Forty-Eight

 

Dear Sars,

I’m one of those girls who always thinks guys are not interested. It’s a baffling self-esteem problem, because it probably shouldn’t exist — I’m not model material, but I’m relatively bright and attractive, and make friends pretty easily. But when it comes to men, I’m woefully unable to flirt unless I know them so well that dating would be incest. I typically just assume they aren’t interested, and that I’m just misreading signs if they act like they are (which feeds said self-esteem problem; I recognize the vicious cycle element).

Unfortunately, that means I often find myself looking back on situations and wondering what would have happened had I actually indicated interest in a particular crush — if maybe his lack of interest was spawned from my apparent lack of interest, because I was too scared to act otherwise.

This is all relevant because right now, the best guy I’ve ever met — the one towards whom I feel the most attracted, and with whom I’m the most compatible — lives across the hall from me in a grad student dorm, and is a very close friend. The problem is that I’ve had a desperate crush on him for about five months, and can’t bring myself to act on it. And even worse, because I’m so scared to indicate how I feel, I keep fucking up by making it overtly clear that I consider us just friends, because I’m scared to act otherwise. And I think I’m probably rudely overt about it unintentionally (i.e. telling him one night that I want to find a guy just like him, but who isn’t him). He constantly talks about how I must attract guys without any problem, and always compliments me when we’re out in groups — sometimes even seeking me out in a bar to tell me that I look beautiful or sexy or whatever adjective he chooses to use. But I’m pretty sure he’s just being a good friend.

The problem is compounded by the fact that he now has a girlfriend — a serious one (as serious as one can be after three months) — who is truly bland. He began dating his current girlfriend after he and I had become good friends; in fact I was first introduced to her as — jokingly — the girl he was wanted one day to marry. But he told me before Christmas, when he and I went to dinner together, that the girlfriend wouldn’t care that he and I were out together because she trusted me. I told him that I believed I was a bit offended by that, for obvious reasons.

So here’s my question: What’s a good way to let a guy friend know that you are interested in him as a man without coming out and saying it? I know that honesty is the best policy, but that is not an option. He and I have too many friends in common, and while most of those friends would side with me in case of a disruption in his and my relationship, I would rather not create such a situation. I want him to know that I’m open to more, without making it so overt that he has to openly reject me if he isn’t interested. Yup. And to be perfectly frank, I could not care less about the fact that he has a girlfriend, except in that it probably indicates that if he has feelings for me, they aren’t significant enough to act on. Which is a problem, indeed. But what do you suggest?

Thanks so much,

Lily Newbold

 

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Dear Lily,

First of all, honesty is the best policy, and your excuse in re: your friends is ridiculous. If you think it isn’t obvious to them that you sweat the guy, think again — you think you keep it under the radar, but you don’t. Want to know how I know that? Because the guy HIT ON YOU REPEATEDLY, thinking you’d respond, and you froze up and blew it off.

So, you should have just gone with the flow — responded in kind, told him you liked him, asked him out on a date or for coffee or whatever. But you didn’t, and that leads me to my next point, namely that you missed your chance. He tried to flirt, you wouldn’t have it, and he found a girl who actually showed an interest in him. Trying to let him know, overtly or otherwise, that now you want him? It’s pretty tacky, and it’s going to make you look stupid, especially since you waited until he got a girlfriend to try to sink your claws in.

Go to a counselor and figure out why you pull this ice-queen routine on guys and assume they won’t like you That Way. Write about it in your journal and try to find out what’s behind it. But leave this guy alone. You had your chance, you wimped out, it’s gone, and you have to live with it and try to learn from it so you don’t screw yourself out of similar chances in the future.

That ship sailed. Wave goodbye and get off the beach.

Sars once heard her dad say that it’s better to regret doing something than to regret doing nothing. The letter above? Case in point. And that’s it for us here at World Vine Headquarters, ladies and gentlemen.

 

Forty-Seven

 

Hey Sars.

I’m seeking some help through the wonderfully anonymous internet.

While growing up, my sister and I were never really that close. Lots of
stupid bickering and whatnot. Well, when we both went to college, in
different states, we did end up getting along really well, and were talking
almost every day. Actually, we ended up as each other’s best friends, which
was great. But then it seemed like the only time she wanted to talk to me
was to borrow some money, or complain about her financial situation. (That
started a few years ago, when she begged me to loan her a large sum of
money, but refused to tell me what if was for. I was in high school and
only working part-time.)

Anyway, one day she just dropped this huge bomb on me, confiding in me about
all of this crap that happened to her throughout her life. Basically,
anything bad that can happen to someone all happened to her. Of course,
this was like a big kick in the gut for me, and I never felt more horrible
about anything. She also mentioned that the money borrowed from me before
was for an abortion. We were all raised very much pro-life. Now, I believe
that all women have the right to choose, but I had always hoped that if
someone in my family were in that situation, they would have chosen — well,
the other way to go. I’m not trying to be hypocritical; that’s just what I
would have hoped for.

Anyway, as me and my sister grew closer, she also grew farther from my
parents. They disagreed with each other on everything. I’d have to side
with my parents, though. She has creditors calling every day, she’s in debt
up to her ass, and she keeps spending money on stuff she doesn’t need, or
can’t afford. And it’s usually not for her. (She had this boyfriend she
helped support, but that’s a whole other story.) She also wants to live off
my parents, but wouldn’t listen to a few basic and reasonable rules.
Anyway, it basically got to the point where some pretty ugly things were
said by both my sister and parents, and they have a pretty terrible
relationship, which really kills me.

She’s out of work, lives carelessly, and comes to me for help. What do I
do? I mean, isn’t helping out in times of need what being a sister is all
about? Plus, she had all this crap happen to her, and by comparison, I’ve
had a pretty worry-free life. But I do have my own life. On the other
hand, she is the least responsible person I know. Should I try to make her
straighten up, and cut off all help? I’m afraid that would pretty much end
communication between us, since she only comes to me for help now. And I’m
sure she’d feel rejected. I know she’s depressed and in a really hard time
in her life now. Family is really important to me, and I’m confused as all
hell here.

Sister Mary Clarence

P.S. Your cousin, Paul? Rowr!

 

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Dear M.C.,

Hee. I’ll take your word for it; that’s my cousin, man.

Look, your sister has to sort her shit out her own way, and as I’ve said before, when it comes to how our family members live their lives, we have to separate loving them from loving the things they sometimes do. You don’t agree with your sister’s choice to have an abortion, and that’s fine; you don’t think she should behave quite so spendthriftily, and that’s fine too. You don’t have to like everything she does just ’cause you’re sisters.

But how do you love and support her if you kind of think she’s a fuck-up, you ask? Well, you just do. You love her. You come through for her if she really needs you to. You let her know that’s how it is, and you do it.

But you do have to learn to separate emotional support from financial support. Cutting her off to teach her a lesson? She’s not six years old; that won’t work. Either give her the money or don’t, but don’t turn it into regional theater. If you can’t manage a “loan” (and you should stay aware through all of this that any money you give her, you’ll never see again), tell her so. If she wants to make a big deal out of that, that’s her affair. If you do want to lend her the money, do it, but don’t tie it into some sort of better behavior on your part that you feel you’ve “bought,” with the loan, because she’ll just disappoint you.

The most important thing, though, is to try to keep love and money straight in your head. I know it’s tough when it comes to family, but they aren’t the same, and you shouldn’t let your sister try to tell you they are.

Sars and money — gettin’ ALL mixed up!

 

Forty-Six

 

Sars,

I got over a three-year relationship. It wasn’t a good one. He cheated on me
a lot, left to go to college about five hours away, and then dumped me after so
thoughtfully explaining that he lived in a co-ed dorm and that it would be a
lot easier for him to find happiness without me. Basically, the guy was a
fucking tool.

Now, around six months later, I started dating a good friend of
mine who’s honest, loyal, and always makes me laugh, but a lot of my friends
hate him. This is why: He’s kinda quiet and pretty timid around them, so he
tries his hardest to make himself a part of the conversation by cracking
jokes (which are HARMLESS, by the way) or making a remark every once in a
while. Still, my sister says she finds him annoying and she says, “I hate
him.” My friends say, “If he treats you right, then it’s fine but there’s
just something about him I don’t like.”

What do I do? I really need for my
sister to like him. Wanna know the sad part? They all loved my ex.

Looks Like I’m Screwed

 

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Dear Screwed —

Frankly, I don’t like this new guy either.

Kidding. Listen, do your friends know about the crappy way your ex treated
you? Because they should. If they can’t support your decision to date
someone you can actually trust, someone who cares enough to make an effort
to get along with your social circle — well, do I really have to say it?

If the guy is worth it, and you’re going to get serious with him, your
friends and sister are going to have to accept it. That’s not your problem. It’s theirs. Unfortunately, they didn’t write to the Vine. You did. So
here’s what you do.

First, suggest nicely to the boyfriend that he dial it down a little when
he’s with the group. Your friends can sense his desperation, and that may
well be what turns them off about him. Also, the fact that you go out of
your way to say his little japes are harmless kind of raises a red flag;
they might sound harmless if they came from you, but even the gentlest barb
may be unwelcome from someone they haven’t accepted yet. So there’s that.
Just encourage him to be himself.

Second, tell your friends why the boyfriend acts the way he does around
them. Tell them what you told me. If they have a shred of decency, they’ll
cut him a little slack once in a while, the boyfriend will relax further,
and the cycle of love will commence. Well, maybe not, but it’s worth a
shot.

As for your sister, you may really want her to like your boyfriend,
but you don’t need her to. Unless you’re willing to give her power
of attorney over whom you date, which is what you’d be conceding if you
decide that her approval is more important than your happiness.

Bottom line? They can accept him or not. If not, they can keep it to
themselves.

M. Giant doesn’t care if you like his weblog Velcrometer or
not.

 

Forty-Five

 

Dear Sars,

You give such thoughtful advice that I thought I would write to you
about my problem. I guess my problem basically boils down to the fact that I want more sex and my husband wants less.

I never dreamed that I would find myself in this situation. In my twenties, I had several long-term relationships in which sex played a significant role. We drank, had
sex, had fun, and if one of us was going to say no, it was usually me. I
then met a wonderful older man when I was 29 years old, and we had a
relationship for three years. He was a wonderful lover, and he taught me to
feel really comfortable about my body and my sexuality. We usually made
love four to six times a week and it never felt excessive. It was just part of
our evening and a wonderful way to fall asleep. Our relationship
ended because we found ourselves wanting very different things from life,
and we parted friends. I then met my husband.

I love my husband dearly; he makes me laugh, he’s smart, he’s kind, and I
adore him. We married after one year together, and although the sex had
been great, it suddenly slowed and almost stopped. After a year of
marriage, I finally confronted my husband and asked him why our sex life had changed so much. He looked devastated and stated that he did not think that there was anything wrong with our sex life (three to five times a month), that this was normal for any sexual relationship (not in my experience), and that we shouldn’t have sex too much because then it would lose its “special quality” and become “mechanical” (again, not in my
experience). Out of respect for his feelings, I couldn’t very well explain
what I had learned in previous sexual relationships (a sensitive point for
him, to say the least) so I ended up feeling like a heel for having
brought the topic up for discussion.

Nothing changed, and I found the
courage to try to discuss it three more times over a four-month
period. Each conversation ended with my husband making a statement like “I guess you married a dud,” followed by awkward silence. I always ended up feeling awful for having tried to discuss it.

Am I too demanding? Is sex once a week just fine for the average
person? My husband and I do not have children; we both work at jobs that
are nine to five, and we do not work long hours. We have the time and
energy to enjoy each other more than we do, but we don’t. This lack of
intimacy has really shaken my confidence. I worry that he doesn’t find me
attractive or that I am not a good lover. I find that not having sex
regularly makes me feel awkward and self-conscious when we do. I now find myself feeling resentful and angry when he does initiate sex. This is not good. I can’t really talk about it with my friends, because most of them
have young children and are glad if they have sex once a month, let alone
once a week. Can you help me put this problem in perspective?

L.

 

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Dear L.,

Whoa. I think in order to really work this out, you and your husband need to find yourselves sitting on the couch of a certified marriage counselor sometime soon. Sars’s couch is covered in cat hair, and all I have is a crappy futon. Neither one of us has any of those lovely, affirming “couples therapy” videos with the nice naked people in them to lend you. But I’ll offer whatever insight I can.

First of all: let’s just trash the idea that there’s a “normal” standard for the frequency of sex in a marriage. Don’t let him pull that “normal” shit on you, and don’t pull it on him.

Second, is he at all aware that the lack of action makes you worry that you’re not attractive or good in bed? He needs to know that this is not just about him failing to deliver the goods; it’s about how you’re feeling, too. It’s clear he doesn’t have the best self-confidence if he calls himself “a dud,” but also, you need to figure out what’s up with your own feelings of worth. Since sex played a big part in your past relationships, you might want to consider whether it was an important source for affection and communication (i.e. “things are going great, and I love you, and you’re hot”) with those guys. And when your history also includes a relationship that was strong and provided plenty o’ booty — as you did with the older man you mentioned — it’s hard not to associate sex with All Things Good About A Relationship. Which is not to say that you’re in any way twisted for wanting more sex; it’s just that sex is a particularly charged aspect for you.

It’s harder to guess, from your letter, what’s behind your husband’s attitudes about sex. Maybe his thing about sex becoming “too mechanical” comes from worrying about the whole routine nature of marriage. Maybe he has performance anxiety. Maybe he doesn’t realize that the great sex you’d had together at first was probably one of the reasons why you felt you could spend the rest of your life with him. Or maybe he does, and for some reason he’s really conflicted about it. Maybe he’s on some kind of medication. Maybe he’s John Ashcroft. But I’m just tossing out theories, which is all I can do from here.

But, since you asked, here’s some perspective: He needs help with his confidence, and, to some extent, so do you. Sex is a big deal for you, and if he’s intimidated by your sexual background and won’t discuss your sex life together, it’s a big deal for him, too. Fundamentally, you two have the same issues — major ones — and if he can understand that, and see that they put you at odds with one another, perhaps he’ll agree to counselling. It’s not a matter of normal-versus-nympho or stud-versus-dud; it’s about what each of you have brought to the marriage, and you owe it to your marriage to figure this stuff out. Good luck.

Wendola may have been lying about the part with the video.

 

Forty-Four

 

This guy. O. Met him a few years ago in uni. Became best friends (and I mean best friends. I told him all. He told me all. We fell asleep in each other’s arms). I fell in love with him. I told him and got the “I love you, but not that way” speech. I suffered for two years. It was sad. I had it bad. Enter appropriate Dr. Seuss sentence that ends with “mad.” For those two years, we went on being best friends. He went through a couple of girlfriends. I went through hell. Still told each other everything. Still fell asleep in each other’s arms. I comforted him through a few heartaches. Tried to be there for him in true “best friend” capacity. Ignored my own misery. Cried a small ocean. Fine.

Fast-forward to the past ten months. I am better. I still have feelings for him (duh!), but they’ve changed. No more burning passion, no more sleepless nights. Dating. Having sex. It’s the New Me.

All this, mind you, is in the nature of some background, because on the unrequited love front, I’m doing quite well (i.e. requiting myself elsewhere). The problem is that O. has just broken up with his latest, and is now miserable. He’s the wallowing kind — all is Doom and Gloom — and he’s shut himself off from me. No more Best Friends. No more telling me everything. No more physical contact (I’m an incredibly tactile person. I need to touch and be touched. Physical distance hurts me). He’s miserable because what’s-her-face dumped him, he won’t talk to me about it, when I try to reach out to him he gets all sarcastic and snarky and mean…and when I call him out on that, he’s all, “I’m miserable now, I have a right to be snarky, I don’t have time to deal with the way other people feel at the moment.” And I’m all, “Hey! For two years I was in agony over you, and put that aside so talk about your life, and your problems, and your flavor of the week!”

And I’m not asking him to ask me about my life (and yes, I have problems of my own: assorted romantic issues, work things, university problems, SURGERY I WENT THROUGH WHICH HE DID NOT TAKE ANY INTEREST IN); I’m just asking him to moderate his reactions so he won’t hurt others (case in point: I inadvertantly did something that reminded him of the Ex — and instantly got a phone call that forbade me to ever do it again, using the most poisonous tone I have ever heard from his lips. I’m talking the kind of tone I wouldn’t expect from the repo man).

He says he doesn’t ask much from me — just to tolerate him in his misery. I say maybe it’s true that he doesn’t ask much, but I try to give more — ’cause that’s what being friends is all about: giving. And I get the feeling that he isn’t giving me anything in return (never mind what I ask for…I get the feeling that I get nothing from him on any front). I’d say he misses being the center of my attention, but…I still give him a lot of attention. He’s one of the most important people in my life. I have told him over and over again that no matter how I do or do not feel about him romantically, I love and care for him as a person, and will always be there for him, come hell or high water.

So my question is this: Is O. right? Am I judging him by different criteria because of our sordid history? Do I demand too much? Am I wrong in expecting something from him? Should I just accept his friendship for what he’s willing to give? Do I really not have the right to ask anything from him at the moment? ‘Cause I’m usually very tolerant and accepting of friends’ foibles and eccentricities — hey, they put up with me — so should I just suffer through his depression and then…what? Is there a legal limit on the number of question marks allowed in one paragraph?

Feels Like An Episode Of Passions

 

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Oh, Feels…

Read what you wrote. You said, “I get the feeling that I get nothing from him on any front.”

Pretty clear, huh?

“But it’s not like that. It’s more complicated,” you’re yelling at the screen.

Well, yes. But also, no. It isn’t.

Friendships, like most relationships in this here life, are almost never even. (If you find a friendship that is, hold on and don’t let go. For real.) Remember, we are still mammals, and as such, someone is almost always the Alpha in a friendship. Sure, it can change. The who-calls-who dynamic goes through ebbs and flows like anything. Someone may suddenly be doing great in their career, and that can change dynamics a bit. Someone may get married, and that can change things. But generally speaking, friendships are set early on, and they will play out like that (with some variations) for the rest of their shelf-life.

What we, then, have to figure out, is: “Can I live with the power balance in this friendship?” And often we can. Often it’s fine that there is a friend who rarely comes to your house, while you always go to theirs. Often it’s all right that we always have to email first before getting a response. We put up with uneven dynamics because, somewhere inside of us, we have done the calculations, added it up on our mental scratch paper, and figured out that the Sum Result of this friendship — the rewards we get out of relationships, subtracted by what we put in — is a Positive Number.

Now look at your friendship. You loved the guy for years without him returning the favor. You’re always there for him. He’s never there for you (through surgery, no less). And then to top it off, when he’s down and you let him know you’re there to support him, he SCOLDS you for getting on his case!

You claim the crush is over, but really ask yourself, if he came to you tomorrow, saying, “I just realized I love you and want to be with you,” would you do it? If the answer is Yes, then you’re not really over him. And also then realize this: He’s Never Going To Do That.

Look. He doesn’t deserve your friendship. It’s hard to cut yourself off from him, but you have to at least do some serious weaning, because it’s obviously causing you grief, it could potentially damage future real, reciprocal love relationships, and also, it can’t be good for your self-esteem. It just can’t.

Oh, I just realized one last big part of the problem. You have forgotten one simple truth, that if you just remember it can save you so much heartbreak in this world.

Ready?

Tattoo it on your forehead. And then go find a dude who sees the tattoo and goes, “Yes! That’s so true. Hey, you’re cute.” Then go out with him. He’s probably a lot better for you than your “friend.”

Good luck.

Stee is an actor and screenwriter working in Hollywood. You can read more of and about Stee here.

 

Forty-Three

 

Dear Sars:

I am a writer. I know, I know, everybody says they’re a writer. But I’d like to think I’m a relatively good one. I think I’m good enough to start a career in freelancing, but I just don’t know how to go about doing that. I currently have both a full-time job as an administrative assistant in a real estate company, and a night job at a video store (both to pay off my credit cards and because I get to rent three free movies a day. What a deal!).

Anyway, I had some things published in the local newspaper when I was in high school and while they’re not all together horrible, that was seven years ago and I’d like to think I’ve gotten better since then.

What steps would I take to start getting some jobs, start writing, and start building a portfolio? I do not mind working hard and I can deal with myriad rejections, which I know is a way of life for writers. I just don’t know where to begin.

I have no college degree and no formal training as a writer. I do write, edit, and publish a newsletter for the company I work for. It’s not a very good newsletter, but believe me when I tell you, I have tried to make it slightly less pathetically boring than it is and am met with the most stringent of refusals from my boss.

Any advice, assistance, and strategy you could give would be most appreciated. Thank you!

Sincerely,

JaggedRaven

 

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Dear JaggedRaven:

Congratulations: If you are a half-decent writer, and you truly can take a lot of rejection, you’re already way ahead of the game! Rejection is one of the hardest things about writing, whether it’s pursued as a hobby or a career. It’s what keeps so many people from even trying to get published. It’s difficult and demoralizing to pour yourself into a piece, only to be told, “This doesn’t fit our current needs.” Or worse, to be ignored altogether.

With both a full-time and a part-time job, you’re going to have to make an extra effort to carve out time to work at developing a freelance career. No matter how talented you are, I wouldn’t advise quitting your jobs and jumping into freelancing with both feet — it takes time to establish contacts, regular gigs, and enough work to create some kind of meaningful cash flow.

And generally speaking, the pay for writing sucks. Even when it pays well compared to other writing, it doesn’t necessarily compare all that favourably to other lucrative jobs, such as running a hot dog vending cart. Certain types of writing pay better than others, to be sure, but on the whole, it’s not a way to get rich. For every Stephen King or Margaret Atwood, there are probably a thousand people grateful to get an unpaid-for poem published in a little journal somewhere. Many, perhaps even most, writers supplement their income with other work: teaching, public speaking, editing, and proofreading are some of the fields writers typically turn to, but lots of writers are doing anything from medicine to ditch digging to pay the bills, and writing in their free time.

For example, to supplement my writing income, I write professional résumés, create newsletters and brochures for small businesses, write and edit text for websites, et cetera. It’s not as much fun as writing TWoP recaps or throwing Hissyfits or guest-answering a Vine question, but it has its own rewards. Maybe once your credit card bills are under control, you can drop your part-time job and spend more time on writing. For now, do what you can. Brainstorm ways to include writing in your current work: okay, your day job boss sucks, but maybe the video store would let you distribute a little newsletter with funny capsule reviews of videos, or something like that.

I think it would be useful to try to hone in on what kind of writing you want to do (screenplays, poetry, novels, essays, journalism, children’s books, et cetera). You haven’t said what you want to write, so it’s hard to say whether or not you need a degree or formal training to do what you want — if you want to be a journalist or a technical writer, for example, the answer’s probably yes; if you want to be a novelist or a poet, you may be able to get by without further formal education (but don’t rule out the idea that courses, seminars, and workshops may be enormously helpful in developing your talent, and could also lead to meeting people who can encourage and guide you along the road to publication).

