The Vine: April 10, 2001
Dear Sarah,
I’m a senior in high school, and I’m having some major problems. First off: next year I’ll be going to college, and my school keeps sending me crap about Orientation Week, complete with glossy photos of total strangers mud-wrestling and having what they think of as a jolly good time. I’m a natural introvert; I never know what to say to people at parties, nor do I really want to. I don’t want to mud-wrestle with strangers, I just want them to leave me the hell alone. College is beginning to seem like summer camp all over again, with someone pestering me every ten seconds to go do stuff with other people when I just want to be alone with my thoughts. How can I possibly survive?
Secondly: the school I’m going to is one of the most selective in the country. I can’t believe I got into it (nor can anyone else), and it was more likely than not a fluke. I know almost everyone there will be a better student than I am, no matter how hard I try, and I’m terrified that it’ll kill my chances to get into grad school. You went to Princeton, so fill me in: will any grad school look at me if I’m in the bottom half of my class at a really good college?
Signed,
Panicked in Houston
Dear Panicked,
Okay, one thing at a time. First, Orientation Week. Yeah, the activities look really Smurfy, because, well, they are really Smurfy, but you should participate anyway. I didn’t want anything to do with that crap, but my mother bullied me into doing this Habitat For Humanity-type orientation outing for a week before school started. I dreaded it, and I resisted, and the first day I had a job not crying, but then that night I couldn’t sleep, and neither could this other girl, and we stayed up talking about our boyfriends back home and how our backs hurt and what’s up with that Hans guy, and presto, I’d made my first friend at college. I realize that that’s super-hokey, but that’s part of the point of this stuff. You’re standing there grumbling to yourself, “Damn, this is dumb,” and someone overhears you and goes, “Yeah, right? What’s with the blindfolds?” and then the two of you crack on the team leader, and then later on someone else cracks on the team leader and you go, “Word, me and this other girl were just saying that,” and then you have friends.
I hear you, but trust me, it’s not that bad. You’ll live. Go mud-wrestle.
Now to the grad school…try not to worry about that yet. You haven’t even started college. Give yourself a little breathing room. And give yourself a break; if the school let you in, they think you can do the work, and you should trust their instincts. As far as grad school goes, well, I didn’t graduate with honors and I got into good MFA programs. Graduate programs want to know that you’re committed to the program; get solid grades and work on your writing, maybe take a year off to work after graduating from college, and you’ll have no trouble getting into a good postbac school. But again, you’ve got years to worry about that. Pay attention to your studies, have some fun, take courses in things that interest you at first and don’t get too wound up about things down the line.
Hey Sars,
I’m a huge fan of your work, both on MBTV and this site. I read The Vine once in awhile, and, for the most part, agree with your advice. I need some advice myself, here’s my problem: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a month now. It’s a long-distance one — we met in high school, didn’t get together till college, and now he’s in Texas, and I’m in Oregon. We’ve had our ups and downs in this relationship, but always seem to solve it, probably because of the distance. However, our major problem seems to be the issue of religion. He’s a Muslim, and I’m…not. I don’t agree with any of the values it teaches, et cetera et cetera. This has sparked many an argument, namely because I don’t agree with his faith. I don’t have one, and my boyfriend is fine with that. Therefore, I’m the one who’s having problems dealing with this issue. My question: Do you have any advice on dealing with this sort of thing? I love my boyfriend very much, and we’re planning on getting married some day. Any suggestions on how to deal with this issue?
Thanks tons,
Confused
Dear Confused,
I don’t know enough about the Muslim faith to address specifics here, but I think you need to separate the faith from the man and his actions. Here’s a somewhat analogous example: my dad is a Republican. He’s Republican because he’s a fiscal conservative and he doesn’t want the Democrats spending his tax money on shit that doesn’t work, and while it’s kind of disappointing to me that he’s registered in a party that supports yucky anti-woman social policies, Dad himself supports reproductive rights and other typically liberal causes; he just doesn’t want the government in charge of them. In other words, my dad is a political conservative, and he’s the exact opposite of a bleeding-heart anything, but he’s down with my right to choose, so I can live with it.
You have to look at the specific tenets of the Muslim faith that you’ve got ideological problems with and ask yourself if your boyfriend puts those into practice in his daily life, or in his life with you. If he’s a guy that grew up with the Muslim faith but has a more elastic definition of what it means in the world, then I don’t think it’s that big a problem. If he does believe in things that give you pause, you need to talk to him about those particular things and find out how he thinks they apply to him, and to the two of you.
And you need to think about who starts these “arguments.” You? Him? I get the sense that it’s not him, and if that’s the case, you should calm down and not assume that he’s bought the whole package before you look at the receipt.
Tags: boys (and girls)
