The Vine: April 12, 2001
Dear Sarah,I agree with the advice you gave to Panicked, and I’d like to take it one step further. Most people, once out of college, have to do their time in the corporate world. Anyone who’s been there knows that the hokey crap that was referenced doesn’t stop in college. As a matter of fact I’ve been in many a meeting with high-level corporate staff of multi-national companies and been nearly offended by the juvenile getting-to-know-you crap to which the group was subjected.
However, just as the spirit club in high school and college fairly flock to this crap, be it mud wrestling or “trust” exercises or “everyone sit in a circle and say something interesting about yourself,” in the adult world your bosses are going to be sitting next to you in that circle and expecting you to not only join in, but show some enthusiasm. In other words, Panicked might want to view this as an opportunity, either to learn how to grit his/her teeth and pretend like it isn’t painful, or to get all the eye-rolling out of their system.
Good luck Panicked,
jcc
Dear JCC,
Good point. In a past life as a CD-ROM producer, I spent enough time entertaining clients in strip joints to know that, sometimes, you just have to suck it up with this stuff.
Sars,I was looking through older Vines, and this one from Utterly Confused jumped out at me.
I think there’s a possibility she may be playing doormat. I’m going to extrapolate a lot from a small comment as a line of argument, maybe it will give her a clue in her confusion. Here’s the comment that struck me:
“There are a couple things about him that bother me that aren’t going to change, (he doesn’t take care of his car at all, and he’s a little lax about paying bills on time,) but I manage to work around these things and he doesn’t mind that I’m handling this stuff.”
Now, they’ve been only going out together for nine months, and she’s already managing his personal affairs? She’s probably doing way more than that to take care of him, and chances are he’s not putting the same effort in to care for her. Does she do more of the chores in the house? Is it she who’s putting on the four-course dinner when he just throws a can of spaghetti into the pot and calls it “Italian”? Is she the one putting her emotions on the line and he just pecks her on the cheek before they go to bed?
Perhaps she’s giving more than she’s getting, and doesn’t see it (or the reasons for it). Maybe she’s giving more than he wants to receive, or feels capable of returning, and is pulling away from her as a result. Maybe he’s cheating on her. (Often the cause of “Giving-More-Than-You’re-Getting” syndrome.) Actually, if the sex has fallen off suddenly, this is a strong possiblity.
Just thought I’d add my two cents and provide an alternate to the dreadfully well-trodden Hoffa scenario.
Spare Change
Dear Spare,
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I can only base my advice on what people tell me in the letter. I cannot guess every possible scenario, and neither can you. I cannot read minds, and neither can you. All Utterly Confused said in the original letter was that she felt the relationship was too good to be true, and also, in passing, that she handles a few elements of his finances.
Calm down. She’s handling his car payments, not scrubbing the bathroom caulking with a toothbrush. You could have the situation totally pegged — maybe she does do too much for him, and maybe they have fallen into gender-stereotyped roles and it’s bugging her out — but based on what she actually said, we’ll never know, and I get the distinct feeling that the four-course-dinner/not-putting-in-enough-effort business is coming from your life, not hers.
Tags: boys (and girls)