Whatever type of writing you want to do, a copy of the 2003 Writer’s Market is probably essential. Read all the articles and advice at the beginning, and peruse the listings thoroughly before starting to fire things off. When you think you’ve found what you’re looking for, study the heck out of the listings, and do some additional research (look up the publisher’s backlist online, buy and study the magazine, whatever). The biggest waste of time and energy is sending work to markets that can’t or won’t use your writing for reasons you could have discovered with a little bit of research.

The most important thing to do is start submitting pieces somewhere. And while you’re not worried about rejection, you might not want to start with The New Yorker. It’s great to aim high, but the high-profile and well-paying markets are generally extremely competitive and difficult to break into. Don’t limit yourself to print: the explosion of web publishing and the demand for content means that you should be able to find a website that can use some of your writing. (Consider creating a site of your own — I did. I hardly ever reject myself.) The extreme decline in online advertising revenue means you’d be lucky to get paid anything at all, but try not to worry too much at first about the money; concentrate instead on building up writing credits and getting exposure. Strongly consider keeping an online journal or a weblog — hundreds of thousands of people are using this medium to create an online presence for their writing, build up a body of work, and develop some kind of writing regimen. Why not you? (Check out Rebecca Blood’s new book, The Weblog Handbook: Practical Advice on Creating and Maintaining Your Blog for lots more advice on this front.) You don’t need to be a programming genius to do this.

Other ideas: Enter contests. Look for (or start) a writing group. Join a mailing list for writers. Consider self-publishing (hey, Wing Chun did it). If you can afford it, maybe take your vacation at a writer’s colony. Look for a job in publishing so you can get an inside perspective. Read books about how to write and get published — there’s nothing writers like to write about more, it seems (try Betsy Lerner’s The Forest for the Trees). Don’t forget about taking courses, online or off…there are a lot of ways to advance the cause of writing seriously and getting published.

But you must write. Then get your work out into the world. The more regularly you write, and the more diligently you submit or publish your work, the more success you’re likely to achieve. Good luck!

Deborah is a full-time freelance writer and editor. When not obsessing about renovating her house/offering unsolicited advice/complaining bitterly/thinking of ways to complicate her life, she can be found blathering enthusiastically about words, books, and writing at her website Chicklit.

 

Forty-Two

 

Hey Sars,

Okay, so I have a problem. I guess that’s obvious,
since I’m writing to the Vine. Anyway, here it is. I
am eighteen years old and a freshman in college. I have
fairly restrictive parents and couldn’t do too much
interesting stuff when I was living at home, so when I
got to school, I (fairly predictably) went a little
wild. Nothing too bad — drinking two or three times
a week, got a tattoo, and had some random hook-ups.

Now one of these random hook-ups, “S,” and I met at a frat
party; we were both very drunk, and we went up to his
room and fooled around. Not terribly atypical
for me last semester, I’m afraid to say, but whatever.
So fast forward a couple of months to the local
college bar. I run into him there, and we get to
talking, finding out each other’s last names, et cetera.
Then a couple of months after that, we run into each
other at another frat party and hook up again. This
time we talk for a while, exchange email addresses, and so on.

Ever since then, S and I have been regular
fuck-buddies, which would be great, except that it’s
becoming increasingly obvious that I really care about
him, much more than he cares about me. In fact, we’ve
talked about it.
I want to date him, he doesn’t want to date me, he
actually wants to date this other girl he’s gone out
with a couple of times. So he’s saying that
maybe we should chill out, because he wants us to be
friends, and he’s really afraid of hurting me.

But I
don’t want things to end; I really have
a good time with him, and I think a part of me is
convinced that I can change his mind about dating me.

Am I being an idiot here? Am I setting myself up to
get hurt? I really don’t want to not see him anymore,
which is what I think would happen, because I don’t
think I could stand to just be his friend. Help!

Thanks a lot. You rock.

Kelly

 

---

I’m hoping that, by this point, the four-month break of summer work and Coronas
on a patio have rendered the heartbreaks of freshman
year a bad memory.

If not, then don’t have sex with S anymore when you
get back to school. Fuck-buddies are great, but they
only work when neither party truly wants more. What
makes you think this guy’s going to come around?
You’re having sex with this guy, but he still doesn’t
want to actually date you? Cut him off. He’s getting
guiltless, commitment-free, readily available sex
while you’re beating yourself up over a guy who wants
to fuck you while spending time with other women.
At least he’s been honest about it, and he’s even
suggested chilling out. He could have taken it one
step further and stopped having sex with you, but it
looks like that step is up to you. So cool it off, and
if you need to, avoid him until you’re over him — and
only then will it be possible to be friends with him,
if you still want that.

You’re not an idiot; this has happened in many a
freshman-year hook-up and will happen until the world
ends, except maybe at those Jesus colleges. But
continue as you are and you will get your heart
broken. And learn this now: as a general rule, we guys
don’t “come around.” Some of us grow up and become
thoughtful, caring boyfriends, and others continue to
treat their cars better than the women in their lives.
But if this guy doesn’t want you for a girlfriend,
he’s not going to change his mind anytime soon, and
you’re going to waste a good chunk of your college
years waiting for him. Get out, meet some new people,
and chalk it up as an important part of your
education.

Daniel treats his car pretty well.

 

Forty-One

 

Okay, brief outline.

My best friend has, for almost two years, had a major crush on the guy I
have been dating for the last year and a half. I knew she liked him; they
worked it out between themselves; I date him. Simple? No.

He and I are serious, simple as that. We’re staying together. We live in
different cities, which can kinda suck, but hey, we’re working it out. The
problem is, she won’t hear his name spoken. I’ve dealt with it this long,
but I really do think she needs to get a little bit of a grip — I mean, I can’t
keep silent around her about him forever, can I?

Any ideas on useful things to say to get her over it already? Two months I
could handle. Two years is a little extreme.

Mahal

 

---

Dear Mahal,

It is time to end this friendship. Let’s look at the facts — you dated
someone whom you knew your best friend had a “major” crush on. On the
other hand, you have been “best friends” with this girl for years without
actually being able to talk about your boyfriend. Never mind “best friends,”
you guys aren’t really friends at all. It’s time to break up.

Ari never talks about Jeremy Northam when Sars is around. Coincidence?

 

Forty

 

Sars,

I’m not exactly what you would call a regular reader or whatever; in fact, my friend just suggested your site out of the blue and I felt no harm in spewing my guts out to you…you’re on the other side of the world! Okay, to get started, I’m an eighteen-year-old Sydney-sider, and I just recently finished my last year of school (yay, I s’pose)…in my trial exams, leading up to the finals, I find out my dad is leaving. For me, this was a huge shock, because even though my ‘rents always fought and yelled or whatever, they always got over it and moved on. But all of a sudden they were having quiet private discussions, and I even saw my dad cry for the first time. Ever. I didn’t understand, but I was told “it had been happening for a while”… fair enough, but if that was the case, why couldn’t they wait A LITTLE WHILE LONGER SO I COULD FINISH MY EXAMS?!? Yeah, a little cut about that still…

So anyway, time went on, and my final exams pop up outta nowhere. The day before my last exam, I find out from my dad that mum cheated on him two years ago, and she finally admitted to it a couple of days before he left. I suspected it before he told me — I didn’t have that much respect for the woman in the first place, she’s an hypocritical egocentric (for lack of another word) bitch. It just fits that she would do something like that. I’m not on Dad’s side, though, don’t get me wrong. He wasn’t what you would call the perfect father or husband. He wasn’t there most of the time (away on business) and he never listens, and has the worst temper…we get along really well…when we aren’t at each other’s throats…but, to add to all this, my father is now going out with (try to follow me) my mum’s brother’s ex-wife. This same woman I considered one of my best friends (she’s only 34 or something; dad’s 39 and so is mum); she was like a sister to me. I could tell her stuff I couldn’t tell anyone else, because she used to be family, but she had lost those ties and didn’t really talk to my family much. But now she’s with my dad, man. It’s just wrong. Sure, he can be with whoever he wants, if it makes him happy, and same goes for Mum. It’s not my place to deny them that. But dude, my dad and my best friend?!? Nah, that’s just wrong.

Well, on the bright side, I’m moving to Melbourne next month to go to university, all by myself. I’m proud that I’ll be independent, and I’ll be able to move on and not let my ‘rents screw with my life anymore. A relief, to be sure…but that’s where other problems arise, the crux of them all! I have become close (okay, this is the first time ever that I have felt love for any guy…actually, for anything other than my cat, okay, so it’s a big fucking deal) real close with this guy I met at a friend’s party. We all went away for a week’s holiday together (no ‘rents, ’twas awesome). We started off as just two people who had a mutual respect, mucking around, no strings. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but then my friend told me, “Dude! He speaks about you with so much respect! I mean, he’s talked about other chicks before and I’ve never heard him talk like this about a chick. This is different. He has nothing but respect for you!” Okay, so that kinda changed things for me…he got into my head.

To cut this story short, he and I spent the whole week together. I saw him practically 24/7. Then on the last night, everything went wrong. We were meant to meet up after partying hard for a while…alone (have a guess why), so I called him as he said to…after two rings, he hangs up on me. Normally I wouldn’t have cared that much, but I was royally inebriated so I chucked a shit at him. He made an excuse of course: “Sorry babe, I drank too much, I’m fucked…talk lata” so I just kinda let it go. We saw each other again after that before heading home…can anyone say AWKWARD? We didn’t even speak to each other, and we were in the same room for about two hours. When I got home, I thought about it all and decided that I had the best time with him…and think about it, after seeing someone 24/7 for a week, then all of a sudden they’re gone completely…ouch! Fuckin’ ouch!

So I casually asked about this rave that was coming up soon…he said he wasn’t going, but gave me the details. I replied, but slipped into the conversation the big question: “Are we cool? I mean, things were pretty fucking awkward when we last saw each other, and I don’t want to lose contact with you, coz you’re a heaps mad guy…” His reply was “yeah, no probs, we’re cool.” At the rave a few days later, I called him again…dunno why…saying “hey I’m havin’ a mad time at the rave, what you up to?”…no reply…haven’t spoken to him since. But I can’t stop thinking about him. What the?? I mean, I never get attached to guys; usually I get bored in relationships and the guy gets the flick because of that. And besides, I’m moving eight hours down south, for a year, if not the rest of my life.

What am I doing? Am I making the wrong choice in following my dream of living where I have always wanted to, taking the first steps to the career I’ve wanted? Am I making the wrong choice in leaving my family probs behind and starting afresh? But would I be making the wrong choice by staying with a family I not only despise, but feel suppressed by, just to be with friends that I love (and my cat) and pursue this guy, the first one I’ve really felt something for? Please, a little help.

Confused As All Hell

 

---

Whoa. Um, okay. Let me see if I’ve got this straight: your parents are going through a messy break-up and are being totally juvenile by dragging you into it and you “despise” them AND you just got blown off by this guy you were all hot for and now you’re wondering if you ought to skip college to stay home and stew in your own juices? Dude, go to school and don’t look back.

It’s natural to be nervous about starting a new school, especially when you’re leaving home for the first time –- and it’s also the only reason that could explain why you’re even considering staying home, especially in light of the fact that the cosmos seems to be screaming at you to leave town and get away from all these people. But, seriously? You’re going to school, not prison. Presumably, you can visit your old friends (and the cat) on vacations. And you can email and phone. You’ll be fine. Go.

As for this boy…look, he’s totally avoiding you, right? After a week of fooling around? While you were basically on vacation? I’m sorry, but I very highly doubt that continuing to pursue him is going to work. He blew you off. It sucks, but it happens, unfortunately. Why hang around and wallow in all that? Go to school! Meet new boys. Have fun. Learn stuff. Be glad you’re not mired in all your family shit anymore. Trust me, it’s much easier to deal with parental crap when you’ve got a buffer zone of a couple of hundred miles.

Following James Van Der Beek’s career has really given Jessica some perspective.

 

Thirty-Nine

 

dear sars,

i am torn between two men. i love them both and i can’t decide whom i should pick or if i should just dump them both.

here’s some background. three months ago, i was in a relationship with jake. i was, and still am very much in love with him. but he didn’t want to commit to anything. i moved to another city for work reasons and met tim, and fell in love with him. i told jake; he was devastated, but i never understood why, as he didn’t ever seem to plan to take the relationship with me one step further.

tim loves me; he wants to marry me, have children, and all that jazz. he treats me like a pearl, but i was still pining for jake. then the shit hit the fan a month ago when i found out i was ten weeks pregnant with jake’s baby. i told tim, who was understandably upset. but i wanted to have the baby with jake. i love him so much and couldn’t imagine having a child with anyone else. but jake didn’t want it. so i ended up having an abortion. it was the most horrible thing i’ve ever experienced. i never wanted to speak to jake again, but he begged for forgiveness and came to visit me after the whole ordeal while i was still living with tim. i still love jake and i have forgiven him, and he does want to take the relationship a step further now. and i still love tim too, but there are problems there too, like the fact that he refuses to talk about the abortion and gets angry whenever i bring it up.

i don’t know what to do. i love them both, although to be honest i’ve never felt the way i feel about jake. but i don’t know if i can ever let go of what happened, that he deserted me when i needed him most. i know i have to make up my mind, because the way things are going now, well, it’s not fair on anyone. some say i should dump jake because i deserve better; some say dump them both and start fresh (a terrifying thought, because i don’t think i’ll ever feel this way again); and some say just follow your heart (if only it was that easy).

do you think i’m a tart ’cause i’m in love with two men? what should i do? i know no one can tell me who to pick, but it would help to get some neutral advice on the whole situation. thanks.

more than confused.

 

---

Dear More Than Confused,

Ah, to pick or to dump? That is the question. Too bad I
can’t cue the music, slap on a robe, utter “choose wisely,”
and stand back from the cup collection. But here goes.

Seems to me that within less than a year (a few months,
no?), you’ve had an awful lot to deal with. Moving, new
environment, new job, pregnancy, abortion…add all that
to a new relationship that’s been bum-rushed by old
baggage, and you’ve got worries a-plenty for everyone
involved. So, it’s a lot to consider.

Perhaps Jake, in his out-of-sight, out-of-mind despair, has
realized his true love and devotion for you. Maybe Tim
gives you a fresh outlook and makes you think it could be
the greatest thing you ever had.

Or it could be that Jake suffers from the “I Want You When
I Can’t Have You (And I’m Ready To Commit Now, For
Serious)” syndrome. It’s also possible that having seen
your emotions turn so early in the game, Tim either won’t
want your old issues in the way and will hit the bricks, or
he’ll fight like hell to keep your love away from The Other
Guy. Meanwhile, you’re pining for something else, or
someone else — never knowing if the grass was indeed
greener. Insert deep, heavy sigh here.

“You’ll never feel this way again”? Dionne Warwick can wail
on that statement (doobie in hand, heh), but I doubt you
should now. I hate to ask how old you are, but at 33, I’ve
determined that so far, there are no be-all, end-alls that
come with affairs of the heart. You win some, you lose
some, and it’s better to have loved than lost blah blah
blah insert non-helpful and obvious cliché here.

Point is, you’ll take an emotional risk any way you go, so
why not make a list of pros and cons to each avenue? It
might sound silly to write it down like you’re going
Krogering or making an Excel spreadsheet, but it helps to
define your priorities in black and white instead of
rolling the misery around in your head. What is it that
you’re afraid of not getting from either one, or from yourself
if you fly solo?

For the immediate, I’d take some serious time to grieve the
abortion. It’s easy to get blindsided by emotion, and it
takes any woman a long time to accept the facts there, let
alone one that’s torn between two lovers. It certainly
doesn’t hurt to have support from Jake and/or Tim, but you
can find plenty of it in friends or family, too. Allow time
for regrouping, be gentle with yourself, make a strong
platform to make the next move.

Next, make serious time to ask yourself what you really and
truly want out of a RELATIONSHIP, not out of Jake or Tim or anyone
in particular. I think examining your expectations —
before you jump into any set of arms because they feel good
or right at the time — will help you gain a little
certainty about where you want your life and your love to
go. Maybe for now, it’s best to reflect before you rebound
into more disappointment.

Mornglory rocks the mad, wonderful uncertainties of life from Long Island.

 

Thirty-Eight

 

Sars,

I don’t know how this can help, but I see your answers
to other people and
you always seem to make some sense out of their
problems, so who knows. Maybe just writing it out will make it clearer for me.

So here’s the situation: Five months ago, I started
talking to a guy on the ‘net.
As we young fags are wont to do, we started flirting.
We really work
together; I like that he has a brain and doesn’t
irritate me with triviality
like most people, and he puts up with my arrogance and such.

Anyway, there were omens of the impending problem even
at that point — we
became quite involved, and I had to make it clear
that, for me, attraction
cannot be determined online; this was naturally
upsetting for the poor guy.

So we meet up, chat, get along well, say goodbye, then
both break down on
the way home — me because, although he’s great, there
just isn’t that thing
that says “boyfriend”; him because he sensed this.

So we remain friends, and in fact are closer now than
ever. The problem?
Because he lives two hours out from the city, we do a lot
of chatting online —
and that same old attraction is still there, for me
and him. It’s only in
person that it doesn’t work…

This reared up again a few nights ago — I said as
much, and he responded
that although he was working on “getting over it,” the
reason he hadn’t
started relationships with a few guys he’d liked was
because of our “thing”
(I had been under the impression that he just didn’t like
them that much).

So that’s the situation now. We both wish it could
work, but it’s not going
to. The unresolved status has already screwed up what
could have been
something great with another guy for him, and isn’t
exactly helping either
of our emotional states. I suggested that we take a break, but neither of us
really wants that — he
is my best friend. Just leaving it be had seemed to be working, but the
night before last left
me in a wreck.

I just really don’t know what I can do; it doesn’t
seem to be resolving on
its own, and I don’t have any strategies to deal with
it — I’m not at my
best when dealing with emotions.

Oh, and I should say that we have discussed the
situation ad nauseam, and it does
more harm than good.

So, well, help?

Lost

 

---

My dear Lost,

Your situation is very sweet, and all too familiar. I
understand that you’re torn between valuing this boy’s
friendship, and wanting to set him free so he can
pursue other relationships. It’s a harder position to
be in than, say, the one on page 33 in the Bedside
Kama Sut— oh, sorry.

You both need some space. Internet Boy needs time away
from you, and as much as you might not see it right
now, you need time away from him. And by “away from,” I
don’t mean just visits; I mean no contact. No email,
no IMs, no phone calls.

Try it. And not just for a
day, but for a week, or two weeks. Both of you will
hopefully get some perspective, and who knows? Maybe
you’ll realize you can’t live without each other and
will run happily into each other’s arms. It’s more
likely that you’ll be able to see what other aspects
of your lives you’ve been neglecting, and after a
little time away, you’ll be able to continue your
friendship with your priorities realigned.

G-Force bought the book for a friend. No, really.

 

Thirty-Seven

 

Dear Sars,

Okay, well, I think you’re great. I would really like your advice on a situation, which was confusing and is now just painful. I hope this isn’t too long to be answered.

There’s this guy (isn’t there always), who I’m desperately in love with (or maybe as my best friend would say, infatuated with, because I’m not actually with him) and all of a sudden I can’t be with him.

I’m going to backtrack a bit and try and explain the situation better. A year and a half ago, my best friend met a guy called “Mike” and instantly started crushing on him. However, he was in love with a girl in America (we’re not in America). He wasn’t with this girl, but a couple months later, he flew over to see her, declared his love for her, and was turned down because she was still messed up over a previous relationship.

Fast forward to April, when my best friend told Mike she liked him and was turned down because even though he liked my best friend, he was still in love with American Girl. During this period, I knew Mike but not that well. I was in hospital before that, awaiting major surgery, and after that recovering from major surgery. I was fairly oblivious to him until July, when I got to know him and started thinking he was cool. From about that time onwards, my best friend and I have hung out with him and his friend almost constantly.

By September, I was really attracted to him but very aware of the fact that my best friend wasn’t over him. October — things got madly confusing after Mike came over one night when my best friend was away for the weekend, drank too much to drive home, and slept in my bed. Nothing happened, but — and this sounds incredibly lame — there was a really strong vibe. I really wanted to do something but didn’t, because of my best friend, because I’m really scared of rejection, because I’m insecure about the way I look, because I’m really inexperienced, et cetera. The fact that nothing happened, even though we joked about it a lot afterwards, did not stop me from falling harder and faster for him than I could stop myself, aided by the jokey flirting between us, which itself had become a joke amongst our friends.

By December I could not handle the whole thing and after a lot of thought about the matter, I very apologetically told my best friend just after Christmas what the situation was. She was amazing about the whole thing, as she has been throughout the whole of last year and the ten years I have known her before that. She very understandably kind of didn’t want me to say anything to Mike, at least not until he got back from being away for five weeks, which happens next week.

Ostensibly Mike was still in love with American Girl, although he hadn’t talked about it in quite a long time, but also it would make things very difficult for all involved. However, I still wanted to say something, partly because I have been in a situation where I didn’t say anything and the unrequitedness of it all kind of fucked up the friendship, and also partly because I really want to be with this guy and wanted to take the chance if there was the slightest possibility he might feel kind of the same way. So this past Saturday night, I rang him to tell him everything; he didn’t answer his cell phone, but I left a message. I went to bed thinking that after all this time it could wait another day. On Sunday afternoon, I was at my best friend’s place when she checked her email. It contained an email sent to me, her, and his friend, saying that Mike had rung American Girl the night before to get closure in a one-last-shot kind of way, and she had said that her feelings had changed after more than a year; she wants to move here to be with him, and will within the year. Universal shock from everyone, including Mike and all his friends. One would imagine slightly less universal was the feeling I had that I had been punched in the chest.

My best friend, after initial confusion, is surprised and pleased by how she is mostly just happy for him. I know I really should be happy for him, but I just feel heartbroken. I avoided talking to him when he rang my house on Sunday night, because my best friend answered the phone and was all, “You don’t ring during Survivor! It’s the final!” She also went straight home and rang him from there to congratulate him so I wouldn’t have to talk to him quite yet. After not sleeping and then talking about it all day, I decided to suck it up and ring him and congratulate him and pretend to be happy for him, because I felt by this stage my lack of response would start to seem pointed. So I did it, and it was awful. It made things worse that I thought he sounded really nervous, like I wasn’t hiding it very well at all. It all ended with me making an excuse to hang up and then hysterical crying. After more talking with my best friend (we talk quite a lot, in case you couldn’t tell), I changed my mind and decided I would tell him, because the truth is I’m not good at hiding being upset, and if he knows then at least I won’t have to lie constantly and make up reasons for having to hang up or walk out of every conversation where he’s gushing about how it’s fate that they’re finally together (he’s already sent me one email about it).

