been this way the entire time we’ve been together. Just before, I didn’t seem to mind so much because everything else seemed to outweigh it. Now, I don’t know.
Confused And Horny
Dear C & H:
Sars really does rock, doesn’t she?
It sounds to me like the problem is not so much the crush per se, which you correctly note can bring a little spice into your life.However, that theory only works if you enjoy the feelings for what they are and don’t act on them, and you’re finding that out the hard way.
Your letter reads like you’re much more interested in patching things up with your husband than pursuing MM, which I think is wise on your part.Most of a marriage is spent not sleeping with someone, but waking up with him/her, and it’s been my experience that friendship and good communication are much easier to build on than sweaty sheets.If that’s the case, and the only major problem with your marriage is your sex life, a qualified sex therapist should be able to help you work through that with your husband.Ask your doctor (or psychologist, if you have one) for a referral.
That brings me to my other main concern, one which I think is hovering below the surface of your letter: you mention briefly that you’ve been “depressed” for most of your marriage.Depression means something different for everybody, but yours was at least severe and long-term enough to dwindle your sex drive down to nothing for a while.You say your sex drive is back now, so I assume you’ve taken some steps to work through your depression, and I hope you had professional help in doing so.It’s great that you’ve got your sex drive back, but depression is complicated, and so is getting over it.It may be that since your husband was with you through that difficult, libido-free time in your life, you see him as more of a support system than a sex object now and think you have to go elsewhere for your hot lovin’. If you are seeing a counselor or psychotherapist, you might want to explore with him/her what this one-night stand meant for you.
One last thing — you don’t ask about whether you should tell your husband what happened or not, and only you are in a position to gauge whether your marriage could stand such an admission.Consider this, though: sometimes it’s better for all concerned if you keep a secret like this to yourself, but that’s only if you absolutely don’t intend to do it again.
Hope this was helpful, even though it did come out of Wisconsin.
Omega
Omega, one of the TN reader-advisors, likes rainy days and gourmet cheese, which is why she moved to Wisconsin.That, and to get her master’s degree.She is intrigued with this “internet” one hears about these days, and was thinking about getting her own web page until she discovered that www.georgewbush.com was already taken.
Four
Dear Sars,
I love The Vine and Tomato Nation. You give such sage advice.I’m at my wit’s end, and need some advice.
My best friend “Janis” and I moved in September to attend college.At the end of November, “Em” moved in with us.We didn’t know her very well, and really had only been talking to her since the previous March.Well, when she moved in, we failed to lay down any ground rules, thinking that because we all got along so well, everything would work out wonderfully. How wrong we were.
Em is a self-centered prima donna.She rarely lifts a finger around here to do housework.Janis and I came up with a chore list in January to try and get her to help.It didn’t work.When she does anything (maybe once every month or two), she does a little more than “her fair share” and then thinks that she doesn’t have to do more than that for the rest of the month.It seems as though she holds it over our heads.She also has a full-time job, while Janis and I are jobless students carrying a full academic load.She has insinuated in the past (we have tried to talk to her about this before, the effects of which last for a week) that because she works, she shouldn’t have to do as much as us.Her post-work routine consists of sitting on her computer for 3-5 hours, then going to bed.
Janis has now gone to her parents’ house for a few months in order to have surgery, which leaves me alone with Em.One of my biggest pet peeves is that she uses pans and dishes (which are not hers, by the way), and if there is no room in the dishwasher as soon as she is done with them, she lets them sit in the sink until someone runs the dishwasher or washes them for her. One of the pans that is currently in the sink has been there for five days (it is too big to fit in the dishwasher). She’ll put pans in the dishwasher that have crusted food on them, and then Janis or I end up washing them anyway because they don’t come clean.She used all the pans last night for something, and they are all sitting in the sink because there is no room in the dishwasher.
I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after her (even though she swears she is always picking up after Janis and me) and (now that she wants separate spots in the fridge for everyone’s food) her using stuff that Janis and I have bought.Normally I wouldn’t complain about that, but I’m on a very tight budget.I really hate to sound so petty.I’m ready to bite her head off the next time she comes through the door.
