One of my cats has died. It was traumatic, and a really big shock, and in the end I had to agree to let him be put to sleep. He had a blockage in his urethra, and the vet couldn’t move it at all, and it tore his urethra.

The problem is that I’m really upset. I’ve had cats die before, and it has always been awful, but I can’t seem to get over this. George was the first cat that was mine; he wasn’t a family pet, and he slept in my bedroom. I think the fact that he was only two makes it even worse. I feel like he hardly had any life. He came to me at six weeks old, and I watched him grow from a bundle of fluff into a big sleek tomcat, and I’m having difficulty believing that he’s gone.

I keep veering from anger at the vet I saw in the morning not dealing with the problem then, to anger at myself for not insisting on them doing something more. When I’m not angry, I’m on the verge of tears. I nearly burst into tears in front of the class of 15-year-olds I was teaching today.

My other problem is the kitten I have. He’s only four months old, and I got him to provide company for George. He followed George everywhere, and copied everything he did. We let him sniff George before we buried him, but he still looks for him everywhere.

Really, I need two lots of advice. How do I get over the death of my little baby, and how do I help the kitten get over the loss? Most people I know think that because it was “just” a cat, I shouldn’t be upset, but to me he was one of the family. I need to get to the stage where I can think about him without getting upset.

Thanks for your help,
Cat Lover

About two years ago, my office got some new computer systems,
and I ended up taking my old, crappy one home. I bought it
off the company for all of a buck fifty, and cannibalized the
pieces. My boyfriend at the time wanted the monitor, and I
agreed to sell it to him for $50, because I didn’t need it
and could get a bit more than that for it elsewhere. A good
deal for both concerned, really.

Shortly thereafter, before he actually paid me, he lost his
job when the company he worked for had a series of crises
and fired everyone. All his savings, understandably, went
towards living expenses, and I put off the debt so he could
pay off creditors who were actually charging him interest —
credit cards and so forth. He’s gotten himself a solid new
job after ages of working piecemeal and freelance (ah, the
life of an artist…) and is back to being financially
stable, and I asked him about getting my money. Not that it’s
a huge deal, but really, $50 is $50, and he’s still got the
monitor…which he hasn’t been using.

Thing is, in between then and now, we got engaged. We’re
getting married in ten months and will move in together then.
At which point, he argues, I’ll be getting my monitor back
in essentially the same condition in which I sold it. I say,
he agreed to pay me $50 for the monitor before we got
engaged, I don’t want it, and if he asked me to marry him
just to avoid paying, he’s a sad, sad puppy.

So who’s in the right, here? The deal was made before we knew
that we’d be merging gear, and while I will be getting the
monitor back, in a way, I’d really rather have the money.
Should I march down to his place, repossess it, and sell it
to someone who’ll actually use the dratted thing? Do I pester
him for the rest of our lives about the money, or do I drop
it altogether, chalk it up as a waste of energy, and donate
the monitor to a school or something?

Glad We Don’t Have Anything Serious To Fight About

Long-time, first-time…my situation is fairly simple. Friday night, a black dog placed itself in the path of my car, leading to its death. So far, the owner is not known to me, but a follow-up call to the police may change that since they did briefly investigate the incident. My car did suffer some minor damage and will need some work done at a body shop.

When I mention to anybody the possibility of finding the owner and requesting that they compensate me for the deductible, they recoil at this course of action. They give me the old “how heartless can you be, they just lost a family member” line. In any case, my insurance company has already, as I assumed they would, asked me to provide the owner’s name, should I find it out, since in Pennsylvania, like most other states, I assume, we have “leash laws” and they plan to go after the owners for the claim, less my deductible.

My contention is that part of keeping a pet is taking responsibility for any damages it causes to someone or their property, whether the law demands it or not (and incidents like this being one reason I will never own a dog myself.) I’m not heartless here; I do feel very badly that a dog died because someone was unable to properly control it, or perhaps abandoned it. Perhaps naively, I actually have faith the owner would do the classy thing and offer to pay before I even ask.

So my question boils down to this: Ignoring that law is on my side, am I really right to request compensation, or am I a ghoul for expecting the owner of the dog I hit to reimburse my deductible, as my friends suggest?

Accidental Dog Killer

A year later, my boyfriend got offered a great job in Boston. He initially
asked me to join him, but as plans became more focused, this became less of
an option. We also started arguing about it constantly because I felt
insecure about the survival of the relationship, and uncertain as to whether
I should plan my life around him/move to Boston or realize that we had
something wonderful but I should move on. I do not have any of my own
friends, so I was very lonely, and I missed him terribly because we had spent
nearly all our time together. As a result, I got quite nasty, very negative
and complaining, and I started to put pressure on him to think about the
future/the possibility of us living together, et cetera. He doesn’t believe in
living together before marriage, and I didn’t want to be the only one taking
all the risks. I could not/did not pick myself up, shut up, and focus on
being supportive of him during his major life change (new job/new city). I
was also jealous. I feel bad about it now. Lesson learned. Sigh.