So I tried ringing him again last night and after it took 20 minutes to dial his phone number, he didn’t answer the phone again, either because he was on the phone or because he knows something is up and saw my number flash late at night and didn’t want to deal (paranoia much?).

After all this, what I want to know is, am I doing the right thing telling at this stage, Sars?

An Unhappy Person In A No-Win Situation

 

---

Dear Unhappy:

You’re obviously suffering through a very difficult situation. I can sympathize — we’ve all felt the pain of unrequited feelings. However, I’d like to bring to your attention a few parts of your letter that I found particularly revealing. First off, you say that Mike is “gushing” over his new relationship. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don’t think you have any right to intrude on his happiness; nor do I think he owes you anything. The fact that your best friend, who sounds like a fairly reasonable person, is happy for him should make you stop and think. Also, your signature describes the situation you’re in as “no-win.” If you see it that way, what do you hope to gain by telling him now? Just making him uncomfortable and miserable? Not a good idea.

The other part of your letter I’d like to address, which I find far more serious, is where you describe yourself as “scared of rejection,” “insecure about the way [you] look,” “really inexperienced et cetera.” A laundry list of problems such as these suggest to me that you have a very negative self-image. You don’t need advice from a columnist — you need therapy from a trained professional. Until you pursue that, I don’t believe you’ll be happy, with or without Mike.

Short answer: You won’t get what you want. Give up on him as a romantic prospect and start spending time with other people for a change.

The Couch Baron isn’t actually that sorry if this sounds harsh.

 

Thirty-Six

 

Hey Sars —

My problem is my younger brother. He’s seventeen and I’m weeks away from being nineteen, and he has this weird superiority thing going on. He seems to think that just because he’s done better at high school than I did that he is a better person than me.

It’s like because he is taller than me, and looks like he’s older, and thinks he’s smarter than me, that he thinks this makes up for the two-year age gap and the fact that I’ve been at university for a year now, and might actually know something. He always finds ways to devalue my opinions and knowledge if they disagree with what he thinks, and he treats me like I’m stupid, which I know I am not. One example of him being like this is when he was talking with me and our dad about general university stuff. And even though out of the three of us, I am the only one who has been to uni, he still won’t let me be right. Even though I’d been going to classes all year, and he had just finished high school, he obviously would know much more about actually going to university than I do.

It seems like the only time he and I can have a conversation that doesn’t make me feel down is when I’m asking for his help with something. And I already feel crappy enough with him doing better in school than me — I don’t need him reminding me of his “superiority.” It’s gotten to the point where I can’t wait for him to move out (I’m pretty sure he’ll leave before I do) so that I don’t have to put up with his shit all the time.

Can you help? Have you had any similar problems with your brother? Because life is really depressing enough already without his help.

Thanks,

Lazy, not stupid

 

---

Dear Lazy,

I couldn’t believe how dull, ignorant, ill-behaved, et cetera my brothers were growing up, and I didn’t hesitate to get in their faces about anything and everything 24/7. Later on, I found, like Mark Twain before him, that after passage of a few years, I was amazed at how much they had improved, apparently with no visible effort expended on their part.

The message: Both you and your brother need time and space to mature. Automobile insurance underwriters extract extra premiums for male drivers under the age of 25; perhaps the real age of majority for men ought to be raised to that level, which is when the common sense gene activates. Check back in five years — I’m guessing you two will be pretty close by then.

Sars’s Dad is still waiting for the common sense gene to activate in Sars. We hope he packed a lunch.

 

Thirty-Five

 

Hey Sars, love your site.

I just started seeing this guy that I’ve known for a few years. We’re taking it very slowly, keeping a casual air about it, free to see other people until we decide it’s right for us to commit to one another, et cetera. So far, all things are falling into place like well-aimed anvils, and our friends couldn’t be happier that we’ve both “seen the light.”

The problem is that he is jobless, and he has no prospects in sight. He got laid off a few months back, and after almost three months of looking, he’s starting to descend into a misery that none of our friends have ever seen before. I don’t think he’ll do anything drastic or melodramatic, but it’s getting people kind of distressed. We weren’t supposed to be linking up as a couple just yet — I knew from mutual confidantes that he carried a torch for me, but he felt very insecure about dating unemployed. But it happened one night, and now we’re seeing each other, and since there’s no Superman around to fly around the world backwards, there’s nothing I can do about that.

I think that us starting to see each other while he’s out of work is a product of horrible timing, but I don’t think we should necessarily cool our jets, seeing as we’re casual enough as it is. I can’t very well go over to his house with the Sunday job section and a bunch of pre-stamped envelopes for his résumés. How can I give him the support he needs without completely undermining his pride?

Thanks much.
The Bad-Timing Queen

 

---

Dear Bad Time:

Wow, you carry a lot of the world’s weight on your shoulders, don’t you? You worry about your new beau’s jobless anxiety, the timing of your hook-up, and how to help him without crushing his ego — you’re not thinking of yourself at all! Are you happy? Is this what you want right now in your life? Don’t make this guy’s troubles your own. And besides, his troubles are temporary. He will get another job. He WILL. Yes, it sucks to be unemployed, but it happens to the best of us. Most people do bounce back.

You say this guy carried a torch for you — could it be you offered yourself up to him as some kind of karmic consolation prize? Like, perhaps you pitied this guy you’ve known for years, in his currently jobless state? Nothing wrong with that. But what is it you really want out of this relationship? To help him through a temporarily difficult time in his life, or to be with him? If what you want is to be with him, side by side like twin anvils in looove, then you have to look at this unemployed thing as a good thing. Like, maybe you can play hooky with him one day. Make breakfast and watch The Price Is Right. Go out drinking in the afternoon. Play Frisbee in the park. Then go, “Woo, that was fun! It almost makes me want to be unemployed! Ha ha ha! Tomorrow you can look on Monster.com (or call that temp agency, or look at the want ads) and start counting down your free days until you start working again.” Because he will start working again. I can tell you this with confidence without even knowing what industry he works in, because it’s a life cycle thing and I have Been Around. I’ve been laid off and fired, on and off the dole, and there ain’t no shame in my game. It’s like Frank Sinatra sang: “You’re riding high in April, shot down in May!”

For the time being, I’d take a slow moment at your job to think about what you really want before you start addressing his envelopes and printing out copies of his résumé. If you’re happy, loving, and confident toward him, and he’s still in a bummer, there’s nothing you can do. Generally, there’s nothing you can do about someone else’s attitude anyway, but if I had said that right in the beginning, you would have hated my guts.

Virginia Eve Plum dishes the dirt at Crimson and Cherry.

 

Thirty-Four

 

Dear Sars,

You and your wonderful writing rocks my world, and since you are the guru of
all things logical I thought I’d write to you about my little problem.

I’m seventeen, and I live with my dad; he’s divorced and I never see my mother. We
have a pretty weird relationship; up until about four years ago I only saw him
on weekends, so he’s more like my roommate than my dad, and I pretty much
control my own life. Unfortunately it also makes me feel like sometimes I’m
raising my own father. I love my dad and I know he tries his best, considering
I wasn’t exactly planned and my mom ran off, but when we’ve met my friends’
parents, they’ve actually asked who is the parent, him or me?

I’m the one that
bugs him about not spending all the time and about saving money. He also gets
engaged about every two years to really weird women — alcoholics, women who
claim disability but aren’t actually disabled, bingo addicts — and he actually
had an affair with my friend’s (married, although not happily) mother. These
flings of course never work out, but it means that generally every two years
I have a new “mom.” This isn’t really my problem (although it probably means
I’ll spend 20 years in therapy); I guess that’s just background information
about the fact that I’m not exactly dealing with a really normal parent.

Here’s the thing: I haven’t had a new “mom” in about a year, so I guess Dad’s
been kinda lonely, and from accidentally stumbling onto our computer’s history,
I know he looks at porn. Big deal; most guys above the age of sixteen (and
probably younger) do that. The problem is that it’s girls. And I mean LITTLE
girls. Like, my age and younger, mostly younger. This freaks me out, to say the
least. I’ve even walked in on him and had to pretend that I’m too brain-dead
to notice him clicking off the sites. He’s never actually gone after any
little girls, but he takes a very keen interest in my female friends, to the
point that they think he’s pretty weird.

So what do I do? Do I freak out and run screaming from my house? Ignore what
is an internet fantasy, pretty weird but harmless, because it doesn’t
translate into reality? Pretend I’m dumber than toast and have never noticed?
Confront him and ask him to be more discreet? The last time I confronted him
about something was a wacko girlfriend, and he sulked for days.

I have no idea. Even though I think I’ve painted a pretty horrific picture of
my dad, we are great friends and I know he really cares about me. For someone
who didn’t chose to have me and could have run like my mom, I think he’s done
a pretty good job. I’d like not to ruin that relationship, but I also don’t
relish the idea of my dad looking at naked ten-year-olds on the ‘net. Ew.
Double ew.

Thanks for any advice you could give,

Nasty Mental Pictures

 

---

Dear Nasty:

Wow! American Beauty syndrome much? He hasn’t been sprinkling rose petals
around or started working out three hours a day, has he?

Seriously, whether or not he actually goes after little girls (and how do you
know he doesn’t, or won’t?), YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR DAD about this
“fantasy.” Child pornography is ILLEGAL — HELLO! — and always involves
financial and physical exploitation of the subjects. Although he sounds
immature in many ways, surely he can be made aware that he is supporting an
industry which does nothing but harm children, in this case young girls. If
nothing else, he should respond, as a father, to the fact that his behavior
makes you extremely uncomfortable. Ask him how he would feel if one of those
girls were his child.

If he sulks, so be it. Someday he’ll thank you for having the maturity to
confront him and tell it like it is.

Sulking doesn’t cut much ice with Sars’s Mom…take it from Sars.

 

Thirty-Three

 

Dear Sars,

My problem is one that’s been going on and off for as long as I can
remember. It has to do with friends.

I’m a senior in high school, and up until this year I had a total of two
people I considered close friends: my best friend since childhood, who lives
in another state; and my friend since fourth grade, who hangs out with an
entirely different circle of people. So for many years, I was pretty
lonely. This year I had a lead in the school play, and I made six great
friends almost instantly. The best part about it was, most of these friends
were also friends with each other, and I was thrilled because I finally felt
like I belonged, that people actually enjoyed my company and cared about me.

Lately, though, I’ve become really paranoid about my relationships with most
of these people, particularly my two new guy friends (one of whom I’m
developing a crush on, but that’s neither here nor there). I’ve noticed
that whenever I try to get together with them, they’re always busy. I’ve
also noticed that I have to do all the calling. I have to always seek THEM
out, not the other way around. This really bothers me, because I don’t feel
like I should be doing all the work in the friendship. I’d cut them out of
my life, except that a) I really like them, and b) even though they don’t seek
me out, they’re always there for me when I’m going through a bad time,
always understanding and helpful.

I know they care about me, but I can’t
shake the feeling that our relationships are uneven, that they mean more to
me than I mean to them. I don’t know if this is just my imagination or
paranoia based on past experiences, or if this is the truth. I don’t want
to ask them how they feel because that will make me sound too needy, and
THAT’S not going to make them want to hang out with me more often.

I don’t know what to do about this. I’m completely lost.

An Insecure Mess

 

---

Dear Mess,

I was thinking about your letter last night (really!) and this Aimee Mann
song lyric came into my head:

Everyone I know is acting weird

or way too cool

they hang out by the pool

so I just read a lot and ride my bike

around the school

So then I got up today and got the CD out so that I could confirm the
exact lyrics and I noticed, as I never had before, that the song is called
“Ghost World.” And it was oddly fitting, because my answer will make a lot
more sense if you’ve read Ghost World or seen the movie based on it.

It does sound a bit like your friends are blowing you off. It might not
be because they’re mean or don’t like you. It could just be because you’re
all seniors in high school. Obviously, this is a natural time of transition;
it’s unlikely that, at the end of the school year, all seven of you will end
up at the same school, or job, or even that you’ll all continue living in
the same town, unless you’re the cast of 90210 (and even Brenda went
to school back in Minnesota for a couple of episodes). It may be that
they’re getting ready to make that transition and that you might not
continue to be a part of their lives now that school is over.

I don’t think it’s a matter of, as you say, cutting them out of your
life; nothing that dramatic seems required here. It seems like you’re just
drifting apart, as is natural, and that it’ll be easier on all of you if you
just let that happen. Whatever your plans for the fall — whether you’re
pursuing post-secondary education or getting a job or whatever — your life
is going to be very different than it was when you were in high school, and
you are going to meet all kinds of new people. My advice is to let your
friends, along with high school, stay in your past, and look forward to
starting the next phase of your life with the new friends you will make in the future. And
in the meantime, you can read a lot and ride your bike around the school.

Wing Chun reads a lot but doesn’t currently own a bike.

 

Thirty-Two

 

Hey,

Just wanted to tell you that despite conflicting views, I find your
— column, diary, page, whatever — the best writing out there from someone who wants to just express their views. Besides, I’m one of the rowdier ones in my family, and don’t mind actually laughing till I cry.

I do have just one tiny little problem, though — there’s this guy (unique, huh). This guy is pretty much my best friend — we hang out together, we joke together, we horse around with some mutual friends, et cetera. But. I have recently developed what I guess you’d call a crush on this guy. He’s smart, funny, and so on. He’s also totally not up to my guy standards. Morally, that is. And I know I’m not prepared to deal with that. The whole affair would end in heartbreak, blah blah.

But here’s the actual question — do you have any advice whatsoever on how to get rid of the crush? Not easy. Particularly given how hot he is.

Sincerely,

Crushing and cranky about it

 

---

Dear C&C,

I think it was Paul Dooley in Sixteen Candles who said, “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.”

Look, if you’ve irrevocably made up your mind that it would never be worth it to pursue this crush as an actual relationship because he’s not up to your “guy standards,” then I will dispense with the whole “how do you know until you try, could be the best thing that ever happened to you” schtick, because it sounds like you are pretty sure of your own mind.

Unfortunately, there is no hard and fast way to rid yourself of a tiresome crush. I mean, there are spells, chants, cleansing rituals, dancing naked around a bonfire — all things that help you move on with your life — but sometimes you never truly get over crushes, especially the ones that are unrequited. Sometimes all it takes is one really lousy kiss from the crush to exorcize those demons.

However, eventually you do get past them and they stop occupying your every waking moment. Time does that. If he’s your best friend, it might be hard to reduce your hang time with him in order to minimize the “hot boy exposure,” but it also might be better for your friendship with him in the long run to do just that. Occupy yourself with other things, other people — other crushes, even — and you will eventually feel the crushiness subsiding.

In the world of natural and unfiltered light, Keckler is a fine arts and photography book editor (read: big, expensive, coffee-table books) by day, and watches too much TV and drinks too much Post Road Pumpkin Ale by night.

 

Thirty-One

 

Dear Sars:

Background info: In October, I broke up with this guy (let us call him
“Bob”); then in November I started going out with this other guy (let us call
him “Fred”), and the break-up with Bob, which was rather messy to begin with,
got messier.

Details: He was my first boyfriend, and I broke
up with him because, quite honestly, I can’t really stand him as a boyfriend
(he makes, or did make, a good friend, but…yeah). Anyway, Bob and I
broke up, and he said we couldn’t maintain a friendship, and then he said
that he’d said that just so I’d choose to go out with him again rather than
lose him altogether (which didn’t happen because I’m not that stupid).

After a couple of months, I realised how much this pissed me off, and took the first
opportunity I could see to disassociate myself with him (this happened to be
his rampant assumption-making, which bugged the hell out of me anyway). Then
something like two days later, we “talked,” and he said that he’d attempted
to be my friend after he thought it impossible (*coughBULLSHIT*). Then he
started acting as if nothing had gone wrong — hugging me, sending me emails
that he considered “cute”…I confronted him about this on MSN Messenger, we
“talked” again, he appologised a few times, and before I blocked him again,
I said that, because he’d lied to me, I couldn’t be sure of the sincerity of
his appologies. Quite honestly, I don’t think he meant any of them, because
he probably didn’t think he’d done anything so terribly wrong as to require
appologies, and granted, he hadn’t in the last month.

So, I go to school
the next day,
and was opening my locker, and turned to talk to a formerly mutual friend of
ours (now only mine) that was walking with him, but I didn’t have time to
answer her question before I got hit in the back of the head and heard,
“That’s for calling me a liar!” from Bob. So I turned around and said,
“That’s cuz you are one.” and he hit me again, saying, “No I’m not!” to
which I, of course, replied, “Yes you are!” Then he tried to choke me
(doing a really crappy job), saying, “I have never lied to you!” to which my
natural response was, “Yes you have!” (I realise now how dumb I must have
looked, just standing there accusing him, but this was the only way I could
win this fight. First person to lose their cool loses, or last word wins.) He hit me again, at which point a teacher
intervened, and Bob said, “I have never fucking lied to you, so stop making
fucking assumptions!” and I, of course, replied, saying, “You’re the one
making assumptions.” Then we went to the office, and after I was informed
of his suspension, I was allowed to go back to class.

Anyway, now I’m really prematurely cynical about relationships, which is,
you’ve probably guessed, making my current relationship with Fred very
rocky. However, while I’m pretty sure I can’t handle a relationship, I’m
pretty sure that I also can’t handle a break-up, which leaves me in this
little box, and I don’t know what to do. I’d like to get out of it somehow
without having to actually break up with Fred, because the only experience I’ve
had with initiating a break-up has been a really bad one…so I don’t know
what to do, because I’m really stuck, and at the same time that I want to
get out of the entire thing, I guess I’m also trying to cling to it a bit
because Fred’s really nice, but I know it’s not gonna last. We’ve both said
that. And he’s good to go with putting effort into something as pointless
as a temporary, semi-long distance high school relationship (we live thirty
minutes from each other, and neither of us has a car).

So, in short, I’m
stumped. I have no clue what I should do, and everyone expects me to know
everything, and everyone expects me to be fine, and while I thought I would
be, I’ve discovered that I’m not.

*whimper* I need a hug…

Tired and Confused

 

---

Dear Tired and Confused:

First off, let’s not hide behind pseudonyms. You will never solve your
problems if you don’t face them honestly. It’s clear to me that when you say
“Bob” and “Fred,” you really mean “Matt Damon” and “Ben Affleck.” So let’s
just get that squared away right off the top.

Secondly, it’s important to point out that, while break-ups almost always
bring bad feelings, resentment, ill-considered insults, and pain, no one
should ever — ever — be cuffing anyone in the head or attempting to choke
them. Serious, serious no-nos. (As the subsequent suspension of Bob/Matt
demonstrates.)

If Bob/Matt isn’t able to control himself physically, stay far away from
him. Don’t provoke him, don’t argue with him, don’t try to rationalize with
him, and don’t communicate with him, except to make it clear to him that you
won’t have any kind of relationship with him if that kind of thing happens.

On to the breaking-up part: it seems pretty clear that you’re not interested
in being involved with Bob/Matt. Perhaps someday down the road (if he gets
the whole choking thing under wraps) you two can be friends. Maybe, maybe
not. But you are not going to be friends right away. This is the great
fallacy of relationships: that somehow you can seamlessly downshift from a
romantic couple to chummy buds in the span of 24 hours. No. Uh-uh. Can’t be
done.

The best thing to do (especially given the, you know, choking) is to put
some space between you and Bob/Matt. He may try to convince you that he
wants to build a friendship, or that he can’t bear to not be in your life.
Just tell him that, while this may be possible someday, you’re not ready to
do that. Because you’re not, and obviously, neither is he.

Besides, only by spending some time apart can you honestly know if you’re
even interested in having this guy in your life in any capacity. It’s quite
painful to spend lots of boyfriend/girlfriend time with someone, then
suddenly have them cut out of your life, and in a way it seems kind of
absurd. But there’s no other way to do it. ‘Twas always thus.

When relationships break down, it is the case that, 99.9 percent of the time, one
person wants to be friends and one doesn’t — they want more. (They want to
be in the relationship, duh.) They might settle for being friends (or say
that they will settle for being friends) rather than accept the alternative
of having no contact. But that’s not a friendship and it never works out. I
don’t mean you can never be friends. But you can’t be friends right away.

It seems pretty clear that Bob/Matt is hurt by a) your breaking up with him,
and b) you going out with his best friend Ben Affleck so soon after breaking
up with him. All of which is natural and to be expected.

Chances are good that he will do whatever he can to stay in your life, even
if this involves a) pretending to “just want to be friends,” b) pestering
you on IM, and c) physically attacking you. Just tell him you need space and
time. Because you do, and so does he.

As for Ben Affleck, you may have rushed into this one a little quickly. No
doubt you have heard of the dreaded “rebound relationship”: jumping in too
fast with someone new because you a) can’t stand your old boyfriend but b)
don’t want to be alone. This, obviously, is not that best foundation for a
new relationship.

But remember: Ben Affleck is not Matt Damon. Just because Matt Damon/Bob is
a head-smacking, woman-choking dink doesn’t mean that Ben/Fred is one too.

You say you’re “prematurely cynical” about relationships, but you’ve only
had one so far, yes? That’s pretty premature to get cynical. You will have
many, many more relationships before you are done. Don’t be cynical about
relationships; be cynical about Matt/Bob, the guy who tried to choke you.

That said, it’s fair to explain to Ben/Fred that you are having some
trouble, since you’ve, you know, just come out of a messy break-up. Perhaps
you want to take things slow, or ease off a bit while you get your bearings
back. All of that is reasonable, and Ben/Fred will understand, if he’s a
nice guy and cares about you.

You say the relationship is not going to last, but it’s not clear if you
feel that way because of your experience with Bob/Matt, or because you just
don’t have strong feelings for Fred/Ben. Either way, though, it makes sense
to take it slow. Don’t call it off just because you’re still a bit torn up
about Bob/Matt. Just enjoy it, and see where it goes. Maybe you’ll be
surprised. And if it doesn’t work out, you can both move on; it sounds like
you’ve already talked about this possibility with Ben/Fred, so it
shouldn’t be a traumatic shock to either of you. Just be sure to be
straightforward with Ben/Fred so that, if you tell him later on that you
don’t think it can work, he won’t feel that you weren’t up-front and honest
from the start.

To recap: 1) Get some space from Bob/Matt. (And make sure he knows that the
physical attacking stuff is totally out of line, and unacceptable.) 2) Take
it slow with Fred/Ben. And remember that they aren’t the same person. 3) Do
not despair. And don’t be cynical about relationships; relationships can be
hard, but they’re not bad. They’re often very good and very necessary, and
the good ones are worth working at.