I’ve taken up more time than you were probably willing to spare on me.What shall I do? Should I confront her again? Should I bother with only two more months on our lease? If she’s acting like this when Janis comes back, the fur will fly, that’s for sure, and I hate us having to feel uncomfortable in our own place.I don’t know how to get through to her that this behavior has to stop.We now have little bugs flying around from the pans in the sink.As we’re all women in our mid-twenties, it pains me to have problems with such stupid, basic things…help!Does this seem trivial, or do I have a legitimate gripe?
Signed,
Her Highness’s Cleaning Crew
Dear Cleaning Crew,
Fight fire with fire.Fight mess with mess.
Get your duff off the computer, grab that pot from the sink, along with any other items Em is responsible for cleaning, and put them in her bed. It’s obvious she’s never going to clue into subtle hints and polite requests. If she puts it back in the sink, put it in back in her bed.
It’s going to be like The Godfather but with a big slimy pot instead of a bloody horse head.
Make her an offer she can’t refuse.
Glark sleeps with the fishes at Über Interactive.
Three
Dear Sars,
I was mulling over a problem that’s been giving me a lot of grief of late, and lo, the light shone upon me: ask Sars.I appeal to your common sense and social skills, neither of which I possess in any great amount.Apologies in advance for the length of the letter.
I have an online friend whom I’ve known and been close to for six or seven years.A very dear friend, who has been supportive of me through many trials, of whom I have tried to be supportive in turn, and who has for most of our friendship been warm, kind, and generous of heart.The thing is, I’m slowly becoming convinced that he is one of those people with whom life is just too short to deal.
He and I are in very different life circumstances.I am 32, a single mother, just finished my Ph.D last year.He is 24, in his senior year in college, and still lives in his parents’ basement when he isn’t in the dorms.He has never in his life paid a bill, done his own grocery shopping, held down a permanent full-time job, or had a relationship (or even a driver’s license).Now, he’s in kind of a trying period of his life right now: he’s getting ready to graduate with a degree in a field he has no interest in working in, and he’s facing moving out on his own and fending for himself for the first time. I can understand that this is a stressful time for him, and I totally sympathize.
The problem is that for the last year or so he’s been turning into this rigid, intolerant, bellicose person with an ego and a sense of entitlement that if displayed by Satan in Hell would cause demons throughout the Circles to click their tongues in disapproval and quiet reproof.It’s like he’s regressed to being a spoiled, selfish 14-year-old boy.I can’t disagree with him on any topic, because his ego is so vested in being The Person Who Is Right And Knows The Most that he responds to any disagreement as if it were a personal attack.People who disagree with him are not only wrong and ignorant but morally suspect as well — which is problematic, because he and I disagree on many things.
His conversation has become a series of variations on the theme of “me, how I am a misunderstood genius surrounded by mouth-breathing morons who would never understand anything if I didn’t explain it to them.”He literally seems to have lost the ability to see any perspective other than his own, or even to understand that other perspectives exist; I cannot begin to tell you how all about him everything is.Well, I could, and examples unfold whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, but this letter is long enough already.
He never used to be this bitter and hostile.He’s always been a little rigid but he used to be a much nicer, more amiable person, one who was capable of having discussions and even debates without drama and injured feelings.Like I said, I understand that his life is difficult right now, and I can hardly say, “Look, I don’t like the person you’re turning into, can you go back and start over again?”But God, I just don’t know how many more choruses of the Song of Me I can take, and I have surely had my fill of hearing how much smarter and more talented he is than pretty much everyone else in the universe. (He actually told me once, “I have SO much knowledge that it’s just, like, leaking out my ears!”He is indeed knowledgeable about many things, but come on.)
Help me.I used to have this wonderful friend and now he’s gone, and in his place is this egomaniacal jerk.I tell him as nicely as possible when he does something that bothers me (and bluntly when niceness repeatedly fails to get the message across), he apologizes, and proceeds to do the same thing over again.Am I the one who’s being unreasonable here?Should I be more patient with his current life-circumstance upheaval?What can I do to get back the kind of friendly discourse that we used to have?Can this friendship be saved?
Missing My Friend
Dear Missing,
Can this friendship be saved?I guess so.But why in the name of President Intolerable Bastard would you want it to be?Yes, he’s a friend, and on the one hand, six years is a really long time.But you seem so fed up with his behavior that you’re unable to even detail it beyond reiterating how unceasingly intolerable said behavior is.So, on the other hand, six years is a really long time.
