The Vine: April 10, 2002
Oh Wise Sars —
My boyfriend is FTM trans — meaning that he’s psychologically male, but has a female body. He’s just started coming to terms with his gender identity, and I’ve been pretty supportive along the way; I admit, a couple things took some getting used to, but now everything is right as rain and all that.
Except.
He suddenly seems to have been overtaken by extreme jerkosity — he’s abrupt, short, and pissy. I’ve been dealing because we’ve been together for a while and he’s always been perfectly sweet, and I know he’s been in crisis lately with the whole gender thing. But I’m starting to get seriously annoyed — I don’t think that he has a right to behave like a twelve-year-old ass towards me because he’s having some problems, especially since he’s shutting me out and refusing to discuss things.
So, my question to you is — should I let him have it? Or should I ride this one out and then mention it when things are calmer? I’m just getting tired of this.
This was a little muddled, it’s kind of the bare bones of the situation, but I think it got its point across. Any advice would help.
Tired in Texas
Dear Tired,
It’s hard to know where to draw the line when a person you love is going through something tough and acting like a jackass as a result. I don’t think letting him have it is going to work, but just letting it ride hasn’t worked either. Find a middle ground. Talk to him about the jerkosity; bring it to his attention. Find out where it’s coming from.
It’s obvious that the gender crisis is an issue, but I don’t think it’s the whole story. Maybe the situation generally has him tense and unhappy. Maybe, depending on where he is on the trans medical continuum, there’s a physical reason for the bad mood — a hormone treatment that’s scrambling his brain, something like that. Maybe he’s getting into some uncomfortable shit in counseling.
Or maybe he’s testing you, seeing how far he can push you before confirming a secret belief that you’ll give up and leave him because he’s too hard to be with.
I don’t have enough information to say, and I don’t know enough about the trans journey in general to speculate on how that aspect is affecting him, physically or mentally. But you need to talk to him, and you need to make it clear that, while you love him and you want to give him room to deal with what he’s dealing with, you’ve got to insist on a minimum of courtesy, towards you and towards the relationship. And once you’ve done that, enforce it for yourself. If he’s rude or snappish, wish him a nice day and leave. Start removing yourself from situations in which he acts like a jerk.
A certain level of self-absorption is par for the course from him, I think, at this point in his life, and I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic to the issues he faces. But if he can’t balance those issues with the demands of a relationship, well, he can’t. You need to figure out where the tipping point is for yourself.
If the readership has anything to share, please do.
Howdy Sars,
I just started dating this woman from Spain a few weeks ago (I’m here in NYC) and I’ve got a problem.
She often goes out to dinner and drinks with guys whom she’s met here in school and whom she calls just friends. I mean, she tells me she has no romantic interest in them and just enjoys their company. She also says this is very normal for her back in her country, as well. Now, I know it must be totally possible to enjoy someone of the opposite sex’s company, hang out with them, have dinner and drinks, and stay out until one or two in the morning with them and have absolutely no sexual interest in them whatsoever; I’m just afraid I’VE never done it!
I don’t know how these guys feel about her, and she’s never asked me along on these “dates,” so I am a little uneasy about it. I don’t want to come off as a jealous, possessive caveman and I also don’t want to get played for a fool. She’s made it clear that independence is very important to her (having been married and divorced already) and she’s also told me she’s in love with me and wants to be with me.
She came here to study English and, in three weeks, her vacation time is up and she has to return to her country. We’ve shied away from discussions about the future, and whenever I did broach the topic, she told me to “be patient. We still have time. I have to decide,” which is understandable. Bottom line: I guess I’m a little nervous that this is just a vacation fling for her and I am getting attached to someone who has no interest in anything long-term.
She stays over just about all the time, so it’s not like we don’t see each other. It’s just these little behavior signs that make me a little concerned. I don’t know. Just would like an outside opinion. Keep up the good work, you!
Second-Guessing in the City
Dear Second,
It’s not the “dates” with other men that concern me. Men and women can and do spend time together as friends without an agenda all the time; that doesn’t ring any alarm bells for me. It’s your reaction to them…and the fact that she’s going back to Spain. See where I’m going with this?
I would tell you to believe in her love for you and to go for broke — love her back, hope it’ll work out, see what the future holds — but you don’t trust her, and that’s pretty much that. If it’s already an issue for you when she’s in the same city, it’s going to bloom into a red tide of jealousy and suspicion when she’s back in Spain and can’t reassure you in person.
Either make a command decision to trust her around other men and see where it takes you, or take her to the airport in three weeks and consider that the end of it.
Tags: boys (and girls)