The Man From F.U.N.K.L.E. would like you to know that nothing he just said applies to the Minnelli/Gest marriage.

 

Thirty

 

The All-Knowing Sars,

I know this one is going to be long, so I apologize in
advance.

A brief history. Last July I met this guy (Tad). A
mutual friend (Jess) introduced us, and when I first
saw him, I really wasn’t interested in giving him the
time of day. He didn’t look like my type and he
seemed too arrogant for my tastes. The same evening
we met, Jess and her hubby and me (because I rode with
them) asked Tad to go to breakfast with us. At
breakfast we hit it off. When we were leaving, he told
me that he didn’t want me to go and asked me to come
to his place to hang out. Which I did, and from that
moment on we were inseparable. Our relationship
blossomed into this beautiful thing. He ended up
being the first guy in a long time that I could
actually see myself marrying. He had passion, dreams,
understanding, an amazing brain, and this wonderful
ability to make me feel like I was the most important
person in the world.

I KNEW he loved me more than anything or anyone. He
told me this, his friends told me this, his family
told me this. He had always been the one to be in
control of his emotions and his relationships. He
never really loved anyone, and he never invested
anything in any of his other relationships. But Tad
changed right before my eyes. The arrogance dwindled;
the attitude I had originally thought was there
vanished. He grew into this mature person who WANTED
to be in a loving relationship. He had never wanted
that before. He told me time and time again how he
has never loved anyone like he loved me, and I felt the
same way. For the first time in years, I knew I found
the man I had been searching for. And believe me, I
kissed many, many toads before I kissed Tad. Like we
used to say to one another, “Kisses never lie.” You
can read so much just by the way someone kisses
you…and our kisses told us that we were meant for
one another.

November — ah, November. I caught him in a lie. I went
out with Jess. Tad called Jess’s hubby to verify that
I was indeed with her. I asked him about it. He told
me “no,” he did NOT call. I asked why was his phone
number on their caller ID; he said he didn’t know. We
went round and round, but no matter what, even though
he was caught, he would not ‘fess up. I tried to get
over it…I couldn’t. The relationship ended in
December.

Sometime in January, I contacted him and told him I
wanted to step over all the bullcrap together and work
on the relationship. I told him that my feelings were
too strong to let another day go by without him in it.
Two weeks went by, and he basically “politely declined”
because I REFUSED to believe his story that he did not
call and check up on me. I wanted to step over the
incident — he wanted to plow right back through it.
Because I wouldn’t say to him, “Jess and her hubby are
lying,” he didn’t want to deal with me.

Valentine’s Day…Jess and I got caught trying to
leave an anonymous Valentine at his apartment. Even
though we have utterly NO contact with one another, I
couldn’t let V-Day go by without him knowing that someone
thought of him. No strings, no expectations, no
reciprocation. Jess and I made up a lie about why we were
there, and he bought it. He called me late V-Day
night (eight times) to verify the story Jess told him, and
I stuck to the lie. During one of those convos, he
told me to never call him, email him, try to see him,
or anything ever again.

Now I feel like crap. I have
never lied to him. And his Valentine is sitting at my
house all crumbled up and not opened. I want to go to
him, put the Valentine in his hand, and say “here is
the truth.” I know he is not worth it, but I feel
horrible for lying. Doesn’t he have the right to know
that I was thinking about him? Why did we have to
lie? It was stupid, I know it, but he is the first
person with whom I have been wholly good, honest,
forthright, selfless, faithful on every level,
un-prideful, and all those things. I have NEVER been
like that, and that is why I feel I should go to him
one last time and tell him why I was there on
Valentine’s Day. Not only that, I miss him and I love
him and I feel lost without him.

Thoughts, criticisms, witticisms?

Stupid Cupid

 

---

Dear Stupid Cupid,

First, I want to say that it sucks to love someone and not have them return
the feeling. But I must say I got a little lost along this reminiscent
journey. Did you and your friend go to his apartment? Did you get to give him
the Valentine? You say it’s still at your house. There’s a lot of detail here that isn’t relevant.

Regardless, it sounds like he needs space. The WORST thing for you to do is
crowd him. No more calls, no more “just in the neighborhood” visits. It’s
that horrible cliché: “If you love someone, set them free. If they love you,
they’ll come back.” (Or something like that.)

One last thought: I am concerned about the fact that he did call Jessica’s
husband to make sure you were with her and then denied it. Trust is of the
utmost importance. Sounds like you both lost it in one another back in
November. Just give him space and time and see what happens.

If it sounds too good to be true, it’s probably Jonesey.

 

Twenty-Nine

 

Oh, pithy goddess of pixelated print, I beseech thee for help.

I’m recently married. This came as quite a shock to me, as I had pictured a
comfortable existence living alone, feeding stray cats, and talking to
myself for the next 40 years or so, but eh, what you gonna do? He’s a good
man. He’s a kind man. He can also be a very good bad man which, as any
girl knows, can be a very good thing. He’s well-educated, funny, and smart.
He is, in a world of scrawny momma’s boys and ex-English majors, a keeper.

I did not enter into this union with dewy-eyed visions of white carpet and a
fainting couch. He is, for no better words, a boy. He farts, belches,
blows his nose farmer-style in the shower, collects comic books, you name
it. We dated for five years and also lived together before we got hitched
so all the dirty secrets about D&D, and Doom, and Death (the series) were
out in the open. This isn’t a problem. Here’s what is.

We’ve been married for nearly ten months now. In that time, he voluntarily
took a lay-off from his position as a county social worker. He then spent
the summer doing odd jobs and keeping up his half of the rent. In September,
his unemployment ran out and he became an independent contractor in the
field of social work. After his first week of work, he came home and
complained to me how much he hated working and gosh, how it was sooo nice
not to over the summer.

Hint, hint.

I replied that yes, it must be wonderful not to have to work, but as
consumers in a capitalist society, welcome to America, my young friend. So
he began to whine. Now, no one wears a whine well, a white,
middle-class man least of all. He also began sleeping late, lazing around
in bed and watching me get ready for my 40-minute commute to another city to
go to work. He began taking the day off or leaving early from his job. So,
come October, he (gasp) has no money, because he has worked less than 20
hours a week for the past month. Now, he proudly tells me he is paying rent
by selling off his beloved miniatures and comics. See, a responsible sort of
guy, in his way. And if there weren’t a background story and if I smoked a
lot of crack, this would all be fine.

However. It isn’t. We are trying to buy a house. We have spent the past
three months looking at houses, pulling our credit reports, and researching
the arcane world of fico ratings, premium pricing, and adjustable rate
mortgages. He wants to buy a house. I want to buy a house. But going to
work is sooooo hard for him. Now you might be thinking, “He’s a social
worker, he’s got a crappy job — back off, woman!” No, his job right now is
talking to community leaders about social services available to them. Not
rescuing kids, not talking down addiction clients, not comforting women from
the shelter. No, he’s drinking coffee, talking about good golfing ranges,
and oh, hey, can I put some flyers up? Cake.

So I’m resenting the fuck out of him right about now. He has one job he
can’t get out of bed for, while I have a full-time job in another city and a
part-time job on the weekends. He says he’s trying, but I’m not seeing much
improvement. What I’m seeing is him going away on the weekends for gaming
conventions with his brother, applying for classes at the local community
college because “Linux is cool!” and growing fat and lethargic. Dear God,
I have married Homer Simpson from the Internet King episode. What the hell
do I do to get him motivated and focused? And yes, the speaking to him
while topless works, but only that first few times, and then it’s just a
Pavlov study. Help me, Sars. You’re my only hope.

Sincerely,

Ms. Beauvoir (nee Simpson)

 

---

Dear Simone —

What do you do to get your husband motivated and focused? Nothing. You’re his partner — not his mommy, not his personal trainer, not his drill sergeant, not his own topless Lou Pearlman.

The minute you begin trying to direct your husband’s behavior, you’re setting yourself up as someone to whom he reports, and he’s going to respond the way anyone else would — by sending the message that you’re not the boss of him. Besides, you don’t want to take that kind of responsibility for the person with whom you’re presumably a partner. You’ll only end up resenting him more.

This brings us to the real problem: you resent your husband. Work on fixing that before fixing anyone else.

Unfortunately, the thing about resentment is that there’s no really satisfying fix for it, so you should just chalk up the whole experience to marital growing pains, learn what you can from it (as in, why do you resent him? Shouldn’t he know about this? What does his response tell you about him or your relationship as a whole?), then let it go. Trying to get emotional reparations from anyone is an exercise in futility.

I agree that your current situation bites, but the only way you’re going to get out of it is by sitting down and talking with your husband. Throw a switch and cut off the electricity, take the phone off the hook, whatever it takes to get together distraction-free — sit down face-to-face, explain that you’ve felt let down because you feel as though he’s not working with you on a mutual goal, and figure out how the two of you can work together to recover the ground you lost.

One last note: I strongly suggest picking up What No One Tells The Bride by Marg Stark. It comes in handy at times like these.

So does Lisa Schmeiser.

 

Twenty-Eight

 

Having read all of your columns and laughed my ass off at most of them (while saying to myself “yes, oh god yes! I’m not the only one!”), I figured you might have the answer to my little problem.

I have a beautiful all-white neutered male cat, about six years old and weighing fourteen pounds. He was the only animal in my household until I bought a house a year and a half ago. After I got the house, I just had to get a dog (couldn’t have one in the apartment I used to live in). I went to my local shelter and picked out a nice mixed-breed mutt girl, who came already spayed, and she weighs in at 52 pounds. After I got her home, there was the expected hissing and hiding from the cat, but they eventually came to an agreement about the whole relationship and I was quite happy.

However, for about the last two months, the cat has decided to start — how shall I nicely put this — demonstrating his intense affection for the dog? The dog is pretty laid-back about it all, and doesn’t much seem to care. I find it amusing, yet am worried that the cat will decide to show his affection in front of guests. I have searched all over the internet for information on this, and even asked my vet, who’s answer was, “Wow, it’s usually the other way around, boy dogs doing that, gee, I dunno.”

So, do you have any answers or know of any websites that might shed more information on this odd yet amusing situation? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

The Humpty Dance is (my cat’s) chance to do the Hump! Do the Humpty Hump!

 

---

So the “smile on your brother” speech with the cat and dog worked a bit
too well, and now the cat’s doing scenes from Deliverance. But really,
that doesn’t seem to be the real problem. You specifically said that
you’re worried they’ll do this “in front of guests.” I have a hard
time understanding this; I mean, if I had a dinner party, and everyone
came away with a story like that, that’s a successful party. But that’s
just me. I’m often willing to endure things that might not be pleasant
in the moment, but make great stories later.

But enough about me — you’d like to stop the behavior, and in fact, I
think I can help you there. You’re not concerned for either of your
pets’ health in this matter, and the behavior itself in somewhat innocuous.
You just want to shield your friends from the Wild Kingdom moment.
This doesn’t require complex solutions like kitty menopause pills, or
some kind of feline anti-Viagra. It just requires a bit of training.

Train a cat? Yes.

Cats have trained us well to believe that they have no real long-term
memory; no matter how many times you clap loudly when they claw the
carpet, you know they’ll be back at it soon enough, always giving you
that “…what?” look. But they do have a memory. I have trained cats to cease poor behaviors
with something you can buy almost anywhere, and it costs only a couple
bucks.

A water pistol.

In my experience, after a couple of episodes with a simple squirt
gun, the mere sight of said device is enough to make a cat scram. You
can even add more Pavlovian drama to the exercise with some specific
sound you make while squirting. So, next dinner party, make sure
you’ve already made it clear to the cat that making the dog his bitch is
a no-no, and keep the squirt gun handy. Should you notice the cat
“cruising” at any time during the evening, make your little noise, and
surreptitiously wave the gun at him. This ought to be enough to send
him back to his favorite hiding spot high in the closet…as it were.

No matter how many times Sars spritzes him, Adam Savage just won’t stay off the freakin’ counter.

 

Twenty-Seven

 

Dear Sarah:

I have no idea why I think a complete stranger can
give me the advice I need on this, but I usually agree
with the answers you give, AND you have the same name
as my one-year-old daughter, so what the heck…

I am in a massive job dilemma. My background is the
law — I am a non-practising member of the bar in the
jurisdiction I live in. As soon as I completed my
articles, I knew there was no way I ever wanted to
practice — the part I love is the research and
analysis, not the adversarial schtick. Not having a
clue what to do once I made that decision, I lucked my
way into my current job, where I’ve been for almost four
years.

We are a small information management/web
design company. I have worked my way into a VP
position. Basically, I manage all the projects we do,
and do a very limited amount of monitoring of
legal/policy type stuff in my area of interest
(environment). In some ways I have a perfect job. I
work at home (yay pajamas!), I have complete control
over my job, no one stands over me or tells me what to
do, I am able to spend a significant amount of time
with my aforementioned one-year-old, I don’t have to
commute, I’ve given away most of my suits…you get
the idea. And most recently my bosses kindly agreed
to let me drop my work week down to 30 hours for the
same pay, since I am having a hard time getting in 40
hours with the minimal amount of childcare I use.

So what is my problem? Boredom. I can’t remember the
last time I learned something new. We also recently
lost the majority of the people who worked in my city
and who were my “team” — the people I’ve worked with
since day one. All of the new hires have been in
another city and I have little or no connection with
them, so in many ways it just isn’t the same job
anymore.

All of this was just something to kick around in my
bored little brain until I received a job posting in
my in-box that was essentially (on paper anyways) the
exact job I would create for myself if I could wave a
magic wand, substance-wise. It is basically all of
the research and analysis my little heart could desire
in my exact area of interest. I stared at it for two
days and simply could not talk myself out of applying,
so I did. And now I have an interview, and I’m
starting to hyperventilate.

While the substance of this job is right up my alley,
it means a lot of major lifestyle changes, not the
least of which would be putting my daughter in
full-time daycare. Who would do that when she had a
perfectly good alternative? What kind of a shitty
mom would I be to impose an out-of-the-house forty-hour
suit-wearing commuting daycare-needing life on myself
just because I am a little bored and lonely?

Now of course there is no guarantee I would even be
offered the job just because I have an interview, but
what if? And worse yet, what if I was offered the job,
but at the last minute decided I just couldn’t do it
(I also harbour a HUGE amount of guilt over the
prospect of quitting my current job — the downside of
a small company with great bosses…). I am also
afraid that if I refused an offer, it would preclude me from
ever applying there again.

Right now, I am considering withdrawing my application
and hoping that the job comes up again in a year or two and
I haven’t been out of the field so long no one would
consider hiring me, but I’m not sure if that’s just
because I am a chickenshit and afraid of change or
because that is the rational thing to do in the
situation.

Help. Any objective advice would be appreciated.

Yours,

Not Normally Indecisive

 

---

Dear Not Normally Indecisive,

Take some deep breaths and try to relax. As you said
yourself, you haven’t even gotten the job, so right
now this decision is purely hypothetical. Getting bent
out of shape over a decision you might not even have
to make is wasting a lot of energy that you could be
using toward more productive things.

First off, don’t withdraw your application. It would
be cutting off your nose to spite your face, simply
because you’re afraid of the decision you might have
to make. You have no idea what could happen when you
go in for that interview. You could hate them. They
could hate you. Or it could be such a mutual love-fest
that they agree to let you work from home after a
certain amount of time in the office, so you could have
an even better situation than the one you have now.
But you’ll never know unless you go in and talk to
them.

Once that boat’s in the water, and if you get an
offer, you will have very tough decision to make. Make
no mistake: A lot of things will change, and change,
even if it’s for the better, is never easy. Your
situation now is outstanding, and it does offer you
some enormous benefits, i.e. staying at home with
your child rather than putting her in daycare. On the
other hand, having a bitter and crabby parent around
all the time who secretly resents the fact that she
didn’t take an amazing job when she had the chance
doesn’t sound much better than daycare, frankly. Take
some time out, separate yourself from your chattering
mind and ego, and see what your gut tells you. If you
get a deep, nagging sense of absolute wrongness at the
thought of leaving your daughter, don’t take the job.
If you start to hyperventilate and feel panic at the
thought of missing this job opportunity, take the job.
And if this hypothetical job offer doesn’t pan out,
other opportunities will come along. It may feel like
this is the last train to get out of Clarksville, but
that’s not the case.

Also, don’t worry about any sense of “disloyalty” to
your current bosses. It sounds like you’ve done a
great job and they’ve appreciated your work. Sounds
like a mutually beneficial relationship, and any guilt
you’re having is your Inner Nice Girl trying to make
you do something that feels wrong, but would make
everyone else happy. You do what you have to do, and
as long as no one gets hurt, you’re well within your
rights.

But first, you have to get the job. So keep your
application in, and keep your chin up.

Manimal once took a job that required her to stare at Amanda Peet. Repeatedly.

 

Twenty-Six

 

I have a little problem, and I was hoping you could
give me an outsider’s perspective on the situation,
since all of my friends are also friends with the
person at the center of the issue. Here’s the deal.

I’m a sophomore in college and, as I’m sure you can
imagine, living in the dorms is driving me crazy. So
my current roommate, a friend of ours, and I decided
to get an apartment for next year. My roommate (Mary
Kat) and my friend (Liz) will be leaving during the
spring semester, so I’ll have to find someone else to
room with then. We were supposed to sign the lease on
Monday, but we held off so I could make sure I
would be able to handle that.

Well, last night, Liz comes into the room and tells us
that she won’t be able to get the apartment with us
after all. Of course, Mary Kat and I are pissed.
There’s no way the two of us can afford the apartment
now, and it’s too late to get a dorm room because the
raffle was last week. So, basically, Liz has left the
two of us homeless. (She has a room because she signed
up for one last week “just in case,” without bothering
to tell Mary Kat and me that we might want to have a
“just in case” as well.)

Now to the good stuff. I don’t know if I can ever be
friends with Liz again, because she’s betrayed my
trust. She led me to believe that she would be in on
the apartment, and I trusted her to do just that.
Instead, she’s left us high and dry and she has the
nerve to be mad at us.

So I guess the question is, am I being a bitch about
this? Should I forgive Liz and pretend it never
happened, or should I not speak to her for a while and
hope I get over it? It’s hard for me to tell whether or
not I’m overreacting, because I tend to be not only
quick-tempered, but very stubborn. Is it unreasonable
for me to say that I don’t want to have her as a
friend anymore? I’d appreciate your take on the
situation.

A Disgruntled (Ex?) Friend

 

---

Dear Disgruntled —

No, you are absolutely not being a bitch about this. Ditch her as a friend
and don’t look back. Believe me — I have been dicked over every which way
but loose in the housing department from many different ex-friend culprits,
and this sort of behavior absolutely justifies a complete freeze-out. The
worst (and most telling) part about this situation is that she signed up for
the raffle and got another room a week before she even told you that she
wasn’t going to get the apartment with you. This is called being a chickenshit. Chickenshits are sucky friends.

I mean, she might have had legit reasons for not wanting to get the
apartment with you, but she should have had the balls to tell you in time
for you to sign up for the room raffle too. The reality was that she knew
you would probably not be too happy when you found out, and she did not want
to face that quick-temper that you admitted to having, so she lamed out and
told you at the last possible minute when it was too late to do anything
about it.

Having a famously short temper myself, I have come to the realization that I
need friends who can handle my screaming and yelling because they also know
that it will be over in two minutes and everything will be fine. Not only
was this chick lame in her behavior, but it just sounds like you guys don’t
mesh. I would say that you should stop being friends with her and set the
precedent that people who fuck with you get the old heave-ho. It took me
until the ripe old age of 29 to figure this rule out, but since I have, I
gotta tell ya that my life has gotten a lot less complicated!

Hope this helps.

Let’s just say that Bean originally submitted this response in all-caps.

 

Twenty-Five

 

Dear Sarah,

I’m writing because I am frustrated with my girlfriends and am not quite
sure how to handle the situation. We are all college graduates, gainfully
employed, some are engaged, others in healthy relationships or playing the
field…so what’s the problem? They are OBSESSED with food. They cannot
eat a nibble of anything without discussing it to death. We have been
friends since junior high and this has been a running theme, but I expected
them to grow out of it eventually. (For reference, I am the “largest” and a
size 8/10.)

What’s the deal with women and food? Do I just place the blame at society’s
feet and walk away? What happens when these women want to have babies
someday? Is there a sensitive but firm way that I can put the kibosh on
all the weight/food talk?

It’s driving me crazy, and I’m afraid I’m going to explode at the next book
club meeting. Either eat the second half of the low-fat whole wheat bagel
or don’t, but STOP OBSESSING ABOUT IT!

Please help.

Not Ally McBeal

 

---

Dear Not Ally McBeal,

Although it would be easy to place the blame at society’s feet and walk
away, this is not the case. The obsession about food is not really about
food, if that makes any sense. Take the neurotic behavior or focus away from
the food, and something else will surface. When the media places an emphasis on
physical appearance, the door to obsess about food is wide open. Once the
underlying issues behind the food obsession are cleared up, guess what — so
is the food obsession.

Why does your friends’ obsession about food bother you so much? Your best
bet is to let it go. The more power you give the situation, the more
powerful the situation becomes. Perhaps you could educate yourself about
nutrition, how the human body assimilates food, and what effect different
foods have on the system. Accelerating the metabolism is a simple thing to
do once you know how, and starving yourself only slows the metabolism down.
Lead by example, and life is good!

Got a food or fitness question? Paul Bunting can help.

 

Twenty-Four

 

Sars,

Since you seem to know a lot about cats, and I’ve always thought of
myself as a “dog person,” I have a feline dilemma that you might be able
to help with.

My boyfriend has two cats. They are about two and a half
years old. Cooper is male and has always been quite timid and shy. Jezebel
is a female and has always been dominant and outgoing. My boyfriend’s
roommate is allergic to cats,
so I offered to take Cooper to my house (I have two roommates). After a
few days of pathetic meowing, he got REALLY comfortable at my place. He
came out of his shell, and was really affectionate. At my boyfriend’s,
he hid under the bed all day and was anti-social. Meanwhile, at my
boyfriend’s, poor Jezebel seemed to be a lonely mess.

Recently, my
roommates decided to move into a condo for free (I would, too, if I had
the chance), and I am moving in with my boyfriend. We thought that
Cooper and Jezebel would be happy to see each other again, but this was
not the case. When we brought Cooper home, Jezebel hissed and swatted him
immediately! And Cooper instantly
reverted back to the timid little bitch he’d been before moving to my
place. My roommates really would like Cooper to move into the condo
with them, but for my own selfish reasons, I said no.

