The Vine: April 11, 2002
Hi Sars,
I read the letter in the Vine about the FTM who is acting all jerky. A good friend of mine is also an FTM, and I have to say that the hormone treatments do make him act like a jerk too. He loses his temper very easily and has mood swings, et cetera. It really is like dealing with someone who is going through puberty again. I just try to keep calm and tell myself that he doesn’t mean it, but if he is being especially obnoxious I do tell him to cut it out and get a grip on himself.
However, the letter writer said that her FTM had only just come to terms with his gender identity, so it seems unlikely that he would be on hormone treatments just yet. I don’t know about the U.S., but in the U.K. a transexual has to live and work full-time as a member of their “new” gender for quite a long time before they can start having any medical treatment. It made me wonder if the FTM is taking illegal/black market testosterone — in which case they should stop, because if taken without medical supervision it can lead to cancer and other health problems.
On the other hand, if the FTM isn’t taking testosterone but is still acting like a jerk, then it could be a couple of other things:
1. He hasn’t come to terms with his new gender as much as he has led Tired to believe and is still confused/unhappy. In which case Tired should lend a sympathetic ear/help him find a support group or something.
2. He is acting like he thinks “real men” act. I have noticed (not so much with my friend, but with other FTMs he knows) that sometimes they act in a kind of exaggerated stereotypically masculine way for a while. If this is the case, then he needs to know that not all men are arrogant dickheads and he should just be himself.
Bottom line: no one has a right to act like a dickhead for whatever reason. I advise the writer to talk to the FTM, but sympathetically, like, “I know things are really hard for you but you have been acting very strangely lately and I would like to know why,” and then see what he says.
Cheers,
Mark
Dear Mark,
Thanks for the insight. Another reader suggested that Tired check out this site.
I’m a college student, living in a dorm on campus. My next-door neighbors are two of my best friends. One of the girls, Casey, has been seeing this guy John since September. Things got very serious between them, and they were talking marriage. He brought up the idea, and she readily accepted it. Well, sometime in January, they began to have problems. He’d always treated her pretty badly, but she just took it as his “bad mood” or a “rough day.” Well, in January, he started saying things to her that really hurt her. He played on her insecurities, big-time. She’s never thought of herself as a very attractive person, even though she really is beautiful. John constantly tells her how beautiful her friends are and says things like “you should get your hair cut like hers” or “why don’t you ever dress like she does?” One night she was talking to him, and she said, “Sometimes I think you don’t want to marry me anymore,” and he replied with, “Well, sometimes I don’t.” At this point she broke up with him. Her roommate Sarah and I were so proud of her, and she seemed truly happy about it.
Well, after a couple weeks of very little contact (an occassional phone call, a passing on the street, et cetera), they started hanging out together again. They would talk on the phone for hours each night, she started sleeping over at his place again…Sarah and I tried to talk to her about it. He hasn’t changed much, and she has admitted that she only goes to him because she hates to be alone. She’ll say “things are good between us…sometimes…” but then an hour later she’s fighting with him or complaining about something he did.
Is there any way for us to convince her to drop this guy and find someone more worthy of her attention? Or should we just let her go and learn it for herself? I hate standing by and watching my friend get hurt like this, but it seems futile to try to keep her away from him. Any advice? Thank you in advance…
Keeping My Mouth Shut…For Now
Dear Keeping,
You have to let her learn it for herself. You can try to convince her that John isn’t good for her, but in order for it to stick, she has to come to it on her own.
As a friend, you can listen. You can make it clear that you’ll offer your support, whatever she wants to do about John. You can talk with her about why she’d rather have a guy who’s not that into her or respectful of her than go it on her own for a while. But you can’t make her give him up; it doesn’t work that way.
Tags: friendships health and beauty
