The Vine: April 1, 2004
Dear Sars,
So a few months after breaking up with my boyfriend, I decided to try the
whole online dating scene. I recently moved to a new city, it seemed like a
low-pressure way to meet nice guys, and it was a wonderful time-waster at
work.
After looking around for the right sort of service, I settled in and began
corresponding with some guys. So far, I’ve met four of them in person. Two
of them were obviously not my type, but it was nice to meet them, whatever,
have to give it a try. One of them is significantly older than me, but we
hit it off and have gone out a few times and had fun…however, I get the
definite feeling he is looking for something serious (such as marriage and
children). Though he hasn’t said anything outright, I’m sure this is the
direction he wants to go. It’s still early enough in the relationship to
avoid that discussion, and it may be what I end up wanting anyway.
But the problem is, I’ve met two other nice guys. One of them is my age,
our minds work great together, we have fun, email each other all day, and
enjoy seeing each other (though it hasn’t gone beyond just friendly hanging
out). The other guy, who I actually haven’t met in person yet, seems very
much my type and it’s possible I may like him as well.
Maybe some girls have to deal with this choosing thing before, but for me,
it’s never ever been an issue. I’ve dated one guy, had a dry spell, then
dated another guy, and so on. For various reasons, I’ve never been terribly
confident, and like many people my age, have never really “dated” in the
traditional sense of the world. Now to suddenly have all these options is
just scary and confusing.
So I suppose my question is three-fold. At what point does it become sketchy
and dishonest to keep meeting people, and at what point would a decent person
decide between these three guys? Is it really possible to just casually
date multiple people like this? And lastly, is there really a rational and
ordered way to decide between people if you like them all, or is it just a
gut reaction of knowing who you want to be with?
Thanks so much,
Online Dating Fan
Dear Fan,
The answers to all of these questions are pretty subjective, but I can give you my opinion. It’s my feeling that, when it comes to internet dating, it’s neither sketchy nor dishonest to have a few people in play at once; I think it’s more or less expected, actually. As long as none of the three is under the mistaken impression that he’s the only one, I think it’s fine to put off a decision. With that said, once you start sleeping with one (or more) or them, I think you have to make the situation clear to everyone involved, because just sort of hoping they “get” that it’s not exclusive does border on the sketchy.
Again, though, that’s me. You could easily go with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy until you figure out what you want; everyone’s an adult, et cetera. And that’s the key, I think, to casually dating more than one person at once — you have to identify your comfort zone ahead of time and try to do what feels right.
As far as rationally deciding between people…it’s not a situation that really calls for reasoned thinking. I mean, yeah, you like them all equally, but if “like” is as far as it goes with any of them, I’d check off “none of the above” and keep looking.
I think what’s really going on here is that you do like one of them better than the others, but you don’t know if you should gamble on him, and I’d bet him to win and hope for the best, but like I said, it’s subjective.
Hi Sars,
During the last two weeks of my senior year in high school, I was raped by a guy I was on a date with who was also in my group of friends. That was six years ago and in the interim I’ve gone from being in therapy, suicidal, self-mutilating to a happy and well-adjusted adult. I finished college, worked in the field of ending sexual assault and am now in law school. I take care of myself. I never confronted my rapist.
My problem is that I occasionally Google my rapist (it gives me a sense of control to know what he is up to, and a sense of safety since I know he is across the country from me), and it really gets to me that nothing really bad has happened to him. I know that it sounds awfully petty to begrudge him a good life, but because of this fucker I’ve had to struggle my way to normality, let alone happiness. Even though I feel that I’ve moved on as best a survivor of sexual assault can, it’d really help if I knew that his dick had fallen off or that he had gangrene. It pisses me off that cosmic justice is taking its sweet time. Any advice on continuing to wait, or should I go after him with a bat when he comes to town for the holidays?
Thanks. Just getting this off my chest felt good.
Wishing Tony Soprano was my dad
Dear Well, That Would Make For An Interesting Carpool,
It doesn’t sound petty to me. The dude raped you. Of course you want him to suffer.
But the problem here is that he’s still making you suffer, kind of — not as badly as you suffered in the past, but still. Not only did he assault you and get away with it, but now he’s got you seething in his general direction, and he’s getting away with that, too, because he doesn’t even know about it. He’s just off living his life, which seems massively unfair.
This is absolutely not to blame you for how you feel, because I don’t, at all, but unless you do plan to confront him, I think you have to find a way to let go completely and stop checking in on him. And this is not to say, either, that you should confront him, or that you made a mistake in not doing so before, but rather that you need to get closure somehow so that he no longer bothers you, and I think you can do that one of two ways: 1. File charges against him now and try to nail his ass to the wall; or 2. decide that you’ve come too far to waste any more of your valuable time on him, trust the universe to take care of his felonious ass, and stop Googling him.
Every time you Google him, you have to go back there all over again. I don’t think you should give him any more power over you than he’s already exerted.
Sars,
I have a few questions regarding the use of French and/or French-derived words and phrases when used in written English.
Obviously, when you take words from a language that assigns genders to all nouns and adjectives and yours does not, there will be a few problems. For example, the “blond”/”blonde” confusion has become so common I can’t muster the energy to be angry about it anymore. But now I have seen men referred to as “brunettes,” which somehow seems so much more wrong to me. Perhaps it is because there are so many English words used exclusively for females with the “-ette” suffix that I feel people should be able to figure this out.
Tell me this is lazy and evil, Sars. One would never refer to a man as an aviatrix. Why would one call him a brunette? Perhaps they think it looks fancier and more French than plain ol’ “brunet”?