I would describe myself as having low-level chronic depression and I am
taking Wellbutrin (which I initially started taking as Zyban to quit
smoking), which has helped level me out. I am also seeing a therapist
weekly. I may also try another anti-depressant.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, he drove down to Connecticut and broke up with
me. We spent the weekend together crying and talking about it. He is a very sweet, kind, and generous man, and I love
him and can imagine spending the rest of my life with him.

And I think that’s where the problem is. He now says I am not the woman he
imagines himself marrying. He used to talk about the potential in the past,
before the bickering began. The times we have spent together since have been very pleasant, just like
old times but without the arguments. He still loves and cares about me, but
he cannot see us getting back together, although he is philosophical
(opportunistic?) enough never to say never. I do think that a young man
with a gregarious nature and a successful career in a new city is probably
experiencing the need for freedom and suddenly sees new opportunities. In
Connecticut I was a solution to his problem of loneliness. He wanted a
girlfriend. In Boston he has some good friends from his college days. He
is also extremely interested in the pursuit of money. I have no money, and
in contrast to his family, my family has no money.

Anyway, I have been offered a good job in Boston, similar to my current job,
a step sideways. I would love some change in my life. I don’t want to live
in Connecticut anymore. I want to live in a city. I have not been offered
a job in New York, and I imagine it would be harder/take longer for me to get
there. The Boston thing is a now thing. I think I could pull it off. I
just doubt my motivations. I asked him for his reaction to the situation,
and he said we wouldn’t get back together if I moved there and I should do
what I want.

I am stagnating where I am right now. I could move closer to the train
station in CT and spend as long as it takes looking for a job in NYC and
then commute until I could afford to move there. I could move to Boston and
start again there too. My dad is looking for work and may move out of
state. What I want most in the world is a social life in my new country.
Connecticut is not doing it for me.

Is there anything you can untangle from the above paragraphs that might help
me focus on a solution/make a decision?

Thanks for listening,
Bookworm

I’m a 29-year-old closeted male who’s never been with a guy (not even a kiss), even though I’ve always known of my attractions. I told my parents the truth about five years ago, and suffered through the depths of depression for several years before and after that time (not because my parents reacted badly, but because I couldn’t deal with having anyone know my secret). No one else knows the truth. I’ve been seeing a therapist about it for almost a year, but I’m on a break for a few months since my insurance ran out, and because this past year has been by far my happiest since college, which sort of negates the penchant for solving my coming-out problems in therapy.

The current problem in a nutshell is that I’ve fallen hard for a much younger man (he’s a junior in high school — just turned 17). We’ve spent a lot of time together over the past year, especially the last six months, as his brother is a friend of a friend’s family; he’s been at a lot of events (weddings, birthdays, holidays) that I’ve been at, and we’ve really hit it off. At first I thought he was interested in me in a sexual way, but any signals of that have been missing for a while. But he is still very much interested in me as a friend, and lately we’ve been emailing back and forth, and occasionally calling each other (mostly me calling him). It’s still obviously difficult for me to see him without a family function being involved, and I have no evidence that he might be gay or interested in me, but I can’t stop thinking about him and hoping that something might happen (after he turned 18 for anything serious).

Anyway, my therapist has suggested several reasons why my attraction for someone his age might be so strong — I’m as sexually immature as he presumably is; there’s no pressure for the type of commitment/sex that I might get from a gay man my own age; I’m trying to recapture some lost youth since I never did get to date in high school or college. Plus, I am almost exclusively attracted to young men, and not at all attracted to men my own age.

The question is — yes, I’m finally getting to it — what should I do now? I seem to be completely unable and unwilling to move forward in my attempts to come out or to find an adult male boyfriend. I’m even questioning whether or not I want to return to therapy next month, since coming out was the whole purpose of it, not to help me score with a teenager. But I really don’t want to stop trying to see him. I realize that the odds of anything beyond a friendship with this guy are quite miniscule. I also recognize the difficulties of even maintaining a friendship with him. But he, without realizing it, has been a huge part of why the happiness I once took for granted in life is back in my heart on a daily basis. Feeling love again, even if it is one-sided, has meant the world to me. Am I just deluding myself? And if so, how do I stop?

Thanks for any advice in advance,
Happily Confused