Jacked
Submitted by Sarah D. Bunting on April 9, 2008 – 9:00 PM46 Comments
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“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.
From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.
Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.
Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.
The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!
I’ve (re-)discovered a few things over the course of the recent Days Of Rage. Some of them are great!
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a lonely girl in possession of a library card must be in want of a twin. The child who spends a lot of time in books also spends …
Dear Sars,
Welcome back! Dear cracking dry hands season, not so much. I’m here to ask you/the readers about a product I could swear I saw mentioned on the Vine ages ago, but I can’t find …
*sniff* Aw Jack, how I’ve missed you. Raise those purloined vegetables high, friend. They stand for fifteen minutes of fame that money can’t buy.
Although money CAN buy the damned tomatoes. And should, you sneak.
LOVE.
I never get tired of reading that one.
“jam them straight up his ass to keep his head company” — classic.
Jack’s contraband tomatoes inspire us all! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
Oh man, I needed a laugh this morning. And despite the fact that I probably read this 50 times on the “old” site, I’m still snorting Diet Coke out my nose reading for the 51st.
Sars, your response is one of the reasons I’ll be reading Tomato Nation forever. Brilliant.
One of my favorite vine letters, ever. The response is even better.
“STRIKING A BLOW FOR HUMAN RIGHTS”? Oh, but of course! Let’s hoist Jack up on our shoulders for stealing a can of fucking tomatoes, shall we? Jack, a hero for our times! Chinese dissidents languish in prison, but Jack stole a can of tomatoes!
Oh lord, I’m still laughing. This was a good way to start the day.
“Jack’s argument was that it’s wrong to make a profit out of food, because food is a basic human right.”
Um, as a farmer’s daughter, I have to say it still costs money to bring food to your table, profits or no profits. Plant your own tomatoes, Jack. See previous post, in fact.
Douche.
Love your response sooo much. I totally agree with DT…that classic line makes me snort water out my nose every time.
Thanks for the giggle this morning.
Sars, what I want to know is, what kind of week were you having back then that philanthropic pilfering WASN’T the dumbest thing you’d heard?
Best. Vine. Ever.
@Shamela: I’m pretty sure everyone else was having roughly the same kind of week (check the date).
And this is when I realize that I’ve been reading your site for a long, long time.
And loving it. This has got to be one of my favorite Vine letters ever.
Sars, you rock.
That is all.
Fab, just fab. Ruined my keyboard spitting my morning coffee. Well, not MY keyboard, of course, the firm’s keyboard, so maybe I’m striking a blow, too? Oh, I’m so happy my life took me away from “friends” like Jack.
Funny – I’ve read all the cat stories, and the stories about your family vacations on the cape, but I kind of skipped the vines for some reason. (Too much…reading?) I’ll be spending today amending that.
Excellent.
I never get tired of that letter. It’s my second favorite Vine ever, after Robert/Roberta.
Jack totally reads Ayn Rand and Kerouac.
My favorite line: I mean, Jesus Christ. That’s not the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve heard all week but it’s definitely in the top five.
I was eating cereal at the time and milk came out my nose.
Oh man. I couldn’t even read the Vine letter. Hearing about that stupid numpty made my blood boil the first time! This time I just skipped right to the trouncing. Great stuff.
Ah, sweet memories. I giggled at odd moments for a week the first time that went up; it looks like I’m headed that way again. Awesome.
OH MY GOD Robert/Roberta. When was that? I need to read that again, too.
Man, that was awesome. How I miss the days when the Vine was people presenting ridiculous (or heartbreaking) problems, rather than “I need a mascara that doesn’t clump.”
Molly, are you talking about the one where a guy and his sister are both interested in someone online and it is very likely that it is the same person? Sars, you should repost that one since think at the time you referred to it as the “Best Vine Ever”. But I can’t remember enough of the details to do a search.
Maybe not my favorite vine, but definitely in the top 10. Sars, you should also link to the 2nd time that girl wrote to you about Jack and what a douche he was and you advised her to put his stuff on the curb.
I think my favorite Vine is probably the one where the four feuding “adult” siblings skipped their 4 year old niece’s birthday and Sars Went.Off. Awesome. Also, honorable mention to “Renaissance Fair Douchebag.”
So does this mean all old Vines still haven’t made it over? I’ve been reading the archives and I suspected that was the case.
Oh Molly, I had *forgotten* about Robert/Roberta!! Wow, that was messed up.