Also, recently I’ve been seeing the phrase “faux-pas” hyphenated, just like that. Why? Is it correct to do this in English? It’s not in French. My dictionary (which is old and fairly traditional) shows them as two separate words. The only two reasons I can think to hyphenate “faux pas” are:
1. To show this is indeed a French phrase and not two separate English words pronounced “fox” and “pass,” which, to me, seems stupid and condescending to the reader.
2. The writer is too lazy to double-check the writing conventions and feels we should just be impressed s/he spelled it correctly.
Sincerely,
The French Avenger
Dear Avenger,
The 11C has a usage note for “brunette,” to wit: “[S]pelled brunet when used of a boy or man and usu. brunette when used of a girl or woman.”
Garner notes on the subject of blondes and brunettes that we tend to assume gender when the word is used as a noun. In other words, when we say “the blond(e),” regardless of spelling, the listener/reader will assume that it’s a woman, because we don’t usually differentiate between men by using “blond” or “brunet.” I do in fact differentiate between men that way, but he’s got a point. He advises avoiding those words entirely because they’re too reductive, which is one way to get around it, I guess; some editors prefer to use “blond” or “brunet” for both sexes, which to my mind is like using “they” as a gender-neutral singular pronoun. And we all know my opinion about that. (New here? My opinion of that is low.)
And while I’ve got you all here, please don’t use those “-trix” endings except ironically. Calling me an “editrix” is twee and condescending, especially if you don’t know how to pluralize the word in the second place. It’s “editrices,” and no, “woman editor” is not any better. This isn’t a Rosalind Russell movie over here. Leave my boobs out of it.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah. “Faux pas” is not hyphenated.
Nnnnnnnnext!
Here’s one, and it’s more about where to put my feelings than what I
should actually do with the situation.
My husband and I are divorcing. We’ve lived apart a year and both of us
have serious relationships going. I live with our two kids and, since
he lives in a hovel with a bunch of roommates (practicing for his midlife crisis, I guess), his visitation takes place at my (formerly our)
house, and I usually just spend a night with a friend or my boyfriend.
He spends a good deal of time with the kids, usually two to three days/nights
per week.
Well, this was all well and good until about two months ago. Suddenly the
“ex” starts showing up late for visits, or not at all (usually because
he’s taken off on a weekend getaway with his girlfriend). Usually he
calls from wherever he’s taken off to with a “sorry, just deal — I’ll
make it up later.” The immediate pisser with this is that the kids are
disappointed regularly, and then of course, it keeps me from making any
plans at all (my kids are very young — so just getting shopping/laundry
done is a royal pain).
The latest is we’ve come to dividing up assets/savings — he won’t do it,
there’s always some lame excuse or delay (and he has about twice the
amount of savings/RRSPs). Oh, and one night on visitation he brought
his girlfriend over — slept in my bed (didn’t make it or change it) —
and they both left their dirty, um, undergarments on my floor. Nice.
So, I’m pissed, and I’m pissed to the point of changing my locks (which
I can legally do) — but his argument is that it’s still “his” house. I
want my kids to see their dad, but I don’t want this asshole in my house
anymore. Added to this is guilt — why should I feel so bad when there
are guys out there who just disappear, and shouldn’t I be happy to be
with my kids all the time? Should I just be grateful because this guy
actually sees his kids, or pissed because here was a decent guy who now
sees his kids as a block to his social life and has no respect for my
time whatsoever? (I should add that he can well afford to get a decent
apartment on his own, but I think he’s too comfortable with the current
siuation.)
Question — what to do? Tell him he can’t keep the kids at my place and
change the locks, try to set ground rules? Eeek.
Trapped and getting cabin fever
Dear Fever,
The first thing to do is to get your lawyer on the phone and see what your recourse is regarding the visitation. It doesn’t sound to me like you have a formal schedule in place, and I think the two of you need to set terms in writing so that your ex will stick to them. While you’ve got the lawyer on the phone, find a way to lean on your ex to get the finances taken care of. If he’s not already, he should be paying child support, and you’ve got to get the assets divided and get the divorce filed and done with, because enough already.
Move out of the house so that he can’t tell you what to do with it or what goes on there; if you can’t do that anytime soon, inform him through counsel that the next time you have to pick up his panties is the last time his keys will work in the front door. Inform him through counsel also that he sees his kids at the scheduled times or not at all, and that you will not sugarcoat his reasons for flaking.
I can imagine that you’d rather keep things amicable, but if you don’t have a divorce lawyer already, get one, and if you do have one, use her. If your ex makes a stink, tell him in a neutral tone that you need to get these things settled, in writing, and done so that the kids don’t feel so unstructured — it’s the truth, after all — but even if that doesn’t shut him up, stick to your guns. You aren’t running a motel. Make that explicit and legally binding on him, because he’s disrupting your lives and he needs to stop.
Hey, Sars? What on earth does it mean when a guy says, “You’re awesome, I love hanging out with you, I’m so attracted to you, but I don’t even want to try having a relationship with you”? It’s not a line; he really means it. But it doesn’t make sense to me, because in my world, “You’re awesome, I love hanging out with you, I’m so attracted to you” is a relationship, or at least the beginning of one.
Apparently that’s just my world, though, because I’ve heard this twice in as many months. Help!
Confused
Dear Confused,
It means he doesn’t even want to try to have a relationship with you. Why is not important. When a guy tells you that, you’ve got to take him at his word, because if you don’t, badness.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar kids