So, Sars,
should I keep Cooper at my boyfriend’s, where he hangs out under the bed
all day, or should I give him up to my roommates, where he’ll be
outgoing and affectionate again? And why is he so different at my house
than he is at my boyfriend’s?

Cat Woman

 

---

Dear Cat Woman,

As one of the official “Cat Ladies” around these parts, I feel qualified
to answer your question. First of all, you identified yourself as a
“Dog Person,” and that might get right to the heart of the matter. You
seem to know what will make your cat happy, but you don’t care. So the
question seems to be, “Will two cats learn to like each other?”

Cats are pack animals and are used to living in groups. One will become
the dominant, aggressive one, and one will probably be the submissive.
That’s how packs work. It’s how a lot of relationships work. One’s
bossy; one’s meek. One picks the restaurants; one silently complains
that they never go where she or he wants to eat. One initiates sex; the
other waits around for it. Cats are like that, too.

So, just like in a relationship, unless Cooper suddenly starts singing
“I Will Survive” or takes down Jezebel in some 9 To 5 homage, I’m not
sure when you’ll get a frisky Cooper again. That’s probably how those
two will interact for the time being. Of course, relationships change,
and they may grow to enjoy each other’s company more and more over time.
Cooper might become the aggressor if Jezebel gets sick, or if another
animal or a baby is introduced to the house. Or if you and your
boyfriend break up, one of the cats might become the “protector.” That
might be why they weren’t so happy to see each other again. Once they
had figured out their own roles in their new homes, you changed it up
again. They’re confused and don’t know how to deal with each other.

You know, it really doesn’t matter. As long as you refer to Cooper as a
“timid little bitch,” I doubt he’s going to want to rub on your leg,
anyway. Moving is scary and traumatic for animals. It’s not like
Cooper’s going to see the entire thing as a homecoming party. Give the
cat time. If you don’t like his behavior, let him live with the people
that make him happier. If you love something, set it free. If it’s
happier with the new person, it was never love anyway.

Just like in a relationship.

Wait a minute, are you trying to get rid of your boyfriend’s cat? I
just realized that. Shouldn’t this be your boyfriend’s decision? Or
are you the Jezebel in this relationship?

Quit trying to give Pamie away. She ain’t going.

 

Twenty-Three

 

Sars —

Okay, I’m going to try to sum this up, but it’s a long one.
Early scene setting: Girlfriends meet in preschool. Friends go to school
together for twelve years. Have usual ups and downs of school, emerge better for
it, friendship intact. Part for college, stay in touch, finish college,
start work/grad school. That would be me and Sharon.

My best friend Sharon and I have been friends for 20-plus years. She’s a
teacher, and makes a decent living. However, for the last seven years
(through our college years and in the three years since), Sharon has been
dating Craig, who is two years her senior, a high-school dropout who
aspires, at the age of 27, to break into the world of professional baseball.
We live in the midwest, and nowhere near a place where he could practice
regularly and become good. Not to mention that he’s a little past his prime for
starting a sports career.

Sharon supports Craig. He smokes pot all day, won’t get himself to work on
time to bus tables, and pays less than a quarter of the rent for their apartment.
He doesn’t even have a checking account, because “he’d be forced to be
responsible with it.”
He knows if he stopped smoking dope, he could get a job that paid much more,
but because he’d have to pass a “drop test,” he won’t do it. He doesn’t want
to give up the weed. He and Sharon fight about it constantly, and he seems
unconcerned about the burden she bears in supporting his sorry ass. Of
course, she continues to do it, so I suppose perhaps he shouldn’t be
concerned.

Sharon’s parents are very generous with their money, and give Craig all they
can give him, including a car and generous “loans” that will likely never
be repaid. They don’t care for him and feel that their daughter could do
much better, but they don’t want to drive a wedge between themselves and
their daughter, so they take little stabs at her/him/them, but don’t get
very far. Seven years of the Sharon/Craig relationship has her parents
rolled over and playing dead, because confronting Sharon about it in the
past has lead to some ugly results. Of course, they know nothing about
Craig’s “habit,” and if they did, they would raise Cain.

There’s the long story. And you know what question is coming:
I love Sharon, she is my best friend. She’s in a bad relationship with a
guy who (in my opinion) is using her and abusing her trust, her money, and
her benevolence. She knows the situation is bad, but she’s “not ready to
leave.” Do I leave it alone? Am I obligated, as her friend, to express how happy
I’d like to see her be, or how happy she could be without him? What about
the drugs? I’m close enough with her parents that I almost feel obligated
to talk with them about it, but I know it could, quite possibly, explode in
my face. I want my friend to be happy, she’s not. I think she’s settling,
in a way, I believe she thinks she’s settling, too.

I think I know what to
do, but your sage advice is requested…until then, I will keep my
usually flapping jowls shut.

Mysteriously Mute

 

---

Dear Mute,

Ah, when to butt in. It’s a classic.

To my eye, there are four good reasons to butt into the life of a friend who is an adult. First: You are looking to avert physical danger that is at least semi-imminent. Second: You suspect impaired functioning due to illness. Third: You are planning to end the friendship because of something your friend is doing, and thus have nothing to lose. Fourth: You have critical-level facts your friend genuinely needs in order to make an informed decision. (Note that it has to be actual information — her boyfriend hits on you incessantly, her boyfriend is a heroin addict, her boyfriend is stealing all her money — and not your enlightened opinion about facts she already has.)

The classic “my friend is dating a creep” issue generally doesn’t fall into these categories except in special cases. If you and your friend have the same information — he’s a pothead, he’s a shiftless bum, he’s a bad baseball player — and you think she should dump him, and she won’t, all you’d be doing in butting in is telling her she should weigh the facts differently, essentially using your value system instead of hers. She’s not staying with him because she doesn’t know as much as you do, or because she doesn’t know how you feel — she undoubtedly does. She’s doing it because, for whatever reason, she weighs the situation differently than you would. If she’s an adult, that’s going to be her call in the end. This is especially true in a case like yours, where she’s already bickering with him about the pot and the lazy-ass lying around and all of that. She knows the situation perfectly well; quite frankly, you have nothing to add.

As for telling her parents, NO. What are you hoping will happen if you tell them? Her parents will cut her off until she dumps him, and this will motivate her to do so? Her parents will refuse to have anything to do with him? Given the “ugly results” you cite, you already know that won’t work. You already know that if her parents make her choose between them and him, she’ll choose him. (And you know, by the way, that this also suggests that if you make her choose between you and him, she’ll choose him again.) There is, as I read this situation, absolutely no upside whatsoever to tattling to Sharon’s parents, beyond the very, very temporary satisfaction you might personally get from watching him subjected to Mom and Dad’s wrath. Run, don’t walk, from this option.

There’s no question that it hurts to watch people you care about make bad choices. Unfortunately, though, there is often (well, usually) nothing you can do to change it. As in all things, your own behavior is really the only thing you can control. I’d stay out of it, hope for the best, be the best friend you can, and leave it at that.

Everything Miss Alli knows about butting out, she learned from The Vine.

 

Twenty-Two

 

Sars, you rock. Sorry this is so long…

My mother was separated from my father in August of last year, and the
divorce has recently become final. She also met a very nice man (at the
opera!) last month, and was married to him within three weeks. He has been
divorced for ten years.

She has two kids, me (25) and my brother (19). I have been on my own since
I was 21 and now have a job and own my own home. My brother is in college
and lives with me; my parents each pay half of his tuition and room/board.
He also has a part-time job to pay for his incidentals.

My stepfather has six kids, from 18 to 31. Two of them are very happy for
their father, but the other four are very concerned and angry and
disappointed. They are afraid that their father does not really know my
mother, that my mother is only after him for his money, and that my mother is
going to force him to take care of me and my brother.

Now I cannot say that their fears are unfounded, because after all, the
marriage was rather precipitous. In fact, I expressed the same concerns to
my mother when she first told me that she was engaged. But her husband
really is a nice man, and after all, it’s her life and not mine. Also, I
know my mother. She has PLENTY of her own money and would never expect my
stepfather to take care of her kids.

It’s my feeling that these kids are projecting. Out of the four that are
upset, three still live with their mother — the 18-year-old, who is in
her last year of high school, a 26-year-old girl, and a 31-year-old “boy.”
If anyone should be concerned about their parent being forced to take care
of their spouse’s kids, it should be me and my brother!

I’m not entirely sure what they’re worried about, except maybe that now
their daddy won’t live three blocks from them anymore and they won’t be able
to call him day or night or borrow his car on the spur of the moment. Or
maybe it’s that when he dies, they won’t get their due inheritance (and
excuse me if I think it’s creepy to wait for someone to die so that you
can get their money).

Anyway.

I am wondering if maybe I should reach out to these kids by giving them a
phone call or writing a letter, to assuage their fears. I want to tell
them that my mother is a very nice, upright, moral lady who has the best
of intentions, loves their father, and would never ask for a dime of his
money for her kids — nor we even accept his money. Frankly, we have our
own father, and do not need another.

I think they would feel a lot better if they relaxed and actually met my
mom, or even just tried to at least be happy for their father. Perhaps if
they concentrated on their own lives instead of worrying overmuch about
the lives of others?

Or should I just stay out of it?

Sigh.

Kinda Fed Up With Those Brats

 

---

First, let me say that messy family situations are the worst!

The first thing that jumps out at me about your letter is that you have obviously spent a lot of time figuring out how these “kids” (and they are all legally adults) feel about your mother, your brother, and you, but you never actually give any evidence to show how you know they feel that way. Has your mother told you? Have they told you? Or have you just made a lot of assumptions based on the fact that they are taking a while to warm up to your mother? That wasn’t really clear to me, so I suspected the latter, especially since you seem to have strong feelings about how they “call him day or night or borrow his car on the spur of the moment.”

But assuming that you have something more to go on than your own suspicions, here’s the thing. Both your stepfather’s kids and you and your brother are all adults (even if some of them still live with their mother). We’re not talking about a group of bratty twelve-year-olds who are forced to live with their evil stepmonster. You can’t control how they react to your mother, although I can understand your desire to protect her feelings. And to be honest, it sounds like the whole marriage did happen kind of quickly, so it’s understandable that the kids might have some resentment. Plus, they have a whole history with their father that you don’t know about — you’ve only known the guy for a month, and while he might seem like the nicest guy in the world to you, heaven only knows what kinds of daddy issues his children have.

So my advice is this: If the kids really are being bratty and inconsiderate to your mother, be the grown-up in this situation. Your mother is a big girl and I’m sure she can handle herself. I think it would be a really nice gesture of you to reach out to the gang, but not to hash out this issue. Not yet. Just get to know them, and let them get to know you. Maybe take them on one at a time, starting with the one with whom you have the most in common. Take him or her out to lunch or something. I think that in this case, actions will speak louder than words — telling them that your family is really swell won’t work as well as showing them that your family is really swell. I’m sure a lot of their problems stem from fear of the unknown, so make yourself known, and the fear will go away. If the problem continues in a year’s time or so, then you might broach the subject with one or more of them, but I think it’s a bit soon for that.

If that doesn’t work, chase the dog across the lawn and knock over the wedding cake. Hey, it worked for the Brady Bunch!

Kim is the sole proprietor of Fresh Hell, and has been wanting to use the world “stepmonster” for some time now.

 

Twenty-One

 

Sars,

Thanks for taking the time to read the letter. You once gave my husband some good job advice, and I hope you’ll be able to help me. It sounds like you’ve got a good grasp of office politics, and might have faced a situation like this before.

I’m a librarian, and a damn good librarian at that. I like my job a lot, and I’ve worked really hard to be good at what I do. I pride myself on being innovative and up-to-date and on having a good rapport with the kids I work with (I’m a Young Adult specialist). I’ve gotten a lot of recognition for the work I’ve done, and feel like I’m making a difference.

The problem is my boss. She was promoted from Adult Reference to be the YA supervisor right after I was hired as the YA specialist. She’s a librarian too, but not a very good one. And she knows it. She doesn’t like children, especially not teenagers, which is a real disadvantage when you run the YA department. She hasn’t kept current, and has an almost pathological fear of doing anything new or of making a decision. She’s snarky and rude. She is easily the most disorganized person I have ever met, and to top it all off, she’s a culture snob. (One of my favorite activities is talking about Buffy and watching the look of abject horror on her face.) I don’t like her, and she doesn’t like me. Thus far I’ve been lucky to have a lot of institutional support, so despite her objections, a lot of what I suggest gets done, with good results. This hasn’t helped our relationship much, or made her like me any better, but it has been good for the library.

She and I don’t mesh on a personal level, okay. So she’s disorganized and incapable of making a decision. Fine. Bad bosses come with being a grown-up, I understand that. However, in the two months since I’ve been back from maternity leave, her attitude towards me has gone from dislike to something more active. All of a sudden, it seems she is deliberately trying to undermine me. My press releases “accidentally” don’t get set out. She “forgets” that I have a program scheduled and gives away my meeting space. She “inadvertently” deletes the email I sent her with vital information, then chews me out (publicly) for not getting it to her. When we present to school groups together, she “loses track of time” and doesn’t give me a chance to speak. “Forgetting” to budget money for programs — things like that.

At first I chalked this up to her typical lack of organization, but she doesn’t make these “mistakes” with anybody else. If I try to pick up her slack (i.e. send out my own press releases), the hostility level gets turned up, and I get lectured. I can’t really go to her supervisor, since they are close friends as well as being co-workers, and any concerns I have get brushed aside.

So I guess my question is, what do I do? I was hired to create new library programs and collections to attract a teen audience to the library. I’ve done that, and will continue to do so, but it feels like I’m being set up to fail. Any advice would be appreciated.

The Nice Librarian

 

---

Speaking from the perspective of someone with an almost embarrassing amount of experience with day jobs and contentious bosses (administrator of this esteemed website excluded), I feel particularly qualified to tackle this one. And the solution is simple: This woman needs to be killed.

Oh, wait, the law. I forgot all about the law. Let her live. The prison library doesn’t need you that badly.

Clearly, this woman is threatened by you and your expertise. She’s out of her league in YA, so she’s pulling a schoolyard-bully routine to cover what are doubtless her own inadequacies in the field. To that end, the truly ethical thing to do –- taking the problem directly to her -– might not be a viable option in the current distrustful climate. In fact, here are three things you might actively want to avoid at this point:

*Talking to her. No one wants to be called out for unprofessional behavior, and you’re so convinced that she has it out for you on a personal level that any concerns you try to address with her will, no matter how rational, come across as paranoid and delusional.

*Going over her head. See above paranoid and delusional argument, seeing as your boss has her boss in her hip pocket.

*Talking to others. This is the most dangerous trap fellow officemates fall into, I find. When times are tough and everyone hates the boss, the inevitable bonding ritual of bitching to co-workers provides a dangerous form of release. Particularly for ladder-climbers trying to get into a position where they’re not working for this woman anymore, anything you say can be quoted as malicious office gossip and used as ammunition to turn the tables and make you look like the unprofessional one.

So what to do, then? Keep working, and keep working your best. What this woman doesn’t like about you is how good you are at your job and the respect you garner from your co-workers, so it doesn’t sound like she can bring you down single-handedly. Go back to Office Maintenance 101 and multi-task the hell out of your job. Write a release. Show your boss. Then show her boss. Show your co-workers. Show the kids in the library. Save a copy of EVERYTHING you give her, including keeping a log of sent emails both online and in print, so that you can follow your own paper trail and call her out -– albeit in a professional way -– when she’s the one who screwed up. I know it seems patently unfair that you have to increase your workload to stave off your boss’s attempts to thwart you, but the better job you do, the closer you come to working for someone else, somewhere else.

And she doesn’t like Buffy. So she gets absolutely no props from me.

Djb is currently on assignment in Scotland.

 

Twenty

 

Sars,

Here’s my problem. I love my sister very much and would go to the ends of the
earth for her. She has been attached to this dude whom I refer to simply as
“Fuckwit” for about three or four years now. He treats her soooo badly and
has zero respect for her from where I stand. As far as I can tell, he
uses her for sex and doesn’t have the time of day for her otherwise. He has
broken her heart a zillion times. And she’s still with him. Every time he
dumps her, or shoots her down, or is just a general asshole to her, she
takes him back. Why? Because she loves him. Go figure.

Myself and a few of
my family have tried many times to lead her towards the light, and everyone
but myself seems to have given up and left her to it. I don’t want to do
that, but I can feel myself getting there real quick. I’ve had enough of
listening to her cry every time he treats her bad; it breaks my heart and I
don’t know how much longer I can keep on doing it. Every time, it’s all “okay”
like two days later. But it never is for long. I’m at the end of my rope.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can help her see him for what he really
is before I lose the energy to help her completely?

Heeeelp —

Across The Sea

 

---

Sure. You’ll need a very large box, a stick you can use to prop it up, and
some string. Put something your sister really likes under the box, and when
she goes to pick it up…

Well, okay, the answer is actually no. Sorry.

Since you don’t mention her age, I assume your sister is an adult. So treat
her like one. You don’t like this guy because he tells her what to do and
has no respect for her. And when you try to “lead her to the light,”
you’re…telling her what to do, and showing no respect for her ability to
make decisions. You don’t agree with the decisions she’s making, and I don’t
blame you for that, but you can’t change her mind for her. Besides, Fuckwit
must know that her relatives have been badmouthing him, and he’s probably
responding in kind, so you’re just giving him more ammunition.

I know it sucks, but the rest of your family has the right idea. Next time
she wants sympathy, you might point out that if she doesn’t like the way
Fuckwit behaves, she should be talking to him about it, not you. Because you
can’t do anything about it.

Strega has known more than her share
of Fuckwits. Or maybe she’s just bitter.

 

Nineteen

 

I have, after much soul-searching and stuff, decided to
scratch the itch that has been bugging me for the last couple of years
and move to NYC. ‘Cause I’ve always wanted to, and because my mom sent me a
box of stuff from high school, a fact that is related, but leads to an
awfully banal story, so I’ll skip it, except to say that I’ve given the
matter a great deal of thought of over a reasonable period of time, and yes,
in fact, I’m sure, and have not, contrary to the opinions of many,
completely lost my mind.

The actual move is most likely some months into the future (at least two, I’d
imagine, and more likely three or four). But prior to that, I need some basic-seeming but strangely hard to come by advice. Since you seem bright, cool,
and unlikely to try and sell me something I don’t need.

First, locations, as in where can I work and still get to from where I plan
to live, i.e. Manhattan, or at least somewhere in the city of New York. I have
only the haziest notion of where, say, Cherry Hill NJ or White Plains NY
are, but I’m pretty clear on where Trenton is. And I’m dead certain that
despite what DICE wants you to believe, Trenton is not a suburb of New York,
and neither is Albany, and neither I should think is Atlantic City. But I need to
restrict my job search to places I can reach on public transit, and do so in a
reasonable amount of time, and I don’t know the area well enough to ask MTA
or Metro North or the Long Island Rail Road the right kind of questions.
Besides which, it’s almost always best to speak with someone who’s done it,
or at least seen it done.

Also, I’m likely going to have to finance my own transit to and from
interviews and as such would like to know of any cheap, doesn’t-have-to-be-all-that-nice hotel I can stay in and still make my interviews.

And finally, are there any questions I’m not asking here that I
should be?

Thanks for your time,

James

 

---

Hi James,

Yes, there is one question you aren’t asking that you definitely should be
— “How am I going to go about affording to live in New York City, the most
expensive city in the nation?”

I assume you’re planning on getting a job,
but those sorts of wistful “independent film assistant,” “gallery
assistant,” and “coffee jerk” positions that figure so heavily in TV these
days are in fact, exactly the sort of jobs that will find you selling your
box of high school stuff for food money, then living in it. No, my dear,
I’m talking about a REAL job, the kind that sucks, the kind you go to every
day 8-6, or 7, or 8, or even longer, because those are the kinds of jobs that
those of us who live here have to do to get by, unless we’re waifish models of
independent means or houseboys to elderly gentlemen. But then again,
that’s work too, so it’s all relative.

The basic fact is that the city was
in the midst of a bad recession before the infamous 11th, and that event
only furthered the economic slide. We all have countless friends out of
work, looking for something to pay the rent. The competition is fierce,
and you should definitely have a job lined up BEFORE moving here. That, and
keep your last $100 for a bus ticket if it doesn’t work out.

You should also
figure that it will cost you at least $1000 a month in rent to live in
Manhattan, and that would be a share someplace in the nether reaches of the
island. Brooklyn, Queens, and Jersey City are all good choices too, but
you’re still talking at least $800 a month, again most likely for a share.
If you don’t know where they are, one word: map — you wipe your own ass in
this town, son. Also, landlords don’t look too kindly on unemployed
applicants, so once again, that old job is going to be the key.

That’s not
to say that you can’t pursue your dream here — by all means, do. But just
plan on having a way to pay the rent while you’re chasing it.

Super Weasel, a.k.a. Big A, is a database porn star by day and a rodeo clown by night.

 

Eighteen

 

Hey, Sars —

Not generally one to ask opinions of someone else, but I’m rather stuck in
the middle at the moment and have to ask someone this time — it’s too
important for me to just sit on and not do anything about (should something
need to be done), and I’m too personally involved.

Long story very short — my father’s mother has recently (last 3-4 months)
moved into an assisted living facility out of state, where she was raised.
He, along with one of his sisters, hold control of her health-care proxy and
have managed with quite a bit of success to back her doctor into a corner —
said doctor informs them of any and all medical issues with her, not my
grandmother.

Now, she’s in full control of her faculties — sharper than most tacks I’ve
stepped on, so it’s not an issue of her not being able to make decisions for
herself. And apparently, she’s not doing well by any medical standpoint,
though is still getting around fairly well and feels fine. To sum up —
the doctor has informed my father and aunt that the cancer she’d had in the
past has returned, is spreading, and she likely only has a few months to
live, at best.

The question comes in here — they refuse to tell her. She knows she’s had
all these tests, but they’ve only told her that she “came through with
flying colours,” et cetera. They think it’s kinder to her to simply not let
her know and to have her up and die one of these days (well…not that she’ll
be walking down the street and just keel over, but still). I think she’s got every
right to know her medical condition so she can make any preparations she may
wish to, do anything she’s capable of that she may have never had the chance
to do but always longed to, yadda yadda yadda. We’re going to visit in a
week and a half, and it’s starting to create a fairly strong rift in the
family.

Now, I certainly don’t want her to sulk over it until she passes away by
any means, but I don’t know that I can conscience holding something of that significance from her either. On the other hand, there’s the long-standing
rift that would likely be created in the family should I opt to inform her
of it. I’ve been tossing it around for some time now, and simply can’t
conclude which winds up being the lesser loss — there’s no real “win” here.

Fatally Confused

 

---

Dear Confused,

First of all, I feel awful for you having to be in this situation, and I know that
there’s probably nothing I can say to make this whole ordeal easier for you,
so I won’t patronize you by trying.