I mean, I could blah blah blah for three hours about “thick and thin” and “friends 4Eva,” but on a fundamental level, this whole change-of-life-panic thing isn’t that credible a defense for turning into a self-important child.Granted, transitions of this kind can be really scary, and if I were the first person in history to graduate from college and go out into the world on my own, I’d probably think it was a pretty impossible feat, too.But hundreds of trillions of people every single day graduate from college or move to another city or go broke or get divorced or lose a limb or watch a loved one die.Yes, it’s unnecessarily grave, but look at it this way: The interesting story here isn’t the bratty college grad, sulking that the world owes him something it doesn’t.What I want to hear is the story of the single mother who found the time to become a doctor and remain so even-tempered all the while that she shrewdly deduced she was being taken advantage of emotionally.If your friend is experiencing such intense mental strain brought about by writing a résumé and looking for an entry-level job, he’s got a world of pain waiting for him on the other side, and he’s going to need a lot more than his opinions and his id to get him through it.You said it yourself in your letter: “He’s in kind of a trying period of his life right now.”That’s right.He is.Kind of.
It also sounds like you’re making concessions to him and his stunted maturity because he’s younger than you are, which deprives the friendship of a totally even keel from the start.He’s obviously gotten it into his mind that he’s allowed to act like your petulant kid brother, sitting too close to you in the back of the car, poking you repeatedly on the family trip to Florida.And for a twenty-four-year-old never to have paid a bill or held down a job, it sounds like this pattern of shirking traditionally “adult” responsibilities predates your involvement in his life by a long, long, long time.I mean, c’mon.Twenty-four?That’s, like, old already.
But if you’re truly invested in keeping this guy as a friend — not to mention prepared for the disappointing reality that some people’s worldviews just evolve them into assholes when they start to get older — confrontation might be your only real recourse (though you did mention you met him “online,” so you could always shoot him a decidedly non-confrontational email).Give him the ultimatum that you can keep him on as a project for just so much longer, and maybe he’ll stop being so self-obsessed and actually notice that one of his best friends is all but gone.Maybe his attitude will improve once he starts to settle into his new skin, but considering his absence of personal responsibility throughout the first quarter century of his life, I’m guessing this evolution out of angry-young-manhood will take quite a bit longer than you need to see.
Other than that: sister, save yourself first and your friendship later.
Djb
Djb contributed to the Vine once before, and it was the happiest day of his life.
Two
Dear Sars,
I have a friend who got married three years ago.He and his wife separated a year later, and he was devastated.However, within five months he found the new love of his life, and within another five months they were engaged. The problem is that whenever he and his new woman are together, they constantly paw and nuzzle each other.It annoys our entire group of friends, yet none of us will say anything for fear of hurting his feelings.How do you suggest we deal with these obnoxious public displays of affections?
Miss Anti-PDA
Dear Miss A:
Ew, gross. I mean, uh…”good for your friend!” Wait — no, I was right the first time. Gross.
I don’t think this is a major issue about which you or your group of friends would need to have a full-scale intervention or anything; the idea that one should molest one’s partner in private is, I believe, gaining currency in our day, and there are many benign yet pointed things you could say to give MackMillan and Wife the hint that they should knock it off. Some examples:
1. You’re eating. Martin Nuzzlewit’s hand starts creeping up his fiancée’s thigh. You: “Dude. I’m eating.”
2. You’re standing in line at the movies. Jude Paw starts giving his fiancée a hickey. You: “You guys are aware that it’s not that kind of movie, right? I just wouldn’t want you to be disappointed.”
3. You’re playing Pictionary. You’re trying to guess the answer when your view of the drawing is obstructed by Mack Davis’s enthusiastic inspection of his fiancée’s bosom. You: “Folks, it’s hard for me to play this game with Mack’s giant boner in my way.”
Obviously you can tailor these to your friends’ sensibilities, but you get my drift. Your friend will probably respond in one of the following ways:
1. Take the hint and start making their DAs somewhat less P.
2. Sort of take the hint by taking you aside and asking whether you have a problem with the groping, in which case you can say something to the effect of, “While I’m very happy that you and your fiancée are so into each other, yeah, I do sometimes feel uncomfortable when you two make out in front of me. I would be grateful if you could physically express your love with a bit less vehemence when I’m around.”