When you said he was “back” I thought there might be more news of that Champion of the People.
I still haven’t finished porting over all the Vines, but I’m beavering away (hee, I said “beavering”) and I’m hoping to be done shortly.
We had a round robin of best Vines ever, back in the day, and I think Robert/Roberta actually won; when that and Ren Faire Asswipe go up, I’ll let you know.
Ren Faire Douchebag is already up:
https://tomatonation.com/?p=910
I did NOT know that there was a sequel to the Jack letter, ferretrick. I’m going to have to go look for that now.
Sent a friend who was having a bad day to read this.
She feels better.
Oh, the healing power of TOMATO NATION! (Dun dun dunnnnn.)
Oh, man. I forgot how bad Ren Faire Douchebag actually was.
Returning the favor, Molly…here’s Jack part 2. I remembered it a bit wrong-Sars didn’t advise the writer to put Jack’s stuff on the curb, she’d already done it.
https://tomatonation.com/?p=1041
Rereading the Ren-Faire Douchebag, the responses to the other letters that day were great as well. Sars, you were really on a roll on that day.
RenDouche was one where I really thought it had to be fake. (And in going through the archives, I have spotted a couple where it is obvious *now* that the piss was being taken but I answered them in all seriousness. Hee.) I’m not entirely convinced that it isn’t.
Oh man I loved these Vines the first time around but now? Now they’re true classics. Pure gold (and gold is pretty pricey these days).
Maybe you should make a book out of the top 100 Vine letters. That would be a hard lot to choose.
Sars… thanks. I really needed to read CrazyScared (in the same column as Jack 2).
Heh. “Hey, Jack? Yeah. I know, we haven’t spoken ever since that…rent…thing. I just wanted to let you know that Sars? Still thinks you’re an asshole. M’kay, then. No, you can’t have my tomato sandwich. I’m using it to strike back against capital-C Capitalism. Bye.”
I can’t believe I ever forgot about some of these gems. So great to revisit them!
“Writing letters for Amnesty International? That’s for amateurs! Joining the Peace Corps? Hardly makes a difference! Volunteering at refugee camps in Southeast Asia? A MERE BAGATELLE!”
*cries laughing*
God, Sars, thank you thank you THANK YOU for posting this one. I love it so. much. And re: the date – I only found your site in 2002, but I have to say that knowing that you had such an awesome response in you a week after – well, it confirms what I thought then, and think now. You are made of win, and you had me at hello. (and at A MERE BAGATELLE!)
Oh man. The Ren-Faire Douchebag response was even better than I remembered. If that letter was a fake, it was a pretty convincing one. I have known people who are, unfortunately, just that dumb.
Chain mail…..sheesh.
Kimmy, he hadn’t been reading Ayn Rand. Abbie Hoffman maybe. Ayn Rand would not advocate the theft of tomatoes or any other commodity. Ayn Rand would expect her hero to walk past the grocery store, bravely ignoring his body’s pesky indications of corporeal need. Ayn Rand’s hero would starve rather than steal, and would be rewarded by an ever more prominent jawline and ever sharper cheekbones, the better to fit her physical ideal. Ayn Rand was nuts, but she was a stickler for obvious ethics.
“Volunteering at refugee camps in Southeast Asia? A MERE BAGATELLE! ”
HEEEE!!!!
*runs off to read Jack part 2″
I had forgotten about how much I loved Jack. My sides still ache.
I’ve been frequenting a wedding-planning message board recently, and last week a woman wrote a really, REALLY long post about how her parents are “only” giving her $20,000 for her wedding and are therefore ruining her life and “forcing” her to “embarrass” herself in front of her family and friends. I found myself wishing she’d sent it to Sars instead!
Is the letter ferretrick mentioned — about the “adult” siblings skipping the 4 year old’s birthday party — in the archives? I’ve always remembered that one and I can’t seem to find it. But all the searching has certainly been a gloriously entertaining time!
Ah, I haven’t been able to find the ‘adult siblings dissing the four-year old’ (!) letter – I do remember Sars’ response as being fan-damn-tastic.
The last one on this date, though, is a gem. Specifically, a pet-related rant that really reminded me to squeeze my (grumpy) cat on the way out the door this morning.
https://tomatonation.com/?p=1931
@Suzanne – ah, yes, this was an awesome pet rant indeed.
I remembered the letter as people *thinking* they had adpoted a bobcat and it really was a Maine coon cat, so that was my bad.