Yes, your grandmother should be told of her situation. She’s not a family
pet, whose hair you stroke while you speak to her in soothing tones when the
doctor puts her to sleep. She’s a human being, and regardless of whether or
not it will make her feel bad or sulk or cry or curse God, she has an
absolute right to know what is going on within her own body. She may decide
to accept it with grace; she may try to fight the cancer; she may respond in
any number of ways, and that’s her right, assuming she is in control of her
faculties.

Now just because your grandmother should be told, that doesn’t mean it’s
your responsibility to do so. The person who has really dropped the ball
here is your grandmother’s doctor. It’s natural for your father and aunt to
want to try to protect your grandmother from the worst. That’s why it often
becomes the doctor’s responsibility as the objective professional to assure
that a patient’s rights and needs are protected. Having the power to make
decisions regarding your grandmother’s care is not the same as having
control over what information the doctor tells her. In fact, I’m not sure if
this is all entirely legal, but I know very little about how these
health-care proxies work.

What I would do first would be to sit Dad down and try to get him to
understand the reasons why you feel your grandmother has the right to know
that she’s dying. No doubt it’s going to be a very difficult conversation,
assuming you haven’t had one of them already. Point out that ignorance is
not going to protect your grandmother from any physical pain and suffering
as the cancer progresses. I don’t know anything about the nature of her
cancer, but I think it’s very naive of them to assume that she’s just going
to shuffle off this mortal coil in her sleep. If the cancer’s progression
causes her physical suffering, she’s going to want to know why. If they
refuse to tell her what’s really going on, wouldn’t that just confuse and
frighten her further? How is this all making her passing easier? Mention the
arguments you presented in your letter as well. Also, find out if your
grandmother ever said anything to him to indicate that she didn’t want to
know if she were dying. It would be awful to have this whole battle, only to
find out that they’re actually doing just what she wanted.

If you don’t have any luck convincing your father, then I would turn to the
doctor. Find out what medical ethical guidelines in your state cover these
situations, and determine whether or not he has a responsibility to inform
your grandmother of her medical condition. Confront him on the matter if
you’ve got any sort of proof. If he’s still resistant, get his explanation as to
why he thinks it’s acceptable not to tell your grandmother about the cancer.
If nothing else, it will give you some more insight before you consider
taking the next step.

And that next step would be to tell your grandmother yourself. I don’t think
“avoiding conflict” is a good excuse for withholding information about
somebody’s life expectancy. Yes, your family will definitely resent you for
it, especially since you’ll end up revealing an outright lie. But you’re not
responsible for their decisions, and if they try to lay a guilt trip on you,
simply refuse to go. I think that once things settle down — and if your
grandmother doesn’t respond as awfully to the news as the rest of your family
thinks she will — the resentment will fade.

Good luck, and don’t give up hope on your grandmother just yet.

Shack tells home truths to all age groups at Bitch Panic.

 

Seventeen

 

i have been a long-time reader of your page — it is great, and brings me a
plethora of throaty laughter while i am work. thank you for that. but i am
writing because i am a hopeless sad sack that could use some advice. and at
this point i think my friends are ready for a proverbial cigarette when it
comes to dealing with my problems…whoo.

so here it goes…men. men are the problem. i just got out of a three-year relationship in
november, and before i knew it i was in another one almost the next day. of
course i was stupid and didn’t give myself some adequate alone time, but i
thought i was just having fun. well, having fun turned into a major
relationship and i freaked out. so i met this other person at a party and i
don’t think i need to go on, but i broke up with said rebounder and am now
dating the hook-boy. what the hell is my problem?

so now i am feeling iffy about the hook-up boy and just sort of wondering
where it all went wrong and why, as a strong, independent feminist, i can’t
seem to be alone. it is aggravating! what do i do next?

confused and unable to stay alone

 

---

Dear Confused and Unable to Stay Alone (or use upper-case letters or
punctuation),

What, pray tell, is a “plethora of throaty laughter?” I’m having a hard
time getting past that image. And is the fact that your laughter is
“throaty” of special importance? If it weren’t throaty, would it be fake?
What about loud? (I only mention this because if you work at a library,
throaty laughter — particularly a plethora of it — might not be all that
appreciated).

But on to the issue at hand. Men. Men are the problem. Aren’t we always?
For such a seemingly simple creature (sex, sports, cars, beer, sleep.
Repeat.), we sure do seem to play the fall guy a lot, don’t we? Life
would’ve been a lot easier for all of us if Eve hadn’t taken the damn apple.
In order to solve your problem, you need to be willing to admit one simple
thing: Men are not the problem. The problem is you.

Feel better yet? Probably not. But you need to quit blaming men because this
LBS (Lorena Bobbitt Syndrome) becomes more ingrained in your head each time
you go through a break-up or bad encounter. Men become a convenient
displacement of blame, one that you can quickly muster up as a rational
explanation so you can ignore the fact that the one person who holds
the power to avoid these situations is YOU.

Now, I don’t have time (nor you the patience, I would guess) to get into the
whole “angry at your father” angle here — though you might want to consider
reading up on a guy named Freud if you have some free time. For a quick
fix, I would recommend staying away from any/all of the following:
overindulgence in alcohol, Ecstasy, raves, risqué theme parties, cheesy
pick-up lines, and guys with foreign accents. Consider this the first — and
easiest — step towards salvation. Next, find your girlfriends who are happily
married or involved, or single but not overly eager not to be, and spend
more time with them. Curl up on the couch and read a book. Do more things on
your own. As you come to appreciate the value of y-o-u, you’ll feel less
compelled to go manbulance chasing and more content with life in general.
And besides, it’s during these times when that one-in-a-million is most
likely to come walking into your life. Let’s face it — this beats the
one-in-a-local-bar odds that you may have been working with before.

On a final note: You might want to stop calling yourself a “strong,
independent” feminist until you satisfy the meaning of ANY of those three
words. No use adding outraged women to a list of your problems that
already includes men, now, is there?

The All-Male Review satisfies the meaning of a bunch of words, if you know what we mean. And we think you do.

 

Sixteen

 

I’ll try to keep this brief, but it’s a complicated matter.

About a month ago I moved in with my younger sister, which was a
long-planned effort to bring us closer together. She’s going to Australia
soon to study aborigines for a year, I needed a change of scene, and
her former roommate was a steroid-hyped asshole. So, we decided to live
together again for the first time since I was sixteen (six years ago).

When I got there, I immediately began to second-guess this decision for a
few reasons, the primary one being that she is a vegan,
straight-edge, judgmental-while-claiming-not-to-be hypocrite. Meanwhile, I
enjoy cigarettes, random sex, and having a few drinks now and again. Our
lifestyles are completely opposite, and while I have a lot of respect for
her, she fails to offer me the same.

For these reasons, she is not an easy person to talk to or confide in without
feeling completely disapproved of. Who needs that from anyone, let alone a
younger sister? In addition to this is the issue of the guy next door.

He’s this amazingly good-looking, yet down-to-earth, individual who is also
articulate, intelligent, compassionate, and generally nice be with. Sister
has been in love with Neighbor (understandably) for a good long while, and
I’ve offered her many a night’s support during her unrequited love anguish.
Then their relationship began to sour as she became increasingly
disapproving of his affinity for wine and weed. It got to the point where
she told him that she would not assoiciate with him unless he was completely
sober. It is difficult to determine whether his casual drug and alcohol
intake is the true source of her contempt. Either way, they haven’t been as
close since then.

Having a difficult time adjusting to the new city and Sister’s holier-than-thou-ness, I began to spend more time at Neighbor’s. Gradually, I began to
pick up on flattering, yet dangerous signals of interest from him.
Respecting Sister’s feelings for him, I refrained from reciprocating in
the slightest — despite my own level of attraction. I could tell immediately
that this was a potentially explosive situation.

So, having received what seemed like a pretty amazing job offer (of the
too-good-to-be-true variety) a few hours away, I moved out again after a
week. Sister was pissed off and hurt (both very understandable), and
demanded that I explain to her my reasons for leaving. I confessed that I
didn’t feel comfortable in the house (largely due to her eye-rolling and
whatnot), as well as “weirdness between Neighbor and I.” She told me that I
was ridiculous, but acknowledged that I needed to do what I deemed best.

Well, the job was much, much, MUCH less than what I’d been told it would be
and I headed right back to Sister’s, tail between my legs, for lack of
anywhere else to go. Upon my return, Sister claimed to be overjoyed, and
looking forward to trying again. Before I left, I’d offered my furnished
room to a friend of mine who was having a tough time living with her
girlfriend. When I returned, I didn’t want to kick her out, and told her
that we could share the room until she found her own place. This arrangement
was torturous, as she immediately began to do things (like move all my
clothes out of the closet) to piss me off and generally annoy me to no end.

Then everything went to hell. I was spending too much time with Neighbor for
Sister’s taste (even though it was she who refused to associate with us
drunkards), and my “friend” began to meddle by making disparaging comments
about me to Sister. Both of them repeatedly accused me of banging Neighbor,
selfishly disregarding Sister’s feelings for him. I was more or less told to
stop being friends with him, which only pissed me off and made his company
more appealing.

After a few weeks of this, I told “Friend” that I couldn’t take it any more,
and that she had to leave by the end of the month. Sister did not like this
and told me that I had to leave. I was upset beyond words at this
point, crying and crying in my room, wondering how everything had gone so
wrong. Neighbor came over to invite me to dinner at that moment, and in a
fit of tears I told him everything. He was really sweet, doing a fine job of
restoring my sense of innocence in the whole situation. He and my sister never had anything more than a friendship…blah, blah,
blah…they weren’t giving me any credit as a human being…blah, blah,
blah…my sister and friend are just downright paranoid and mean, et cetera…

Meanwhile, I’ve been in touch with a mutual friend of all parties involved
who offered me a place to stay until things cool off on the home front, as
long as that may be. I’ve taken him up on it, and am now on the opposite
coast of all the drama I just described. Phew! So, here’s the punchline,
if you will (why I’m writing for advice in the first place):

On my last night there, I had the most amazingly mind-blowing sexual
encounter in recent memory with Neighbor. Beyond the spectacular sex was an
incredible intimacy that I haven’t felt in a loooonnnng time. He realized
this as well, and was the first to mention it before we went at it again the
next morning. And now the dilemma: I’ve finally gone and done what I’d been
so righteously denying myself for so long — and it was better than I could have
hoped it would be. I don’t feel guilty, but I’m sure that this will be
impossible to hide once I return. (I’m waiting until “Friend” leaves and
I’ve saved up some more money.) I’m afraid that Sister will never forgive
me, and wonder whether she should. I know what my mother would say, and it
doesn’t help. Neighbor is a person that could potentially be one my “The
Ones” (I don’t buy into the fairy-tale only-one-person-meant-for-me crap).
But I’m also not willing to sacrifice my relationship with sister for a
man…what to do, what to do?

I DID try to keep it short, and appreciate any help you may suggest.

Sincerely,

Estranged Sister

 

---

Dear Estranged,

Your instincts are absolutely correct — you shouldn’t sacrifice your
relationship with your sister for a man. But it seems there are a lot of
other emotions in play as well, and you need to take a good hard look at why
the two of you just can’t seem to get along.

It’s obvious that living together doesn’t work for various reasons. Why are
you going back to live there if the two of you share such radically
different lifestyles? The easiest way to avoid the so-called judgmental
attitude of your sister is not to live in the same apartment. Now, I realize
that doesn’t solve the problem, nor does it address what to do about your
burgeoning relationship with her neighbour, but it would give you a breath
of much-needed perspective before you start dealing with what’s really going
on.

Let’s be honest — both of your behaviors seem anchored in something far
deeper than her being a vegan and you wanting a night out here and there.
Add another friend into the picture and the whole situation seems to go from
bad to worse. Be honest with your sister about sleeping with the neighbour.
Explore the real reasons why you did sleep with him — if you did it because
you really care about him, she should forgive you. If you did it to hurt
her, to get back at you for acting childish, or any reason other than caring
about him, you need to be honest with yourself as well.

You and your sister need to sit down for a number of heart-to-heart
discussions about your relationship. There’s a lot going on there, and
dealing with all the primary issues seems to fall by the wayside of all this
other petty stuff. I’m sure your sister loves you, and that you love her
too — that’s the most important part to remember. Rebuilding a
relationship can be painful, but it’s better to get everything out in the
open and concentrate on the real issues.

Once Ragdoll set some boundaries for David E. Kelley, they got along much better. Oh, wait…

 

Fifteen

 

Dear Sars,

Ordinarily I can handle my own issues, but I’m at my wits’ end on this one, and you seem like the sort who would not put up with this kind of crap yourself, so I put before you my problem:

About two years ago, my boyfriend and I went in together on a computer. We got what seemed like a great deal at the time: a decent computer, free internet for three years, tech support, on-site maintenance, all for a not-exorbitant fee. And we were pretty happy, all told, until this past November, when our hard drive died — loudly and dramatically, with lots of whirring and clanging. No problem, we thought, we have a maintenance agreement.

Ha ha ha ha. Little did we know.

When we called tech support, we were told that they were outsourced from another company, and People PC (from whom we bought our “computer”) would need to send them our member information. They submitted a request for the info, and…nothing. Happened. At all. So we called People PC, and wound up in a phone loop — you know, each department sends you to another department, and then the fifth one sends you back to the first one. And no department seems to have any supervisors on duty. Ever. This company has NO ONE in charge.

I’m not asking for a new computer. I’m not asking for a refund. I just want the maintenance agreement that I paid for to be of some use now that I need maintenance.

Can you think of a step that I have missed in dealing with this company? Is it lawsuit time? Help.

Pissed at People PC

 

---

Okay, I’ve got to be honest with you. Your real problem here is the fact that you bought a computer from a company called “People PC” in the first place. Have you never heard of Gateway? Dell? Wang? Hell, I’d rather have my old TRS-80 than a “People PC.”

In any case, speaking as someone who’s spent the better part of his adult life working in a customer service call center, here are some important rules I can give you to remember whenever you call a company with a complaint:

1. The first person you speak to will always be utterly powerless to correct your problem. This doesn’t make them evil or worthy of your scorn, but you also shouldn’t waste too much time explaining things to them. Just ask for a supervisor. If one isn’t available, leave your number, and make specific arrangements to have the supervisor call you back.

2. The second person you speak to (presumably Person #1’s supervisor) is also utterly powerless. They will, however, at least know the phone number of someone who does have power. Kissing Person #2’s ass, distasteful though it may be, is a highly effective tactic. Get this person on your side, and the problem WILL get solved eventually.

3. The most important thing you can do in any situation is to get the full name of EVERY SINGLE PERSON you talk to. Nothing makes a phone agent sit up and pay attention faster than the phrase “Can I get your name again, please?” Once they know you can identify them, they’ll be much more personally invested in solving your problem.

4. Threatening a lawsuit is completely useless (unless you’ve got a really, really good case. You haven’t by any chance lost a limb or any extremities to the hard drive, have you?). The agents have all heard those threat before, sometimes four or five times a day. As soon as you say, “I’m calling my lawyer,” whoever you’re speaking to is just going to put you on mute so he can call over all his friends to hear the rest of your rant.

5. A stern (but polite) letter addressed to the Office of the CEO will get results every time. The CEO will never read it themselves, of course, but when the tech it gets assigned to sees the return address on the inter-office envelope, it will immediately go to the top of the pile.

As for your specific situation, as much as I hate to say it, the best thing you could probably do at this point would be to just take the drive down to your local computer store. Hard drive problems tend to be either completely irreparable, or fairly cheap and easy to fix. It won’t make you feel any less “pissed” about the “people” at “People PC,” but at least you’ll be able to play Minesweep again.

When not recapping hoity-toity shows on HBO, Aaron spends most of his time thanking various deities that his job in customer service no longer requires him to speak to actual customers.

 

Fourteen

 

Dear Sars:

First of all, I love Tomato Nation and Television Without Pity; they are the ultimate feel-good websites with class. Okay, this whole thing is weird for me, but would, perhaps, not be such a big deal to someone else. My friends have given up, so I hope you can sort through this stuff.

Back in July, I met this fantastic guy. Okay, I didn’t meet him exactly; I’ve known him my whole life, but he’s much older than me (he’s 24 and I’m 18), so we’ve never really shared a social circle. We quickly became close friends; we have the same sense of humor and outlook on life and complementary life experiences and personality quirks. He’s in weird place right now; he dropped out of college and quit his job a few years ago, and just stays at home with his parents. I understand there is something off with someone who radically changes a lifestyle like that, but I try to encourage him to fix things without being too pushy. He’s very intelligent and could easily get a job or go back to school, but chooses not to. I feel like part of his reluctance to change anything has to do with his parents’ relationship, and his fear of what will happen if he’s gone. His father seems to be emotionally abusive, but his family is quite religious, and divorce is not an option. He’s a complete sweetie in every way, and tends to feel guilty about things that he has no control over. He is unconditionally supportive of everything I do.

Now here’s the part I need advice on. Where do I stand? I am fairly ambitious, and leaving for a prestigious college in the fall, but am a little terrified of what will happen to him once I’m gone. I am, apart from several of my close friends that I often include in our activities, his only friend. Friends from college and high school have moved on, and it seems as though everyone has given up on him. Add to all that the fact that I’m not sure our relationship is completely platonic anymore (due to some cuddling — God, I’m such a dork!), and I’ve gotten myself into quite a mess. Everyone’s beginning to assume that we are dating, and I truly love him, but the differences in age and place in life make that type of relationship seem insurmountable. Emotionally and socially, he is obviously not much more mature than I am. The fact that he dropped out of normal life so quickly, combined with the fact that I’ve had more life experience than your average suburban teenager, makes it seem, at least to me, that we are equals in almost every sense of the word.

While it physically hurts me to see him in so much pain all of the time, part of me thinks I should run fast and run far. My friends adore him, and that really speaks volumes about his overall character, but I still feel like there is nothing I could ever do to help him, and perhaps this relationship is unhealthy for both of us. We have been spending a lot of concentrated time together recently, and I feel like I should make some sort of decision soon. Should I perhaps draw more defined “just friends” lines? (Back in July, we stated right away that we could never go out, as he was way too old, but that resolution seems forgotten.) Should I just go with the flow? Should I cut him out of my life? (Ouch.) I’m sorry that this is the longest letter ever, and thank you for taking the time to read it.

Crazed and Confused in Canada

 

---

Dear Crazed and Confused:

You seem like a smart and fairly reasonable person. Quite often in this type of situation, the person asking for advice already knows the answer deep down; he or she just needs help realizing it. Therefore, I’d like to call your attention to certain parts of your letter:

“I understand there is something off with someone who radically changes a lifestyle like that, but I try to encourage him to fix things without being too pushy.”

Yes, there is something “off,” as you say. Although I’m sure it’s possible to construct perfectly reasonable-sounding explanations for why he’s been mooching off his parents for the past few years, and sublimating his own life to theirs, they won’t change the reality of the situation.

“Everyone’s beginning to assume that we are dating, and I truly love him, but the differences in age and place in life make that type of relationship seem insurmountable. Emotionally and socially, he is obviously not much more mature than I am.”

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you are actually more mature than he is. You’re dealing with your life; he isn’t. Your instincts about the different places you’re in are correct, and you’re quite right to feel very apprehensive.

“While it physically hurts me to see him in so much pain all of the time, part of me thinks I should run fast and run far. My friends adore him, and that really speaks volumes about his overall character, but I still feel like there is nothing I could ever do to help him, and perhaps this relationship is unhealthy for both of us.”

It’s hard to see anyone we care about in a tough situation. However, you’re right in thinking that you can’t help him; he can only help himself. It’s a cliché, but it’s also true. Frankly, he may be a nice guy, but my concern is you: it would be unhealthy for you to continue this relationship. Many things you say in your letter show good judgment. I suggest you really listen to what you are saying. If he’s really a solid guy, he’ll get his life on track without any help from you. If not, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you — don’t waste it on him.

The Couch Baron thinks it’s probably time to change the music.

 

Thirteen

 

Dear Sars,

A few months ago, I met a guy, and we became close
friends. He’s fun, smart, shares my sense of humor,
and is kind to children and animals, not to mention
incredibly good-looking. As I’m sure you’ve guessed
by now, I started getting that more-than-friends
feeling. We do everything together; we spend hours
just lying around watching TV or smoking and talking
about everything under the sun. I’ve never felt so
comfortable around someone before.

But since this is an advice column, I should get to
the problem. There are two, actually.

Problem the first: he has a girlfriend. Problem the second: he’s my roommate.

So not only am I tortured by the fact that someone
else has snagged him, it’s not like I can just stay
away from him, what with living under the same roof.
To complicate things even further, he and the
girlfriend have been having problems lately and he’s
been coming to me for advice. I’ve tried to stay out
of it as much as possible, partly because I don’t want
to be that “buddy” girl, and partly because I
genuinely like his girlfriend and I don’t want to mess
things up for them.

Gah! I’ve tried avoiding him, but he comes and finds
me and asks why we’re not hanging out. I’ve tried
just being happy for him that he has a nice
girlfriend, but that stings. Moving out isn’t an
option; we’re all broke-ass full-time students around
here. How is a girl to handle living with the most
perfect man alive when she can’t have him? And even
in the distant future if he becomes single again, how
messed up would it be to get involved with a roommate?
Help!

Signed,

Just The Roommate

 

---

Dearest JTR,

Let’s get one thing straight: You are obviously NOT
Just The Roommate. If you were just the roommate, it
would not be a problem that he has a girlfriend, and
it would not be a problem that he is YOUR ROOMMATE.

You can either suck it up and deal with the stinging,
or lay it all out there. If you really genuinely like
his girlfriend and “don’t want to mess things up for
them” (which I think is bullshit, by the way), then suck it
up. Right now, you feel uncomfortable. If you tell him
how you feel, you run the risk of making EVERYONE feel
uncomfortable (ultimately, it isn’t going to make you
feel any better if he stays with Girlfriend and shuts
you out entirely).

Spend time with him, but keep it light and include
other people. If he pesters, tell him you’re trying to
respect the boundaries of your friendship. (Sars tells
me the advice-giving business doesn’t pay all that
great, anyway, so you should probably stay out of
their relationship stuff.)

One thing you should keep in mind is that there is no
“most perfect man alive.” Get some perspective. Yeah,
you hang out a lot and laugh a lot, but odds are pretty
good that you’re going to do that with many people,
some of them even (gasp!) men, and the sun will shine
through the clouds and angels will sing from the
heavens when you’re together.

Kisses,

G-Force

P.S. I think you already know the risks involved in
getting involved with a roommate. Of course there are
advantages, like booty in the next room — but a
break-up would suck more than anything has sucked
before. Be careful.