3. Not take the hint at all, in which case you could decide whether it bothers you enough to take him aside and say something to the effect of your hypothetical answer above.
Like I said, it’s not a big deal, and if it does get to a point where you have to tell him, straight up and down, that you’d rather they keep their love behind closed doors, I think that he will respect your right not to have to watch him suck on his fiancée’s tonsils. Good luck!
Yours,
Wing Chun
Wing Chun does not engage in PDAs and finds her husband to be somewhat icky. She also bosses people around at Hissyfit, Fametracker, and Mighty Big TV.
One
Dear Sarah,
I’m thinking of doing something I don’t really want to do, out of obligation, and I basically need your clear-eyed, hard-as-nails outsider’s perspective to point out to me why I shouldn’t.
A friend of mine lost his job recently and I got him some temporary work (that could turn permanent if he did well) in my office as an admin assistant. At first he was really keen but after a few weeks he started slacking off — coming in late, making sloppy mistakes…basically, phoning it in. It was really fun to have him in the office so that we could go for lunch and shoot the shit, but as time went on it seemed like he really didn’t care much about the job (which I understand; I know he didn’t intend for it to be his life’s work or anything). I spoke to him a few times, telling him where he’d messed up and that, if it continued, I’d have to let him go. He was sort of contrite about it but I don’t think he ever really believed I’d fire him because of our friendship. Plus I didn’t want to go too hard on him, because I know part of the reason his heart wasn’t really in the admin stuff was that he was depressed about having lost the job he loved and that he sort of despaired that he’d find another job he liked as much; you know, because of our relationship I knew what was going on with him more than I would if he were a stranger, so I went easy on him because of that.
I’m sure you can see where this is going: I had to let him go. Despite all the talks we’d had about his job performance, he was totally shocked (or acted like he was). I haven’t really talked to him much since then because it’s kind of awkward, as I’m sure you can appreciate. And the thing is, I feel like I should try to keep up our friendship even though I’m getting no indication from him that he wants to…but I kind of don’t want to either. Much as I’m sure he feels like I screwed him over by hiring and then firing him, and sympathetic though I am to the personal problems he’s been having generally even before all this job stuff came up, it was sort of a drag to hang out with him. On the other hand, we have many friends in common and if we “broke up,” as it were, there would be a lot of fallout as a result.
My question is this: how much of an effort should I make to keep up our friendship, given that it’s possible there would be no (or a lot less) tension between us if it weren’t for the fact that a work relationship interfered with our friendship? Should I just consider this to be a natural ending to our friendship and not fight it as we drift apart? Or, because I made the last move against him, is the onus on me to take a positive step toward reconciliation? Basically, what is my responsibility, here?
Thanks for your advice,
Ebenezer Scrooge
Hey Scrooge,
So you tried to mix biz and charity — tough project that rarely works.Also, how do we figure “fun to have him in the office” vs. “a drag to hang out with him”?I can’t believe there would be any consequences among your friends, and if his version of what went wrong (you screwed him over) gains currency, you don’t need that kind of friendship.However, time heals…et cetera and you might consider trying one time (after a suitable interval) to smooth things over.Frankly, your lack of enthusiasm for this guy and the whole situation suggests Plan B — just move on without making any effort to revisit the scene of the accident.And forget the “employer of last resort” routine in the future; there’s a real gulf between pal and employee.
“Cratchit”
Cratchit, a.k.a. Sarah’s dad, enjoys golf, the History Channel, and observing the speed limit.
24-in-24 Info
WHAT
My fourteen guest advisors — friends, family, Web luminaries — and I will answer 24 of your letters in a one-day period.That’s a Vine every hour!Of course, they might not go up on the hour every time, because I’ll have to sleep eventually, but I’ll get all 24 up there, by gum.
WHY
Excellent question.Why not?Also, I’ve got a big old backlog of letters — thus the supernova of bossiness.
WHEN
Letters will begin going up on Friday, July 20th at about 4 pm.We won’t stop till we’ve got 24.Keep checking back right here all night and all day Saturday for more advisory fun times.
WHO
Advisors as of this writing include:
Deborah
Djb
Glark
Gustave
Key Grip
Kim
Regina Rouge
Wing Chun
My parents.No, seriously.No. Seriously.
…and we’ve also got bstewart, the TN reader-advisors, and a possible special guest!
Keep those letters coming…