G-Force ain’t about soulmates.

 

Twelve

 

Howdy, Sars.

I don’t know if this one’s obvious to everyone except
me, but I sure would appreciate your opinion/advice.
I’ve recently started seeing a woman. We’ve spent a
lot of time together, and also been physically
intimate. We’ve never talked about or really labelled
our relationship, but I get the feeling she’s content
to just let things develop on their own without
defining what exactly it is we’ve got going. This
isn’t really the problem, but it serves to set up the
background. The problem is her roommate.

She recently moved into an apartment with two guys.
One of them has made several advances on her, even
going so far as to burst into the bathroom while she
was showering, claiming that he “really had to pee bad.”
He hasn’t been violent or anything (as far as I know),
but from what she’s told me, he is physically
“insistent.” She’s told me on two occasions that he’s
acted like this. I don’t know if there have been
more. She tells me she has politely rebuffed him,
trying to do as little damage as possible to their
living situation. This guy also has a girlfriend.

Anyway, I’ve never been to her place or even met this
guy, but the urge to kill has risen. I’ve asked her
if she wants me to come over and talk to the guy (or
rearrange his facial structure), but she insists that
she can handle it and that anything I do would just
make their living situation unbearable. I’ve
suggested that she tell her other roommate, but
she has hedged on this, since the two men have been
friends for a long time and she does not want to make
trouble. I get the impression that even if the other
guy knew what his buddy was doing, he’s not the type
of guy to do anything about it, necessarily.

So, here it is: I feel that I should insist on coming over
to meet this guy, and at least make it clear that he’ll
have more than a polite rebuff if I hear that he’s
bothering her. At the same time, I want to respect
her wishes since she’s an adult and can handle
herself. She may not call me her boyfriend, but she
is at least a very good friend and I would want to
protect any friend of mine from intimidation. Any
helpful hints?

Furiously Frustrated Friend

 

---

Howdy, Triple F.

I have to admit that my immediate, flippant reply upon
reading your note was, “And this is your
problem…how?” So I went away to think things over,
and I ended up with, “No, really. This is this guy’s
problem…how?” Your lady friend made it clear
to you it’s nothing she can’t handle on her own.
Respect that. You’ve rather gallantly offered your
assistance (which is more than many would do), so she
knows you’re there if she needs you. If she
needs you. Now let it go.

However, your note raises other issues, so we must now
turn to your impulse to resolve the situation with
violence. How stupid is that? I’ll give you a hint: It’s really fucking stupid. I could rant about how
annoying I find such vapid, knuckle-dragging posturing
to be, but I don’t want to waste your time. Suffice it
to say that you’re not in high school anymore. Grow up.

As for the living situation of your lady friend, which
sparked all of this drama in the first place: Based
on your description of things, it seems to me she’s
found herself in one of those nightmarish roommating
situations we all endure (or, let’s be honest, force
others to endure) at some point in our lives. If it
really is as intolerable for her as you make it out to
be, she should probably move. Yeah, I know —
he’s the problem, so why should she be the one
to move? Whatever. The hassle of finding a new
apartment will be minor compared to the enormous
hassle she’ll have either trying to evict him (over
the presumed objections of his friend, no less) or
trying to absorb the stress resulting from the
situation if they both remain. And you can sublimate
your all of your violent impulses by helping her move
— you know, sweat out some of that excess
testosterone by hauling her dresser up a couple of
flights of stairs. It’s a bonus!

However.

It’s not clear to me that the situation is all that
bad. Granted, I don’t have all of the relevant
information, but the idiot roommate in question seems
more Garden-Variety Adolescent Jackhole than Creepy
Potential Rapist. Sounds to me like she’s bitching at
you about his admittedly annoying behavior just to
blow off some steam so she doesn’t blow up at him
herself and “make their living situation unbearable.”
Just an opinion.

Finally, feel free to pass the following along to the
idiot jackhole adolescent: “Hey, moron. If your back
teeth are floating and your roomie’s in the shower,
pee in the goddamn kitchen sink. That’s what it’s
there for. Loser.”

Demian only pees in the kitchen sink when absolutely
necessary.

 

Eleven

 

Dear Sars,

I have a bit of a conundrum; I have graduated college and started to attend grad school when I ran out of money. I have been living at home for a while now, never having lived anyplace else, mostly because it was cheaper. Well, I have been looking for work and have not really found anything either, because I am too educated or just lack the experience to work. I have some work experience, but I took some time off (about two years) so I could raise my grade point average and to finish my double major.

My problem is this — I want to move out of my parents’ home, as I am tired of being a parasite to them. I want to move to another city — namely Austin, which is about three hours away from where I currently reside — but I lack the money to move. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, not knowing what to do. My father keeps nagging me to get a job, but offers no advice other than that I should work at a refinery, which I won’t do besides I suck at manual labor. I have two BAs, English and psychology, but have little idea what kind of work I could do, and no one I know seems to be able to offer any suggestions.

What I want to do most is to finish grad school or go back to school and try my hand at something practical, yet all I worry about is where is the money going to come from. My father will not pay for any more school; besides he is semi-retired and doesn’t have the money anyway. My girlfriend has suggested that I go back to school and study computers, since I am interested in them. I have thought about the military as a possible solution, but I am not really sure I want to give them four years of my life. All my friends have moved away, and I am kind of stuck here all by myself with no social life to speak of, and I know that is unhealthy. If I do not decide something very soon, I will be thirty years old and still living at home, and I DO NOT want to be that guy. I could go and live with my girlfriend, who lives near Austin, for a bit until I can find some sort of employment. I don’t want to impose on her that much, though. Also, my parents are getting a divorce and soon I may not have a home either so I am getting awful desperate.

I feel like I am standing on a cliff, a thousand life paths stretched out in front of me, but I don’t know which one to take. I know can start on one and later move to another if I don’t like it, but I just don’t know where to begin. I hope you can give me some suggestions. I am very lost and need some guidance; I can’t and won’t sit in my room all day moaning and groaning about what I need to do. Any help would be appreciated.

Mr. Paralyzed With Indecision (who will NOT be living with his parents the rest of his life)

 

---

Dear Mr. P with a BIG I:

Man oh man. You need a plan. Some direction for your passion. Oh yeah, and a swift kick in the ass out the door of your folks’ house.

So you have alllll this education and you are not sure what to do with it…when you have a quiet moment and close your eyes and think about what you want to do, what do you come up with, and is it realistic?

Have you been to the career centers at the colleges you have attended? Not only is it a great place to network, but they are full of ideas, résumé assistance, paid internships — you name it, if it has to do with job placement.

For now, can you scrape together some money by waiting tables, temping, anything? If you can work your tail off at a couple of part-time jobs for the next couple of months and save like a madman, hopefully you can afford to move out. If you are waiting tables at night, you can be online during the day, scouting out jobs and interviewing. If you sign up with a temp agency, you can test out other companies and meet more professionals around Austin to network with in order to land something more permanent.

I feel like I can go on and on with suggestions, but it’s probably not helping you get the direction and focus you are requesting, since you feel there are “a thousand life paths stretched out in front of me but I don’t know which one to take.”

You seem like a nice guy with some smarts. Stop looking at this as such a great critical decision. It seems to be scaring you off from diving in. Baby steps.
There’s no reason you should be home without work. Find something, anything, quick. And have fun with it, because you know it will be temporary. Pick something that has people your age hanging around so you can form some new friendships. Commit yourself to saving a certain dollar amount in a certain amount of time. Be aware of what it costs to have an apartment in Austin or wherever you plan to live. While you are working locally and living at home, keep that dream of moving out alive and make it happen in the two months (or however long the time is) that you committed to yourself to have the money saved to move out.

During that time, be scouting out the area you want to move to for a job — maybe it will happen for you sooner than you expected. But look for jobs in that area and sign up with temp agencies, coffee houses, restaurants, anything, so they can be ready for you. These are your safety nets while trying to find your career path.

Now for your girlfriend. Wow. Be good to this one. She seems to have incredible patience, but who knows how long it will last and if she will eventually be turned off by your constant dreaming of greatness while your mom is bringing you your nighttime milk and cookies. Show her you have action in you too — that you can execute these plans. Not saying that lots of coin means lots of love, but maturity, stability, sense of self, standing proud like a man, taking charge of your life — oooh, all great turn-ons.

Save save save SAVE your money and move out. But don’t neglect your girlfriend or be Mr. UnFun. There are plenty of things to do that don’t cost a lot of money and can keep you from feeling as though you are being a burden on her. Write her a poem, plan surprise picnics, check out museums and theater/music in the park performances, et cetera. Lots of free stuff for entertainment going on in the world. Make a sign, “Mr. P with I’s Kitchen,” and cook her dinner. Tons of things you can do with some creativity while you save. I know you didn’t ask about your girlfriend and I’m not saying you don’t give her TLC; I just want to make sure you appreciate this fine woman.

Now stop wasting time reading this and get that j-o-b today!
Good luck!

Double A is trying to find her passion as well, so she’s not really one to talk.

 

Ten

 

Dear Sarah…

Just have to say, love your work.

Now, down to business; I have a problem. I’m 17, female, and disgruntled. I used to live in a smallish town in Australia, for my whole life in fact. But I got bored, spread my wings, and went off to Sweden for a year as an exchange student. Now I’m back, but in my absence my parents moved to the city and enrolled me for my last two years in an all-girls public school. Today was my first day, and it was god-awful. They were shallow, immature (as well as a year younger than myself), and in general, not so helpful (to put it all mildly). All is made worse by the fact that not a lot of work was done last year, so I’m really out of the study groove, and these next two years are the important examination years of schooling in my state.

Will it stay horrid? Or are all first days sucky?

Miserable In Melbourne

 

---

Dear Miserable,

Of course it sucks. You’re at school. You’re at a new school. You were in Sweden and now you’re not. You were in Sweden! Sniffing the pepparkakor! With ABBA! And now you’re surrounded by stupid girls who hate you. Of course they hate you! You went to SWEDEN! I hate you!

Seriously, I’m just trying to make a point here: maybe not all first days are sucky, but new-all-girls-school-post-independent-Swedish-romp-extravaganza first days tend to be, well, a tad disappointing. Whether it will stay horrid is, for the most part, up to you. A little perspective might help with the attitude. It’s great that you managed to spread your wings and all that, but really, it’s not like you ditched everything to join Cirque du Soleil; you were an exchange student, Miss Dancing Queen, and you knew you’d be back. I understand it must be lousy to return to new people who can’t see and appreciate how you’ve changed, but all your Fabulous Swedish Experience won’t do you much good if you just use it to set yourself apart from everyone else. If you do, you’ll continue to be bored — even in a bigger city. And those shallow, immature brats can’t all just hop on the flygmaskin and go to Sweden, so you’re going to have to find other ways to deal each other. And I think you will, in time.

If nothing else, focus on your studies. If you ever want to spread your wings again, it’ll help to graduate.

Wendola feels the beat on the tambourine at Pound.

 

Nine

 

Well, here’s my problem…

I started dating this guy about two months ago. I was just
getting over someone, so I guess you could say he was a “rebound” guy. I
just wanted to date casually and have fun, and I told him so. He totally
agreed and expressed that he wasn’t looking for a serious girlfriend either.
It gets complicated because he had been planning a move (only for the summer), and was moving a month after we started seeing each
other. I figured I would date him for a month, and then that would be it.
The problem is this — I really started to care for him and liked him
much more than I thought I would.

Our relationship moved pretty fast — we
didn’t have much time before he moved. Okay, I slept with him after the third
time we hung out. I told him that I didn’t normally have sex so quickly
(I’ve only had three partners and I’m 27). He said that he understood and
didn’t want me to think that he was “easy” either. Before he moved, he
expressed an interest in seeing me again in the fall. He also mentioned
that he didn’t think that we’d be seeing too much of each other this summer.
He is self-employed and has a very busy work schedule, but I am sure he also
wanted to keep things open and un-exclusive just in case he wanted to “hook
up” with other girls.

About a week after he moved, he called me and wanted
to get together for a drink. His brother was in town, and he wanted me to
meet him. Then his brother ended up not coming due to an emergency, so the guy and I planned on meeting
up the following week when I was on vacation. I went to see him and spent
the night. We had a wonderful time. When I left, he said he’d talk to me
soon and wound up calling the next night just to talk. He said he would
call the next day.

I guess “the next day” by his definition is nine days later, because
that’s the next time I heard from him. He asked me to dinner sometime that
week, and again said he would call the next day to firm up plans. He waited
until the last minute — the night before we were supposed to meet — to call.
During that conversation (and previous ones), he asked a lot of questions in
regards to who I was “hooking up” with. Every time I mentioned a guy’s name
(even if he was just a friend), he would say, “Did you hook up with him?”
He also told me that he had not slept with anyone but me since we started
being together, although he had kissed a couple of girls.

The next night, we
spent a wonderful night together. However, during the evening he made a
comment that concerned me — when telling him about some of my plans
(volunteer work, extra part-time job), he became very concerned and said that
he thinks that I “should start running things by [him] first.” At first I
thought that he was kidding, but he made it clear that he meant it and wanted
me to talk to him before I started making decisions. Normally this sort of
thing wouldn’t bother me, but I am not in any sort of exclusive relationship
with him, and this really confused me. I was so floored by his statement
that I couldn’t really comment on it and just pretty much laughed it off.

Now I’m wondering if he is maybe interested in something more serious with
me, but is afraid to ask because I already stated that I wasn’t interested in
having a boyfriend. I am also afraid to bring up the subject of a possible
exclusive relationship, because I don’t want to scare him away, and I don’t
want to be unfair in expecting something that he was very clear that he
didn’t want from the beginning. However, I am interested in something a
little more serious, and it is increasingly difficult for me to be with other
guys or even flirt with them because I like this guy so much.

Is it
possible that his feelings have changed, or am I deluding myself that this
man might be more than just a casual and brief love affair? I can be
patient and wait for a relationship if I know that it’s a possibility. But
if it’s a dead end, I want to end it now before I get hurt even more. But I
don’t want to scare him away either by asking him too soon if there is a
possibility for us to be a couple.

What do you think? Should I risk it by
asking, or just wait for him to make the move into something more serious?

To speak or not to speak

 

---

Dear That Isn’t Really The Question,

I’d have to go with Door #3, “neither.” And it’s not that getting things out on the table isn’t a good idea; normally I’d advise you just to talk to him about your feelings, and if he scares that easily, to hell with him. In this case, though, I think you should tell him to shove off.

He’s unreliable; he doesn’t call when he says he will. He’s self-absorbed; he expects you to change your plans to accommodate him. And he’s controlling. “Run things by” him? That’s a fucking joke. He sounds like a possessive dickwad, and frankly, I wouldn’t buy that line from him about not having slept with anyone else if I were you.

Your whole letter is worried about what he wants and how he’s going to react. Start focusing on what you want and how you react to him instead. Start insisting that he show you some damn courtesy. Start telling him that your choice to socialize with other men is just that — yours — and that you don’t feel the need to check it okay with him, because he’s not your dad or your boss.

And start thinking seriously about whether treating a bossy, self-involved baby with such elaborate delicacy is worth it, because based on what you’ve told me about him, it isn’t.

Scared away by Sars? Not Sars’s problem.

 

Eight

 

Hi Sars,

I love your site, your writing style, and I think you give great advice.
I’m having a problem that I’d be really interested in hearing your take on.

Okay, first a little background. So I moved to France about six months ago,
which is something I’d always dreamed of doing. I was able to move because
I found a decent-paying job in a big technology corporation, and even though
I’m not into computers or the business world at all, I felt like this was a
good opportunity to try living overseas, learn a new language, et cetera. I
haven’t decided on a career yet — I’m thinking grad school, but not yet.
Apart from work, things are good. I’ve found a couple of great friends here
that I enjoy spending time with, and I’m really enjoying the opportunities
for exploring and learning that are so abundant here.

The problem comes in because a lot of the people I work with here in
corporate-world have very aggressive personalities. I’m a naturally shy
person with something of a social phobia. This is a problem I’ve always
had, but being in a new place and trying to get by working in a language I’m
not great in and with social customs that are confusing to me has really
exacerbated the situation.

Do you have any advice for me on how I can, basically, just quit worrying
and chill out and deal with the people I have to deal with? There some
folks here at work that I like just fine, a couple that I like a lot, but
the rest I have a tough time ignoring or dealing with. I get to feeling
afraid of them, is the truth, and they sense that and take advantage of it.
I feel really uncomfortable feeling ignored and left out of things, and I’m
also getting paranoid about the gossip that goes on behind my back and the
snide remarks that come up every now and then. I wonder what I can do to
stop this from happening?

I wonder whether it’s that I am doing a job that I don’t really belong in,
that doesn’t suit my personality. But I think the most likely scenario is
that there are aggressive people everywhere and I’m just going to have to
learn how to deal. I’d like to know how to seem less afraid of them — I
think the key is trying to make them think I’m fine with everything. But
how?

Thanks for any words of wisdom you can offer.

Hazy Jane

 

---

Dear Hazy,

I can totally relate. I work in a job with
very “aggressive” types (fundraisers, mostly), and at
first I had a bit of trouble adjusting. I found
office politics totally confusing and petty, and I had
a hard time finding anyone to relate to or befriend.

After a few months, though, I came to a very important
realization: My job is not ME. I think this is
crucial. Try to step back and think about why you are
working where you work. You said it yourself — it’s an
opportunity to live abroad, to learn a new language, not
become immersed in the daily BS of an office job.
Accept the fact that gossip is how some people live
vicariously through others for lack of satisfaction in
their own lives. Don’t take it personally; it’s not
worth the headache.

Also, you need to question what it is in these people
you feel “afraid” of. If it’s simply their aggressive
personalities, then yes, you have to learn how to
deal. They’re not going to curb their enthusiasm or
whatever it is simply to cater to your anxiety, so you
can do one of two things: simply dismiss their snide
comments with the realization that their voiced
opinions are results of their own problems and have
nothing to do with you, or quit. But if you quit, you
know you’ll be dealing with this same anxiety down the
road.

Find a few people at work who you really relate to and
can hang with, and tell yourself that the rest can go
to hell. How well can they REALLY know you, anyway?

Mr. Stupidhead founded the Bored At Work Hotline with the help of his older sister.

 

Seven

 

Dear Sars,

You know that feeling you have when you have a crush? You can’t stop
smiling, and all you limbs are hollow and fizzing with effervescent
goodness? Your stomach is jumpy, and waves of excitement and anticipation
wash over you? You know that one? Well, I have it. I’ve had it for two days
now. But I don’t know why.

It’s not about a person, though there are some
interesting and attractive people in the vicinity, but seems to be more
about an event, or something that is going to happen. I don’t really
believe in these premonition-type things (which isn’t to say I don’t have a
somewhat unhealthy interest in John Edward), but I can’t help wonder What It
Is All About. I’m worried that it may be a Bad Thing and things may start
crashing down about me in a terrible “get kicked out of house and lose job”
kind of way. Could it be because I have been slightly on edge about having
NO money and having to find cash for rent, doctor, shrink, two
x-rays, MRI, physio, and basic food expenses? But then, just now, that seems
to have resolved itself somewhat. And how can it be bad when it’s such a
feeling of goodness?

Ahhh…should I examine it more, or just enjoy the endorphin buzz?

Best,

Crush With No Focus

 

---

Dear Crush —

Is it a feeling of goodness, or of giddiness? Your letter is bouncing
around like a Superball in a parking garage, which seems a fair indication
of the latter. But what, exactly, is the difference?

As you describe them,
the circumstances of your life make for an stress-filled picture.
Fortunately we, the adaptable animals that we are, have a robust
response to stress. One of the most important parts of that response is
that our brains start kicking out a cocktail of neurotransmitters to ready
us for the coming struggle, whatever that struggle may be, and as a result
our senses shift into a state of heightened awareness. Because external
threats can never be fully predicted (not even by John Edward), our
response is to put everything on Red Alert just to be sure, and it seems
clear to me that this is the effect you’re now experiencing.

Think of it this way: You’re facing the potential of a catastrophic life
change and finding that it’s exhilarating. This is just as it should be.
And it’s no surprise that it feels like a crush — what is a crush, after
all, but practically the same thing? The potential of a catastrophic life
change in the form of a new (and potentially long-term) mate. So I say
enjoy the endorphin buzz. It’s one of the great joys of being human, being
kept on our toes. Just don’t confuse it with Fate, good or bad. Fate is
nothing but what we assign to events after the fact to make us feel better
about the future’s uncertainty.

Scott fizzes with effervescent goodness.

 

Six

 

I’ve written to you once before and you gave me sound advice then. Once
again, I ask to bend your ear a tick.

I’m having some trauma at work, and I don’t know what to do. Here’s the long
and short of it. The school that I’ve worked for since July 2000 gives ten
vacation days and six personal/sick days per year. You are encouraged to use
all of your vacation time in the summer, since it is a slower season for the
school. This past year, my grandfather passed away in October from a long
battle with cancer. I was told he was not considered immediate family, and
that only one paid day of bereavement would be awarded to me. The other
days that I took (two) needed to be from my personal time.

Fast forward to December; I discover I’m about six weeks pregnant,
miscarry two days after Christmas, and am admitted to the hospital for a
D&C. In addition to that (as if it could get any worse), the doctors
discover a large cyst on my ovary that is bleeding into my abdomen, causing
excruciating pain and dizzy spells. I have to take the rest of my personal
time over Christmas break and an additional five days UNPAID for recovery,
follow-up appointments, ultrasounds, just generally being doubled over in
pain and doped up on painkillers, et cetera.

My employer pulled me into the office last week and told me that if I missed any
more days, I would be terminated. They consider the additional time I
missed excessive and label it as absenteeism. Never mind that I am dealing
with the loss of a pregnancy, pain and dizziness that is enduring, and a
PILE of doctor’s notes explaining my situation and why and when I can return
to work. Never mind the inappropriate comments that were made to me after
this happened (“It’s for the best” or “Is there any light at the end of the
tunnel?”). Never mind that my boss is a moron who disappears from work to
have her hair cut and dyed or have her nails done on company time.

My boss then summarized our five-minute meeting with a three-page letter
that was cced to all management level people at the school, detailing my
“absenteeism.” The letter specified what a fabulous worker I was, but said
my attendance would now be “aggressively monitored.” It stated that it was
unfair to my co-workers that I took time beyond what the school granted me
(even though this was a medical situation and I wasn’t just missing work
for some minor ailment AND I was taking the time unpaid and didn’t choose
this situation in the first place). Never in this letter was the reason for my absences mentioned. If you read the letter, you’d think I had
called in for the fun of it.

Is it just me, or is this wildly inappropriate and unconscionable? I feel
betrayed and hurt that my employer could care so little. I’m trying to deal
with the loss as best I can, but I have such anxiety going to work every day,
aside from the depression that I am already experiencing. I feel as though
I’ve been reduced to sitting in my chair and being a good little girl. It
also doesn’t help matters that my husband works for the school too. He’s
freaking out that I might quit or get fired, since he’s only part-time plus.
I’m in an okay financial situation, but I need to work at least part-time to
maintain. It’s not a good time to be looking for a job. What do I do —
suck it up and just be a robot, or cut my losses? Do I respond to this
letter she circulated (I’ll most likely get fired for doing so)?

Shredded

 

---

Dear Shredded,

I think about the only thing clear-cut about this situation is that your
boss is an ass. Do you know exactly what is motivating your boss to do what
she’s doing? It seems to me that she is probably feeling some heat from
“upstairs” and wants to show that she can get tough. Either that or she has
developed some irrational hatred of you and wants something on file so that
she can fire you in the future. Either way, not good.

If it were up to me, I’d write a detailed, controlled, but absolutely
scathing letter and see what happened. But of course, I do not need to
deal with the consequences here, so here is what I would recommend. Set up a
consultation with a lawyer who specializes in employment law, explain the
situation, and see what he/she says. I’m no legal expert, but it seems
to me that you might have a case for wrongful termination (if you got fired)
and/or harassment. Based on this advice, and how comfortable you feel with
it, I’d move forward, write a letter, and at the end, make a vague threat
regarding legal action (how much you’d hate to do it, but if you were
forced to, et cetera). Since firing you on these admittedly specious grounds, when you
have shown your intention to retaliate in such a case, could cause a major
headache for the school district, I have a feeling that no legal action
actually would have to be taken, and this woman would instead get in major
trouble for bringing something like this on the district.

Meanwhile, and before you take such a drastic step, see if it’s even
necessary. Do you have any relationship with the higher-ups? If you do
have any sort of relationship with any of these management-level people, see
if you can get a sense of how seriously this woman is taken. It could be
that everyone knows she’s a moron and no one would take her letter seriously
anyway.

Also, are you part of a union? If so, talk to your union representative.
Problems like these are part of why unions exist.

Finally, though, the fact that you have to work with this person probably
means that it is time to start looking for another job (and that goes for
your husband too). It is a tough job market, but I’d definitely see if you
can get out. After all, if you leave and get a new position, then send a
letter about this woman to your superiors, well, revenge is sweet, but it’s
even sweeter when there’s nothing she can do.

I do have another idea, but it involves a lock of your boss’s hair, the
blood of a chicken killed at midnight, and a few other assorted odds and ends
and could get a little messy.

Ari is a horrible singer — her singing voice sounds something like a seal in
pain. Someone really ought to tell her.

 

Five

 

Dear Sars.

First of all, the site rocks, and you are one of the best modern writers
I’ve had the pleasure to read. And now that that’s out of the
way…

Have you ever had a friend who, no matter what you did, you really just
don’t like? I have this friend (“Karen”), and we have been
friends since our first year at university. So, my early (and best)
memories of her involve much drinking and generally having fun and
shopping and flirting and all that sort of thing. There were three of
us who were really close friends, and we had a great time.

After first year, though, it all started to go downhill. She found some
new friends, and while we were included in that group, I never
really liked them. She then proceeded to sleep her way through a whole
group of friends and could never understand why that
annoyed me (I don’t have a problem with her sleeping with lots of
people, cos I did [and do] it, but not only did it ruin our friendship
with these guys, but three best friends? I mean, come on, it’s just icky!!!).

So we drifted apart. We’d drift together occasionally, and have brief
bursts of friendship that were great and a lot of fun, and then we
wouldn’t talk for, like, two months. These periods were always
precipitated by us having a fight about something. One time she tried to
make me choose between her and my best friend, whom I have known for
almost 20 years.

Then recently, she met a boy, and they have been together for almost three
years now. She has “settled down” — although she refuses to tell
him about her past, and I honestly think that if “the love of her life”
would take her back, she’d dump this guy in a second. She’s so
horrendously screwed up (I’m pretty sure she’s bulimic, but my attempts
to help her deal with this fall on deaf ears), and I think this
guy helps her, but she still comes crying to me about their problems —
and he accuses me of interfering when I try to help her.

Anyway, the problem is this. Every time she pisses me off, I think
“that’s it, screw her, I am sick of putting up with her and her bullshit
and I’m getting out of this now.” except that I never do. I know
that she is toxic, and she drives me mental and everything, but
I know how messed up she is, and I feel bad about it, so every time we
get back in touch I get hurt again.

How the hell can I gt rid of her once and for all, bearing in mind that
this new guy is periphially involved in my life anyway? Shall I
just tell her to shove it, that I have had enough of her problems
and that until she sorts them out she’s never going to be happy, or
shall I just deal with the fact that I’ve let her walk all over me until
now, and that is now the basis of our friendship (not the fun we
used to have), and hang on until she decides to sort it out?

If anyone can help me, you can.

Pissed Off But Pathetically Involved

 

---

Dear Pissed Off:

Sarah does indeed rule and she’s one of the most brilliant minds in the
world. Now that we already agree on something, I’ll see if I can help
with your problem.

Everybody has friendships that turn sour. You drift apart, you grow
different worldviews, you stop wanting to do the same kinds of things,
or you just stop getting along. A history with someone doesn’t mean you
have to stay with someone. Think of all your ex-boyfriends. You
probably were pretty intimate with them, but eventually you know when a
relationship has turned unhealthy and you find a way to avoid him at all
costs. Girl relationships can be even more toxic because you find
excuses to remain friends, even when that girl makes you feel miserable.

You’re carrying a lot of bitterness towards this girl, and it seems
you’re only staying friends with her out of some obligation, or some
great gesture on your part, like you’re doing her a favor by not telling
her to eat shit and die. Would you want someone to think of you in this
way? Maybe it’s best to just drift away and leave it at that. You
don’t need dramatics to end a relationship, and if she’s as fragile as
you describe, the last thing she needs is another giant fight and fuss
over the termination of your long-term friendship. Just stop being
available to her, but don’t let yourself get involved with her because
you need the drama.

But really, if you’re one of those people that craves drama and just love
to have a problem to fuss over and a friend that’s constantly fighting
with you, then by all means keep her around. She’s perfect for you.

Otherwise, leave her alone. By the fifth time you tell her you just
can’t hang out/listen to her problems/bitch with her about something,
she’ll find someone else who can, and you’ll get replaced. But make
sure this is what you want. Don’t change your mind later and hope
she’ll still want you back. Breaking up with a girlfriend like this
must be final.

You can read
all about Pamie over at Squishy, where she shares her continual exploration of why girls are weird.

 

Four

 

Dear Sars,

I would be ever so happy if you could help me with this problem. To start
off, I’m in high school and have a very tight group of a few friends. We
pretty much tell each other everything, act really crazy with one another,
et cetera. In fact, other people tell me that like to spend time with us because we
are a really positive, fun group, unlike some of the more “popular” groups.

So over the past couple of months, this one girl has been hanging out with
us, and, well…she is not the most fun person to be around. Actually, that’s
a bit of an understatement. At first, she would ask us what we are doing on
such-and-such night, and we would invite her along since she obviously wants
to hang out with us and it was the nice thing to do. She would kind of
guilt us into inviting her along. Now, we would try to integrate her, but she
didn’t really seem to have a lot of fun, and the rest of us certainly weren’t
having fun with her there being miserable. However, every weekend would roll
around, and she would keep asking to do stuff with us, and after a while, we
were getting kinda sick of the…um…un-fun-ness. It doesn’t help that I have
a lot of my classes with her as well, since that just added to the annoyance
factor. If she asked about any plans, I would tell her that it’s “a just me
and so-and-so thing,” but she would get depressed/bitchy about it. I mean, if
I say that I’m busy or something, she’ll ask me again throughout the day as
if I was lying to her. And actually, we have had to lie to her once in
awhile just so we can hang out in our original fun group, since she is
incapable of grasping any hint of annoyance.

Okay, what makes this thing worse is that she keeps saying how we are her
only friends and how she’s never had such close friends. Obviously, this
makes me feel pretty crappy, since I don’t consider myself a close friend of
hers at all but I see her the most out of all of my friends. Furthermore, I’m
fairly worried about approaching this issue with her since, besides the fact
that I’m too non-confrontational for my own good, she has an eating disorder
and suffers from severe depression. Now she’s starting to ask me why everyone is
ignoring her, and I can’t just come out and say, “Well, ya know, you are the
most negative, fun-sucking person I know…” It’s just gotten to the point
where, whenever I hear her talk or even see her, I feel less happy and more
sullen.

Is it selfish of my friends and me to want to do things within our little
circle, or at least be around positive people who aren’t so depressing all the
time? A part of me sympathizes with her, because I know what it’s like to be
devoid of friends and I realize it must be hard this late in high school when
everyone has more or less found a group of friends. The other part of me,
though, thinks, “You know, I have tests every day and tons of homework every
night, and when I’m with my friends, I just want to have a good time and not
be brought down by someone else.”

So that’s the situation and I, along with
my friends, don’t know what to do. Any advice you have to offer is
appreciated.

High-School Confusion

 

---

Dear Confusion:

You say this girl has an eating disorder and suffers from depression. Is she
getting professional help? Her situation is clearly too serious to be
addressed by lay people, however well-intentioned. You and your friends are
being emotionally dragged down when you try to include her in your
activities, and this shouldn’t continue.

On the other hand, you can’t just
abruptly stop seeing her, because she is too unstable to handle the rejection.
You need to speak to a school guidance counselor, a private therapist,
a religious leader, or another trusted adult — preferably one with a background in
counseling — for advice on how to handle backing off without hurting her.
This could also serve as a wake-up call to school officials to make sure she
does get professional help before her own problems get any worse.

Sars’s mom is a trusted adult.

---

 

Three

 

I’m 29, and living in Chicago. I was prompted to write this message
after reading your recent essay, “Speaking In Tongues.” Most of your
writing make me laugh out loud, but I’m not ashamed to admit that this
one just about made me cry. I once had friends like those you
described. We too had our own way of communicating. My college buddies and I were so close, we referred to ourselves as “the family” (not the
Manson type, but the close-knit, bonded together type).

I’m currently living in my third new city in six years. I moved here
in order to take a better job (and to escape from the hell that is Florida). Even though I’ve only been here for about a year and a half,
I really like Chicago, and can foresee making it my long-term
domicile. Then again, if the right position comes along, or the right
person, I could be persuaded to move again. I’m loathe to do so,
however, unless it’s to a city where I already know people, because
I’m having the hardest damn time making friends here.

I know I can do it. I’ve got several really good friends right now
(who are, for the most part, spread out all over the country). I’m a
fun person, a good friend and companion. I also know that mine is a
common predicament, and that there are probably no easy solutions.

It’s not as if I haven’t tried. I’ve played on a co-ed softball team.
I’ve volunteered. I’ve taken my dog to obedience class, and spent
hours walking him in populated areas. I’ve gone to concerts, art
exhibits, political fundraisers, job-related events, street fairs,
clubs and bars. I’ve met potential friends through an online personals
service, but even the most promising of those “relationships” quickly
fade out into nothingness. I’ve spent time with the few people I do
know here in town, and have met lots of people that way — but I
haven’t “clicked” with any of them.

Maybe it really is me. Or maybe it’s just really hard to make friends
in a new town. Even during my three years in Florida, though, I
managed to make at least three friends with whom I still keep in
touch. It just seems like it shouldn’t be so difficult. I’m not
dissing the friends I already have — they’re all great people, and I
love them. But it’s important to me to have local friends, the kind I
can call up to go get a beer, or see a movie, or sit around and play
cards or watch football or whatever. I want to keep trying, but I’m
pretty discouraged at this point.

How long should this take? What else can I do to make it happen?
Should I just give up and try and move to a city where I already have
lots of friends? Am I doomed to live my life alone with my dog? (I
love my dog, but he’s not such a good conversationalist.)

Dust In The Windy City

 

---

DITWC,

Someone once said that there are people in the world you don’t so much meet as recognize. These are the true friends, the instant
simpatico, the shock of familiarity, the ones that last. And I’ll tell
you something about your college friends: in my experience, and I have a
bushel of friends, there’s an intimacy I share with the folks I hung out
with in my early twenties that’s unmatched by any friendships since. In our
raw, clumsy journey through the post-teen years, those individuals who
were there, saw us at our worst, and are still around, give us an
unmatched gift: they were there while we were becoming who we are, and
they’re still enjoying the show.

When we’re young, and hanging out with our peers, it’s easy to hook up
because of a common interest: movies, sports, et cetera. And it may be a
tenuous connection, but because we’re still forming ourselves, and
humans generally do that in relation to other humans, we’re more likely
to move along parallel tracks with another when we still haven’t decided
whether English lit or politics will be our major.

You’re 29 now, and mostly formed (one hopes), so it’s time to face up to
a suprising fact of life — the chances of meeting lifelong confidantes seems to diminish
with age. It still happens, to be sure (it just happened to me last
month), but like prime numbers, the higher you go, the rarer they are.
This is something I’ve noticed in myself, and I could wax philosophical
about the reasons for hours, but that’s not why we’re here, is it?

Here’s the advice: Don’t give up hope. Chicago may be a great town, but
if you’ve given it a chance, and you’re not happy, by all means, get
yourself closer to those friends that you have. But realize that
friendship-making, like relationships and boiling water, takes an
amount of time in inverse proportion to the attention put upon it.
(Ahh, cruel fate.) You sound as if you’re really out there trying to make
it happen, and this is great, but it may also be part of the problem.
Focus on what you LOVE to do, on the things that really thrill you, and
when you run into someone in that arena, not only are you more at peace
with yourself, the person you meet is more likely to be aligned with
your interests.

Keep in touch, and lots of it (phone bills be damned), with the friends
that you do have. When you focus on the things that are important
to you, while keeping an eye on what you really want, life has a way of
satisfying your request in the most ingenious ways.

Robert Frost defined home as the place that, “when you have to go there,
they have to let you in.” As long as you have friends somewhere in the
world you feel that way about, you’re never doomed.

Adam Savage is frequently mistaken for a superhero.

---

 

Two

 

So I have this fat cat. Only “fat” doesn’t quite convey how truly large she
is. She’s actually rather small-boned — you can see it in her face and in her
kitten pictures — but there’s all this extra weight all over. ALL over. When
she lies down, it spreads out to the point she looks like a small bearskin
rug. When she sleeps on my chest, I wake up from nightmares about drowning.
The vet keeps telling me to cut her food, and I do because I love my kitty
and I want her to be healthy, but if I cut her food any further I’m going to
be measuring her kibble by the number of pieces instead of the fraction of a
cup.

I play with her as much as I can, but between not being home a lot (I know, I
know, work and school don’t really matter, playing with the cat should be my
number-one priority; I’m just a bad catmom) and her getting tired out pretty quick
what with all that weight to cart around, it doesn’t really add up to much.
I live in an apartment so there’s no backyard for her to play in, and there
are a lot of other cats around my building so I’m really not inclined to let
her wander around outside.

So I’ve been debating getting her another cat to keep company with when I’m
not there, but I’m not sure how well it’d work out. She’s been an only cat
for her entire five years and I don’t know how she’d react to another cat in
her space. And if things weren’t complicated enough, I’m moving in four
months and I’m not sure the sort of place I’ll end up in, or if I’ll end up
apartment-hopping, or what. She’s not the biggest fan of moving or cars or
carriers or new places to begin with, and I’d like to get by with damaging
her feline psyche as little as possible.

And even though the vet keeps telling me she’s just fat, I keep thinking
that maybe there’s really a physical ailment and if I were a better catmom,
I’d do whatever it takes to identify it. See, if I knew she were ill, I’d
have no problem spending all the money I don’t have to take care of her, but
I’m a little less enthusiastic about chasing after what-ifs.

(And a tiny evil part of me remembers that I’m just one of three catmoms who
got this kitten five years ago when we were all sharing an apartment in
college, without giving a whole lot of thought to what happens after we
graduated and went our separate ways, and it was only by chance that I ended
up with sole custody; every once in a while that tiny evil part of me
wonders what it would be like to tell one of the other catmoms to suck it up
and take her for a while, but that’s just a tiny evil part of me and we
ignore it most of the time.)

So I’m torn, and I’m guilt-ridden, I’m at the end of my leash and I really
just don’t know what I ought to do anymore. Any advice, O Wise Catmom?

Thanks,

Bad Catmom

 

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Dear Bad Catmom,

Before we talk about your cat’s weight, let’s talk about you and your cat. If you’re having pangs about owning an overweight cat and secretly wishing someone else would take the burden of caring for Kitty, that’s a vast gulf from thinking about getting a second cat. Before you proceed any further, take a long, hard look at why you have a cat and whether you really should be a cat owner. Whether your cat is overweight, sick or not, you took on a responsibility to care for her, and you should stick to it. Given that you took the time to write, I’m going to assume you do care and want to make the situation better.

Sometimes cats are just fat. If your vet says there are no physical ailments, it’s probably true. If you think your vet may not be checking your cat thoroughly enough, you should definitely get a second opinion.

I’m not sure if your vet suggested it, but there are lower-fat foods you might try. When one of my cats began gaining weight after she was spayed, I put her on IAMS Reduced Fat and it stabilized her weight for a while; eventually she began to slim down a bit. It’s not her favorite food in the world, but it balanced out the post-spaying weight gain for a few months. In my experience, dry foods are a lot better for weight control than canned.

If you’re up for the responsibility, a second cat might not be a bad idea. Your cat might get awfully lonely given how much time you’re away from home, and another cat can provide some campanionship when you’re away. My cat Cosa has always been mean and bipolar (among cat circles, she’s considered the Joan Crawford of her generation), and she didn’t take kindly to having a housemate at first, but after a month of adjustment, she and my second cat Oscar started getting along, and now they peacefully coexist. Sure, they still take a swipe at each other now and again, or hiss and chase each other on occasion, but they’re also getting some exercise.

It’s great that you’re so concerned about your kitty’s health, but huge cats tend not to lose lots of weight unless they’re sick. If the vet gives your cat a clean bill of health, just learn to live with your cat’s girth and try to control it with indoor playing and lower-fat food. But don’t expect a Jenny Craig miracle.

Read more about Omar G’s adventures in cat ownership and otherwise at Terribly Happy.

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One

 

“Lynn” and I have been best friends for over a decade. We live in the
same
city and see each other several times a week. So I was shocked and hurt
to
receive an email (!) from her announcing that she was getting married.
Nothing wrong with this picture so far (well, maybe the impersonality
of the
e-mail), except that I didn’t even know she was dating!

Did I mention that Lynn and I live in the same city? Oh, you got that,
did
you? Well, did I mention that we see each other several times a week?
Oh,
right. I did. Were there signs? Only that she was “busy” when we would
usually be hanging out. But that could have been anything. Who knew
there
was this whole covert dating operation going on?

Believe it or not, eventually I will get over the whole secrecy Lynn
felt
she had to apply to something that only about .0001 percent of the world’s
population would care about anyway. I know we’re not in fourth grade,
and it
is her business and all. And although I find it odd that my best friend
didn’t think enough of our friendship to tell me she was dating
somebody — much less on the brink of marriage — I will get over it. It
kinda
warps the whole best-friendship thing, though. I guess what gets me is
that
she seemed to think that once she broke the news, I wouldn’t at
least be
a little hurt by being kicked to the curb during this whole thing. She
was
all, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me anything? I mean, you’re not
even
curious about Chucklehead and me?” And I’m all, “All I want to know is
why
you thought you had to keep your relationship such a secret.” Blah
blah
blah blah. And then the conversation comes to a screeching halt when
Lynn
said — wait for it — “You’re just jealous!”

Jealous? Hello? Last time I checked, to be jealous you had to want what
somebody else has. Well, let’s see. I said years ago that I didn’t want
to
get married until I had achieved certain things, so that’s not it.
Let’s
see. She didn’t marry anyone for whom I turn to butter. So she’s 0 for
2.
How about she was an inconsiderate twit who just felt she didn’t really
need
me as a friend anymore since she had a man for the first time in years?
What
do you think?

I tried to explain to her that I would have been just as pissed if I
drove
up to her apartment only to find out she was moving to Alaska that day
while
she nonchalantly said, “Oh, by the way, I know we were supposed to watch
that
new Chris Noth movie at the multiplex, but I’m moving to Alaska today.
I
know I didn’t mention it before, but I didn’t think it was any of your
business. Oh, and can you carry that big box out to the U-Haul for me?”

I think friendships deserve the same consideration and respect as other
relationships, maybe even more. Who do most people turn to when the SOs
in
their lives get on their nerves?

Am I wrong here or what? Help!

Sincerely,

Kicked To The Curb

 

---

I can see why you would be hurt! There are a couple of issues that you raised in this letter: 1. you’re upset that your friend left you out of this important part of her life; 2. you may be questioning your friendship with her and how much you trust her; and 3. the fact that you can’t talk to her about your feelings without her calling you names like JEALOUS.

The entire situation sounds incredibly lame! I too have a best friend and would be seriously bummed. I think sharing your feelings with her was the right thing to do, whether or not she reacted defensively. I think what you’re asking is what to do next in your relationship with her.

First, you need to acknowledge that her not sharing her relationship with you IS NOT ABOUT YOU! She clearly has her own warped reason for keeping him out of her friendship world, and who knows what that is. She can’t have known this would come as a shock (unless she is mentally challenged).

But you need to look back at your relationship as well; I can’t believe she hasn’t pulled stunts like this before. Has she remained your best friend because of your history together as friends, or because you really like her personality and the quality of her friendship? There is a huge difference; sometimes things like this are more forgivable with an age-old friend, because you know she is sort of a freak who maybe you wouldn’t love so much if you had met her under different circumstances, but you do because you met her in kindergarten. History sometimes creates more hurt feelings, but also a greater ability to forgive selfishness.

You need to evaluate how important your friendship with her is. You have already done the most important thing, which was expressing how hurt you were by her inability to share with you. The ball is in your court. You can 1. call her and say, look, I am still hurt by what happened but I still want to remain friends, let’s try and talk this out without getting too upset; 2. move on, choose that you would rather be close with a woman whom you don’t think chronically hides things from you and who shares things with you as most best friends do; or 3. find a combination of both.

There is no one answer. Find in yourself why this upsets you so much; then start looking at the quality of your friendship and how much it is worth to you, and move on from there. And lastly, when you think about what happened, TAKE DEEP BREATHS.

Scrapper has a masters in forensic psych and never gets sick of telling that story where Sars beats her up. Never happened, folks — NEVER HAPPENED.